Stranded

[Fae]

Perplexed
trying to connect
strands together
into something
considered to
be beautiful.

Attempting
to spin words
into a pretty
sweater
which I can wear
when it gets cold.

I put myself in mind
of a car missing wheels;
engine revving loudly
Shifting many gears

But always staying
stuck in one place
rusted to the spot
crying oil, in leiu
of my tears.

[Todd]

Hi Fae,

You have distinct images here of the sweater and the car, and while both can draw upon the title (sweater in its construction, car in its immobility). I'm not entirely sold on the combination. I don't find that each object plays off of the other enough to be satisfying. The opening with perplexed and beautiful reads a bit too abstract to draw me in. I would consider cutting the first two strophes and making the poem be your current S3 and S4. I think that is where your poem truly starts and I also find it more interesting from a content and execution perspective. I don't take any issue with your choices of phrasing. My critique is mostly focused on the blend of images not working well together (from my perspective) and the opening possibly moving to a different point in a new condensed poem.

Just a thought. 

Best,

Todd

Perplexed
trying to connect
strands together
into something
considered to
be beautiful.

Attempting
to spin words
into a pretty
sweater
which I can wear
when it gets cold.

I put myself in mind
of a car missing wheels;
engine revving loudly
Shifting many gears

But always staying
stuck in one place
rusted to the spot
crying oil, in leiu
of my tears.

[Fae]

Hi Fae,

You have distinct images here of the sweater and the car, and while both can draw upon the title (sweater in its construction, car in its immobility). I'm not entirely sold on the combination. I don't find that each object plays off of the other enough to be satisfying. The opening with perplexed and beautiful reads a bit too abstract to draw me in. I would consider cutting the first two strophes and making the poem be your current S3 and S4. I think that is where your poem truly starts and I also find it more interesting from a content and execution perspective. I don't take any issue with your choices of phrasing. My critique is mostly focused on the blend of images not working well together (from my perspective) and the opening possibly moving to a different point in a new condensed poem.

Just a thought. 

Best,

Todd

Hello, Todd.

Thank you for confirming what I suspected, I kind of felt as if I was writing two poems at the time and I kind of cobbled them together in a way that was kind of messy. What I'm likely going to do now is use S1 and S2 to create a seperate poem, and maybe make the first stanza a bit more concrete in relation to the second one. I definetly think the latter half of the poem has the strength to work on it's own, what I think was happening when I wrote the first half was me working towards coming up with a good metaphor, which I managed to in the second - I tend to work in a very stream of conciousness type of way, so sometimes I jump from one idea to another in very quick succession, which may explain why it's kind of turned out like two poems I've presented as one. Your comment has been extremely helpful and now I actually have more material to work with!

With gratitude,

Fae.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hello Fae, and welcome. I would agree with Todd's assessment but thought I'd point out some redundancies and filler words. Please forgive the slash and burn, just areas for you to consider trimming.

Perplexed

I'm trying to connect
strands together
into something
considered to
be beautiful.

Attempting
to spin words
into a pretty
sweater
which I can wear
when it gets cold.

I am put myself in mind
of a car missing wheels;
engine revving loudly
Shifting many gears -"many" is a word to avoid, much like "very" - consider "crashing gears" or "crunching" gears" or something similar 

But always staying
stuck in one place
rusted to the spot
crying oil, in leiu - I quite like "crying oil" 
of my tears.

Just an editor's perspective. The images are stronger without the padding.
Good luck with it,
Paul

[rowens]

Perplexed
trying to connect
strands together
into something
considered to
be beautiful.


Your first stanza, with its first word, announces your confusion, and the possibility of mixed metaphors, or aborted attempts. . . . You could start another poem, or you could get to the mixed point of this one. 



Attempting
to spin words
into a pretty
sweater
which I can wear
when it gets cold.


You're still carrying the thread, weaving towards a start.  



I put myself in mind
of a car missing wheels;
engine revving loudly
Shifting many gears

Here's where I assume you've consciously broken the thread and changed gears. The first line here can be read two ways. Or maybe three. And I assume that was your intention. 




