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11-17-2018, 03:45 PM
(This post was last modified: 12-05-2018, 11:26 AM by billy.)
thanks for the feedback and suggestions guys.
1st Edit
The New God.
Will paradise abound in flames tonight
as fire floods towards those pristine-gates?
Are ne'er-do-wells all getting better rates
while men of God have given up the fight?
Has Peter sunk into the wings of spite,
are he and "god the good" no longer mates?
and this Usurper of all gods; who waits
till souls of man become his neophytes.
Make way for Don the self proclaimed; the man,
who sells you gold but only gives you lead.
While wanting walls, old orange-peel lays waste,
to moralistic thoughts; you'd think him Klan.
Within him, kindness and contrition dead
along with truth, a "Billionaire" debased.
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Hi billy, thoughts below
(11-17-2018, 03:45 PM)billy Wrote: The New God.
Will paradise abound in flames tonight The idea of this line makes for a good opening, but I wonder if "abound in flames" can be replaced with something more grabbing. Maybe there isn't but I think it's worth considering.
as fire floods towards the pearly-gates? Floods makes me think of water which contradicts the subject while making me think passively about the fire. Maybe a more aggressive verb can replace it and, if it happens to be a foot longer than floods, we could probably change "towards" to "for" or leave it as it is, since it's kind of ambiguous and depends on the meter of the words around it.
Are ne'er-do-wells all getting better rates
while men of God have given up the fight? Plainly written "given up the fight" kinda tells more than shows, doesn't it?
Has Peter sunk into the wings of spite, This is more like it. I think this line should end in a question mark.
are he and "God the good" no longer mates? 'God the good'? I've never heard of this title before. If this was made up, I think we could come up with something better than just "good"
and this usurper of all Gods; who waits I think maybe this should be rephrased as "And this usurper of all Gods, he waits" and maybe capitalize the "h" in "he" to solidify the status of this usurper. Just an idea.
till souls of men become his neophytes. All in all, I think these final lines are good for leading into the volta.
Make way for Don the self proclaimed; the man, No comma needed and I think a colon would work better than a semi-colon.
who sells you gold but only gives you lead. Again, just an idea, change it however you like: who sells you for your dum-da, gilded lead.
While wanting walls, old golden-balls lays waste, No comma needed.
to moralistic thoughts; you'd think him Klan. For moralistic thoughts to be laid to waste I think is a good thing, and I don't think that's the light you want to portray this new god under. Moralistic thoughts seem like something someone has who believes their moral compass is superior to others when the issue of morals is kind of a grey area. That aside, the idea of one wall going up while another more internal one being torn down is a great one that I think you should stick with if you revise.
Within him, kindness and contrition fled
along with truth, a billionaire debased. This ending leaves a little much to be desired for me. It seems to continue listing the bad traits of Don but it doesn't wrap up the sonnet adequately. I feel as if I were a little harsh in this critique but there were things that I found strong. The rhyme scheme and meter for instance was pretty watertight and the overall subject of the poem was enough to keep my interest. One thing I dislike about critiquing form poetry is that I know if I suggest for something to be worded differently then there's that whole possibility that it will muck up the meter or rhyme and the poet has to deal with that stuff which, I know, is tough. So I hope I was somewhat easy on the structure of your sonnet.
Like to hear your thoughts.
Alex
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thanks for the feedback alex and for taking the time to respond.
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Hey billy,
I've been meaning at getting to this one for a few days, but work has been very busy lately.
I'm not one for formal forms, but I appreciate the effort it takes to construct a piece like this. The rhyming is nicely executed. I'm not going to comment too much on form here, so I'll try to stick to content and wording.
(11-17-2018, 03:45 PM)billy Wrote: The New God.
Will paradise abound in flames tonight
as fire floods towards the pearly-gates? -I like the wording of "fire floods". It's nice juxtaposition, and fits your meter well. However, the expression "pearly-gates" borders on cliche to me.
Are ne'er-do-wells all getting better rates
while men of God have given up the fight? -I notice "God" is repeated a lot in this poem. I know it's an important word, but I wonder have you thought about playing around with the capitalization of it? Maybe write it in lowercase once to give it some extra emphasis? Hope that makes sense.
Has Peter sunk into the wings of spite, -I like this image of Peter. The "wings of spite" creates a nice mental image, and also plays on words well.
are he and "God the good" no longer mates?
and this usurper of all Gods; who waits -Speaking on capitalization again, why not capitalize "usurper", since he is supposed to be trying to become the new God?
till souls of men become his neophytes. -Why just men? I'm hardly an expert at religion, but I know there is a history of sexism, especially in Christianity. Maybe think about changing "men" to a more gender neutral word, unless this is part of your intention, considering who the next stanza is about.
Make way for Don the self proclaimed; the man, -The use of the name, "Don" made me think of a mafia boss, but then again, I think it might be a reference to a world leader.
who sells you gold but only gives you lead. -I like the imagery here, especially the symbolic ties to alchemy. The gold changing to lead sums up your poem well.
