Finite Days

[AlexTheAsian21]

This is my first poem I’m posting on here. Not really sure what my goal is but let me know what you like and what you don’t like.
Revision 1
There are days filled with sorrow, and days without power,
there are days without sunshine, and days of constant shower,
there are days I ask for forgiveness, and days I hide in shame,
there are days when I’m alone, and days where I’m to blame,
for all the nasty curses, they all throw on my soul,
there are days where I feel empty, days I wish were whole,
there are days filled with happiness, and days with endless joy,
there are days where I feel complete, like when I was a boy,
and all the struggles in the world, never affected my tune,
I’d run, play, kick, scream, and never feel like a buffoon,
there are days upon days that make up our spirit,
there are days upon days that we desperately need to hear it,
there are days that are good, and days that are bad,
always remember to cherish the days that are to be had.

There are days filled with sorrow, and days filled with pain,
There are days without sunshine, and days of constant rain,
There are days I ask for forgiveness, and days I hide in shame,
There are days when I’m alone, and days where I’m to blame,
For all the nasty curses, they all throw on my name,
There are days I wish were different, I know you’ve felt the same,
There are days filled with happiness, and days filled with joy,
There are days where I feel complete, like when I was a boy,
And all the struggles in the world, never got me down,
I would run, play, kick, scream, without feeling like a clown,
There are days upon days that make up our life,
There are days upon days that add to all the strife,
There are days that are good, and days that are bad,
Always remember to cherish the days that are to be had.
ALEXTHEASIAN21

[UselessBlueprint]

There are days filled with sorrow, and days filled with pain,
There are days without sunshine, and days of constant rain,
There are days I ask for forgiveness, and days I hide in shame,
There are days when I’m alone, and days where I’m to blame,
For all the nasty curses, they all throw on my name,
There are days I wish were different, I know you’ve felt the same,
There are days filled with happiness, and days filled with joy,
There are days where I feel complete, like when I was a boy,
And all the struggles in the world, never got me down,
I would run, play, kick, scream, without feeling like a clown,
There are days upon days that make up our life,
There are days upon days that add to all the strife,
There are days that are good, and days that are bad,
Always remember to cherish the days that are to be had.

Hello, and welcome to the site. I'll just bring out a few little technical points, and leave most of the content commentary for some other members.

I do enjoy some good rhyme, but you need to be careful not to rely on simple rhymes. Get creative, use some more unusual words for the end rhyme, and you might find that the poem sounds more pleasant.

I'm not always such an opponent of first-line-capped, but in this case, I definitely think this poem should not capitalize each line.

The rhythm and comma placement make for an noticeable sense of contrast, but many lines don't really present strong opposites (if at all) from left to right. I'd really like to see more contrast like you can see in lines 2 and 6.

I'll hold off any more for now and let others offer in their input, and perhaps touch upon anything that goes unsaid a little later.

[AlexTheAsian21]

There are days filled with sorrow, and days filled with pain,
There are days without sunshine, and days of constant rain,
There are days I ask for forgiveness, and days I hide in shame,
There are days when I’m alone, and days where I’m to blame,
For all the nasty curses, they all throw on my name,
There are days I wish were different, I know you’ve felt the same,
There are days filled with happiness, and days filled with joy,
There are days where I feel complete, like when I was a boy,
And all the struggles in the world, never got me down,
I would run, play, kick, scream, without feeling like a clown,
There are days upon days that make up our life,
There are days upon days that add to all the strife,
There are days that are good, and days that are bad,
Always remember to cherish the days that are to be had.

Hello, and welcome to the site. I'll just bring out a few little technical points, and leave most of the content commentary for some other members.

I do enjoy some good rhyme, but you need to be careful not to rely on simple rhymes. Get creative, use some more unusual words for the end rhyme, and you might find that the poem sounds more pleasant.

I'm not always such an opponent of first-line-capped, but in this case, I definitely think this poem should not capitalize each line.

The rhythm and comma placement make for an noticeable sense of contrast, but many lines don't really present strong opposites (if at all) from left to right. I'd really like to see more contrast like you can see in lines 2 and 6.

I'll hold off any more for now and let others offer in their input, and perhaps touch upon anything that goes unsaid a little later.

Thanks tremendously for the feedback, please feel free not to hold back. As this is art I feel like every perspective opens my mind up to a view I’ve never thought to look at. I really appreciate the focused thoughts and detail you used when critiquing my work. This is my revision based on your review. Thoughts?
Poems Edits- Finite Days
There are days filled with sorrow, and days without power,
there are days without sunshine, and days of constant shower,
there are days I ask for forgiveness, and days I hide in shame,
there are days when I’m alone, and days where I’m to blame,
for all the nasty curses, they all throw on my soul,
there are days where I feel empty, days I wish were whole,
there are days filled with happiness, and days with endless joy,
there are days where I feel complete, like when I was a boy,
and all the struggles in the world, never affected my tune,
I’d run, play, kick, scream, and never feel like a buffoon,
there are days upon days that make up our spirit,
there are days upon days that we desperately need to hear it,
there are days that are good, and days that are bad,
always remember to cherish the days that are to be had.

