Grief to Lust

[TranquillityBase]

From grief to lust, a flea’s hop,
and a plague is planted,
the dead are forgotten, merely bodies
yet a man in rut is only a body 
in search of its opposite.

The necrophiliac’s impulse isn’t nostalgia
but a circus leap over grief
though the lack of corresponding heat
should give him pause.

Grief is not hard-wired in like Lust’s daughters
but a daylight succubus, happy to give way
until lust fails.  Then back he comes, 

smiling like a skull without a jaw bone.

[busker]

From grief to lust, a flea’s hop,
and a plague is planted,
the dead are forgotten, merely bodies
yet a man in rut is only a body 
in search of its opposite.

The necrophiliac’s impulse isn’t nostalgia .... I find this second strophe weak 
but a circus leap over grief
though the lack of corresponding heat
should give him pause.

Grief is not hard-wired in like Lust’s daughters ..... again, (I assume) Lot’s / Lust’s daughters have nothing to do with grief 
but a daylight succubus, happy to give way .... confusing to follow here. Grief, not lust, is a succubus. One could easily think otherwise.

until lust fails.  Then back he comes, ..... the repetition of “lust” doesn’t do well 

smiling like a skull without a jaw bone. .... the allusion escapes me

Overall, I think a brilliant opening strophe is let down by the ones that follow
But still, well written and thought provoking. Thanks for posting

[TranquillityBase]

Thanks for your comments.  I've tried to stick with the original idea for the poem and continue it, and dropped the second/third stanzas completely.  this still has problems i know, but I think it's more consistent anyway.




From grief to lust, a flea’s hop,
and a plague is planted,
the dead are forgotten, merely bodies
yet a man in rut is only a body 
in search of its opposite.
The mourner yearns for infection
to fill the sucking void
and nerves are quick to surrender
to a promise of no return,
but gargoyle grief perches on that promise, 
his serpent smile knows 
no flea can make the circus leap
over his resurrection. 

[busker]

Thanks for your comments.  I've tried to stick with the original idea for the poem and continue it, and dropped the second/third stanzas completely.  this still has problems i know, but I think it's more consistent anyway.




From grief to lust, a flea’s hop,
and a plague is planted,
the dead are forgotten, merely bodies
yet a man in rut is only a body 
in search of its opposite.
The mourner yearns for infection
to fill the sucking void
and nerves are quick to surrender
to a promise of no return,
but gargoyle grief perches on that promise, 
his serpent smile knows 
no flea can make the circus leap
over his resurrection. 

I think the original reads better, but that happens all the time 
You probably need to revisit this after some time