Obsession

[JkArcher]

Obsession. (This is my second poem and i'm a tad lost any critique is helpful) 

I think you were right love is just obsession
I want to own you, be my possession
My sweat drowns me during the night
But i will not give up without a fight
Love truly is a fickle beast
Why do i want to die last, but not least
I was the strongest man at my fathers funeral
The things i lost to love are numeral
I will place the wolrd on my shoulders once more
I will sustain loves burden and ruin all i abhor
I shall conquer this vicious world
As my true strength has unfurled
This malicious pain will be my salvation
I will conquer this temptation
And then it will be time for true redemption
I will shatter any and all, this will be my ascension
I shall stand atop the heavens
Sit and laugh as my demons beckon
I will become the man i promised to be
Not even a god will be able to stand aside me
Atleast without immeasurable shame
Because i will be the true winner of this game
Then maybe you'll choose to be my possession
Then this love is no longer obsession.

[Knot]

.
Hi Jk,

first reaction is that it lacks a narrative
so ends up feeling rather repetitive.
Some of the rhymes miss rather than hit
(which is, sadly, often the way) so don't
be afraid to select the better couplets and
discard the weaker.

A couple of ideas:
Maybe start with
'I was the strongest man at my father's funeral'
(though the 'numeral' rhyme is nonsense) so
perhaps turn it to
'At dad's funeral, I was the strongest man'
and end with the first line (tweaked slightly)
'I think you were right, love, just an obsession.'

Also, look to the order of each couplet,
for example:
My sweat drowns me during the night
But i will not give up without a fight
might be rewritten as
Yet I will not give up without a fight
though sweat drowns me most every night.


Best, Knot.

.

[Richard]

Hey JkArcher,
My biggest two suggestions would be to rethink the rhymes because some of the lines feel like they're just there for the sake of rhyme, and then I would replace some of the concepts you're using here with more specific images. I'll go into more detail about this point below:

Obsession. (This is my second poem and i'm a tad lost any critique is helpful) 

I think you were right love is just obsession
I want to own you, be my possession -What possession? This would be a lot stronger if you used an image.
My sweat drowns me during the night
But i will not give up without a fight
Love truly is a fickle beast -A "beast" is vague. Use a more specific image.
Why do i want to die last, but not least
I was the strongest man at my fathers funeral -I agree with Knot that this would make a stronger first line. This line is the one part of the poem where I was very interested and wanted to know more.
The things i lost to love are numeral
I will place the wolrd on my shoulders once more
I will sustain loves burden and ruin all i abhor
I shall conquer this vicious world
As my true strength has unfurled
This malicious pain will be my salvation
I will conquer this temptation -Instead of just saying "temptation" give an image to draw the reader in.
And then it will be time for true redemption
I will shatter any and all, this will be my ascension
I shall stand atop the heavens
Sit and laugh as my demons beckon
I will become the man i promised to be
Not even a god will be able to stand aside me
Atleast without immeasurable shame
Because i will be the true winner of this game
Then maybe you'll choose to be my possession
Then this love is no longer obsession.

As this is basic critique, I don't want to go overboard on the detail. I would suggest rewriting the next draft without the rhyming and try to be more specific with your imagery. If you're committed to making this a rhyming piece, rework the rhyming back in on the third draft.

Hope this helps,
Richard

[billy]

hi JK;

a couple of thoughts on the poem. the first line weakens the poem, for me the thing starts with the 2nd line.

wordiness; you have it in abundance, you need to cut out anything that doesn't add anything.

cliche; try to be original, if you've read what you say somewhere else or even know of it, the odds are it's cliche. cliche can be used under certain conditions but in general they're a no-no and weaken a poem.

Obsession. (This is my second poem and i'm a tad lost any critique is helpful) 

I think you were right love is just obsession
I want to own you, be my possession
My sweat drowns me during the night no need for me, it's a given
But i will not give up without a fight cliche, you have a lot more.
Love truly is a fickle beast filler verging on cliche
Why do i want to die last, but not least but not least; filler
I was the strongest man at my fathers funeral
The things i lost to love are numeral
I will place the wolrd on my shoulders once more
I will sustain loves burden and ruin all i abhor
I shall conquer this vicious world
As my true strength has unfurled mixed tense and also filler, [As my true strength unfurls]
This malicious pain will be my salvation
I will conquer this temptation
And then it will be time for true redemption
I will shatter any and all, this will be my ascension
I shall stand atop the heavens
Sit and laugh as my demons beckon
I will become the man i promised to be cliche
Not even a god will be able to stand aside me
Atleast without immeasurable shame at least
Because i will be the true winner of this game cliche
Then maybe you'll choose to be my possession
Then this love is no longer obsession. no need for is

[UselessBlueprint]

You need to double check your spelling and grammar. Be consistent with punctuation if you use it. Trim out a lot of material that distracts from you primary theme and try to develop your points with a bit more strength. Particularly, the father's funeral lends nothing to the rest of the poem, I'd ax it. The poem is a hard read, mainly because it has not structure beyond the cliche rhymes.

The obsession seems to be one the speaker has with himself, but your first and last bookend couplets seem to lead the reader in a different direction.

[Deanna]

An exploration into the "I" who would like to be the master of himself. And perhaps also of object of his (yes - the I is clearly male, female obsessions look slightly different) desire/obsession/love. Would be interesting to hear more about the object of obsession. As a helplessly obsessed person myself I recommend songs of solomon and Nabokov's Lolita as inspirational texts. A very spoken text.