[Richard]

Hey Alex,
My biggest two suggestions would be to rewrite this without the repetition and to use more images. Repeating words or phrases is okay, but it's a bit overdone here. I'll go into more detail below:

This is my first poem I’m posting on here. Not really sure what my goal is but let me know what you like and what you don’t like.


There are days filled with sorrow, and days filled with pain, -Why not use an image of a day filled with pain? This is too vague to capture the reader's attention.
There are days without sunshine, and days of constant rain,
There are days I ask for forgiveness, and days I hide in shame,
There are days when I’m alone, and days where I’m to blame,
For all the nasty curses, they all throw on my name, -Why are people cursing the speaker's name? Again, this is too vague. Think about using more images to draw the reader in.
There are days I wish were different, I know you’ve felt the same,
There are days filled with happiness, and days filled with joy,
There are days where I feel complete, like when I was a boy,
And all the struggles in the world, never got me down,
I would run, play, kick, scream, without feeling like a clown,
There are days upon days that make up our life,
There are days upon days that add to all the strife,
There are days that are good, and days that are bad,
Always remember to cherish the days that are to be had.
ALEXTHEASIAN21

As for the rhyming, I think it would be a worthwhile poetic exercise to rewrite this without rhyming. The rhyme here isn't the strongest, and I'm betting you could get to something more interesting if you didn't handcuff yourself with rhymes. 

I do think you have some genuine emotion here, which is always a good place to start with a poem. I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.

Cheers,
Richard

[AlexTheAsian21]

Hey Alex,
My biggest two suggestions would be to rewrite this without the repetition and to use more images. Repeating words or phrases is okay, but it's a bit overdone here. I'll go into more detail below:

This is my first poem I’m posting on here. Not really sure what my goal is but let me know what you like and what you don’t like.


There are days filled with sorrow, and days filled with pain, -Why not use an image of a day filled with pain? This is too vague to capture the reader's attention.
There are days without sunshine, and days of constant rain,
There are days I ask for forgiveness, and days I hide in shame,
There are days when I’m alone, and days where I’m to blame,
For all the nasty curses, they all throw on my name, -Why are people cursing the speaker's name? Again, this is too vague. Think about using more images to draw the reader in.
There are days I wish were different, I know you’ve felt the same,
There are days filled with happiness, and days filled with joy,
There are days where I feel complete, like when I was a boy,
And all the struggles in the world, never got me down,
I would run, play, kick, scream, without feeling like a clown,
There are days upon days that make up our life,
There are days upon days that add to all the strife,
There are days that are good, and days that are bad,
Always remember to cherish the days that are to be had.
ALEXTHEASIAN21

As for the rhyming, I think it would be a worthwhile poetic exercise to rewrite this without rhyming. The rhyme here isn't the strongest, and I'm betting you could get to something more interesting if you didn't handcuff yourself with rhymes. 

I do think you have some genuine emotion here, which is always a good place to start with a poem. I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.

Cheers,
Richard

Finite days
There are days filled with sorrow, and days filled with pain,
like when a loved one leaves, never to be seen again
These days are days without sunshine, and days with constant rain,
The clouds block out the world, and all that’s left is water,
There are days I ask for forgiveness, and days I hide in shame,
I know I need to change, but change never comes,
These are days when I’m alone, and days where I’m to blame,
I never wanted any of this, your fight is not mine,
For all the nasty curses, they all throw on my name,
they wish me dead, because we’re not the same,
There are days I wish were different, I know you’ve felt the same,
regret is a building block of life, we all know the game,
There are days filled with happiness, and days full of joy,
like when you find the one who keeps you sound and snug,
There are days where I feel complete, like when I was a boy,
And all the struggles in the world, never got me down,
they’d never ruin what I had, the plan was always sound,
I’d run, play, kick, scream, without feeling like a clown,
It didn’t matter what we did life was easier then,
There are days upon days that make up our life,
a numbered amount of days that keep us in line,
there are days upon days that add to the strife,
like days of death and fights with the wife,
There are days that are good, and days that are bad,
Always remember to cherish, the days that are to be had.

So I’m not really sure how to write a poem without rhyming. Is this more of what your looking for? I didn’t really edit anything just added imagery between the lines to try to help you visualize it better. In my opinion the poem is supposed to be a little but ambiguous on the why it’s that kind of day. Something that might ruin my day may not ruin yours so I was trying to leave room for the reader to imagine his/her own day. That being said let me know whether this is towards what you’re looking for. Thanks!

[Richard]

Hey Alex,
Your edited version might get more feedback if you paste it along with the original in the main post of this thread. Click on the pencil icon at the bottom right of your post.

Hope that helps,
Richard