Blake Among the Mushroom Clouds

[Thunderembargo]

Blake Among the Mushroom Clouds 

I got tired on the bum-shroud long ago,
like charging psychedelic mushrooms
on the h-bomb cloud
and clod-hopping with the dull membrane of Prufrock
a volume of his brain, 
bound and filled with the commonwealthe clothe
as a reminder of blissful intoxication and acid sleep of sheep

that dream programmers like to think 
or dream electric and then hit the woolen sinke
its incessant insouciance or gainless gain
its noxious, burning gas-sweet
that poisons nonchalantly
poisoning the memory of love and simpletons

with these dull inclinations towards sorbet
orange or limeframe tonic
with parlance and adhock, adjunct notoriety
that hit the parlour's gate or stoneway epigramme
that's where Jacob's stone was laid
above the shelf or beneath the skirt of nightfall
Alfred doesn't have any reason to hide in Greenwich
or Southern England, 8the Centurie
to stroke the night because of this corner-chair
to wrestle the anglers in the big cat's lair
or shy away from the shell-shock gate, 
that the Ishtar Princess walked

Along the captain's tower
he would follow
deferring from the straight need
for psychedelia
and predicted implosions
walking towards the edge of eternity

Where some see Rasputin or Dostoevsky or 
some dull canvas hypochondriac
individuated despair
and intoxicating nihilism
with Nostradamus damning all of us
to realize his unkempt visions
catastrophic and unrealizable

The apostasy's poesy 
prophetic of dim revelation,
long since apocalyptic, apoplectic 
the madness rifling through his 
silly synapses or not quite so serious
as the end of the bottle
for Jim Morrison
of the future in panoramic hieroglyph
the futurist in William Blake and epiphany
Of John of Patmos 
exiled for painting Bosch, Hieronymus
much earlier than could be expected
his tempestuous tempest

the tympany of the pest
the bubons of the plague bubonic
and the judgement of Babylon
not fitting in somehow
between the farce of Rome East Side
or farcical documents
without Turin's
nuclear radiation

a pale rider ghosted
a pale ride ridered
or a pale ghost impaled

[Richard]

Hey Thunderembargo,
I've read this a few times over the last couple of days. I find my biggest issue is that I find it hard to get at what you're trying to say here. You have a lot of interesting images, but I'm not sure how they're supposed to go together exactly. This poem definitely has a psychedelic feel to it, which I think was your intention. However, I think you might have sacrificed too much meaning for the sake of tone. I'll go into more detail below:

Blake Among the Mushroom Clouds 

I got tired on the bum-shroud long ago, -Even after a google search, I still have no idea what "bum-shroud" means.
like charging psychedelic mushrooms
on the h-bomb cloud -The mushrooms and the bomb cloud is vivid imagery, but I'm not sure how they go together.
and clod-hopping with the dull membrane of Prufrock -I'm assuming J. Alfred Prufrock... Did T.S. Eliot experiment with psychedelic mushrooms? I feel like I heard about this in my university days, but I could be wrong.  
a volume of his brain, 
bound and filled with the commonwealthe clothe -Even after a google search, I still have no idea what "commonwealthe" means. May be this is an issue with dialect? 
as a reminder of blissful intoxication and acid sleep of sheep -The image of sheep comes out of no where. I'm assuming you're referring to people.

that dream programmers like to think -Are "dream programmers" supposed to be the ones who created the h-bomb? This could be clearer.
or dream electric and then hit the woolen sinke -Even after a google search, I still have no idea what "woolen sinke" means.
its incessant insouciance or gainless gain
its noxious, burning gas-sweet
that poisons nonchalantly -Is the poison the bomb or the mushrooms?
poisoning the memory of love and simpletons -I don't know why the ruining the memory of simpletons is as important as ruining the memory of love.

