In The Woods

[billy]

!st EDIT, thanks to those who left feedback.

In The Woods

The under-brush was strong
with briar biting at my ankles.
Beech saplings, silent
reached through thorns
and wept for space in God's canopy.

Sunlight, miserly though it was,
spattered the small clearing ahead
in a ray of moted-haze.
Wildflowers waltzed with abandon
swirling in the coattails of the tall grass.

Legs no longer bound, take me to a granite chair,
I sat and rested while my breath caught me up.
Butterfly's quizzed my brow then abandoned me
flitting through the overhangs of elm.
This was the prefect place to sleep.

In The Woods

The under-brush was strong
with briar biting at my ankles.
Beech saplings, silent
reached through thorns
and wept for space in the canopy.

Sunlight, miserly though it was,
spattered the small clearing ahead
in a rain of golden droplets.
Wildflowers waltzed with aplomb,
swirling in the coattails of tall grass.

No longer bound, legs led me to a granite chair;
I sat and rested while breath caught me up.
Butterflies quizzed my brow and then abandoned me
flitting through leafy overhangs of elm.
This was the prefect place to sleep...

[dukealien]

This is quite pleasant, but a few suggestions in Intensive:

In The Woods

The under-brush was strong
with briar biting at my ankles.  nice alliteration - strong point of this work throughout
Beech saplings, silent
reached through thorns
and wept for space in the canopy.  Initial "[t]he" on L1 wasn't bad, could a more descriptive word replace it here?

Sunlight, miserly though it was, "though it was" is somewhat cliche - you're not really complaining about its paucity, are you?
spattered the small clearing ahead another good place to reconsider "the"
in a rain of golden droplets. may be a personal thing, but I don't see rain as gold-colored unless it's against ripe wheat or fall leaves
Wildflowers waltzed with aplomb nice start to the line, but "aplomb" strikes me as a bit leaden.  Perhaps substitute "attendance," for "with aplomb?" In any case, this line needs a comma at the end.
swirling in the coattails of the tall grass. this line needs a little rearrangement, I think; maybe just removing the second "the" would do it

Legs no longer bound, led me to a granite chair, need comma after "Legs" or go active ("bound, I found a granite..."); also, suggest semicolon or em-dash at line end
I sat and rested while my breath caught me up. removing "me" might flow better
Butterfly's quizzed my brow then abandoned me "Butterflies" (plural); I tend to read "and" between "brow" and "then" also.
flitting through the overhangs of elm. perhaps replace "the" with an adjective here, too.
This was the prefect place to sleep.  good use of "the" here - singularly perfect; "a" wouldn't be sufficient.

Sorry, didn't mean to spill that much digital ink over it.  I'm probably too hawk-eyed against "the" in critique, though you use it well in your first and last lines.  If your thoughts tended that way, you could replace "sleep" with "rest in peace" on the final line   .

Sounds like you had a nice day:  thanks for sharing it!

[billy]

thanks for the feedback, certainly food for thought when doing an edit..

[busker]

In The Woods

The under-brush was strong
with briar biting at my ankles.
Beech saplings, silent
reached through thorns
and wept for space in the canopy.  ....I think it'll read better without the personification. Just 'for space' should do.

Sunlight, miserly though it was, 
spattered the small clearing ahead
in a rain of golden droplets. ... this part of the poem reads like prose (sunlight.....droplets). Particularly 'spattered the small clearing ahead'. It really is just one sentence.
Wildflowers waltzed with aplomb
swirling in the coattails of the tall grass. ...nice

Legs no longer bound, led me to a granite chair,
I sat and rested while my breath caught me up.
Butterfly's quizzed my brow then abandoned me ....check spelling
flitting through the overhangs of elm.
This was the prefect place to sleep. ... the ending is rather sudden, and ending it on an ellipsis would make it somewhat similar to the unfinished in medias res ending of Hyperion. So end it on an ellipsis...

[billy]

Thanks for the feedback busker, will edit the piece in a few days.

[Knot]

.
Hi billy,
the tone seems a little inconsistent (L8-10,
L13-14 compared to the rest), but S1 is
excellent.


S1
Maybe 'thorn' for 'thorns' ? Do you need
'in the canopy'? The meaning's there with
'saplings' and 'space'.
(Could you change 'strong' to 'rich', in contrast
to 'miserly' ?)

S2.
If you could stand it I'd say start with this
as 'Sunlight...' makes an excellent beginning.
- Having problems getting beyond the 'golden
shower' aspect though.

