Syndicated - Edit 1 (Formerly Caramelized)

[Wjames]

Those seconds that you took
from the fruit bowl and the clock
while I fumbled in my pocket
for a lighter and the keys,
jangled and metallic
and pretending to be iron
as I walked toward the door
and heard it slam.

I wonder if the party ever stopped,
or if it begins again each night
whiskey bores through scab
watching reruns of Seinfeld without laughing
at Jerry's hollow stabs at love.

Caramelized

Those seconds that you took

from the fruit bowl and the clock
as I thumbed inside my pocket
for a lighter and the keys, 
all jangled and metallic
and pretending to be iron
as I walked toward the door
with no goodbye

I wonder if the party ever stopped,
or if it just begins again each night
as I drink too much and watch reruns
of Seinfeld without laughing
at Jerry’s hollow stabs at love.

[alonso ramoran]

Hey Wjames,

I'm still trying to figure out what is "Caramelized" about this poem. I'm thinking of a burning sweetness that is coating something raw in a metaphorical sense or just in the plain literal sense as a cooking technique, but I could find neither. Your poem is well written and delightful to read, but I did find a few blemishes. Comments below

Those seconds that you took I'd reword this line as "You took the seconds", otherwise this sentence, in spite of not ending with a period, reads as incomplete. I'd also maybe add something to this line to give it more meat if you go with "You took the seconds". If you wish to complete the sentence and stick with what you already wrote in this line, I'd suggest revisiting the subject of those seconds after the sequence of L3-6, then ending the sentence there. Then you could rewrite L7-8 as another sentence or a clause.
from the fruit bowl and the clock
as I thumbed inside my pocket I don't know if searching through your pocket can be done with only your thumbs
for a lighter and the keys,
all jangled and metallic I think "jangling" would work better and I'd omit "all"
and pretending to be iron
as I walked toward the door Comma at beginning?
with no goodbye Period at the end?

I wonder if the party ever stopped,
or if it just begins again each night I'd omit "just"
as I drink too much and watch reruns
of Seinfeld without laughing
at Jerry’s hollow stabs at love.

Best, Alex

[Wjames]

Thanks for your thoughts, Alex, sorry it took me so long to get back to this.

I agree with most of your thoughts, except for the bit about the incomplete sentence, it may not be a complete sentence grammatically in and of itself, but I think the relation to the [now different] title completes the sentence/thought.

I've made some changes with your thoughts in mind, the title critique was especially important because I love the word caramelized, and it sort of conveyed the intended meaning but it was a stretch and needed to be better. I think the poem is stronger now.

[Knot]

Hi Wjames,

Stanza one works very well (just needs a comma after
'iron'), though if you could cut back on the use of 'and',
I think it would improve the piece.

Not sure that the second is necessary: for me it doesn't
add much to the picture you've already painted. (If
you keep it though you might consider breaking L10
after 'watch'.)

Best, Knot.