First Edit: Remoteness/September Snow

[Richard]

September Snow

A hood hides your face
like clouds cover stars
as an early winter prepares
to bury dead leaves.

North is not a place
for love poems.
Hearts freeze here,
even when insulated by layers
only you have the patience
to remove and neatly fold.
Lips crack, with or without
the pressure of kissing,
my mittened hands
still cold.

Original:

Remoteness

Snow in September,
a hood hides your face
like clouds cover stars,
while a storm prepares
to bury the dead colours
of autumn.

North is not a place
for love poems.
Hearts freeze there,
even when insulated by layers
only you have the patience
to remove and neatly fold,
lips crack, with or without
the pressure of kissing,
my mittened hands lonely.

[Todd]

Hi Richard, some thoughts on your piece:

Remoteness

Snow in September,--This is a flat opening line for me. It's telling. It doesn't draw me in. I do think you can fix it with a simple rearrangement of your opening lines. Perhaps

a hood hides your face
like snow in September
clouds cover stars

a hood hides your face
like clouds cover stars,
while a storm prepares
to bury the dead colours--I like this last thought quite a bit. I can live with the break here, though I'm split on whether that extra beat hurts the of autumn. It may be better completely sitting on one line. I'm undecided.
of autumn.

North is not a place--This is a really cool break. It makes the line interesting and then shifts entirely on the next line.
for love poems.--love this section too.
Hearts freeze there,
even when insulated by layers--nice building on the conceit
only you have the patience
to remove and neatly fold,
lips crack, with or without--Not really liking the passive voice of lips crack.
the pressure of kissing,
my mittened hands lonely.--No other issues with this sequence. I think you pick up steam as you go along. My issue is with the opening not encouraging me to get here.

Just some thoughts, Richard.

Best,

Todd

[Richard]

Hey Todd,
Thanks for the feedback. As always, you gave me some useful suggestions to think about. I really like what you said about rearranging the first line/stanza because it got me thinking a little differently about this piece. I will give it some serious thought when I do an edit.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Keith]

Hi Richard I enjoyed reading your poem I like how it switches from a wide vista into macro views of lips and mittens, not so keen on the title or the opening but the rest of the pice is engaging and gives the reader a sense remote lives in a remote place, hence why Im not keen on the title, because i dont think you need to telegraph the content in this way, some line by line below. best Keith

Remoteness

Snow in September, Could be a title but your using it to set the scene so it needs to work harder or could be cut?
a hood hides your face...... Intreging for the reader this starts the poem for me.
like clouds cover stars,.......like is a bit obvious so early in the piece
while a storm prepares.......not a fan of while but really like the subsequent lines and storms bringing about autumns funeral, I wondered away on these lines they are so visual
to bury the dead colours
of autumn.

I think if you could tweek the Like While problem this would be a great opening

North is not a place
for love poems.....I like how this again sets a cold scene but I wouldnt use love or Hearts here simply becuase they dont work hard enough in such a short piece, for me they are pretend words for intimacy and bread crumbs into the next three lines where the reader is given insight into the type of relationship that has been established in this place. You could get a lot more out of this stanza with better word choices than Love Hearts.  
Hearts freeze there,
even when insulated by layers
only you have the patience
to remove and neatly fold,
lips crack, with or without
the pressure of kissing, I like this a lot, very visual
my mittened hands lonely. for me kissing crashes into this final line and I looped around it forming my own ending of Kissing my lonley mittend hands and I'm sure thats not what you are going for but it could just be me.

Hope some of this helps and edit. best Keith

[Richard]

Hey Keith,
Thanks for the feedback. I was wondering about the title, so I appreciate your suggestions about that. You thoughts about the use of "love" and "heart" got me thinking a bit differently about this piece.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Knot]

Hi Richard,
very taken by the opening lines of S2, excellent work!

I agree with Todd and Keith about the opening line
(like Keith, I think it works better as a title - if so
then you migh consider cutting 'of autumn' as it
would be easily inferred)

S2- maybe put some more thought into
the enjambments. The final three lines
seem comparatively weak.

Best, Knot.

[RiverNotch]

Remoteness The title here being a little more nondescript.