S3.
Comma after 'Legs' (though do legs lead?
Unless they are someone elses?)
Agree with busker, elipsis after 'place'


Best, Knot


.

[billy]

thanks knot, some food for thought in what you say. will consider some of it when i edit.

[billy]

!st EDIT, thanks to those who left feedback.

In The Woods

The under-brush was strong
with briar biting at my ankles.
Beech saplings, silent
reached through thorns
and wept for space in God's canopy.

Sunlight, miserly though it was,
spattered the small clearing ahead
in a ray of moted-haze.
Wildflowers waltzed with abandon,
swirling in the coattails of tall grass.

No longer bound, legs led me to a granite chair;
I sat and rested while breath caught me up.
Butterflies quizzed my brow and then abandoned me
flitting through leafy overhangs of elm.
This was the prefect place to sleep...

In The Woods


The under-brush was strong
with briar biting at my ankles.
Beech saplings, silent
reached through thorns
and wept for space in the canopy.

Sunlight, miserly though it was,
spattered the small clearing ahead
in a rain of golden droplets.
Wildflowers waltzed with aplomb
swirling in the coattails of the tall grass.

Legs no longer bound, take me to a granite chair,
I sat and rested while my breath caught me up.
Butterfly's quizzed my brow then abandoned me
flitting through the overhangs of elm.
This was the prefect place to sleep.

[Richard]

Hey billy,
This is a strong piece with quite a bit wonderful imagery. The edit is better, but there wasn't much wrong with it in the first place. I mainly have some nitpicks:

!st EDIT, thanks to those who left feedback.

In The Woods

The under-brush was strong
with briar biting at my ankles.
Beech saplings, silent
reached through thorns
and wept for space in God's canopy. -This is going to sound weird, but I feel like the two images in this stanza are so strong that they deserve to have their own stanzas. I would make the first two lines a couplet and then have a three line stanza. I know you have three stanzas right now of five lines, so that would mess up your structure, so maybe an option would be to break this into stanzas and add more to each part to get to five lines for each. Just a thought.

Sunlight, miserly though it was, -I love this image here. My only thought would be to expand on it. I want you to go into more detail, describing how the sunlight is miserly and playing with it metaphorically.
spattered the small clearing ahead
in a ray of moted-haze. -The expression "moted-haze" works well for me because I can just see what you mean in my mind.
Wildflowers waltzed with abandon -Why are the wildflowers so self-assured? Again, if you wanted, you could play with this image more.
swirling in the coattails of the tall grass.

Legs no longer bound, take me to a granite chair,
I sat and rested while my breath caught me up. -I love this line because it knocks a cliche on the side of its head.
Butterfly's quizzed my brow then abandoned me -The image of the butterfly's quizzing the brow could be played around with more, if you wanted. What was the brow's answer? How was it such a terrible answer that it made them abandon it?
flitting through the overhangs of elm.
This was the prefect place to sleep. -I like how the ending could mean actual sleep or imply death.

In The Woods

The under-brush was strong
with briar biting at my ankles.
Beech saplings, silent
reached through thorns
and wept for space in the canopy.

Sunlight, miserly though it was,
spattered the small clearing ahead
in a rain of golden droplets.
Wildflowers waltzed with aplomb,
swirling in the coattails of tall grass.

No longer bound, legs led me to a granite chair;
I sat and rested while breath caught me up.
Butterflies quizzed my brow and then abandoned me
flitting through leafy overhangs of elm.
This was the prefect place to sleep...

Overall, my main point is just throwing out the idea of expanding certain parts of the poem. This doesn't mean there is anything wrong with the poem as it is, but is more food for thought, if you want to play around with this piece. In my opinion, it's actually a good problem to have that I just want more of what you're doing here.

Thanks for the read,
Richard

[billy]

thanks for the feedback richard. i cocked up and changed aplomb to abandon in the pre verse instead of the edit; i done it properly now. will think about extending it a little

Hey billy,
This is a strong piece with quite a bit wonderful imagery. The edit is better, but there wasn't much wrong with it in the first place. I mainly have some nitpicks:

!st EDIT, thanks to those who left feedback.

