Hi Ally, welcome to the site! Let me give you a few comments to consider.
Interesting poem (and I don't mean that in the way you would describe a blind date as unique). You have a quirky narrative going.
(10-29-2018, 03:17 AM)Ally Wrote: Throughout high dosage,--This is a slightly flat opening line. I'd like it to pull me in more. Suggestion: If you restructured to bring in the important but less interesting dosage level on the second or third line, you could open with "His subject was sexual conquests" without a line break that unit is an interesting opening. It brings the reader in immediately.
his subject was--as you have it I'm not a fan of line breaks on weak helping verbs.
sexual conquests –
miles-long displays of paper dolls,--great image
explicitly coloured,
arms joined.--what open playing this up more (you could bend and position them in provocative positions). It feels like your missing a slight opportunity. Paper dolls might be explicitly colored but it seems more natural to adjust their postures.
But as medium ground approached,
the lines began to dwindle--something more here. Perhaps some observation at the medium dosage between sex and duck.
and today,
at just 5 milligrams,
he presents a grebe –
a single little grebe,--don't know if you need single
making its way--is there a better word than "making" it feels like paddling smoothly below does the job of this line. Perhaps some other slight observation here.
across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds.--love the drug-induced magical realism of the last two lines.
You have some good things going on here. I hope some of the comments helped.
at first glance i was expecting a sex poem i actually thought "has he used viagra" barring the first stanza you have some great images in there. it captures a moment of nature and makes me the reader feel warmer.
(10-29-2018, 03:17 AM)Ally Wrote: Throughout high dosage,
his subject was
sexual conquests –
miles-long displays of paper dolls,
explicitly coloured,
arms joined. lovely image
But as medium ground approached, no need for but
the lines began to dwindle could this couplet be another image. ?
and today,
at just 5 milligrams,
he presents a grebe –
a single little grebe,
making its way a little weak, a suggstion would be bobbing or another word
across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds. this is also a great image of a reflection.
Many thanks for taking the time to read and comment on my poem :-)
I find your suggestions really interesting (in a good way!), and I hope to find some time this week to do some editing and respond to your replies in full.
Best wishes,
Ally
Please note, I'm away at the moment because my partner is unwell and he requires a little extra TLC.
Thanks again for the comments. I've just posted a revision, taking on board the critiques. Here's a summary of changes:
S1
I've rearranged this, to make a stronger beginning, and perhaps the enjambement's better too? (I think I need to read up about this technique, as I'm not too sure of my line breaks most of the time!)
S2
I've added a little detail to the dolls. They're the type made by cutting shapes out of folded paper to form a joined line, and I hope the splayed limbs are sufficiently provocative! I'm happy to re-revise this and any other line/s.
S3
I've tried to find something between sex and duck. It's pretty! (Perhaps.)
S4
I've added 'Greg', just to recall the title.
S5
The little grebe is now sailing and it's no longer described as 'single'.
Thank you :-)
Please note, I'm away at the moment because my partner is unwell and he requires a little extra TLC.
10-31-2018, 12:44 PM (This post was last modified: 10-31-2018, 12:49 PM by billy.)
Hi Ally here's my take.
i put the original in with the edit for comparison, hope you don't mind
(10-29-2018, 03:17 AM)Ally Wrote: 1st EDIT:
Sexual conquests
was his subject
throughout high dosage – for me this line makes me think viagra. i can't help myself
miles-long displays of paper dolls, [i don't think miles-long adds much/enough to be included, a suggestion would be myriad or some other word] the rest is a great image
arms and legs splayed invitingly, for me it would work better without "legs splayed"
bodies well detailed. feels a bit formal
As medium ground approached,
the lines began to dwindle
and to dress no need for and
in bird-print robes, nice image
and today
at just 5 milligrams,
Greg presents a grebe – for some reason i like greg
a little grebe,
sailing across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds.this last stanza is good as is love the image of the reflected clouds.
original:
Throughout high dosage,
his subject was
sexual conquests –
miles-long displays of paper dolls,
explicitly coloured,
arms joined. lovely image
But as medium ground approached,
the lines began to dwindle
and today,
at just 5 milligrams,
he presents a grebe –
a single little grebe,
making its way
across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds
Hi Ally,
enjoyed the read, though I think I prefer the earlier version.
Not a fan of the title, doesn't give me much to think about
as a reader, and makes little contribution to the piece.
V1: The lack of context makes this a bit uninvolving for me.
Don't know Greg, so have no way of knowing whether his
'subject' is revelatory, or predictable, but the behaviour is
interesting. [All] Throughout high dosage, his subject was sexual conquests –
V2: I agree with billy about 'miles long', why not 'endless'?
Given these, as you said, are 'doll chains' I think 'splayed'
works well.