Snow in September, Too much of a start? Then again, snow's rare in the early months, right? Still, with the others' notes, I'm compelled to ask that "September" be shifted, and "Snow" be cut out...
a hood hides your face
like clouds cover stars,
while a storm prepares ...especially with "a storm" having potential to carry that verse-setting sense of whiteness.
to bury the dead colours
of autumn. To elaborate, the line break is good for the sonic rhythm, the former line would be too long with "of autumn" so appended, but not so good for the thought-rhythm, "of autumn" on its own is a pretty blank line. I wouldn't condense the previous line, though -- "dead colours" sorta captivates -- so maybe paint a brief, one-line portrait of autumn?

The piece really does take off by the second stanza. "North is not a place / for love poems" is seductive, I think, because it's so confident in being an epigram, while the rest, although I could imagine them being carried by those opening two lines alone, bear their own weight. I don't think it's an entirely impossible task to tease apart what makes this piece's greater half work, it's not a long passage, but I don't think it's entirely necessary too, especially as the style is a little distinct from its less graceful elder brother.

Perhaps it would be helpful to point out that the stanza's second sentence cascades, "layers" being the titillating setup to the layers of skin peeling from chapped lips, lips stuck together for more than three minutes, lips one's "mittened hands" are restrained from mock-fingering --- but if the first stanza does the same, the power of the second stanza would be greatly diminished, and so too if that stanza is just cut outright.

Ah, well, I suppose you've enough notes to work with, and overall I think the piece has got a strong-enough first draft (or at least first draft here posted). Lovely work.

[ellajam]

Hi, Richard. I think the poem achieves the feeling of remoteness without saying it but if you want to keep it you could consider Remote. September Snow might be nice. A few thoughts:

Remoteness

Snow in September, see above.
a hood hides your face lovely line.
like clouds cover stars, I think you could lose this comma, the break does its job. I might prefer "the stars".
while a storm prepares You might consider replacing while with as. For me it would improve the sonics.
to bury the dead colours I like the good use of bury and dead in such a short line.
of autumn. We know it's autumn, you might use this opportunity to increase the mood, "crunching underfoot" or any other sense you want to bring in.

North is not a place
for love poems. I like the bluntness of these lines.
Hearts freeze there,
even when insulated by layers
only you have the patience
to remove and neatly fold, Effective imagery, I'd like an end stop here to encapsulate it and give me time to think about it.
lips crack, with or without
the pressure of kissing, Very much like how these two lines lead to thoughts about the value of a romantic relationship.
my mittened hands lonely. I like the image but you may want to think of a more interesting way to say "lonely".

Thanks for posting it, Richard, I'm enjoying it. (Sorry, forgot to proof my response, might make more sense now. )

[Richard]

Hey Knot, RiverNotch, and Ellajam,
Thanks for the feedback. I feel like some of the lines in this poem might be the most success I've ever had writing a "love poem". I'm been a bit distracted by work, but I plan on tackling an edit of this one sooner rather than later.

Thanks again,
Richard

[rowens]

It seems to me: 

A snow in September
hides your face
in a hood
like clouds over stars,
while a storm prepares
to bury the dead colours.

But enough of that meddling.



North is not a place
for love poems.


I like bold, simple statements. 


Hearts freeze there,
even when insulated by layers
only you have the patience
to remove and neatly fold,
lips crack, with or without
the pressure of kissing,
my mittened hands lonely.

But after simple statements, it's best to warm things up with some pyrotechnics. But that's me.
The Hearts freeze there line is the least necessary, though if you changed 'there' to 'here', or just drop 'there', you might could work something out.
And there's a slight play in the you have the patience to remove bit. If you know what I mean.

[Richard]

Hey rowens,
Thanks for the feedback. I like the "here" suggestion. Getting close to an edit with this.

Thanks again,
Richard

---

Hey all,
I've been somewhat minimalist with my edits. I pruned the first stanza a bit, but the only major change in the second stanza is me playing around with the ending. Feel free to let me know if it's going in the right direction. I'm very curious to know what people think of the change to the ending.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

[ellajam]

Lovely

September Snow

A hood hides your face
like clouds cover stars
as an early winter prepares
to bury dead leaves.

