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They are silver plated brushes,
dragged through knots and impolite.
Dipped clean in each cold morning,
smoothed out folds, of a fragile night.
Worn away with sea-shells,
thumb crushed and paper thin.
Open wide for liquid meals
and all the white God brings.
Gaming from their comfy chairs,
controlled by a picked at thread,
solving fragments of a final play,
quiet rooms, toss empty beds.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Posts: 2,357
Threads: 230
Joined: Oct 2010
Love the title of this one, Keith.
(05-15-2018, 04:56 AM)Keith Wrote: They are silver plated brushes,
dragged through knots and impolite.--These first two lines do a lot to establish age and the care being given.
Dipped clean in each cold morning, --you could cut "in"
smoothed out folds, of a fragile night.--What works for me is how you set the image and talk around it. The distance you maintain works for me.
Worn away with sea-shells,
thumb crushed and paper thin.--love thumb crushed. Not a fan of paper thin--possibly cliche definitely obvious. What if you change it with that old paper my grandfather used to use in his typewriter to make duplicates (thumb crushed and onionskin) just a thought
Open wide for liquid meals--This sounds cheerful but isn't. It's sort of a big brother nursing home or dystopian brave new world.
and all the white God brings.
Gaming from their comfy chairs,--Now a nod back to the title
controlled by a picked at thread,
solving fragments of a final play,
quiet rooms, toss empty beds.
A lot to like.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
Thank you Todd,I'll take the onion skin, not something I've come across before but it fits really well. Meter needs a bit of tidying so I'll look at that too for the edit. Best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
