Adrift

[Richard]

Adrift

Bittersweet nothings still ripple
against your silent shore
daily, only to grow
to sullen thunderous waves.
A crooked heart in sand,
drawn with one toe,
gone in yesterday's tide-
old footprints, lonely or not,
washed away always.

Children's laughter litters
that same beach
where I first saw you,
so sullen thunderous waves
withdraw into the calm ocean.
Lost along with them,
my last goodbye
drowns inside an empty wine bottle.

[Knot]

.
Hi Richard,

like the idea (and the title, which works
very well).  You've some great images,
but it seems a bit cluttered/overwritten.
Paring it back to the essentials would
be my advice.

Just a thought.


Adrift


Children's laughter litters
that same beach

where I first saw you.
A crooked heart in sand,
drawn with one toe,

my last goodbye
drowns inside an empty wine bottle.


Best, Knot.


.

[Richard]

Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. I was very curious about some of my wording in spots and the use of repetition, so I appreciate what you have to say about paring it down. I actually struggled with coming up with a title, and just came up with it a couple days ago (weeks after originally writing this), so again, appreciate your thoughts about that as well.

Thanks again,
Richard

[billy]

hi richard. the opening reads a bit weak for me. i think it's the [still ripple] a suggestion and it really is only that as an idea to leave or pursue as you wish:

Bittersweet nothings
daily against your silent shore
grow to sullen thunderous waves.

i think you have the making of a good poem with a couple of small edits.

Adrift

Bittersweet nothings still ripple
against your silent shore
daily, only to grow
to sullen thunderous waves.
A crooked heart in sand,
drawn with one toe, i like this and the line above though maybe [a toe]
gone in yesterday's tide-
old footprints, lonely or not,
washed away always. a suggestion here would be always washed away or simply [washed away] personally i think you could use a good image here to wash away the feeling of a cliche.

Children's laughter litters good alliteration and a solid image
that same beach
where I first saw you,
so sullen thunderous waves
withdraw into the calm ocean.
Lost along with them, is lost along needed? or would [with them] do just as well.
my last goodbye
drowns inside an empty wine bottle.

[Richard]

Hey billy,
Thanks for the feedback. I actually wasn't too sure about this one, so I'm glad to hear that it isn't a complete train-wreck. Appreciate all you had to say about trimming the wording down in spots.

Thanks again,
Richard