10-21-2018, 12:38 PM (This post was last modified: 10-29-2018, 10:35 AM by billy.)
2nd edit, thanks to Ally for the punctuation tips [the hyphens]
After Dinner Naps
I could smell cabbage on her breath.
A few green specks were glued to her pristine white peggies,
three of them like miniature tombstones spattered
with lichen, moss and slime.
A hefty burp exploded,
reinforcing the image of a small Shrek at a dinner table.
Neon-green sticky vomit projectiled over a toothy grin,
a satisfied toothy grin.
she/it put chubby inflated fingers to her mouth then played
patticake on my face.
My shirt cried a little as my bellybutton inhaled the moisture.
I retched a little as the bubble-blowing face
flopped onto my mouth
like she were trying to resuscitate me
with the gurgle of a sloppy kiss.
Gooey fists hit my ears,
wiped themselves in my well-groomed hair.
After a few splutters she rested,
her head lifeless on my shoulder,
seemingly devoid of neck bones or cartilage.
A wisp of breath brushed my ear
as a silent trump rustled her diaper.
I joined her soft snoozes with my own--
two happy dozing monsters.
1st EDIT After Dinner Naps; Thanks to all those who left feedback
After Dinner Naps
I could smell cabbage on her breath.
A few green specks were glued to her pristine white peggies;
three of them like miniature tombstones spattered
with lichen, moss and slime.
A hefty burp exploded,
reinforcing the image of a small Shrek at a dinner table.
Neon green sticky vomit projectiled over a toothy grin,
a satisfied toothy grin.
she/it put chubby inflated fingers to her mouth then played
patticake on my face.
My shirt cried a little as my bellybutton inhaled the moisture.
I retched a little as the bubble blowing face
flopped onto my mouth
like she were trying to resuscitate me
with the gurgle of a sloppy kiss.
Gooey fists hit my ears,
wiped themselves in my well groomed hair.
After a few splutters she rested,
her head lifeless on my shoulder,
seemingly devoid of neck bones or cartilage.
A wisp of breath brushed my ear
as a silent trump rustled her diaper.
I joined her soft snoozes with my own--
two happy dozing monsters.
I could smell cabbage on her breath.
A few large particles of it were glued on her pristine white peggies;
three of them like miniature marble tombstones spattered
with lichen, moss and slime.
A hefty burp exploded,
reinforcing the image of a small Shrek at a dinner table.
Neon green sticky vomit projectiled over a toothy grin,
a satisfied toothy grin.
she/it put chubby inflated fingers to her mouth then played
patticake on my face.
My shirt cried a little as my bellybutton inhaled the moisture.
I wretched a little as the bubble blowing face
flopped onto my mouth
like she were trying to resuscitate me
with the gurgle of a slit throat.
Gooey fists slapped my ears,
wiped themselves in my well groomed hair.
After a few splutters she rested,
her head lifeless on my shoulder,
seemingly devoid of neck bones or cartilage.
A wisp of breath brushed my ear
as a silent trump rustled her diaper.
I joined her soft snoozes with my own;
two happy dozing monsters.
Delightful - as only a dad (or granddad) could find it. On minimal reading, a few comments only -
(10-21-2018, 12:38 PM)billy Wrote: After Dinner Naps nice, sets up the point which the ending makes while also implying this is a repeated event
I could smell cabbage on her breath.
A few large particles of it were glued on her pristine white peggies;
three of them like miniature marble tombstones spattered
with lichen, moss and slime. ambiguity - at this point she could just be a meth addict (good ambiguity)
A hefty burp exploded,
reinforcing the image of a small Shrek at a dinner table. "small" - now we're coming into focus
Neon green sticky vomit projectiled over a toothy grin,
a satisfied toothy grin.
she/it put chubby inflated fingers to her mouth then played I think Shrek-world ogres are gendered, but get the point
patticake on my face.
My shirt cried a little as my bellybutton inhaled the moisture.
I wretched a little as the bubble blowing face I believe the word is "retched"
flopped onto my mouth
like she were trying to resuscitate me
with the gurgle of a slit throat. a l-i-t-t-l-e edgy there
Gooey fists slapped my ears, "punched" to go with "fists?" Also, "fistsslapped" makes me go Daffy Duck when reading aloud
wiped themselves in my well groomed hair.
After a few splutters she rested,
her head lifeless on my shoulder, less edgy, but still...
seemingly devoid of neck bones or cartilage.