But always staying
stuck in one place
rusted to the spot
crying oil, in leiu
of my tears.


The last three lines, really, could be changed and fix the whole thing. 

---

[billy]

hi fae. for me the poem starts with the 2nd stanza, the first has little if any imagery, the 2nd has lots. i'd suggest giving the 1st stanza some imagery or cut it.

Perplexed
trying to connect
strands together
into something
considered to
be beautiful.

Attempting
to spin words
into a pretty
sweater
which I can wear
when it gets cold.

I put myself in mind
of a car missing wheels;
engine revving loudly
Shifting many gears

But always staying [this line is redundant]
stuck in one place
rusted to the spot
crying oil, in leiu
of my tears. no need for my

[PenPCB]

I really like the 2nd stanza, looking forward to seeing it in its own poem. As others have said, the 2 metaphors would work better in separate poems.

"in leiu
of my tears"
this sounds off to me

[Ally]

Hi Fae,

I'm Ally; I just joined yesterday. I hope you don't mind receiving my first comment on a poem :-)

I often feel perplexed, so I was immediately pulled in to this poem. I find your first stanza very appealing; I'm drawn to keep reading because I want to know more about the narrator's struggle. I get this in S2, and I like the 'pretty sweater'. Together with the 'strands' of S1, this makes me think of knitting. I like the connection of strands and words, and I anticipate that the metaphor will continue into S3. So when the car turns up, it's a bit of a surprise. That isn't to suggest that the 'missing wheels' isn't effective; I was just really enjoying the sweater metaphor.

I'm interested in 'cold' too, by the way. I start thinking about what words might induce the cold and what colour threads would be particularly good to ward it off. Reds, oranges, yellows, maybe?

Anyway, I don't know how helpful this'll be for you, but I wish you well with any revisions you choose to make :-)

Best wishes,
Ally

[busker]

Hello fae - I’ve read this poem a few times - it’s good! You have a clever little metaphor in S2. I am not troubled by the unconnected  metaphors of the sweater and the car: I think it works fine. I also like the loose rhyming of “gear / tears”.
I think you can lose all of S1 after “perplexed” - and jump straight to S2.

[poemblind]

hi poemblind; just a heads up to ask you give more than a simple one liner in the three main poetry forums./mod

feel the sure sense of hopelessness from this poetry.  what ever you do you can not escape. great write.

Perplexed
trying to connect
strands together
into something
considered to
be beautiful.

Attempting
to spin words
into a pretty
sweater
which I can wear
when it gets cold.

I put myself in mind
of a car missing wheels;
engine revving loudly
Shifting many gears

But always staying
stuck in one place
rusted to the spot
crying oil, in leiu
of my tears.

[Xlateralus]

Perplexed
trying to connect
strands together
into something
considered to
be beautiful.OK as a title, i guess.

Attempting
to spin words
into a pretty
sweater
which I can wear
when it gets cold. I would keep this stanza, and save the rest for a different poem. i find the imagery of words spun into protection evocative, but it deserves a more flushed out poem.

I put myself in mind
of a car missing wheels;  i had a hard time with these two lines, you put your self in mind of a car? A car has no mind, and bringing up the car seems out of the blue...
engine revving loudly
Shifting many gears im also not picturing a car with no wheels shifting or revving it’s engine. It’s hard to connect this imagery to reality because it seems detached from it.

But always staying
stuck in one place
rusted to the spot
crying oil, in leiu
of my tears. if you are going to keep the car analogy, my suggestion would be to cut my. Also, if the busted down car is a metaphore for you, maybe you can just skip the entire “in lieu of my tears” since it’s a little redundant.

[ginaparaoan]

Hi Fae,

The first two stanzas got me. They were telling me the struggle of putting things together into one beautiful and useful piece. But I got lost in the third and last stanzas. ‘Felt like there were two different things at the same time. It ruined the coherence.