Converging to a singularity

[busker]

Converging to a singularity


Edit 1

The red bus climbs 
uphill, and is gone –
drawing the stillness 
to close,  like a curtain,
like ripples reflected 
at the edge of a lake,
from stones dropped in water:
the wave that was coming
to the centre returning,
the sound of the engine
made silent again.

Original

The red bus climbs 
uphill, and is gone –
drawing the stillness 
to close,  like a curtain,
like ripples returning 
on a pool’s surface
from a stone dropped in water:
the wave that was coming
to the centre returning,
the sound of the engine
made silent again.

[RiverNotch]

Converging to a singularity -- 'singularity' chokes. it's too technical, too gross.

The red bus climbs 
uphill, and is gone--- first two lines alone make a poem.
drawing the stillness 
to close, like a curtain, to 'a' close perhaps?
like ripples returning returning from a stone dropped in water to what, exactly? i sort of get the idea of it being a movement from nothingness to activity to nothingness, but the immediately succeeding line is redundant, and the line succeeding that obscures the point.
on a pool’s surface
from a stone dropped in water:
the wave that was coming
to the centre returning, but if the pool is boundless, the waves never return, only dissipate, and to the observer of such waves the pool *is* boundless. unless the center is the entirety of the pool itself, nothingness having no center, but that i think dilutes the prospective novelty of the image.
the sound of the engine
made silent again. somewhat redundant: again, the first two lines alone make *a* poem, if not *the* poem.

And yet, in spite of what my intuition tells me is this piece's sheer unoriginality, I've returned to this piece about seven times now. I can't quite say this is lovely work, the lines I take issue with struggle far too much, but the frank imagism of the whole, especially those first two lines, impress.

[busker]

Thanks, RN.
I had in mind the reflection of waves from the boundary back to the centre, but that is a phenomenon seen more often in a bucket than in a pool, I suppose

[billy]

hi busker i enjoyed this one. not sure both similes work well together. a suggestion would be to have the 4th line as [to a close] and remove [like a curtain]

Converging to a singularity

The red bus climbs 
uphill, and is gone –
drawing the stillness 
to close,  like a curtain,
like ripples returning
on a pool’s surface
from a stone dropped in water:
the wave that was coming
to the centre returning,
the sound of the engine
made silent again.

[busker]

thanks, billy. An update posted

[billy]

i'm reading

drawing the stillness
to close, like a curtain,
like ripples reflected
at the edge of a lake,
from stones dropped in water:

as one sentence and it's because of the comma after curtain. it should be a period as thats the end of the simile. a period will make the two similes distinct and separate.

Converging to a singularity


Edit 1

The red bus climbs 
uphill, and is gone –
drawing the stillness 
to close,  like a curtain,
like ripples reflected 
at the edge of a lake,
from stones dropped in water:
the wave that was coming
to the centre returning,
the sound of the engine
made silent again.

Original

The red bus climbs 
uphill, and is gone –
drawing the stillness 
to close,  like a curtain,
like ripples returning 
on a pool’s surface
from a stone dropped in water:
the wave that was coming
to the centre returning,
the sound of the engine
made silent again.