Sober Phobia

[Wildcard]

Sober Phobia

I

They don't give you a chip
for being a fucking drunk
no matter how long
your streak lasts.

II

She needed a bracer.
Damn a day with three kids
that make way,
way too much noise.

The children have ascended
into chutes and water slides—
into heaven really, but she plops down
at a picnic table
in Hell.

III

All the negatives clump
together like clinging bits
on a magnet...
glaring at the hopeful others.

Jason takes pills for his back.
Jenna is bi-polar and pro-Xanax.

Someone toddles up
to ask for more sunscreen
...familiar little guy.

IV

The heat is worse
with a dry mouth
and when your head is busting
from the late night
and the bright day.

V

The engine and the road
threaten to drag her under.

Teeth marks
in her tongue
are for strength.

VI

Everyone accounted for—

Almost. Someone
is touching
someone. Barely pays attention
to whom she struck.

A cupboard; a glass;
a freezer; a bottle; and
a searing epiphany
that this is the only time
she feels alive.

Original

Sober Phobia

I

They don't give you a chip
for being a fucking drunk
no matter how long
your streak has lasted.

II

The common chaos of elves dancing
and bouncing off walls
required a bracer.
Damn the law
and a dry day with three kids
that make way,
way too much noise.

A false hope springs
from the quiet of the car ride,
but by mid-morning she curses its memory.

The children have ascended
into chutes and waterslides-
into heaven really, but she plops down
at a picnic table
in Hell.

III

All the negatives clump
together like clinging bits
on a magnet-
glaring at the hopeful others.

No one complains
of the heat
or the noise.

Jason takes pills for his back.
Jenna is bi-polar and pro-Xanax.

Someone toddles up to ask for more sunscreen
. . . familiar little guy.

IV

The heat is worse
with a dry mouth
and when your head is busting
from the late night
and the bright day.

V

The engine and the road
threaten to drag her under.
The chaos helps-
for once.

Teeth marks
in her tongue
are for strength.

VI

Everyone accounted for-

Almost.
Someone is touching someone.
Barely pays attention
to whom she struck.

A cupboard, a glass;
a freezer, a bottle-
a searing epiphany
that this is the only time
she feels alive.

[rowens]

The "it's" that might be a typo made me think "cursing it is a memory", which makes sense in its own way. But that's not enough to confuse the poem with anything bad. It's not bad at all. It tells a story that lets me both judge this woman and identify with her. It did its job well.

[Wildcard]

It was a typo. I've corrected it. Thanks

[popeye]

Well written Mark, life in the real, almost felt as if I was there! Cheers

[billy]

Sober Phobia

I

They don't give you a chip
for being a fucking drunk
no matter how long
your streak has lasted.

II

The common chaos of elves dancing
and bouncing off walls
required a bracer.
Damn the law
and a dry day with three kids
that make way, great enjambment
way too much noise.

A false hope springs
from the quiet of the car ride,
but by mid-morning she curses its memory.

The children have ascended
into chutes and waterslides-
into heaven really, but she plops down
at a picnic table
in Hell.

III

All the negatives clump
together like clinging bits
on a magnet-
glaring at the hopeful others.

No one complains
of the heat
or the noise.

Jason takes pills for his back.
Jenna is bi-polar and pro-Xanax.

Someone toddles up to ask for more sunscreen
. . . familiar little guy.

IV

The heat is worse
with a dry mouth
and when your head is busting
from the late night
and the bright day.

V

The engine and the road
threaten to drag her under.
The chaos helps-
for once.

Teeth marks
in her tongue
are for strength.

VI

Everyone accounted for-

Almost.
Someone is touching someone.
Barely pays attention
to whom she struck.

