Sapience

[SapientScribe]

Sapience

Wisdom hides beneath thy sight
Truth in lies, still truth they pass
She strangles thee in torment's fight

As one becomes thine knowledge plight
A fool declares, thou proof alas!
Still wisdom hides beneath thy sight

Darkness looms in wrong is right
All illusions great and vast
She strangles thee in torment's fight

Like a blind man's dreams of vision quite
Find no wings in empty mass
For wisdom hides beneath thy sight

Hope long lacking as if now trite,
Betrothed by rage unto thy past
She strangles thee in torment's fight

Till cold souls open in her guiding light
To dance in shadows of innocence cast
She forever hides beneath thy sight
And strangles thee in torment's fight

[Majestic Sun]

Sapience

Wisdom hides beneath thy sight (Why do you use thy? This is 21st century not the 14th, get rid of thy and use my)
Truth in lies, still truth they pass
She strangles thee in torment's fight (Again, don't use thee, use them instead, since thee means them)

As one becomes thine knowledge plight
A fool declares, thou proof alas!
Still wisdom hides beneath thy sight (Really, I wonder if you too the time to proofread this poem because you were too many archaic words, get rid of them)

Darkness looms in wrong is right
All illusions great and vast
She strangles thee in torment's fight (I like the repetition of torment's fight, very interesting)

Like a blind man's dreams of vision quite
Find no wings in empty mass
For wisdom hides beneath thy sight

Hope long lacking as if now trite,
Betrothed by rage unto thy past
She strangles thee in torment's fight (A period here?)

Till cold souls open in her guiding light
To dance in shadows of innocence cast
She forever hides beneath thy sight
And strangles thee in torment's fight (After reading this it reminds me of William Blake poem, how inviting, but still you have some nice imagery, cold souls is abstract but guiding light works though)

Anyway, this poem is rather intriguing but it still uses some archaic words that need to be replaced with modern words. Anyway thanks for sharing,

[SapientScribe]

Thank you for your response!
This poem is layered to induce more than a simple rhythm, but to answer your continuous question, the period in which middle english was used, wisdom began to seep into culture the world over and wasn't denoted to primarily Greek or arguably Roman. The Seat of Wisdom was created by the Francs, the House of Wisdom in what is now Baghdad, and then exploded world-wide from Japan to Germany in multiple venues. The highlights and cultural influence began to recess after this period so I found it appropriate to write a poem regarding sapience in the tone and manner used during the period of influence

[Majestic Sun]

Thank you for your response!
This poem is layered to induce more than a simple rhythm, but to answer your continuous question, the period in which middle english was used wisdom began to sleep into culture the world over and wasn't denoted to primarily Greek or arguably Roman. The Seat of Wisdom was created by the Francs, the House of Wisdom in what is now Baghdad, and then exploded world-wide from Japan to Germany in multiple venues. The highlights and cultural influence began to recess after this period so I found it appropriate to right a poem regarding sapience in the tone and manner used during the period of influence

Yes but, have you ever thought that a reader but find it jarring? Also, are you trying to publish this piece?

[SapientScribe]

Not trying to publish it, but I did submit it to my school for a contest. I honestly couldn't tell if it was any good or not, so I signed up for this site to see what others whom I do not know might think of it.

[TranquillityBase]

Hi SS,

I was put off by the archaicism at first, but on second reading, I got used to it.  I kind of like what you've done.  A couple of notes:

Wisdom hides beneath thy sight
Truth in lies, still truth they pass
She strangles thee in torment's fight

As one becomes thine knowledge plight
A fool declares, thou proof alas!                         really can't figure this line's meaning out
Still wisdom hides beneath thy sight

Darkness looms in wrong is right
All illusions great and vast
She strangles thee in torment's fight

Like a blind man's dreams of vision quite          very forced rhyme; "bright"?
Find no wings in empty mass
For wisdom hides beneath thy sight

Hope long lacking as if now trite,
Betrothed by rage unto thy past
She strangles thee in torment's fight

Till cold souls open in her guiding light
To dance in shadows of innocence cast
She forever hides beneath thy sight
And strangles thee in torment's fight

[SapientScribe]

Tranquility Base,

  Damn I like bright way better than quite, beautiful, thank you!

As one becomes thine knowledge plight
A fool declares, thou proof alas! 

This is at the beginning of the poem, it is the first mistake a human can make in the pursuit of wisdom, and it is to confuse wisdom with knowledge. We tend to gather a lot of information and "know" alot, but do not know how we use or incorporate that knowledge in a healthy way, which propels us to be our demise. This verse was actually a personal reference, I've had a few in my life, including my own father, who get caught up in these conspiracy theory rabbit holes, and ending taking their own life, that is why I used "thy knowledge plight"

[Majestic Sun]

Tranquility Base,

  Damn I like bright way better than quite, beautiful, thank you!

As one becomes thine knowledge plight
A fool declares, thou proof alas! 

This is at the beginning of the poem, it is the first mistake a human can make in the pursuit of wisdom, and it is to confuse wisdom with knowledge. We tend to gather a lot of information and "know" alot, but do not know how we use or incorporate that knowledge in a healthy way, which propels us to be our demise. This verse was actually a personal reference, I've had a few in my life, including my own father, who get caught up in these conspiracy theory rabbit holes, and ending taking their own life, that is why I used "thy knowledge plight"

What's interesting is that you had to explain what that meant when you could have just went for the simpler approach: writing in a modern way.

[SapientScribe]

So do you think it's shit? If I modernize it is the poem even worth it in your opinion?

[Majestic Sun]

So do you think it's shit? If I modernize it is the poem even worth it in your opinion?

Modernize it, yes it is worth it. I don't really like it right now.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey S.S.-
Below are a few comments

Sapience

Wisdom hides beneath thy sight A modern reader stumbles at the archaic language
Truth in lies, still truth they pass
She strangles thee in torment's fight  I notice the A-B-A rhyme scheme, but ya gotta be careful about forcing rhymes

As one becomes thine knowledge plight Profundities like this distance themselves from the reader: ya wanna connect
A fool declares, thou proof alas!
Still wisdom hides beneath thy sight

Darkness looms in wrong is right Repetition of profundities is not working for me
All illusions great and vast
She strangles thee in torment's fight

Like a blind man's dreams of vision quite  An example of forcing a rhyme w/ "quite"
Find no wings in empty mass This means something to you, but not me
For wisdom hides beneath thy sight

Hope long lacking as if now trite,
Betrothed by rage unto thy past
She strangles thee in torment's fight Your adherence to meter is OK throughout

Till cold souls open in her guiding light
To dance in shadows of innocence cast
She forever hides beneath thy sight
And strangles thee in torment's fight

Please read this aloud to yourself- it comes off as pontificating, and thus distances itself from a reader (like me).  Be careful about telling without showing:  I need concrete images to latch on to.  All that said, you obviously worked hard to maintain the rhymes and structure of the poem. But the poem needs more than a display of skill- it needs to form a connection with a reader: how am I supposed to relate to this?