North is not a place
for love poems.
Hearts freeze here,
even when insulated by layers
only you have the patience
to remove and neatly fold.
Lips crack, with or without
the pressure of kissing,
my mittened hands
still cold.

Original:

Remoteness

Snow in September,
a hood hides your face
like clouds cover stars,
while a storm prepares
to bury the dead colours
of autumn.

North is not a place
for love poems.
Hearts freeze there,
even when insulated by layers
only you have the patience
to remove and neatly fold,
lips crack, with or without
the pressure of kissing,
my mittened hands lonely.

[Richard]

Thanks ellajam, greatly appreciate the kind comment

[billy]

just giving feedback on the edit without reading the original. over all it was an good read with some good images. i think it needs a stronger ending, i'd also like to feel more of the love or want in the poem.

September Snow

A hood hides your face
like clouds cover stars
as an early winter prepares not sure [as] is needed, keep it tight
to bury dead leaves.

North is not a place
for love poems.
Hearts freeze here, is [here] needed as we can assume it's in the north
even when insulated by layers
only you have the patience
to remove and neatly fold. really like this and the line above. great image
Lips crack, with or without
the pressure of kissing, a suggestion would be [the pressure of a kiss.]
my mittened hands
still cold. feels a little forced. for me, this line needs more, maybe another line to qualify the statement.

Original:

Remoteness

Snow in September,
a hood hides your face
like clouds cover stars,
while a storm prepares
to bury the dead colours
of autumn.

North is not a place
for love poems.
Hearts freeze there,
even when insulated by layers
only you have the patience
to remove and neatly fold,
lips crack, with or without
the pressure of kissing,
my mittened hands lonely. for me, this line needs more, maybe another line to qualify the statement.

[Richard]

Hey billy,
Thanks for the feedback. I was really curious about the ending, so I appreciate your thoughts on that.

Thanks again,
Richard

[ellajam]

Something like

my mittened fingers
enclosed

or even

my fingers mittened

might add to the sense of remoteness. Mittens have that roomy but unto itself image on their own.

[Knot]

Hi Richard

September Snow
Works much better with this
as the title.

A hood hides your face
like clouds cover stars
as an early winter prepares
to bury dead leaves.
L3-4 seem a bit clumsy,
and I miss the 'storm'. Maybe
an early winter storm
buries dead leaves. ?

North is not a place
for love poems.
Hearts freeze here,
even when insulated by layers
I think you could leave a space here.
Not sure if 'by layers' does enough
(it's rather implied by insulated)
Or perhaps it's just the 'when' that's
unnecessary?
(no matter how many layers ?)

Just a different take on the ending
(I think you need to return to 'your')
Lips crack, with or without
the pressure of kissing,
[your un]mittened [fingers]
[are] still [so] cold.

Best, Knot.

.

[Richard]

Hey Knot and ellajam,
Thanks for the feedback. I need to give the ending some more thought.

Thanks again,
Richard

[nozaki]

this crit might not be in-depth as this category warrants, but ah, i tried. hope you may find some of it helpful. 

September Snow

A hood hides your face
like clouds cover stars -the follow-up lines are really what make this piece shine. lovely
as an early winter prepares
to bury dead leaves. -dead seems somewhat redundant after bury. maybe dry? anyways, I think you did a really good job editing this stanza into something very spare and evocative. 

North is not a place
for love poems. 
Hearts freeze here, 
even when insulated by layers -considering the next line, seems like punctuation is needed here. on second glance, I guess not. I like it. 
only you have the patience
to remove and neatly fold. -aw, hint of a love poem anyways. 
Lips crack, with or without
the pressure of kissing, 
my mittened hands
still cold. -not so hot on the last four lines, to me they're lacking as strong of a focus that you had in earlier lines. I think the detail falls a bit flat. 

Original:

Remoteness

Snow in September,
a hood hides your face
like clouds cover stars,
while a storm prepares
to bury the dead colours
of autumn.

North is not a place
for love poems.
Hearts freeze there,
even when insulated by layers
only you have the patience
to remove and neatly fold,
lips crack, with or without
the pressure of kissing,
my mittened hands lonely.

[Richard]

Hey nozaki,
Thanks for the feedback. I need to give the ending some thought based of what you and others have said.

Thanks again,
Richard