A cupboard, a glass;
a freezer, a bottle-
a searing epiphany
that this is the only time
she feels alive.

what an enjoyable read. some good solid vignettes i have no constructive feedback apart from suggesting some italics in places to make a few things pop a bit better. you have originality of thoughts and image and it reads really well. i like that it seems a normal occurrence for her. she plops down at.... it's like how unnatural is it to be sitting in hell.

i'm impressed mark.

great read, thanks.

ps, i think it's worthy of being published

[Todd]

Hi Mark,

You have some really nice parts in this--some insightful observations. I'm not sure I'm sold on every line, but that could just be a style difference. Here are some comments for you:

Sober Phobia

I

They don't give you a chip
for being a fucking drunk
no matter how long
your streak has lasted.--I keep wanting to shift tense here to make it more immediate "has lasted" to "lasts"

II

The common chaos of elves dancing
and bouncing off walls--cliche phrasing, maybe dancing on the walls
required a bracer.
Damn the law
and a dry day with three kids--first use of dry. It works better later with the mouth. You may want to consider a substitute.
that make way,
way too much noise.

A false hope springs
from the quiet of the car ride,--These two lines are excellent. You may want to continue building tension without using the next line to immediately release it--just a thought
but by mid-morning she curses its memory.

The children have ascended
into chutes and waterslides-
into heaven really, but she plops down--you don't need the really. Maybe cut it and replace but with an as.
at a picnic table
in Hell.

III

All the negatives clump
together like clinging bits
on a magnet---these three lines are really good. When I was talking about building the tension toward the release...you could for example, go false hope (2 lines then strophe break, then these three lines, strophe break, then the children had ascended lines)...again just a thought
glaring at the hopeful others.

No one complains
of the heat
or the noise.--this strophe seems largely throw away imo. You deal with heat later and there's a sense of tying it to a character. This feels like more filler.

Jason takes pills for his back.
Jenna is bi-polar and pro-Xanax.--Great lines

Someone toddles up to ask for more sunscreen
. . . familiar little guy.--this part is good too

IV

The heat is worse
with a dry mouth
and when your head is busting
from the late night
and the bright day.--I like all of this especially the first two lines.

V

The engine and the road
threaten to drag her under.--I like this image. I again wonder if the next two lines are necessary--sort of abstract
The chaos helps-
for once.

Teeth marks
in her tongue
are for strength.--Strongest part of the poem. There's a truth in these lines

VI

Everyone accounted for-

Almost.
Someone is touching someone.
Barely pays attention
to whom she struck.

A cupboard, a glass;
a freezer, a bottle-
a searing epiphany
that this is the only time
she feels alive.--the ending from everyone down is very good. I'd be tempted to pull the first someone up to the almost line to layer the meaning around that break

It's a good poem Mark. My suggestions may simply be style differences on my part, but maybe not. Weigh them and see what you think. I hope some of the comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

[tectak]

Sober Phobia
First of all, mark, this is a welcome departure from the stuff you usually post and it starts out rather well......and on a first read continues in that vein.
I

They don't give you a chipThe start is with a bang. The reader staggers, realised he has not been shot and reads on. It is a metaphorical roulette. OK. No problems with this. Just a pity that you used "streak" in the last line because I cannot get the image of "streak and chips" out of my mind.
for being a fucking drunk
no matter how long
your streak has lasted.

II

The common chaos of elves dancing
and bouncing off walls
required a bracer.You are thinking a little ahead of me....and perhaps you. Is there a hint of rhetorical query inherent in the line "the common chaos..". I don't know about this. Is it that common?
Damn the law
and a dry day with three kids
that make way,
way too much noise.This is a great expressive sentiment which you pre-empt with "Damn the Law"....though you have not yet broken it. Perhaps begin with "A dry day with three kids....rest of stanza....Damn the Law". The intent is now a little more portentous. No big deal

A false hope springsan unnecessary cliche in this big open field. You could do betterthan this.
from the quiet of the car ride,
but by mid-morning she curses its memory.especially as whatever the false hope was, it was real enough to be cursed!