A wisp of breath brushed my ear
as a silent trump rustled her diaper. will this make sense in 10 years?
I joined her soft snoozes with my own; maybe an em dash, but not a strong recommendation. Colon too obvious.
two happy dozing monsters. perfect ending
Hey billy,
This is a nice piece because it could have easily fell into sentimentality given the subject, but it doesn't. I do have some thoughts:
(10-21-2018, 12:38 PM)billy Wrote: After Dinner Naps -I feel like any parent will appreciate the pluralization of "Naps" here.
I could smell cabbage on her breath.-A gross opening, but it does a good job of catching the reader's attention.
A few large particles of it were glued on her pristine white peggies;
three of them like miniature marble tombstones spattered
with lichen, moss and slime.
A hefty burp exploded, -I feel like "exploded" isn't needed here as it seems to be a bit redundant to me. You could say something like "A heft burp reinforced the image of..."
reinforcing the image of a small Shrek at a dinner table. -I'm torn on the Shrek image. On the one way hand I think it's appropriate, but then it is a bit dated. However, being a dated reference reinforces the speaker as a parent because we make dated references all the time.
Neon green sticky vomit projectiled over a toothy grin,
a satisfied toothy grin.
she/it put chubby inflated fingers to her mouth then played
patticake on my face. -I wonder if you would consider turning "patticake" into a verb here and say something like, "then patticaked my face"? Just a thought.
My shirt cried a little as my bellybutton inhaled the moisture. -I found the imagery in this line incredibly odd, but that's a good thing because it made me reread and enjoy this line numerous times.
I wretched a little as the bubble blowing face
flopped onto my mouth
like she were trying to resuscitate me
with the gurgle of a slit throat. -Personally, I found this image a bit inconsistent with the rest of the poem up to this point. A "slit throat" seems out of place to me in the context of the rest of the poem.
Gooey fists slapped my ears,
wiped themselves in my well groomed hair.
After a few splutters she rested,
her head lifeless on my shoulder,
seemingly devoid of neck bones or cartilage. -This is a nice image because it reinforces the idea of the child as some sort of monster.
A wisp of breath brushed my ear
as a silent trump rustled her diaper. -I like this reference to poop. Any parent can sympathize with it.
I joined her soft snoozes with my own;
two happy dozing monsters. -I quite like the last two lines. I wonder if the speaker considers himself a monster because of thinking about the "gurgle of a slit throat" and "her head lifeless"? Or is the monster reference just reinforcing the sense of togetherness between a parent and their child? If your attention is the first interpretation, then the "slit throat" image should probably be kept.
I hope some of what I said is helpful, and I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.
(10-21-2018, 10:16 PM)dukealien Wrote: Delightful - as only a dad (or granddad) could find it. On minimal reading, a few comments only -
(10-21-2018, 12:38 PM)billy Wrote: After Dinner Naps nice, sets up the point which the ending makes while also implying this is a repeated event
I could smell cabbage on her breath.
A few large particles of it were glued on her pristine white peggies;
three of them like miniature marble tombstones spattered
with lichen, moss and slime. ambiguity - at this point she could just be a meth addict (good ambiguity)
A hefty burp exploded,
reinforcing the image of a small Shrek at a dinner table. "small" - now we're coming into focus
Neon green sticky vomit projectiled over a toothy grin,
a satisfied toothy grin.
she/it put chubby inflated fingers to her mouth then played I think Shrek-world ogres are gendered, but get the point
patticake on my face.
My shirt cried a little as my bellybutton inhaled the moisture.
I wretched a little as the bubble blowing face I believe the word is "retched"
flopped onto my mouth
like she were trying to resuscitate me
with the gurgle of a slit throat. a l-i-t-t-l-e edgy there
Gooey fists slapped my ears, "punched" to go with "fists?" Also, "fistsslapped" makes me go Daffy Duck when reading aloud
wiped themselves in my well groomed hair.
After a few splutters she rested,
her head lifeless on my shoulder, less edgy, but still...
seemingly devoid of neck bones or cartilage.
A wisp of breath brushed my ear
as a silent trump rustled her diaper. will this make sense in 10 years?
I joined her soft snoozes with my own; maybe an em dash, but not a strong recommendation. Colon too obvious.
two happy dozing monsters. perfect ending
Loved it, er, her , er, them.
