Builder's Song

[celticdog]

Builder's Song

Fashioned from mud, blood, and anything in arm's reach,
the endless battles make for hasty plans.
Never to be seen it just has to hold.
Set forever, the imprint of desperate hands.

The wall unbroken, keeps harm away.
The wall unspoken, harms anyway.

The eye was placed where one wall should stand,
that it might remember the builder's peace.
But from the time the first brick was placed,
the course was set, the harmonies cease.

The wall unbroken, keeps harm away.
The wall unspoken, harms anyway. 

When the grasp is empty the job is done.
Cold and solid, the prideful soul now alone.
A quiet that's not quite peace, not quite sane,
no flesh, no light, no warmth, just bone.

The wall unbroken, keeps harm away.
The wall unspoken, harms anyway.

[billy]

i feel a bit of the freemasons in the poem though i suspect it's unintentional. for me it's more the bricklayer's song but builder works well enough. i'd like to see a little more indication as to the first stanza being about the builder. endless battles is a well used phrase, a suggestion would be to change the word endless. not sure the refrain helps the poem. by the way, hi and welcome to the site, thanks for giving feedback elsewhere.

Builder's Song

Builder's Song

Fashioned from mud, blood, and anything in arm's reach,
the endless battles make for hasty plans.
Never to be seen it just has to hold. the syntax feels off
Set forever, the imprint of desperate hands.

The wall unbroken, keeps harm away.
The wall unspoken, harms anyway.

The eye was placed where one wall should stand,
that it might remember the builder's peace.
But from the time the first brick was placed, no need for [but]
the course was set, the harmonies cease. this is a really good line, mainly for the word course, which is a term for a row of bricks in a wall

The wall unbroken, keeps harm away.
The wall unspoken, harms anyway.

When the grasp is empty the job is done.
Cold and solid, the prideful soul now alone.
A quiet that's not quite peace, not quite sane,
no flesh, no light, no warmth, just bone.

The wall unbroken, keeps harm away.
The wall unspoken, harms anyway.

[celticdog]

thanks for the critique! Actually, I intended that line to read " Never 'meant' to be seen, it just has to hold." not sure why I changed it. hmmm. Thanks again.