While wanting walls, old golden-balls lays waste, -I get the walls reference, but I'm a bit lost on the "golden-balls", but I could be missing something. I think repeating gold here takes away from the strength of the previous line, so I would suggest rewording it some way.
to moralistic thoughts; you'd think him Klan.
Within him, kindness and contrition fled -Why not "dead" instead of "fled"? I'm torn on "fled" here because, on the one hand, it doesn't feel consistent with the "walls" image earlier, but then again, these qualities could be escaping from behind the walls.
along with truth, a billionaire debased. -It might be overkill, but would you consider capitalizing "billionaire" here, based on what I said above? Just a thought. Overall, I quite enjoyed having the chance to dive into this one, and I look forward to seeing where you take it from here.
Thanks for the read,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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thanks for the great feedback Richard, have taken a lot to heart and will do an edit later in the week.
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thanks for the feedback and suggestions guys.
1st Edit
The New God.
Will paradise abound in flames tonight
as fire floods towards those pristine-gates?
Are ne'er-do-wells all getting better rates
while men of God have given up the fight?
Has Peter sunk into the wings of spite,
are he and "god the good" no longer mates?
and this Usurper of all gods; who waits
till souls of man become his neophytes.
Make way for Don the self proclaimed; the man,
who sells you gold but only gives you lead.
While wanting walls, old orange-peel lays waste,
to moralistic thoughts; you'd think him Klan.
Within him, kindness and contrition dead
along with truth, a "Billionaire" debased.
Posts: 703
Threads: 141
Joined: Oct 2017
Hi Billy,
nice idea but seems to lack a bit of focus (and bite),
especially the ending..
The New God.
- don't know that this does enough.
Will paradise abound in flames tonight
- maybe 'founder' or 'fall' (or 'drown') for 'abound' ?
as fire floods towards those pristine-gates?
- don't think 'pristine' works sufficiently
maybe 'towards twelve pearl gates' ?
Are ne'er-do-wells all getting better rates
- Like 'ne'er-do-wells' but are they really
the opposite of 'men of God'? Surely 'demons',
'devils' or even 'heretics'?
while men of God have given up the fight?
- should 'men' be 'Men' (also, 'souls of Man')?
Has Peter sunk into the wings of spite,
- any way to contract Peter to 'Pete'?
are he and "god the good" no longer mates?
- line feels a bit too long
(are the Lord and him no longer mates?)
and this Usurper of all gods; who waits
- not following this 'grammatically'; did you
mean to ask another question here?
till souls of man become his neophytes.
Make way for Don the self proclaimed; the man,
- bit of a mouthful, and I don't think it works/flows
that well.
who sells you gold but only gives you lead.
- just a suggestion:
Make way for Don, the Self Made Man
who sells you gold, but you buy lead.
While wanting walls, old orange-peel lays waste,
- again, mouthful, and overdone, I think. 'Don'
establishes the character, I don't think you need
to be quite this blunt.
to moralistic thoughts; you'd think him Klan.
Within him, kindness and contrition dead
along with truth, a "Billionaire" debased.
- I'm not sure how this returns one to the
'flames' of the opening. If you're going with
Klan (and why wouldn't you) then surely
you can burn a cross on god's lawn by way
of a close?
Hope this helps.
Best, Knot.
.
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hi knot, thanks for the feedback, regarding some of your line change suggestions; the piece is supposed to be a sonnet so i'd have to keep the meter with any line or word changes. will look into what you say though.
(12-05-2018, 09:06 PM)Knot Wrote: Hi Billy,
nice idea but seems to lack a bit of focus (and bite),
especially the ending..
The New God.
- don't know that this does enough.
Will paradise abound in flames tonight
- maybe 'founder' or 'fall' (or 'drown') for 'abound' ?
as fire floods towards those pristine-gates?
- don't think 'pristine' works sufficiently
maybe 'towards twelve pearl gates' ?
Are ne'er-do-wells all getting better rates
- Like 'ne'er-do-wells' but are they really
the opposite of 'men of God'? Surely 'demons',
'devils' or even 'heretics'?
while men of God have given up the fight?
- should 'men' be 'Men' (also, 'souls of Man')?
Has Peter sunk into the wings of spite,
- any way to contract Peter to 'Pete'?
are he and "god the good" no longer mates?
- line feels a bit too long
(are the Lord and him no longer mates?)
and this Usurper of all gods; who waits
- not following this 'grammatically'; did you
mean to ask another question here?
till souls of man become his neophytes.
Make way for Don the self proclaimed; the man,
- bit of a mouthful, and I don't think it works/flows
that well.
who sells you gold but only gives you lead.
- just a suggestion:
Make way for Don, the Self Made Man
who sells you gold, but you buy lead.
While wanting walls, old orange-peel lays waste,
- again, mouthful, and overdone, I think. 'Don'
establishes the character, I don't think you need
to be quite this blunt.
to moralistic thoughts; you'd think him Klan.
Within him, kindness and contrition dead
along with truth, a "Billionaire" debased.
- I'm not sure how this returns one to the
'flames' of the opening. If you're going with
Klan (and why wouldn't you) then surely
you can burn a cross on god's lawn by way
of a close?
Hope this helps.
Best, Knot.
.
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