Lovers Quarrel

[AlexTheAsian21]

A whisper in the wind,
A light in the the night,
Every time you smile my world gets so bright,
As endless as the ocean,
As potent as a potion,
Your love drives my every single motion,
Until time has ceased,
Or my soul is leased,
My love for you will never end.

I often wonder if you think about me,
I think of you as I lay in bed,
Every time I’m around you I overthink on what I said,
Did you understand that I was kidding, and what I said was just a joke,
Do you know that I think you’re amazing and not like normal folk,
You’re so confident and outgoing, bright and so bubbly,
Do you enjoy my company even though I’m a bit stubbly,
You give me hope, we do our dance, the game seems to be in play,
But you cause me to think too much when you’re cold to me the next day,
What did I do, what is the problem, how do I fix what we were,
I just want what we had that causes my heart to stir,
I wonder if you think about me ever or at all,
Truth be told I wrote this poem because I know I stall.

[Pinprick]

To begin with, you seem to have some issue with the font you’re trying to use, which makes this nearly impossible to read. Secondly, if I’m seeing things correctly, the punctuation needs corrected. I’m sure spellcheck can help you with that. Thirdly, this feels very adolescent; like the type of poem that an inexperienced teenager would write. There are a lot of cliches, and the rhyming seems uncreative and often forced.

[bbcashdollar]

A whisper in the wind, 
A light in the the night,
Every time you smile my world gets so bright,
As endless as the ocean,
As potent as a potion,
Your love drives my every single motion,
Until time has ceased,
Or my soul is leased,
My love for you will never end.

I often wonder if you think about me,
I think of you as I lay in bed,
Every time I’m around you I overthink on what I said,
Did you understand that I was kidding, and what I said was just a joke,
Do you know that I think you’re amazing and not like normal folk,
You’re so confident and outgoing, bright and so bubbly,
Do you enjoy my company even though I’m a bit stubbly,
You give me hope, we do our dance, the game seems to be in play,
But you cause me to think too much when you’re cold to me the next day,
What did I do, what is the problem, how do I fix what we were,
I just want what we had that causes my heart to stir,
I wonder if you think about me ever or at all,
Truth be told I wrote this poem because I know I stall.

I took the liberty of correcting the font display issues, hopefully it’s what you intended and I didn’t introduce new errors. Unrequited love is of course a very common theme because it’s so powerful and we’ve all been there.  With that said some of the rhymes are a little forced. Bubbly/Stubbly, for example. You refer to the game in play, more about that. There’s also a mention of a joke misunderstood. It introduces tension clarifying that could make it stronger. Also, can you include positive interaction between the two of you, so it feels more like a relationship. Hope that’s helpful. For some reason when I think of unrequited love I think of Billy Bragg. He was very poignant and gave a picture of the relationship and it’s limits. Here’s one: https://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530...859045600/

[WaterPig]

Hello,
I am curious if you have tried writing without rhyming.
I think the poem can be more succinct, Especially the second stanza where 'think'/'thinking about', 'wondering if she's thinking about you' is recurring. Maybe use variations of the word 'think', such as 'pine' or 'reminisce'
The title 'Lover's Quarrel' tells me there are darker, deeper sentiments and experiences that happened that you do not reveal in your poem. Adding another dimension could give your poem more depth.

Thank you for sharing.

[billy]

a couple of things.
if you use odd number of lines try and make so the last one doesn't rhyme or maybe use a triple rhyme at the end of each verse.

if you use rhyme, make sure if possible it's within a rhyme pattern.
you use a lot of cliche. sometimes cliche works but in general make your writing as original as possible. [use phrases or sentences that no one else has used. most of the lines are cliche, something we've already read eleshwere.

my love for you will never end has been used by millions of people already [to show just one cliche] write in a way no one has seen before.

i would live an internity to embrace you for a loving second this too verges on cliche but it has an image and it's just an example how to steer clear of cliche. don't worry, most of us start off writing poetry with cliche and forced rhymes. you'll improve with each piece. thanks for posting.

A whisper in the wind,
A light in the the night,
Every time you smile my world gets so bright,
As endless as the ocean,
As potent as a potion,
Your love drives my every single motion,
Until time has ceased,
Or my soul is leased,
My love for you will never end.