with these dull inclinations towards sorbet
orange or limeframe tonic
with parlance and adhock, adjunct notoriety -I find the first three lines in this stanza sound nice, but I have no idea what they mean.
that hit the parlour's gate or stoneway epigramme
that's where Jacob's stone was laid -The only Jacob coming to mind is from the Bible. Is that who you mean here?
above the shelf or beneath the skirt of nightfall
Alfred doesn't have any reason to hide in Greenwich -I'm assuming J. Alfred Prufrock again... 
or Southern England, 8the Centurie
to stroke the night because of this corner-chair
to wrestle the anglers in the big cat's lair
or shy away from the shell-shock gate, 
that the Ishtar Princess walked -I have no idea what the last five lines in this stanza mean. It gives me the impression that Prufrock has a time traveling corner-chair. 

Along the captain's tower
he would follow
deferring from the straight need
for psychedelia
and predicted implosions
walking towards the edge of eternity -This stanza sounds nice. It just doesn't make any sense. For example, where did the captain's tower come from?

Where some see Rasputin or Dostoevsky or 
some dull canvas hypochondriac
individuated despair
and intoxicating nihilism
with Nostradamus damning all of us
to realize his unkempt visions
catastrophic and unrealizable -I like the imagery in this stanza. I just don't understand what it has to do with the rest of the poem. Why not take this stanza and create a poem expanding on these images?

The apostasy's poesy 
prophetic of dim revelation,
long since apocalyptic, apoplectic 
the madness rifling through his 
silly synapses or not quite so serious
as the end of the bottle
for Jim Morrison
of the future in panoramic hieroglyph
the futurist in William Blake and epiphany
Of John of Patmos 
exiled for painting Bosch, Hieronymus
much earlier than could be expected
his tempestuous tempest -It feels like there's too much going on in this stanza. Again, this stanza has some interesting imagery in it. I would suggest picking out some of that imagery and expanding on it. For example, why not run with the Jim Morrison image and write an entire poem about that?

the tympany of the pest
the bubons of the plague bubonic
and the judgement of Babylon
not fitting in somehow
between the farce of Rome East Side
or farcical documents
without Turin's
nuclear radiation -I think this might be the most coherent stanza of the entire poem. I get what you're saying here and like the imagery. Personally, I think you need to ask yourself what you're trying to say in this poem. I feel like you're commenting on the h-bomb, but I don't really get much of an opinion. As for the mushrooms, I'm not really sure how they fit in other than this poem feeling very psychedelic.

a pale rider ghosted
a pale ride ridered
or a pale ghost impaled -I don't understand where the pale ghost rider came from. Is he/she a result of the bombs or the mushrooms? This is an image that needs to be explored more.

I think you have a start here. It just needs to be tightened up quite a bit. I look forward to seeing where take this piece from here.

Keep writing,
Richard

[Thunderembargo]

Hey Thunderembargo,
I've read this a few times over the last couple of days. I find my biggest issue is that I find it hard to get at what you're trying to say here. You have a lot of interesting images, but I'm not sure how they're supposed to go together exactly. This poem definitely has a psychedelic feel to it, which I think was your intention. However, I think you might have sacrificed too much meaning for the sake of tone. I'll go into more detail below:

Blake Among the Mushroom Clouds 

I got tired on the bum-shroud long ago, -Even after a google search, I still have no idea what "bum-shroud" means.
like charging psychedelic mushrooms
on the h-bomb cloud -The mushrooms and the bomb cloud is vivid imagery, but I'm not sure how they go together.
and clod-hopping with the dull membrane of Prufrock -I'm assuming J. Alfred Prufrock... Did T.S. Eliot experiment with psychedelic mushrooms? I feel like I heard about this in my university days, but I could be wrong.  
a volume of his brain, 
bound and filled with the commonwealthe clothe -Even after a google search, I still have no idea what "commonwealthe" means. May be this is an issue with dialect? 
as a reminder of blissful intoxication and acid sleep of sheep -The image of sheep comes out of no where. I'm assuming you're referring to people.

