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(Echo Verse)
In Praise of Triton
A schooner drifts across the rugged sea, see
the maelstrom spin by Neptune’s son, sun
ascends above the clouds like golden eye, I
watch waves crash upon the shore per countless hour, our
admiration grows for Triton’s power!
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I really like this, might try the form meself
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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Thanks! Yes, please do! I would love to read it!
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Hello.
a fun poem I enjoyed reading.
Just a couple of suggestions for the second line.
the maelstrom spin by Neptune’s son, sun - the maelstrom spun by Poseidon's son, sun
Philip
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Torkelburger,
Yes, indeed, change to "spun". Possibly a different title, this one seems a tad stale. Otherwise a delightful form, which you accomplished without it seeming forced. A very clever poem.
best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Thanks, everyone! I appreciate the help and comments!
"Maelstrom Marvel"
A schooner drifts across the rugged sea, see
the maelstrom spun by Poseidon’s son, sun
ascends above the clouds like golden eye, I
watch waves crash upon the shore per countless hour, our
admiration grows for Triton’s power!
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Joined: Oct 2017
.
Hi TB,
I like the idea, and the revision improves on the original, but it's all a bit bumpy
(especially the last two lines - shouldn't
per countless hour, our
be
for countless hours, ours / is an admiration ... ?)
Isn't the maelstrom (Charybdis, in Greek myth) one of Poseidon's daughters, not a son?
(and why isn't the schooner a trireme?  )
Best, Knot
.
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Torkelburger,
Some further thoughts:
I agree with Knot on the the 4th line. I suppose one could take out "crash", but then it's less dynamic, nor really solves the problem.
Maybe...
"I watch the waves crash on the shore a countless hour"
That makes a six foot line but line 3 is also six foot. It also resolves the hour/hours dilemma.
just a thought,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Joined: Jul 2020
Thanks, dale. Yes, I'll use that suggestion. I agree with you both but it would take me forever to rewrite the last two lines (and have to come up with a different rhyme). It took me an hour just to write those five lines initially! I was dreading it, so thanks for fixing. I just got to fix a couple other things before reposting.
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"Deluge Devotion"
A trireme drifts across the rugged sea, see
the deluge spun by Poseidon's son, sun
ascends above the clouds like golden eye, I
watch the waves crash on the shore a countless hour, our
admiration grows for Triton's power!
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Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
TKB,
nice and tight, I like it
good workshoping
best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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