I often wonder if you think about me,
I think of you as I lay in bed,
Every time I’m around you I overthink on what I said,
Did you understand that I was kidding, and what I said was just a joke,
Do you know that I think you’re amazing and not like normal folk,
You’re so confident and outgoing, bright and so bubbly,
Do you enjoy my company even though I’m a bit stubbly,
You give me hope, we do our dance, the game seems to be in play,
But you cause me to think too much when you’re cold to me the next day,
What did I do, what is the problem, how do I fix what we were,
I just want what we had that causes my heart to stir,
I wonder if you think about me ever or at all,
Truth be told I wrote this poem because I know I stall.

[EmBee]

Hi, 
I understand your sentiment in this poem and so in that way it is successful. However, I believe there are quite a few cliched lines and idea here, and also some words that don't seem to fit the tone of the rest of poem. 

Just my thoughts. I'm new here and I hope you find this helpful. 

EmBee 



quote="AlexTheAsian21" pid='247654' dateline='1573049067']
A whisper in the wind,
A light in the the night,
Every time you smile my world gets so bright,
As endless as the ocean,  (sounds cliched... maybe use a different simile) 
As potent as a potion,
Your love drives my every single motion,
Until time has ceased,
Or my soul is leased, (I'm not sure I understand what you mean by a leased soul) 
My love for you will never end.  ( This is also a cliche) 

I often wonder if you think about me,
I think of you as I lay in bed,
Every time I’m around you I overthink on what I said,
Did you understand that I was kidding, and what I said was just a joke,
Do you know that I think you’re amazing and not like normal folk,  ( wonder if you could change the word 'folk'. For me, it doesn't seem to suit your other word choices) 
You’re so confident and outgoing, bright and so bubbly,
Do you enjoy my company even though I’m a bit stubbly,
You give me hope, we do our dance, the game seems to be in play,
But you cause me to think too much when you’re cold to me the next day,
What did I do, what is the problem, how do I fix what we were,
I just want what we had that causes my heart to stir,
I wonder if you think about me ever or at all,
Truth be told I wrote this poem because I know I stall.  (I don't really understand what you mean by 'I stall'... I guess I tend to think of a car that stalls.. ) 
[/quote]

[RecoveryWarrior]

A whisper in the wind,
A light in the the night,
Every time you smile my world gets so bright,
As endless as the ocean,*     
As potent as a potion,*
Your love drives my every single motion,
Until time has ceased,
Or my soul is leased,
My love for you will never end.

I often wonder if you think about me,
I think of you as I lay in bed,
Every time I’m around you I overthink on what I said,
Did you understand that I was kidding, and what I said was just a joke,**
Do you know that I think you’re amazing and not like normal folk,
You’re so confident and outgoing, bright and so bubbly,***
Do you enjoy my company even though I’m a bit stubbly,
You give me hope, we do our dance, the game seems to be in play,
But you cause me to think too much when you’re cold to me the next day,****
What did I do, what is the problem, how do I fix what we were,*****
I just want what we had that causes my heart to stir,
I wonder if you think about me ever or at all,
Truth be told I wrote this poem because I know I stall.

*As endless as the ocean,/As potent as a potion- lines like these can be a bit cliche, maybe trying something that invokes the same feeling without being quite so obvious (ie what other things are endless/potent)
**Did you understand that I was kidding, and what I said was just a joke,- this may be a more personal taste thing, but this line feel too repetitive, maybe try using only one half (did you understand that I was kidding? or "did you understand that what I said was just a joke?)
***You’re so confident and outgoing, bright and so bubbly- again maybe a personal preference, but try removing the word "and" (You're so confident, outgoing, bright, so bubbly) also try avoiding "so" or use more intense modifications
****But you cause me to think too much when you’re cold to me the next day- remove the "but" and "to me" (You cause me to think too much when you're cold the next day")
*****What did I do, what is the problem, how do I fix what we were,- this could be a really powerful spot to use repetition, trying separating this into three separate lines (what did I do?/ what is the problem?/How do I fix what we were?) it will add a pause that can really change the tone of that line.

I agree with what others said about making the rhyme, I personally tend to think that every line rhyming is a bit cliche and can be really poorly done. In this poem I think forcing it to rhyme is limiting what you're able to say ( felt that with the last line, like it was thrown in there simply for the rhyme). Maybe try using this same thought and theme but allowing it to have no rhyme pattern or anything, just a free-form poem. Overall, general theme isn't bad, but can be cliche so you may have to work harder to avoid that.