And Die - Edit, title change

[dukealien]

And Die


So, invaders claiming
we don’t care enough
which moves your mob
to pillage and destroy– 

We do care, you know.
And though we won’t
post signs about it
this is a nice place
a beautiful, beloved
peaceful place.

Then please accept
this gift, four words:

see suburbia and die.

original version;
Tunc Morire


So there you are,
looting, burning, wrecking
places where people
you claim to care about
must live, raise children,
work and shop
and meet their friends
which you are not.

You’re mad because
those people whom you champion
who aren’t your race
only colored like your outfits
won’t come along
except a little pillaging
by the worst of them
after you kick it off
and bamboozle our police.

And now you want to bring
your bullhorns first
and then your arson,
rape and robbery
where we live because
we don’t care enough.

Well.

We do care, you know.
And though we won’t
post signs about it
this is a nice place
a beautiful, beloved
peaceful place
so just four words
for your thoughtful
contemplation:

see suburbia and die.

---

Speaking with the voice of the voiceless is fashionable at the moment, though this voice not so much.  Unfortunately political, in the present deranged state of politics.  Interested in critique; despite numerous rewrites it seems wordy and overlong.

My Latin is rusty now and was never good, but I believe the full phrase would go something like,

suburbio specta, tunc morire 

all caps, of course, since the Romans had not invented the minuscule, but in modern parlance that comes across as shouting.

[dukealien]

Is this poem about the Black Lives Matter movement? Or what happened in Portland Oregon?

Tempted to just answer "yes" - given that there have been a hundred days of happenings in Portland, and that BLM and antifa (whatever their origins) have become indistinguishable in their actions.  And the reaction they provoke.

Any thoughts on what to edit, so as to clarify that?

[Knot]

.
Hi duke,
wonder if you might achieve more with less,


We do care, you know.
And though we won’t
post signs about it
this is a nice place
a beautiful, beloved
peaceful place, so,
an offering, four
words for you:

see suburbia and die.


The lecturing/hectoring tone of the opening three verses seems self-defeating.
If it is a reply to BLM etc, shame you couldn't get those four words down to three.

I don't think the title helps, in terms of clarity, though were the final line the title
(in Latin or otherwise), and a final three word line played of both it and BLM then ...


Best, Knot


.

[dukealien]

edit;

And Die


So, invaders claiming
we don’t care enough
which moves your mob
to pillage and destroy– 

We do care, you know.
And though we won’t
post signs about it
this is a nice place
a beautiful, beloved
peaceful place.

Then please accept
this gift, four words:

see suburbia and die.

---

.
Hi duke,
wonder if you might achieve more with less,


We do care, you know.
And though we won’t
post signs about it
this is a nice place
a beautiful, beloved
peaceful place, so,
an offering, four
words for you:

see suburbia and die.


The lecturing/hectoring tone of the opening three verses seems self-defeating.
If it is a reply to BLM etc, shame you couldn't get those four words down to three.

I don't think the title helps, in terms of clarity, though were the final line the title
(in Latin or otherwise), and a final three word line played of both it and BLM then ...

Best, Knot
.

Good advice.  Not sure I'd call the tone "hectoring" (which would be more Hector whipping up the Trojans, right?) but lecturing, yes.

The idea of addressing the villains by name in the closing is tempting, but I'll stick to an abbreviated address above to set the stage, for now, anyway.  Those names are so constructed that they have to be untied at length to have their evil and dishonesty understood... which is, inevitably, a lecture.

Also, the Latin was pretentious.  My bad.

[Knot]

.

Like the revision duke.

Not sure about the switch from the impersonal 'invaders' to the directness of 'your mob' - either one or the other. Or possibly

We do care, you know.

And though we won’t

post signs about it

this is a nice place

a beautiful, peaceful

beloved place, so,

for you, invaders,

please accept this

gift of words:

see suburbia and die.

By 'three words' I didn't mean a direct address to BLM or whoever, but a three word phrase as opposed to the four it currently is.

Three words sets up an expectation that four doesn't, I think, and it would be interesting to confound that with the final line.

Wondered about "by their fruits" as a title?

Also wondered about making every line (except the last, if you're set on it) three words long?

Best, Knot

.

[dukealien]

@Knot - still mulling, you have some very good suggestions.

I'll be in transit for a couple of days, then hopefully have an edit.  One problem with naming the villains is, if BLM and antifa are in the poem will anyone recognize them in a few years?  I mean, yes, we remember SS and SA (well, some remember SA), but who remembers POUM, CNT, or the Silver Shirts?

Thanks, as always!