In The Woods

The under-brush was strong
with briar biting at my ankles.
Beech saplings, silent
reached through thorns
and wept for space in God's canopy. -This is going to sound weird, but I feel like the two images in this stanza are so strong that they deserve to have their own stanzas. I would make the first two lines a couplet and then have a three line stanza. I know you have three stanzas right now of five lines, so that would mess up your structure, so maybe an option would be to break this into stanzas and add more to each part to get to five lines for each. Just a thought.

Sunlight, miserly though it was, -I love this image here. My only thought would be to expand on it. I want you to go into more detail, describing how the sunlight is miserly and playing with it metaphorically.
spattered the small clearing ahead
in a ray of moted-haze. -The expression "moted-haze" works well for me because I can just see what you mean in my mind.
Wildflowers waltzed with abandon -Why are the wildflowers so self-assured? Again, if you wanted, you could play with this image more.
swirling in the coattails of the tall grass.

Legs no longer bound, take me to a granite chair,
I sat and rested while my breath caught me up. -I love this line because it knocks a cliche on the side of its head.
Butterfly's quizzed my brow then abandoned me -The image of the butterfly's quizzing the brow could be played around with more, if you wanted. What was the brow's answer? How was it such a terrible answer that it made them abandon it?
flitting through the overhangs of elm.
This was the prefect place to sleep. -I like how the ending could mean actual sleep or imply death.

In The Woods

The under-brush was strong
with briar biting at my ankles.
Beech saplings, silent
reached through thorns
and wept for space in the canopy.

Sunlight, miserly though it was,
spattered the small clearing ahead
in a rain of golden droplets.
Wildflowers waltzed with aplomb,
swirling in the coattails of tall grass.

No longer bound, legs led me to a granite chair;
I sat and rested while breath caught me up.
Butterflies quizzed my brow and then abandoned me
flitting through leafy overhangs of elm.
This was the prefect place to sleep...

Overall, my main point is just throwing out the idea of expanding certain parts of the poem. This doesn't mean there is anything wrong with the poem as it is, but is more food for thought, if you want to play around with this piece. In my opinion, it's actually a good problem to have that I just want more of what you're doing here.

Thanks for the read,
Richard

[crow]

I think “prefect” is in error. If I’m wrong, then I’ll need to read more closely.

I’m always wrong when I read without critique.

This seems like a hymn of the wind.

It pulls butterflies out of spotty glades to the volcanic foot of a mountain (granite chair).

[billy]

yes, it should read as perfect, effin spellchecker at it's best

[billy]

Thanks for the feedback again richard, will consider what you say about extending it.

[Thunderembargo]

[quote="billy" pid='244862' dateline='1552551322']
!st EDIT, thanks to those who left feedback.

In The Woods

The under-brush was strong                An unusually accurate observation
with briar biting at my ankles.              Anthropomorphicity could possibly be expanded or contracted here
Beech saplings, silent                          Only a steady rustle can be heard here.   Your "silence" still makes the slightest sound.
reached through thorns
and wept for space in God's canopy.     This alludes to a hybrid philosophy: Darwinian Theism, perhaps

Sunlight, miserly though it was,
spattered the small clearing ahead         Try to exchange: 'spattered' for 'mottled' and build more alliteration into the poem, or just trade those out
in a ray of moted-haze.
Wildflowers waltzed with abandon
swirling in the coattails of the tall grass.

Legs no longer bound, take me to a granite chair,                Chairs generally pre-clude or symbolize judgement.   The last line of the poem, should weigh out the substance of this                                                                                             granite.   Also you should keep tenses consistent, "took me to a granite chair"
I sat and rested while my breath caught me up.                   
Butterfly's quizzed my brow then abandoned me                   The image suggests that nature is gleaning illuminescence from you in the afternoon exchange: the last line should fill out this                                                                                                expected revelation
flitting through the overhangs of elm.
This was the prefect place to sleep.                                     Here: "With Mycenean rest (coming from the granite) I reposed With full slumber                                  

[Pre Verse]
 
I really liked 'aplomb' from the original pre-verse poem.   Although waltzing can lead to abandonment, the word anticipates coattails perhaps in a more tidy way then 'abandon'.   One has aplomb when clothed in coat-tails, whereas it is difficult to feel abandoned when trussed out in such a fashion.

This poem knocks me down with its directness and feeling of strength and vitality.   It conveys various sensations of solidity and sinuosity: the cellular and corpuscular structure of natural things alongside the complementarity of nature's imminent and inherent usefulness.   I always like encountering poems that force me to remember and think on the very same kind of encounters that a poet or natural writer has when out for a walk.