Thanks for the feedback Dalien. yes i meant retched, i also like the idea of an m dash. i'll also maybe do something with the slit throat
(10-22-2018, 03:07 AM)Richard Wrote: Hey billy,
This is a nice piece because it could have easily fell into sentimentality given the subject, but it doesn't. I do have some thoughts:
(10-21-2018, 12:38 PM)billy Wrote: After Dinner Naps -I feel like any parent will appreciate the pluralization of "Naps" here.
I could smell cabbage on her breath.-A gross opening, but it does a good job of catching the reader's attention.
A few large particles of it were glued on her pristine white peggies;
three of them like miniature marble tombstones spattered
with lichen, moss and slime.
A hefty burp exploded, -I feel like "exploded" isn't needed here as it seems to be a bit redundant to me. You could say something like "A heft burp reinforced the image of..."
reinforcing the image of a small Shrek at a dinner table. -I'm torn on the Shrek image. On the one way hand I think it's appropriate, but then it is a bit dated. However, being a dated reference reinforces the speaker as a parent because we make dated references all the time.
Neon green sticky vomit projectiled over a toothy grin,
a satisfied toothy grin.
she/it put chubby inflated fingers to her mouth then played
patticake on my face. -I wonder if you would consider turning "patticake" into a verb here and say something like, "then patticaked my face"? Just a thought.
My shirt cried a little as my bellybutton inhaled the moisture. -I found the imagery in this line incredibly odd, but that's a good thing because it made me reread and enjoy this line numerous times.
I wretched a little as the bubble blowing face
flopped onto my mouth
like she were trying to resuscitate me
with the gurgle of a slit throat. -Personally, I found this image a bit inconsistent with the rest of the poem up to this point. A "slit throat" seems out of place to me in the context of the rest of the poem.
Gooey fists slapped my ears,
wiped themselves in my well groomed hair.
After a few splutters she rested,
her head lifeless on my shoulder,
seemingly devoid of neck bones or cartilage. -This is a nice image because it reinforces the idea of the child as some sort of monster.
A wisp of breath brushed my ear
as a silent trump rustled her diaper. -I like this reference to poop. Any parent can sympathize with it.
I joined her soft snoozes with my own;
two happy dozing monsters. -I quite like the last two lines. I wonder if the speaker considers himself a monster because of thinking about the "gurgle of a slit throat" and "her head lifeless"? Or is the monster reference just reinforcing the sense of togetherness between a parent and their child? If your attention is the first interpretation, then the "slit throat" image should probably be kept.
I hope some of what I said is helpful, and I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.
Thanks for the read,
Richard
thanks for the feedback richard; will think about patticakes and will think about the slit throat image.
I could smell cabbage on her breath. glued [to] her pristine peggies; three of them, marble tombstones spattered
- I can see why the 'tombstone' image, but
how does it fit in with 'monsters'? with lichen, moss and slime.
A hefty burp exploded, [swamp gas,] Shrek at a dinner table. Neon green sticky vomit projectiled over a toothy grin,
- can 'three peggies' be described as toothy? a satisfied toothy grin.
Gooey fists slapped my ears,
- if they are 'fists' aren't they punching or boxing your ears.
Slaps are open handed. wiped themselves in my well groomed hair. she/it put chubby inflated fingers to her mouth
- either 'inflated' or 'chubby' (one, at least, is redundant) then played patticake on my face.
- it would, I think, be nice to have more of a description
of this (and its results) before jumping to 'My shirt'
(Might 'she' have slapped you sticky, for instance?)
My shirt cried a little as my bellybutton inhaled the moisture.
- not sure about 'inhaled' in terms of 'moisture', maybe 'drowned in '? I wretched a little as the bubble blowing face
- isn't it 'retched' ? Also, second 'face' what happened to 'Shrek'?
I think you should stick with the monster image (especially given
your last line). flopped onto my mouth
- something disgustingly evocative after flopped? like she were trying to resuscitate me with the gurgle of a slit throat.
- this seems really out of place (as does 'lifeless' in the next verse).
After a few splutters she rested, her head lifeless on my shoulder, seemingly devoid of bone or cartilage. A wisp of breath brushed my ear
- do you need this? Second use of 'ear'. a silent trump rustled her diaper.
- 'silent' and 'rustled' ?
I joined her soft snoozes with my own; two happy dozing monsters.
- maybe two monsters, happy, dozing ?
