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This is not Magic
this is breakfast cereal
and tuna sandwiches
packed for lunch
this is a long day at work
this is too tired
to make dinner
and a credit card
that may or may not
squeak out one more pizza
this is your lover
still working on her phone
while you jerk off
in the shower
this is you slinking
into bed for polite kisses
and I-love-yous
this is her not sleeping
and you not sleeping
and neither admitting it
this is the alarm clock
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This is...
damn good.
I don't always like the vague sort of "this is" constructions, but you add so many concrete details and the crushing weight of the details on a relationship has a real Stephen Dobyns midlife crisis poem type of read.
One of your better ones. Very much enjoyed.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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@ Jagged, I'm not sure if you felt the lines were cliche or the images themselves were cliche. Also unsure of the punctuation issues, seeing as I haven't used any. I'm so glad you enjoyed the shower scene. I might reconsider the word "squeak"- there are other options that might serve my purpose better. Thanks for reading.
@Todd, I know what you mean with the construction of "this is". I mean, if you add a refrain you're moving toward song lyrics. Having said that, I never approach free verse with a template of any kind, but the results often give that appearance. Thanks for the kind words. I'm off to check out Stephen Dobyns now
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This is miss ell anus so I can say what I want.
First off, squeak works as an image and a bloody good one. Normally I don,t care for unpunctuated poetry unless it works well, this does. The line breaks are nigh on perfect for it. The poem reminds me of a certain song which I can,t Remember apart from the first line (you are on a beach) . All Jackson pollack like. Anyway, I don,t think you need to mess with it.
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Love this poem, paints a vivid picture and one that is relatable.
Thanks for the read, it makes me think about routine and stability around the nature of relationships.
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
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