Immigration

[Mark A Becker]

Immigration  

A new sun rises in glory
on the fringes
of the eastern horizon.
A wary band of fishermen
look up from their nets
staring in awe  
at the odd shapes
of tall wooden crosses
laced with ropes, rising  
from majestic ships
that look down on the shore.

The salty morning mist
parts, as two smaller boats
close in from the breakers
bearing men in shining headdress
unfurling bright banners
revealing
the coming kingdom of God.



Immigration  

Dawn reveals faint shapes
at the fringes
of the eastern horizon.
Perplexed fishermen gesture
from wind-worn dunes
toward the wooden crosses
laced with rope, raised  
upon strange boats
that hover off the coast.

A new God has come
to claim discovery
of a New World…

[Richard]

Hey Mark,
I like what you did here. I especially like the title. I originally thought this was going to be a completely different poem, and then I read it and was pleasantly surprised by the content. I'll go into more detail below:

Immigration  

Dawn reveals faint shapes -I wonder if you could use a more descriptive word that "shapes"? Maybe something that alludes to the ships. Perhaps even changing the word "shapes" to "ships" in a sort of word play. 
at the fringes -I like your choice of enjambment here. The idea of being at the "fringes" was usually used to describe those affected by colonialism, so I like how you switch it around here. 
of the eastern horizon.
Perplexed fishermen gesture -How would they gesture? I feel like you could go into more detail here.
from wind-worn dunes -I'm stuck on why the dunes need to be described as "wind-worn". This might be a chance to describe the fisherman more. Since the poem deals with the idea of religion immigrating, you should consider expanding on how the fishermen might appear to those on the boats, or may be even incorporate some element of Aboriginal traditional beliefs.
toward the wooden crosses -I love this line. It accurately describes the ships, but also has a religious undertone that is crucial to this piece.
laced with rope, raised -I like ending this line on "raised" because it can have a religious connotation.  
upon strange boats
that hover off the coast. -Considering the religious theme in this poem, I would suggest thinking of a more religious word than "hover". I can't think of anything good off the top of my head. I would even suggest thinking up a way to end this stanza on the wooden crosses because it's such a potent image. 

A new God has come -I get why you say "new". However, He wasn't really new, but more unknown. What if you play around with the idea of the discovery of God? May be say something like: "God discovered/ in the New World." Like the "fringes" above, this would switch around the usual dynamic of colonialism.
to claim discovery
of a New World…

I feel like I'm being too harsh here because I do like this piece. I look forward to seeing where you take it from here.

Cheers,
Richard

[Knot]

Hi Mark.
Nice vignette, clever title.
The idea is sound but, overall,
it's a bit flat. As Richard
has noted, it is lacking in those
(little) details, mainly visual,
that would elevate it.


Immigration

Dawn reveals faint shapes
I think there should be so much more
to this opening - a fuller description
of the 'dawn' and something more
concrete than 'shapes'.
Even changing 'reveals' for something
like 'sketches' would help.
at the fringes
of the eastern horizon.
Perplexed fishermen gesture
All show, no tell.
from wind-worn dunes
I've no problems with this line
(I took it to suggest they'd been
there a long time)
toward the wooden crosses
laced with rope, raised
nice couplet
upon strange boats
'strange boats' is pretty bad.
(could try 'craft' ?)
that hover off the coast.
'hover' is not good, perhaps
a verb that refers back to
the opening lines?

A new God has come
Not bothered by 'new' here
(except that you repeat it in the last line),
though I'd be inclined to substitute 'foreign'
(or even 'immigrant').
to claim discovery
'claim discovery' is rather weak.
(the 'discovery', rather than the 'claim')
and doesn't really refer to the title
as (I think) this line should.
of a New World…
(Perhaps it should be 'this New World'?)


Best, Knot.

[Lizzie]

Hello, Mark. A couple of thoughts. I like how the title appropriately frames it for the reader, as to how it should be interpreted and the "takeaway" at the end metabolized. It's a relevant topic to today's moral dilemmas, and that makes me want to read.

More detail to follow:

Immigration  

Dawn reveals faint shapes
at the fringes
of the eastern horizon.
Perplexed fishermen gesture
from wind-worn dunes
toward the wooden crosses -- like the possible Biblical reference here with crosses and rope -- bit of foreboding about the sorry fate of the natives.
laced with rope, raised  
upon strange boats
that hover off the coast. -- I think you've set the scene well, I can picture it. I think you're missing opportunities to choose descriptors that tie in with the divinity theme, the idea of God arriving. I'd consider going through your word choices and see if you can't do more of what you did above with the crosses and rope -- the description should provide nuance and layers of meaning. As is, it's pretty straightforward; that makes it a one-time read.

A new God has come
to claim discovery
of a New World…

It's an important topic, though it's been done. What elevates this above others? What's the insight, the angle no one else is talking about?

In the end, I agree with the previous critics that it needs more meat on the bones. It's a worthy start, and I look forward to seeing where you go with it.

Best,

Lizzie