that dream programmers like to think -Are "dream programmers" supposed to be the ones who created the h-bomb? This could be clearer.
or dream electric and then hit the woolen sinke -Even after a google search, I still have no idea what "woolen sinke" means.
its incessant insouciance or gainless gain
its noxious, burning gas-sweet
that poisons nonchalantly -Is the poison the bomb or the mushrooms?
poisoning the memory of love and simpletons -I don't know why the ruining the memory of simpletons is as important as ruining the memory of love.

with these dull inclinations towards sorbet
orange or limeframe tonic
with parlance and adhock, adjunct notoriety -I find the first three lines in this stanza sound nice, but I have no idea what they mean.
that hit the parlour's gate or stoneway epigramme
that's where Jacob's stone was laid -The only Jacob coming to mind is from the Bible. Is that who you mean here?
above the shelf or beneath the skirt of nightfall
Alfred doesn't have any reason to hide in Greenwich -I'm assuming J. Alfred Prufrock again... 
or Southern England, 8the Centurie
to stroke the night because of this corner-chair
to wrestle the anglers in the big cat's lair
or shy away from the shell-shock gate, 
that the Ishtar Princess walked -I have no idea what the last five lines in this stanza mean. It gives me the impression that Prufrock has a time traveling corner-chair. 

Along the captain's tower
he would follow
deferring from the straight need
for psychedelia
and predicted implosions
walking towards the edge of eternity -This stanza sounds nice. It just doesn't make any sense. For example, where did the captain's tower come from?

Where some see Rasputin or Dostoevsky or 
some dull canvas hypochondriac
individuated despair
and intoxicating nihilism
with Nostradamus damning all of us
to realize his unkempt visions
catastrophic and unrealizable -I like the imagery in this stanza. I just don't understand what it has to do with the rest of the poem. Why not take this stanza and create a poem expanding on these images?

The apostasy's poesy 
prophetic of dim revelation,
long since apocalyptic, apoplectic 
the madness rifling through his 
silly synapses or not quite so serious
as the end of the bottle
for Jim Morrison
of the future in panoramic hieroglyph
the futurist in William Blake and epiphany
Of John of Patmos 
exiled for painting Bosch, Hieronymus
much earlier than could be expected
his tempestuous tempest -It feels like there's too much going on in this stanza. Again, this stanza has some interesting imagery in it. I would suggest picking out some of that imagery and expanding on it. For example, why not run with the Jim Morrison image and write an entire poem about that?

the tympany of the pest
the bubons of the plague bubonic
and the judgement of Babylon
not fitting in somehow
between the farce of Rome East Side
or farcical documents
without Turin's
nuclear radiation -I think this might be the most coherent stanza of the entire poem. I get what you're saying here and like the imagery. Personally, I think you need to ask yourself what you're trying to say in this poem. I feel like you're commenting on the h-bomb, but I don't really get much of an opinion. As for the mushrooms, I'm not really sure how they fit in other than this poem feeling very psychedelic.

a pale rider ghosted
a pale ride ridered
or a pale ghost impaled -I don't understand where the pale ghost rider came from. Is he/she a result of the bombs or the mushrooms? This is an image that needs to be explored more.

I think you have a start here. It just needs to be tightened up quite a bit. I look forward to seeing where take this piece from here.

Keep writing,
Richard

I will reply if they decide to keep this web-site going.   Which I really hope that they find a way to do so, because it is a wicked one.

[billy]

the site is staying. we have a good enough core of people to bring it back to life.

Hey Thunderembargo,
I've read this a few times over the last couple of days. I find my biggest issue is that I find it hard to get at what you're trying to say here. You have a lot of interesting images, but I'm not sure how they're supposed to go together exactly. This poem definitely has a psychedelic feel to it, which I think was your intention. However, I think you might have sacrificed too much meaning for the sake of tone. I'll go into more detail below:

Blake Among the Mushroom Clouds 

I got tired on the bum-shroud long ago, -Even after a google search, I still have no idea what "bum-shroud" means.
like charging psychedelic mushrooms
on the h-bomb cloud -The mushrooms and the bomb cloud is vivid imagery, but I'm not sure how they go together.
and clod-hopping with the dull membrane of Prufrock -I'm assuming J. Alfred Prufrock... Did T.S. Eliot experiment with psychedelic mushrooms? I feel like I heard about this in my university days, but I could be wrong.  
a volume of his brain, 
bound and filled with the commonwealthe clothe -Even after a google search, I still have no idea what "commonwealthe" means. May be this is an issue with dialect? 
as a reminder of blissful intoxication and acid sleep of sheep -The image of sheep comes out of no where. I'm assuming you're referring to people.

that dream programmers like to think -Are "dream programmers" supposed to be the ones who created the h-bomb? This could be clearer.
or dream electric and then hit the woolen sinke -Even after a google search, I still have no idea what "woolen sinke" means.
its incessant insouciance or gainless gain
its noxious, burning gas-sweet
that poisons nonchalantly -Is the poison the bomb or the mushrooms?
poisoning the memory of love and simpletons -I don't know why the ruining the memory of simpletons is as important as ruining the memory of love.

with these dull inclinations towards sorbet
orange or limeframe tonic
with parlance and adhock, adjunct notoriety -I find the first three lines in this stanza sound nice, but I have no idea what they mean.
that hit the parlour's gate or stoneway epigramme
that's where Jacob's stone was laid -The only Jacob coming to mind is from the Bible. Is that who you mean here?
above the shelf or beneath the skirt of nightfall
Alfred doesn't have any reason to hide in Greenwich -I'm assuming J. Alfred Prufrock again... 
or Southern England, 8the Centurie
to stroke the night because of this corner-chair
to wrestle the anglers in the big cat's lair
or shy away from the shell-shock gate, 
that the Ishtar Princess walked -I have no idea what the last five lines in this stanza mean. It gives me the impression that Prufrock has a time traveling corner-chair. 

Along the captain's tower
he would follow
deferring from the straight need
for psychedelia
and predicted implosions
walking towards the edge of eternity -This stanza sounds nice. It just doesn't make any sense. For example, where did the captain's tower come from?

Where some see Rasputin or Dostoevsky or 
some dull canvas hypochondriac
individuated despair
and intoxicating nihilism
with Nostradamus damning all of us
to realize his unkempt visions
catastrophic and unrealizable -I like the imagery in this stanza. I just don't understand what it has to do with the rest of the poem. Why not take this stanza and create a poem expanding on these images?

The apostasy's poesy 
prophetic of dim revelation,
long since apocalyptic, apoplectic 
the madness rifling through his 
silly synapses or not quite so serious
as the end of the bottle
for Jim Morrison
of the future in panoramic hieroglyph
the futurist in William Blake and epiphany
Of John of Patmos 
exiled for painting Bosch, Hieronymus
much earlier than could be expected
his tempestuous tempest -It feels like there's too much going on in this stanza. Again, this stanza has some interesting imagery in it. I would suggest picking out some of that imagery and expanding on it. For example, why not run with the Jim Morrison image and write an entire poem about that?

the tympany of the pest
the bubons of the plague bubonic
and the judgement of Babylon
not fitting in somehow
between the farce of Rome East Side
or farcical documents
without Turin's
nuclear radiation -I think this might be the most coherent stanza of the entire poem. I get what you're saying here and like the imagery. Personally, I think you need to ask yourself what you're trying to say in this poem. I feel like you're commenting on the h-bomb, but I don't really get much of an opinion. As for the mushrooms, I'm not really sure how they fit in other than this poem feeling very psychedelic.

a pale rider ghosted
a pale ride ridered
or a pale ghost impaled -I don't understand where the pale ghost rider came from. Is he/she a result of the bombs or the mushrooms? This is an image that needs to be explored more.

I think you have a start here. It just needs to be tightened up quite a bit. I look forward to seeing where take this piece from here.

Keep writing,
Richard

I will reply if they decide to keep this web-site going.   Which I really hope that they find a way to do so, because it is a wicked one.