Origami teaches more
than skillful fingers, memory,
and seeing possibilities
implicit in unformed material;
one also learns–
having folded labor, time,
and vision intricately
through mute matter, owning it–
to loose it freely
into river, wind or fire
without regret.
edit2;
Origami teaches more than skillful fingers, memory, and seeing possibilities implicit in material unformed;
one also learns– having folded labor, time and vision intricately through mute matter, owning it–
to loose it freely into river, wind or fire without regret.
edit1;
Origami teaches more than dextrous fingers, memory, and seeing possibilities implicit in material unformed–
one also learns, having folded labor, time and vision intricately into matter, owning it–
to loose it freely into river, wind or fire without regret.
original version;
One thing origami teaches, more than skill of fingers, memory, and seeing in a thing itself turned inside-out, implicit possibilities of material unformed
is, having folded one’s own labor, time, and vision intricately into matter, making it one’s own–
to loose it freely onto river, wind or fire, dispossessed without regret.
This started simpler, and I have the sense that it's become over-elaborated. Advice on how/where to cut or simplify particularly welcome.
enjoyed this, though 'is' by itself is a slight stumble, for me
(and if 'is' why not 'to' in the next stanza?)
Em dash/hyphen after 'matter' ?
Not convinced that L1 and L2 should be on separate lines.
If you could stand the weak joke, then One ....thing ...
is ....having ...
to ....loose ...
I think L3 needs work. Maybe 'more than digital dexterity'
If you're going to cut anywhere, I think L5 and L7 are
candidates, and L13 seems a bit too calculated, somehow.
I found it hard to go from the end of S2 to the beginning of S3.
Starting with 'to', without a second 'is' (which would bugger
things up) just isn't working properly.
So (not letting a lack of familiarity with Rand be an impediment)
would it still make the sense you intend as:
One ....thing origami teaches, ....more than [flexibility], memory, ....and seeing in a thing possibility ....itself turned inside-out,
is, ....having folded one’s labor, time ....and vision[,] into matter[ –]
(Lack of knowledge stumps me here, but
if you could rephrase along the lines of) ....and having, accepted/embraced it –
to ....[then] loose it freely ....onto river, wind or fire, ....dispossessed without regret. ....(a blank page ?) Needs to return to 'origami' at the end, I think.
hi duke. i could never read atlas shrugged, i made it to about page twenty. this on the other hand i like. at first glance it oozes objectivision {re ayn rand} but after a couple of reads it changes to subjectivity. [of course that could just be my take on it] and becomes contra as stated in the title to her philosophy. not sure i'd cut anything bar the opening line. it takes a read or two to work through the line breaks but is well worth it. in it's own way it has a structure to to it as strong as that of Rand's own philosophy. just opposite in thought.
(02-15-2019, 11:57 PM)dukealien Wrote: Contra Ayn Rand
One thing no needs for this line, without it the opening become stronger origami teaches, more than skill of fingers, memory, and seeing in a thing itself turned inside-out, implicit possibilities of material unformed these two lines are perfectly matched to the title.
is, having folded one’s own labor, time, and vision intricately into matter, making it one’s own–
to loose it freely onto river, wind or fire, personally i'd have used into dispossessed without regret.
This started simpler, and I have the sense that it's become over-elaborated. Advice on how/where to cut or simplify particularly welcome.
Origami teaches more than dextrous fingers, memory, and seeing possibilities implicit in material unformed–
one also learns, having folded labor, time and vision intricately into matter, owning it–
to loose it freely into river, wind or fire without regret.
Thanks to both critics! I've incorporated most of the advice in this revision, except for @Knot's idea of returning to a blank sheet of paper. That's an intriguing thought, but with origami paper there's a real note of entropy: order is imposed, but it's one-way. Usually you can unfold a figure (with great care to keep from tearing it), but the paper's no good for anything else afterward. (And it would have compromised the didactic theme... not ready for that.)