I enjoyed this one Billy, mostly because you dont take the dewy eyed view of the yuck that the little ones bring. also the imagery you extend to the reader is gross and easy to conect with. Some thoughts below. Best Keith
(10-21-2018, 12:38 PM)billy Wrote: After Dinner Naps
I could smell cabbage on her breath. solid intro, I want to know more
A few large particles of it were glued on her pristine white peggies; peggies is the link here it puts the reader wher he needs to be, consider changing particals its a bit of a mouthful (no pun intended) three of them like miniature marble tombstones spattered do you need marble? we can see our own tombstone
with lichen, moss and slime.
A hefty burp exploded,
reinforcing the image of a small Shrek at a dinner table. the use of like is well avoided here
Neon green sticky vomit projectiled over a toothy grin,
a satisfied toothy grin.
she/it put chubby inflated fingers to her mouth then played
patticake on my face. love these lines, totaly gross
My shirt cried a little as my bellybutton inhaled the moisture. solid line really like the shirt crying et al
I wretched a little as the bubble blowing face
flopped onto my mouth
like she were trying to resuscitate me I can see every detail of this, nicely done
with the gurgle of a slit throat.
Gooey fists slapped my ears,
wiped themselves in my well groomed hair. this reinforces the level of the assault with the use of well groomed, neatly done
After a few splutters she rested,
her head lifeless on my shoulder,
seemingly devoid of neck bones or cartilage.
A wisp of breath brushed my ear delightfuly in its imagery
as a silent trump rustled her diaper. boom boom
I joined her soft snoozes with my own;
two happy dozing monsters. Nice link back to shrek, all works well for me.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
I'm not sure whether I should be in 'Mild to moderate', but I figured you could just bin this post if it's not up to standard :-)
This poem is very vivid, which I like. The honesty of the narrator holds a lot of charm. It's a messy time. The enjambements feel natural, and the metaphors enhance the description (sometimes metaphors confuse me, so this is a good thing!).
I'd suggest a comma in place of the semi-colon at the end of stanza 1 line 2, just because I think this would help with the flow.
How do you feel about attributive hyphens? There are places where one could be inserted, but not if you prefer to eschew them as a general rule.
There are double spaces here and there, but this is small stuff really. I'm not even sure whether I should mention it; I'm happy not to, ever again, if it annoys!
In place of 'like she were', perhaps you could consider 'as though she were'? This would be a variation on 'like', which is used in S1. (Small stuff again.)
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. It's sort of disgustingly jubilant, which is cool.
Best wishes,
Ally
Please note, I'm away at the moment because my partner is unwell and he requires a little extra TLC.
10-26-2018, 08:08 AM (This post was last modified: 10-26-2018, 08:09 AM by billy.)
hi and thanks ally, your feedback is fine, it gets easier the more you do it. where do you suggest the hyphens go? will sort out the double spaces and think about the simile prefix. will look at the comma you mentioned in the next edit. thanks for the feedback and for taking the time to give it.
(10-26-2018, 02:52 AM)Ally Wrote: Hi Billy,
I'm not sure whether I should be in 'Mild to moderate', but I figured you could just bin this post if it's not up to standard :-)
This poem is very vivid, which I like. The honesty of the narrator holds a lot of charm. It's a messy time. The enjambements feel natural, and the metaphors enhance the description (sometimes metaphors confuse me, so this is a good thing!).
I'd suggest a comma in place of the semi-colon at the end of stanza 1 line 2, just because I think this would help with the flow.
How do you feel about attributive hyphens? There are places where one could be inserted, but not if you prefer to eschew them as a general rule.
There are double spaces here and there, but this is small stuff really. I'm not even sure whether I should mention it; I'm happy not to, ever again, if it annoys!
In place of 'like she were', perhaps you could consider 'as though she were'? This would be a variation on 'like', which is used in S1. (Small stuff again.)
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. It's sort of disgustingly jubilant, which is cool.
You're welcome, billy :-) (I'm pleased to read that giving feedback gets easier with practice!)
You could consider hyphens in 'Neon-green', 'bubble-blowing', and 'well-groomed'... so that was only three places, haha. And only if you want them there, of course. There's been a general move away from this sort of usage in publishing during the last few years, as it's felt that readers don't need to see hyphens to understand what they're reading. I think that's true here.
Please note, I'm away at the moment because my partner is unwell and he requires a little extra TLC.
my punctuation has often let me down, i see nothing wrong with your suggestions.