The children have ascended
into chutes and waterslides-
into heaven really, but she plops down
at a picnic table
in Hell.Good all the way. Plops is excellent

III

All the negatives clump
together like clinging bits
on a magnet-
glaring at the hopeful others.I am a scientist first and know enough to avoid metaphors which leave you open to criticism of your scientific knowledge rather than your poetry. Negatives(and positives, and north poles, and south poles ALL repel if the SAME) Who cares...who really cares? But I am less sure of the "clinging bits glaring" line. Needs a rehash

No one complains
of the heat
or the noise.

Jason takes pills for his back.
Jenna is bi-polar and pro-Xanax.

Someone toddles up to ask for more sunscreen
. . . familiar little guy.Yes, well, I guess this is OK in a daddy/sonny way but it breaks from the ambience somewhat. Up to you, but like WC.Fields I don't like kids....but I'm not a bad person.

IV

The heat is worseIt's a funny thing but what happens next happens often. It is now nearing the end of the piece and in a strangely ethereal way I can tell. The end is nigh, comes to mind. Go easy on these last lines and try to rewrite them in the same easy, laid-back way that you began. I feel as if someone has lit the blue touch paper and I for one am ready to retire to a safe distance.
with a dry mouth
and when your head is busting
from the late night
and the bright day.

V

The engine and the road
threaten to drag her under.
The chaos helps-
for once.

Teeth marks
in her tongue
are for strength.

VI

Everyone accounted for-

Almost.
Someone is touching someone.
Barely pays attention
to whom she struck.

A cupboard, a glass;
a freezer, a bottle-The dash or hyphen is not required.
a searing epiphany
that this is the only time
she feels alive.

...and in spite of everything, this is one of the best pieces I have seen of yours.

Best,
tectak

[Wildcard]

Well written Mark, life in the real, almost felt as if I was there! Cheers

Thanks

[...]some italics in places to make a few things pop a bit better.[...]

I will think about that more. I kind of like the idea of those sections being formatted differently.

Thanks for the kind words and feedback boss

Hi Mark,

Sober Phobia
[...]
A false hope springs
from the quiet of the car ride,--These two lines are excellent. You may want to continue building tension without using the next line to immediately release it--just a thought
but by mid-morning she curses its memory.

[...]
III

All the negatives clump
together like clinging bits
on a magnet---these three lines are really good. When I was talking about building the tension toward the release...you could for example, go false hope (2 lines then strophe break, then these three lines, strophe break, then the children had ascended lines)...again just a thought
glaring at the hopeful others.

[...]

A cupboard, a glass;
a freezer, a bottle-
a searing epiphany
that this is the only time
she feels alive.--the ending from everyone down is very good. I'd be tempted to pull the first someone up to the almost line to layer the meaning around that break

I hope some of the comments will be helpful to you.

Your comments are always thoughtful. I sometimes think while reading your critique that it would probably save you some time if you just wrote the poem for me

I liked a lot of your suggestions and I am gonna take my time to rewrite this and I'll go back through the feedback at that point.

Thanks so much for your time and feedback

When I saw this was the first thing in the post, my insecurity had convinced me that it was in reference to my posting in the serious forum . . . but I know you wouldn't be . . . that . . . cruel.

Sober Phobia
[...]
II

The common chaos of elves dancing
and bouncing off walls
required a bracer.You are thinking a little ahead of me....and perhaps you. Is there a hint of rhetorical query inherent in the line "the common chaos..". I don't know about this. Is it that common?

I'm not trying to coin the next catchphrase here, I just mean the everyday madness that the life of a single mother can be: common chaos.

I have no children. I like children. Other people's children. That go home

Damn the law
and a dry day with three kids
that make way,
way too much noise.This is a great expressive sentiment which you pre-empt with "Damn the Law"....though you have not yet broken it. Perhaps begin with "A dry day with three kids....rest of stanza....Damn the Law". The intent is now a little more portentous. No big deal

I see what you mean. I will definitely spin it around and give it a look.

A false hope springsan unnecessary cliche in this big open field. You could do betterthan this.
from the quiet of the car ride,
but by mid-morning she curses its memory.especially as whatever the false hope was, it was real enough to be cursed!