@billy - contra, but not (I hope) all the way to altruism, Rand's favorite swear-word. Maybe a little zen-like rather than altruistic. And the structure did change, still a single run-on sentence but not quite as convoluted. Unsymmetrical, but the world is unsymmetrical... and in that there is a certain symmetry [ow! shouldn't have mentioned zen]
like the edit so far, i do so like the [having folded labour, time] line. very Einstein-Rosen bridge-ish
(02-15-2019, 11:57 PM)dukealien Wrote: Contra Ayn Rand
Origami teaches more than dextrous fingers, memory, should it be dexterous? and seeing possibilities implicit in material unformed–
one also learns, having folded labor, time and vision intricately into matter, owning it– here's the rub, now we have two into's in short succession, my suggestion would be [to matter, owning it] it still works as in [bringing something to life] yet goes that little be deeper by also giving it intrinsic value. it also removes an [into]
to loose it freely into river, wind or fire works much better. without regret.
One thing origami teaches, more than skill of fingers, memory, and seeing in a thing itself turned inside-out, implicit possibilities of material unformed
is, having folded one’s own labor, time, and vision intricately into matter, making it one’s own–
to loose it freely onto river, wind or fire, dispossessed without regret.
This started simpler, and I have the sense that it's become over-elaborated. Advice on how/where to cut or simplify particularly welcome.
. Hi duke, like the edit, a definite improvement, cutting 'dispossessed' and the restructured first lines work well. My only real gripe is with the placement of the dash, I think it should come after 'learns' (if you read the piece, ignoring the section between the dashes, it doesn't work at present).
Not sure how necessary 'implicit' is, it is implied by 'unformed', isn't it?
As to the two intos, how about: one also learns - having intricately folded labor, time and vision, creating matter, [and] owning it – ?
Best, Knot.
(02-18-2019, 08:11 AM)dukealien Wrote: idea of returning to a blank sheet of paper. That's an intriguing thought, but with origami paper
there's a real note of entropy: order is imposed, but it's one-way.
True, but once it's loosed freely, all you have left is the next 'sheet of paper'. (I wonder if one could argue that the missing line, reveals the empty page, and so the next sheet of paper is implied?)
Origami teaches more than skillful fingers, memory, and seeing possibilities implicit in material unformed;
one also learns– having folded labor, time and vision intricately through mute matter, owning it–
to loose it freely into river, wind or fire without regret.
Once again, I've applied much of the advice from the valued critics, perhaps not exactly as given. Thank you!
@billy - "dextrous" is given in one dictionary as "var. dexterous," but, really, it had to go instead of an unsightly "dext'rous." Similarly, this is about the best preposition I could scare up that was neither 'in" nor "into."
Punctuation tweaked per @Knot, and a bit further.
My main dilemma now is whether to replace "loose" with "toss." The t's would click nicely in that stanza, but it seems a little light for purpose.
(02-15-2019, 11:57 PM)dukealien Wrote: Contra Ayn Rand
Origami teaches more than skillful fingers, memory, and seeing possibilities implicit in material unformed;
one also learns– having folded labor, time and vision intricately through mute matter, owning it–
to loose it freely into river, wind or fire without regret.
You've done really well cutting it down so far, and it's far more clear to me now than when I first read it. With Knot's most recent critique in mind, I think 'skillful' works well in S1. No complaint there. As for 'implicit', I don't necessarily think it needs to change, but if you find a word to better describe it (I'd go along the lines of hidden) then by all means, go for it. I wouldn't place commas around intricately, but instead I'd put it back after time. Without it, I just end up ignoring the line break. In fact, I'd probably reorder those lines as well (i.e. time, labor, and vision... instead of labor, time and vision...). Beyond those picks, you've done really well as far as I can see.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
for a short poem with only small edits you have i think improved it 5-fold. here's a piece of feedback not directed directly at the poem. when every line has cod in it, it makes it harder to decipher and critique. it's probably there because you used word. unless it's what you wanted. i'd suggest using it for the title but leave the poem without extra formatting. as always the choice is yours.
(02-15-2019, 11:57 PM)dukealien Wrote: Contra Ayn Rand
Origami teaches more than skillful fingers, memory, and seeing possibilities implicit in material unformed;
one also learns– having folded labor, time and vision intricately through mute matter, owning it–
to loose it freely into river, wind or fire without regret.
edit1;
Origami teaches more than dextrous fingers, memory, and seeing possibilities implicit in material unformed–
one also learns, having folded labor, time and vision intricately into matter, owning it–
to loose it freely into river, wind or fire without regret.
original version;
One thing origami teaches, more than skill of fingers, memory, and seeing in a thing itself turned inside-out, implicit possibilities of material unformed
is, having folded one’s own labor, time, and vision intricately into matter, making it one’s own–
to loose it freely onto river, wind or fire, dispossessed without regret.