(10-27-2018, 03:29 AM)Ally Wrote: You're welcome, billy :-) (I'm pleased to read that giving feedback gets easier with practice!)
You could consider hyphens in 'Neon-green', 'bubble-blowing', and 'well-groomed'... so that was only three places, haha. And only if you want them there, of course. There's been a general move away from this sort of usage in publishing during the last few years, as it's felt that readers don't need to see hyphens to understand what they're reading. I think that's true here.
(10-21-2018, 12:38 PM)billy Wrote: 2nd edit, thanks to Ally for the punctuation tips [the hyphens]
After Dinner Naps
I could smell cabbage on her breath. luscious and intoxicating, vivid and sensuous
A few green specks were glued to her pristine white peggies, "white peggies" seems like a technical accessory, or seems to accessorize
three of them like miniature tombstones spattered
with lichen, moss and slime. these could also be the names of the tombstones, which increases the intrigue
A hefty burp exploded, can this action be augmented adverbially?
reinforcing the image of a small Shrek at a dinner table.
Neon-green sticky vomit projectiled over a toothy grin, there is no verb for projectile, "launched" is technically right, but "projectiled" makes the feel and observation
a satisfied toothy grin. of the poem
she/it put chubby inflated fingers to her mouth then played
patticake on my face.
My shirt cried a little as my bellybutton inhaled the moisture. the unlikely details are what give the poem endless fascination
I retched a little as the bubble-blowing face
flopped onto my mouth
like she were trying to resuscitate me
with the gurgle of a sloppy kiss.
Gooey fists hit my ears,
wiped themselves in my well-groomed hair. can you add to well-groomed? say.......... well-groomed and well-kempt
After a few splutters she rested,
her head lifeless on my shoulder,
seemingly devoid of neck bones or cartilage.
A wisp of breath brushed my ear
as a silent trump rustled her diaper.
I joined her soft snoozes with my own--
two happy dozing monsters. i think this gets a conjunction or punctuation.......happy, dozing or happy and dozing
1st EDIT After Dinner Naps; Thanks to all those who left feedback
After Dinner Naps
I could smell cabbage on her breath.
A few green specks were glued to her pristine white peggies;
three of them like miniature tombstones spattered
with lichen, moss and slime.
A hefty burp exploded,
reinforcing the image of a small Shrek at a dinner table.
Neon green sticky vomit projectiled over a toothy grin,
a satisfied toothy grin.
she/it put chubby inflated fingers to her mouth then played
patticake on my face.
My shirt cried a little as my bellybutton inhaled the moisture.
I retched a little as the bubble blowing face
flopped onto my mouth
like she were trying to resuscitate me
with the gurgle of a sloppy kiss.
Gooey fists hit my ears,
wiped themselves in my well groomed hair.
After a few splutters she rested,
her head lifeless on my shoulder,
seemingly devoid of neck bones or cartilage.
A wisp of breath brushed my ear
as a silent trump rustled her diaper.
I joined her soft snoozes with my own--
two happy dozing monsters.
I could smell cabbage on her breath.
A few large particles of it were glued on her pristine white peggies;
three of them like miniature marble tombstones spattered
with lichen, moss and slime.
A hefty burp exploded,
reinforcing the image of a small Shrek at a dinner table.
Neon green sticky vomit projectiled over a toothy grin,
a satisfied toothy grin.
she/it put chubby inflated fingers to her mouth then played
patticake on my face.
My shirt cried a little as my bellybutton inhaled the moisture.
I wretched a little as the bubble blowing face
flopped onto my mouth
like she were trying to resuscitate me
with the gurgle of a slit throat.
Gooey fists slapped my ears,
wiped themselves in my well groomed hair.
After a few splutters she rested,
her head lifeless on my shoulder,
seemingly devoid of neck bones or cartilage.
A wisp of breath brushed my ear
as a silent trump rustled her diaper.
I joined her soft snoozes with my own;
two happy dozing monsters.
A tremendous poem. Lurid and innocent. Diverse, vibrant, strange, energetic, bizarre, exotic, wholesome and very rich. Deserves many, many sequels.
billy, I'm really pleased I've been able to help a bit :-)
(10-29-2018, 10:36 AM)billy Wrote: i've done a small edit and used the hyphens as you suggested ally, i think they do make a difference enough to use them.
Please note, I'm away at the moment because my partner is unwell and he requires a little extra TLC.
, er, them.
