Posts: 131
Threads: 33
Joined: Sep 2015
A still bay ripples,
boats tell a great deal
from where-beens to where-ares
water quells darkness
with blue.
Depths divide us,
most never see
those pretty little rocks at the bottom.
Only the sun's sparkle
on the surface.
A pleasant view to all,
yet there's something special
about a journey to great depths
just to come back
with a pretty little rock
for all to admire,
all but you.
Crit away
Posts: 113
Threads: 12
Joined: Jan 2016
(08-12-2019, 07:03 AM)Weeded Wrote: A still bay ripples,
boats tell a great deal
from where-beens to where-ares
water quells darkness
with blue.
Depths divide us,
most never see
those pretty little rocks at the bottom.
Only the sun's sparkle
on the surface.
A pleasant view to all,
yet there's something special
about a journey to great depths
just to come back
with a pretty little rock
for all to admire,
all but you.
I enjoyed this. S1 and S2 are well constructed, in my opinion. Fairs breaks, good rhythm, no complaints. S3 feels like mostly an afterthought -- more explanation than experience. I'd be careful of making a separate line for something that doesn't give me experience ("yet there's something special").
S1 and S2 might be improved with minor tweaks.
S3 should be reexamined.
Overall, I like what you're making here.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
Posts: 131
Threads: 33
Joined: Sep 2015
Blueprint,
thank you for your feedback. I will revise per your suggestions
mike
Crit away
Posts: 52
Threads: 12
Joined: Sep 2017
I haven't much to say about this, that's a good and a bad thing. It reads well, but I needed to re-read it to extract all it had to offer me, which I think with your level of word placement, you can do better.
make me realize its special while I'm reading, not after I've finished.
(08-12-2019, 07:03 AM)Weeded Wrote: A still bay ripples,
boats tell a great deal
from where-beens to where-ares
water quells darkness now this is a CHOP. At first these two lines seemed out of place, but I could not find where else they would fit, and so they actually stand beautifully alone
with blue.
Depths divide us, I wouldn't use 'divide' here, depth provides room for connection - maybe the depths allow things to appear more distant than they actually are
most never see
those pretty little rocks at the bottom.
Only the sun's sparkle
on the surface.
A pleasant view to all,
yet there's something special
about a journey to great depths
just to come back
with a pretty little rock
for all to admire,
all but you. normally I'd enjoy this closer, but you made the beautiful watery depths a personal feud or something with 'you'.
it leads me to believe everything is a metaphor which hurts me a lot because now I've been tricked into thinking this was about water 
not bad at all.
good job!
assholery not intended .