This started simpler, and I have the sense that it's become over-elaborated. Advice on how/where to cut or simplify particularly welcome.
Origami teaches more
than skillful fingers, memory,
and seeing possibilities
implicit in unformed material;
one also learns–
having folded labor, time,
and vision intricately
through mute matter, owning it–
to loose it freely
into river, wind or fire
without regret.
Thanks to both new and persisting critics! I believe we're now down to the short strokes - the eternal guerilla war between the Oxford and AP commas, and BBS codes. My lone wording change was to eliminate the inversion in L4 since there was no good reason for it.
@UselessBlueprint - while retaining the word order in S2, I did insert the Oxford comma after "time" - not so much to conform to that particular dogma as because the pause is needed there just as you say, to enforce the line break. However, I did not insert a comma after "wind" because I'd really prefer the reader to ignore, or at least rush through, that line break. (And some sources restrict the Oxford comma to cases where the coordinating conjunction is "and," which in this case it is not. I tend not to end lines with commas in free verse unless, as in S2, an arresting wire is needed. In forms I tend to stick with formal punctuation.)
@billy - I don't know why the cod swam into the text there - the system put them there, presumably spawned in response to the leading spaces and changing fonts to Courier New. I use WordPerfect™ rather than Word™ and have noticed in the past that Word™ does introduce such odd fish in the course of resisting font size instructions. WordPerfect™ does not even transfer font names when cut from it and pasted into the Pen - its text is flat as a flounder. So here I am in my little world, keeping WordPerfect™'s advantages privately... guess I'm just shellfish about that.
I like the use of Ayn Rand as a false icon and over-rated, one-time controversy turned into industrial print capital, her story of escape from eastern europe, apparently, giving her no insight into many of the pitfalls and problems of western style . She brought no peace here, only favored an alternate form of machine terror, inhumanity and corporate fear aggrandizement.
Yet the poem takes this for granted, and places her on the back shelves of literary history, as a has been, a useless and empty prophet of a brave new world that never came to be. It accomplishes this extraordinary rating and judgment by revealing the essential superficiality of Rand's incomplete and convenient political fiction.
That's how I understand the poem. Let me know if that's incorrect. I will laugh whole-heartedly.
(02-15-2019, 11:57 PM)dukealien Wrote: Contra Ayn Rand
Origami teaches more
than skillful fingers, memory, I don't like the comma after 'memory' and don't see that it is grammatically correct
and seeing possibilities Elaborate perhaps on possibilities,
implicit in unformed material;
one also learns–
having folded labor, time, The accomplishment of these lines translates the method that you are describing as the discovery of the verse:
and vision intricately
through mute matter, owning it–
to loose it freely An incredible conclusion; which you developed through carefully and precisely placed folds of gentle verse.
into river, wind or fire
without regret.
edit2;
Origami teaches more than skillful fingers, memory, and seeing possibilities implicit in material unformed;
one also learns– having folded labor, time and vision intricately through mute matter, owning it–
to loose it freely into river, wind or fire without regret.
edit1;
Origami teaches more than dextrous fingers, memory, and seeing possibilities implicit in material unformed–
one also learns, having folded labor, time and vision intricately into matter, owning it–
to loose it freely into river, wind or fire without regret.
original version;
One thing origami teaches, more than skill of fingers, memory, and seeing in a thing itself turned inside-out, implicit possibilities of material unformed
is, having folded one’s own labor, time, and vision intricately into matter, making it one’s own–
to loose it freely onto river, wind or fire, dispossessed without regret.
This started simpler, and I have the sense that it's become over-elaborated. Advice on how/where to cut or simplify particularly welcome.
@Thunderembargo - thanks for the compliments and suggestions (I will take the latter under advisement for now). You may have a better understanding of the poem than I do .
Though I used Ayn Rand as a foil, my disrespect for her work is not as great as yours seems to be. She did try to construct a philosophy which was internally consistent and addressed the problems of (crony) capitalism in both its declared territories and those (under fascism, communism, totalitarianism generally) where it was ruthlessly and even more corruptly practiced while it was outwardly disparaged - Red China today is the salient current example of that contradiction. Rand's philosophy is reasonably consistent with the gig economy, but not the sharing economy which is outwardly consistent with altruism. I stopped short of the thought that launching paper boats and balloons may intend others' delight.
Non-practicing atheist
.