I liked 'explicitly coloured', but 'well detailed' seems very
flat (why not 'anatomically correct', or similar?). endless doll chains, limbs splayed, explicitly coloured, anatomically correct.
V3: I think this is the weakest verse. Though if it turns
out that 'medium ground' is the correct technical term I'll
have to rethink. It seems incongruous between 'high dosage'
and '5 milligrams', not to mention 'lake'.
I'm not sure how 'dwindle' gets one to 'grebe'.
Not ready to buy the 'bird-print robes' just yet.
The might get from 'sexual' to 'grebe' but I don't
see how they arise from either 'bodies well detailed'
or 'explicitly coloured'. But as medium ground approached the lines began to dwindle
and to dress in bird-print robes,
V4: As a transition to V5 this works fine. and today, at just 5 milligrams, he presents a grebe –
I do wonder, to whom is Greg presenting the grebe.
V5: I like this, as a verse and as an ending, (the image of
the clouds reflected in the water is very nice) but I've no idea
how it relates to 'sexual conquests'. Is there some grebe
behavioural fact that explains it?
'Sailing' is fine, I think, but do you then need 'smoothly'? [one] little grebe, sailing across a lake paddling through the clouds.
Liked these wiki facts: Although [grebes] can run for a short distance, they are prone to falling over, since they have their feet placed far back on the body.
and that they are related to flamingos.
Now idea how either relate to your piece though (but 'prone
to falling over' had potential, I think)
billy and Todd, thanks for returning to the poem. I'm pleased things seem generally better now, but hopefully before the weekend I'll attend to the points you mention and try to tidy up here and there. billy, I certainly don't mind your reinstating the original text; when I have a minute, I'll try to figure out how to do this!
Knot, thanks for your comments too. I'm not sure what to do now, because you prefer the original and the others like the edited version! But while I'm trying to figure it out I'll enjoy the facts about grebes :-)
Please note, I'm away at the moment because my partner is unwell and he requires a little extra TLC.
(10-29-2018, 03:17 AM)Ally Wrote: Kinda struggled with this. It's a solid poem, one that, because of my experiences, I read more as the trepidations of the depressed than the frustrations of the impotent, but either way it works. And that's why I struggled: mostly, it's kinda unpolished (see below), but there are some parts that are grossly unpolished, to the point that I had to rewrite this in my head a bunch of times just to see if they were deliberate. My guess was, and is, they weren't. T[b]o wit, "Sexual conquests / were his subject", "mile-long displays" (not that, on that second note, "miles-long" isn't right, just that it doesn't sound as smooth), "and today," -- the less grating offenders are in the following line-by-line.[/b]
Sexual conquests were his subject throughout high dosage – This line feels kinda cheap. Not that the opening wasn't a blunt instrument, but its bluntness I think is part of the draw; I feel like the idea in this line, which from my understanding is a play on getting high and getting elevated, should be more subtly incorporated into the next stanza, to sharpen the contrast between Greg's altitudes. mile-long displays of paper dolls, arms and legs splayed invitingly, "invitingly" is a very weak ending. Although splayed legs don't already imply it on their own, I think that blunt first line is more than enough. bodies well detailed. Where the last line is clear in teasing a certain almond-shaped set of organs, this one lacks too much in, ironically enough, detail. Cutting out "well detailed" is an avenue, it's certainly a barb on Greg's all-reducing hunger, but that's probably too much. Still --
As medium ground approached, This is much better positioned than the third line, although the third line being as it is really cheapens the effect. the lines began to dwindle and to dress in bird-print robes, This also feels cheap, as the title and the following stanzas are already tells; better perhaps to substitute with something less overt, something that, kinda ironically, is more explicit about the metaphorical function of why the lines metamorphose as such.
and today, at just 5 milligrams, Greg presents a grebe – "Greg" might not be necessary here; the right pronoun, coupled with the title, should be clear enough.
a little grebe, I'm still sorta bothered by this line. Sure, repetition for emphasis, but this is supposed to be much quieter than those "mile-long displays", so the emphasis is kinda unwarranted. The break between this and the previous stanza, though, is appropriate, like a final closeup to the movie-ending MacGuffin, so some other substitute, perhaps a sneaky new detail, is needed. sailing across a lake, paddling smoothly I'm definitely bothered by these two lines. Although, in conjunction with the last line, they convey the image quite well, the repetition of 'moving across the water' is again unnecessary, and "smoothly" is yet another weak ending. Better to compress these three last lines into two through the clouds.
But really, the reason why I gave this piece a closer look is because I like grebes. Lovely work.
However... based on your response, I'm not sure I'm in the right workshop. I thought 'Mild to moderate' would be right, based on info from Quix (thanks again for that :-) ), and the responses from billy and Todd have been in line with my expectations, but this seems a bit intense! What with other commitments, I just can't imagine a time when I'll be able to reply in full.