Again, good call.

[...]
IV

The heat is worseIt's a funny thing but what happens next happens often. It is now nearing the end of the piece and in a strangely ethereal way I can tell. The end is nigh, comes to mind. Go easy on these last lines and try to rewrite them in the same easy, laid-back way that you began. I feel as if someone has lit the blue touch paper and I for one am ready to retire to a safe distance.
with a dry mouth
and when your head is busting
from the late night
and the bright day.

In spite of your brutal way of getting me to see how bad I suck, there are a lot of great ideas in that crit. However, I disagree here. I want tone to change in reflection of the subject's increasingly agitated mood- and then calm down a bit when she gets the booze

Thanks for the help. I will get around to editing eventually.

---

It means a lot that you guys take the time to look at my stuff.

Also, tectak is brutal

[tectak]

Well written Mark, life in the real, almost felt as if I was there! Cheers

Thanks

[...]some italics in places to make a few things pop a bit better.[...]

I will think about that more. I kind of like the idea of those sections being formatted differently.

Thanks for the kind words and feedback boss

Hi Mark,

Sober Phobia
[...]
A false hope springs
from the quiet of the car ride,--These two lines are excellent. You may want to continue building tension without using the next line to immediately release it--just a thought
but by mid-morning she curses its memory.

[...]
III

All the negatives clump
together like clinging bits
on a magnet---these three lines are really good. When I was talking about building the tension toward the release...you could for example, go false hope (2 lines then strophe break, then these three lines, strophe break, then the children had ascended lines)...again just a thought
glaring at the hopeful others.

[...]

A cupboard, a glass;
a freezer, a bottle-
a searing epiphany
that this is the only time
she feels alive.--the ending from everyone down is very good. I'd be tempted to pull the first someone up to the almost line to layer the meaning around that break

I hope some of the comments will be helpful to you.

Your comments are always thoughtful. I sometimes think while reading your critique that it would probably save you some time if you just wrote the poem for me

I liked a lot of your suggestions and I am gonna take my time to rewrite this and I'll go back through the feedback at that point.

Thanks so much for your time and feedback

When I saw this was the first thing in the post, my insecurity had convinced me that it was in reference to my posting in the serious forum . . . but I know you wouldn't be . . . that . . . cruel.

Sober Phobia
[...]
II

The common chaos of elves dancing
and bouncing off walls
required a bracer.You are thinking a little ahead of me....and perhaps you. Is there a hint of rhetorical query inherent in the line "the common chaos..". I don't know about this. Is it that common?

I'm not trying to coin the next catchphrase here, I just mean the everyday madness that the life of a single mother can be: common chaos.

I have no children. I like children. Other people's children. That go home

Damn the law
and a dry day with three kids
that make way,
way too much noise.This is a great expressive sentiment which you pre-empt with "Damn the Law"....though you have not yet broken it. Perhaps begin with "A dry day with three kids....rest of stanza....Damn the Law". The intent is now a little more portentous. No big deal

I see what you mean. I will definitely spin it around and give it a look.

A false hope springsan unnecessary cliche in this big open field. You could do betterthan this.
from the quiet of the car ride,
but by mid-morning she curses its memory.especially as whatever the false hope was, it was real enough to be cursed!

Again, good call.

[...]
IV

The heat is worseIt's a funny thing but what happens next happens often. It is now nearing the end of the piece and in a strangely ethereal way I can tell. The end is nigh, comes to mind. Go easy on these last lines and try to rewrite them in the same easy, laid-back way that you began. I feel as if someone has lit the blue touch paper and I for one am ready to retire to a safe distance.
with a dry mouth
and when your head is busting
from the late night
and the bright day.

In spite of your brutal way of getting me to see how bad I suck, there are a lot of great ideas in that crit. However, I disagree here. I want tone to change in reflection of the subject's increasingly agitated mood- and then calm down a bit when she gets the booze

Thanks for the help. I will get around to editing eventually.

