Today’s thoughts

[Ryan_w_r]

No real meter.. probably only makes sense in my head. 
.................................

Political unrest, and riots in our streets.

Circular wars, and scorched earth in the Middle East.

Mothers lying their babies to rest, while fathers are resting in another woman's sheets.

All the while, another child looses their life on the streets.

The media calls them "casualties of war".. To me more like casualties of greed

Just another paid advertisement embedded in your feed

As a people how do we heal, what do we need?

How do we come together and plant that seed?

It’s not going to happen behind a keyboard 

Cut the social media umbilical cord. 

We don’t need another “like” 

Your insta dopamine spike. 

But go on get your fix, just a few more clicks. 

Then get needle out of your arm, rather phone out of your hand.

Go outside and join your fellow man.

Pull the blinders off of your eyes

Fox, CNN, you, me... it’s all lies
 
Don’t accept the chaff when when we all deserve the wheat

Their words so sweet, I can feel the cavities in my teeth  

We are a pasteurized and preservative filled, prepackaged generation.

Graciously provided by media sponsors and major corporations..

The world is so much better than we all make believe

Now if you don’t think so... here’s my recipe to MAKE it so

Be someone good

Do something good

Love the ones beside you 

Love the ones behind you 

Lift up the old

Help strengthen the weak 

So a little pity, for the meek  

Just turn off the power,
 We’ve all become a little sour

And let’s get some good vibes back into our lives. 

Peace.

[alonso ramoran]

Hi Ryan,

A lot of punctuation inconsistencies, such as the absence of periods when needed and the use of ellipses; three or four dots is the ideal number. Missing a "the" in "then get needle out...", L14 I believe. Not sure why the third to last line is not spaced from the one above it like the rest of the lines are. As far as the content, it's nothing the audience would have never heard before. Those last two lines NEED work; they are way too generic and t-shirt-slogany.

Best, Alex

[ellajam]

Hi, Ryan, I don't think the double spacing or couplets are doing the poem any favors. As the subject is a rant which we all need to hear often in the hopes of knocking the obvious into our heads, I think it deserves more interesting poetry to make that lasting impression.

In this line I can't make sense of the rather:
"Then get needle out of your arm, rather phone out of your hand."

Good luck with it.

[XLateralus]

No real meter.. probably only makes sense in my head. 
.................................

Political unrest, and riots in our streets.
not a particularly strong opening, this could literally be the opening line to any sudo-political pop song written in the last, well... 10000 years?

Circular wars, and scorched earth in the Middle East.

Mothers lying their babies to rest, while fathers are resting in another woman's sheets.

All the while, another child looses their life on the streets.

lists of strife are rarely effective as poetry, trust me, i’ve tried to make them work...

The media calls them "casualties of war".. To me more like casualties of greed which media? Are you writing a pre-vietnam period piece?

Just another paid advertisement embedded in your feed this line would be more affective if it were illustrated, like, for example in ratm’s “No Shelter” “coca-Cola is back in the veins of Saigon And Rambo too, he got a dope pair of Nikes on”

As a people how do we heal, what do we need?

How do we come together and plant that seed? more questions isn’t the answer.

It’s not going to happen behind a keyboard 

Cut the social media umbilical cord.  i would cut everything in the poem, except this line, and build a poem around this metaphore, as this is the most unique aspect of the poem....

We don’t need another “like” 

Your insta dopamine spike. 

But go on get your fix, just a few more clicks. 

Then get needle out of your arm, rather phone out of your hand.

Go outside and join your fellow man.

Pull the blinders off of your eyes

Fox, CNN, you, me... it’s all lies
 
Don’t accept the chaff when when we all deserve the wheat why don’t we deserve the chaff? i ain’t done nothing particularly special to be “deserving of the wheat” and i’m sure i’ve done just enough to be deserving of the chaff.....

Their words so sweet, I can feel the cavities in my teeth  

We are a pasteurized and preservative filled, prepackaged generation.

Graciously provided by media sponsors and major corporations..

The world is so much better than we all make believe the poem argues the opposite

Now if you don’t think so... here’s my recipe to MAKE it so

Be someone good how.

Do something good what is that.

Love the ones beside you what if they are Guilty. Ignorance is learned.

Love the ones behind you 

Lift up the old

Help strengthen the weak 

So a little pity, for the meek  

Just turn off the power,
 We’ve all become a little sour

And let’s get some good vibes back into our lives. 


Peace.

[P3t3rW1ll14m]

Hey Ryan,

When I read your poem, I felt like it was saying a lot of things without much meaning. I know a lot of times a poet wants to rhyme but you start to lose meaning when you have to format a line to fit the rhyme. If you are fine without meter, you could always think about just switching up the rhyme pattern. so instead of AABBCCDD it could be more like ABABCDCD.

Hope that helps!