forgotten song

[bogpan]

in the hot nights of Andalusia
the moon shines in the bull’s sweaty back
ay ay ay the colors

boys throw the shirts
river noise

everything is so wonderful
when the stars are big
and clear the paths of young blood
ah, gypsy
the fish floats on my wrist
in the fine rain of my eyes

my forgotten song – Andalusia

[Erthona]

I'm assuming that "Andalusia" refers to the town in southern Spain and not the one in Alabama?

Not sure how "the moon shines in the bull’s sweaty back"? "on" or "off of"... The moon shines in the window, which is basically shorthand "shines through". That doesn't seem to apply here.

Really though, just because it is poetry doesn't mean one should string together dependant clauses. Such technique tends to confuse more than enlighten. Deviating from the rules of standard prose needs a very good reason, otherwise it is obfuscating.

On the hot nights in Andalusia
the moon shines on the bull’s sweaty back,
"ay ay ay the colors".

So forth and so on.

No caps and no periods do not make a piece "more poetic.

Best,

dale

[bogpan]

I'm assuming that "Andalusia" refers to the town in southern Spain and not the one in Alabama?

Not sure how "the moon shines in the bull’s sweaty back"? "on" or "off of"...  The moon shines in the window, which is basically shorthand  "shines through". That doesn't seem to apply here.

Really though, just because it is poetry doesn't mean one should string together dependant clauses. Such technique tends to confuse more than enlighten. Deviating from the rules of standard prose needs a very good reason, otherwise it is obfuscating.  

On the hot nights in Andalusia
the moon shines on the bull’s sweaty back,
"ay ay ay the colors".

So forth and so on.

No caps and no periods do not make a piece "more poetic.

Best,

dale

"I'm assuming that "Andalusia" refers to the city in southern Spain and not the one in Alabama?"
Andalusia (/ ˌændəluːsiə, -ziə, -ʒə /; Spanish: Andalucía [andaluthi.a, -si.a]) is an autonomous community in southern Spain. Do I need to give this information to the reader who has no Internet? I do not know how you would react if I ask you "What is Alabama?"
"That does not seem to apply here." Yes, definitely. If I wanted to write exactly the way you suggest it, but definitely in this case, the correct one is "in". There is no thought of mere reflection on a smooth surface.
"Such technique tends to confuse "
This is a long dispute from the time of Apolliner  I do not want to participate in. In my view, this technique gives more freedom to the reader for personal interpretations. The use of "caps and no periodas" also does not make one piece poetically but obliges the reader to follow the author's thought. You, of course, are entitled to "Deviating from the rules of the standard prose needs a very good response". This reason, besides my general philosophy as an author, is also contained in the poem itself. This reason should not be conceived as an independent thought. Otherwise, the magic that any such poem should create is lost.
Thank you for your criticism, which is always interesting and with its  reasons.

[fluorescent.43]

in the hot nights of Andalusia
the moon shines in the bull’s sweaty back
ay ay ay the colors--ay seems juvenile in contrast to the opening lines, an awkward evocation of... what exactly

boys throw the shirts
river noise--interesting way to present this thought. i do think you could improve river noise however.

everything is so wonderful
when the stars are big--this "juvenility" is well-placed, i like its nuance.
and clear the paths of young blood--like the thought, but grammatically doesn't connect to the last line?
ah, gypsy
the fish floats on my wrist
in the fine rain of my eyes--hmm, i like these lines

my forgotten song – Andalusia--last line seems unnecessary, why not just cut it?

overall, a good mood setter... thanks for the read.

[Thunderembargo]

in the hot nights of Andalusia                      
the moon shines in the bull’s sweaty back
ay ay ay the colors                                         well sounded lines,

boys throw the shirts
river noise                                                   

everything is so wonderful
when the stars are big                                     simple description creates empty space for the mind
and clear the paths of young blood
ah, gypsy
the fish floats on my wrist                               this creates a panorama out of a mural
in the fine rain of my eyes

my forgotten song – Andalusia

I always love the ode" in poetry, the homage, the celebration of an ideal

[bogpan]

ay ay ay the colors--ay seems juvenile in contrast to the opening lines, an awkward evocation of... what exactly

boys throw the shirts
river noise--interesting way to present this thought. i do think you could improve river noise however.

everything is so wonderful
when the stars are big--this "juvenility" is well-placed, i like its nuance.
and clear the paths of young blood--like the thought, but grammatically doesn't connect to the last line?
ah, gypsy
the fish floats on my wrist
in the fine rain of my eyes--hmm, i like these lines

my forgotten song – Andalusia--last line seems unnecessary, why not just cut it?

overall, a good mood setter... thanks for the read.

ay seems juvenile in contrast to the opening lines, an awkward evocation of... what exactly
I do not know what to understand here? I can only give you an analogue.
"Now in Vienna there's ten pretty women There's a shoulder where Death comes to cry There's a lobby with nine hundred windows There's a tree where the doves go to die There's a piece that was torn from the morning And it hangs in the Gallery of Frost
Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay"
F.G. Lorka
for the other notes I should think about. Thank you for the feedback!

---

in the hot nights of Andalusia                      
the moon shines in the bull’s sweaty back
ay ay ay the colors                                         well sounded lines,

boys throw the shirts
river noise                                                   

everything is so wonderful
when the stars are big                                     simple description creates empty space for the mind
and clear the paths of young blood
ah, gypsy
the fish floats on my wrist                               this creates a panorama out of a mural
in the fine rain of my eyes

my forgotten song – Andalusia

I always love the ode" in poetry, the homage, the celebration of an ideal

"this creates a panorama out of a mural"

perfect observation! Thanks a lot for feedback!