I posted in 'M to m' because I thought that would fit best with my schedule, but maybe Basic would be better? I'm a bit confused, to be honest
Please note, I'm away at the moment because my partner is unwell and he requires a little extra TLC.
Sometime we just go the whole hog. sometimes even stuff in basic gets the full cart blanch.
the main thing is we are never beholden to reply in full. A thank you is all we ask from poets and even that is a just guideline.
(11-03-2018, 03:49 AM)Ally Wrote: Hi RiverNotch,
Thanks for your comments too.
However... based on your response, I'm not sure I'm in the right workshop. I thought 'Mild to moderate' would be right, based on info from Quix (thanks again for that :-) ), and the responses from billy and Todd have been in line with my expectations, but this seems a bit intense! What with other commitments, I just can't imagine a time when I'll be able to reply in full.
I posted in 'M to m' because I thought that would fit best with my schedule, but maybe Basic would be better? I'm a bit confused, to be honest
Hi Ally, not going to let this slip down just yet I'm afraid
What fascinates me about this poem is the many layers of meaning possible. I originally read Greg as rather reprehensible, but at each pass I came to feel more sorry for him and concerned by the requirement for readjustment. I found myself wondering what life for Greg would have been like had society been different and had his understanding of aesthetics and ethics matched a little better. And then I reminded myself that basically all humans are just bags full of chemicals slapped around a food processing tube, and Greg's bag needed a slightly different composition.
"endless displays of paper dolls
joined at hands and feet,
correctly coloured in." - this to me represents expectation. This would be the essence of perfection in a kindergarten classroom, after all. We love conformity in our children - it makes them easier to organise and fit into standardised boxes. Man orders woman. Women. One man to a chain, and they're all much the same.
As Greg's dose reduces - presumably as he makes progress - the women are backgrounded. Is a man more serene, more at peace and more socially acceptable if he sees no women at all? What happens to Greg when the grebe is startled, no longer serene?
You see, this is why I love to read poems that don't give me answers. Tomorrow I will have different questions. Thank you for writing such a tangent-presenting piece of poetry.
Thanks for your comment. I'm quite surprised by all the layers, because I have only one in mind! Greg has been prescribed a specific type of medication and it alters his mind. I've been on it too. Do you think I should include it in the poem, or is it better to let people interpret based on their own knowledge and/or experience?
I agree completely with your description of humans, and I enjoyed reading your thoughts on the dolls. The grebe is serenity :>)
Best wishes,
Ally
Please note, I'm away at the moment because my partner is unwell and he requires a little extra TLC.
Hi Ally,
I think you've lost something from s2,
(the relation to sexual conquests) -
maybe reinstate the previous arms and legs splayed ? - the images seem
more reminiscent of school (crocodiles of
children).
The 'correctly coloured in' with its conformity
and control is a real improvement.
Should the start be 'sexual conquests were'
or 'sexual conquest was' ?
s3 - maybe 'hidden in' for 'and to hide' ?
Still think 'sailing' implies 'smoothly' but ...
(won't mention it again )
hi Ally; two small nits to look at or leave; they don't affect the poem that much but their removal might be a final tighten. the 2 stanza reads much better. i like how you turn the player into what seems like a proud father. well done on the edits.
(10-29-2018, 03:17 AM)Ally Wrote: 2nd EDIT
Sexual conquests
was his subject
throughout high dosage –
endless displays of paper dolls
joined at hands and feet,
correctly coloured in.
As medium ground approached,
the lines began to shorten
and to hide in bird-print robes, no need for [to]
and today
at just 5 milligrams,
Greg presents a grebe –
a little grebe,
sailing across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds is the [the] really necessary?
:>)
1st EDIT
Sexual conquests
was his subject
throughout high dosage –
miles-long displays of paper dolls,
arms and legs splayed invitingly,
bodies well detailed.
As medium ground approached,
the lines began to dwindle
and to dress
in bird-print robes,
and today
at just 5 milligrams,
Greg presents a grebe –
a little grebe,
sailing across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds.
:>)
Original:
Throughout high dosage,
his subject was
sexual conquests –
miles-long displays of paper dolls,
explicitly coloured,
arms joined. lovely image
But as medium ground approached,
the lines began to dwindle
and today,
at just 5 milligrams,
he presents a grebe –
a single little grebe,
making its way
across a lake,
paddling smoothly
through the clouds
Thanks for these additional comments :-) :>) (the grebe has helped with this latest version)
I've made just a few small changes. I'm happy with S2, as it invites the reader to use a little imagination. 'Sexual conquests' is one area of study, like a degree course, maybe.
Best wishes,
Ally
Please note, I'm away at the moment because my partner is unwell and he requires a little extra TLC.
i actually thought "has he used viagra" barring the first stanza you have some great images in there. it captures a moment of nature and makes me the reader feel warmer. 