---

It means a lot that you guys take the time to look at my stuff.

Also, tectak is brutal

......but it doesn 't make me a bad person.......serious crit is brutal

[Wildcard]

I've done an edit after five years of deliberation.

I weighed a lot of the suggestions and found more than anything that I had wasted a lot of words to get at the crux of the matter. I trimmed it down a bit; fixed some punctuation; and adjusted some line breaks near the end.

Thanks to everyone who helped me with this back in the day.

Edit

Sober Phobia

I

They don't give you a chip
for being a fucking drunk
no matter how long
your streak lasts.

II

She needed a bracer.
Damn a day with three kids
that make way,
way too much noise.

The children have ascended
into chutes and water slides—
into heaven really, but she plops down
at a picnic table
in Hell.

III

All the negatives clump
together like clinging bits
on a magnet...
glaring at the hopeful others.

Jason takes pills for his back.
Jenna is bi-polar and pro-Xanax.

Someone toddles up
to ask for more sunscreen
...familiar little guy.

IV

The heat is worse
with a dry mouth
and when your head is busting
from the late night
and the bright day.

V

The engine and the road
threaten to drag her under.

Teeth marks
in her tongue
are for strength.

VI

Everyone accounted for—

Almost. Someone
is touching
someone. Barely pays attention
to whom she struck.

A cupboard; a glass;
a freezer; a bottle; and
a searing epiphany
that this is the only time
she feels alive.

[Knot]

Hi Wildcard.

Sober Phobia
The title's a bit glib, I think
(on re-reading).

I
They don't give you a chip
for being a fucking drunk
no matter how long
your streak lasts.
Like this, but it could go almost anywhere in the piece,
(preferably at the end).  I don't think it makes the best start.
This, from the original, might;
A false hope springs
from the quiet of the car ride,
but by mid-morning she curses its memory.
(though it needs a better third line
and perhaps 'dawn' for 'hope' ?)

II
I think you could break this more effectively as;
She needed a bracer. Damn[,]
a day with three kids
that make way,
way too much noise.
('needs' for 'needed')

The children have ascended
into chutes and water slides—
not sure about 'into' (particularly as it's repeated)
into heaven really,
I think you could cut 'really'
but she plops down
'plops' doesn't work that well
(after 'ascended'). It's neither heavy
nor weary enough.
at a picnic table
in Hell.
nice end

III
All the negatives clump
feels like there should be a modifier
to 'negatives' ('screaming', 'fucking' or similar ?)
together like clinging bits
'clinging bits' after 'clump' is rather weak,
why not just 'iron filings'?
on a magnet...
glaring at the hopeful others.
this lines lacks a bit of focus, I think.

Jason takes pills for his back.
Jenna is bi-polar and pro-Xanax.
needs a bit more here, I think.
Either more people, or an explanation.

Someone toddles up
to ask for more sunscreen
...familiar little guy.
nice.

IV
The heat is worse
with a dry mouth
and when your head is busting
just a suggestion:
The heat is worse

with a dry mouth, worse,
her head is bursting
from the late night
and the bright day.
needs just a bit more than
bright, I think.

V
The engine and the road
threaten to drag her under.

Teeth marks
in her tongue
are for strength.
seems like there's a line missing.

VI
Everyone accounted for—

Almost. Someone
is touching
'touching' doesn't do enough,
given what follows.
someone. Barely pays attention
Either 'she barely pays...'
or 'she's barely paying...'
to whom she struck.

I think V should be moved to here.

[VII]
A cupboard; a glass;
a freezer; a bottle; and
cut 'and'
a searing epiphany
do you need 'searing'
(if not, keep 'and')
that this is the only time
cut 'that'
she feels alive.
(I'd be tempted to cut 'alive'
and have an ellipsis instead.)


I'd end with I


Enjoyed the read.


Best, Knot.

[Wildcard]

Thanks for your perspective. I will think on them in the future.