First Edit: My Apologies

[Richard]

First Edit:

My Apologies

I'm sorry, but I was distracted by poetry.
My first kiss tasted red as overripe strawberries.
When you were born, I fixated
on the rose petals
that fell from your mother.
My fifth drink that night a flag,
each sip rising it towards half mast.
Next to my father's bed, I waited
to catch death with dirty hands,
tiptoeing out the back door,
but I was distracted by poetry.
I'm sorry.

Original:

My Apologies

I'm sorry, but I was distracted by poetry.
Our first kiss tasted red,
lips soft as overripe strawberries.
When you were born, I fixated
on the rose petals and other broken flora
that fell from your mother.
My friend's fifth drink that night a flag,
each sip rising it to half mast.
Next to my father's bed, I waited
to catch death with dirty hands,
tiptoeing out the back door.
I'm sorry, but I was distracted by poetry.

[Knot]

Hi Richard.

My Apologies
nice title.

I'm sorry, but I was distracted by poetry.
I think L2 should flow directly out of L1
(no period after 'poetry')
or L2 should begin 'So our...'
Our first kiss tasted red,
lips soft as overripe strawberries.
The 'our first kiss' seems to refer
to the same person as 'you were born'
- is this intentional?
When you were born, I fixated
on the rose petals and other broken flora
that fell from your mother.
My friend's fifth drink that night a flag,
should 'flag' be 'Flag'?.
It's a bit of a awkward sentence,
and you follow 'friend's' with 'father's'
just a suggestion;
For his fifth drink, my friend drank a flag
each sip rising it to half mast.
Overall, I don't think the 'friend' section
adds much, you might consider cutting it.
Next to my father's bed, I waited
to catch death with dirty hands,
tiptoeing out the back door.
very nice.
I'm sorry, but I was distracted by poetry.
perhaps switch this around,
but I was distracted, by poetry. I'm sorry. ?
(I'm doing it again)


Enjoyed the read.

Best, Knot.

[Richard]

Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. I especially like your suggestion about the last line. Will give everything you said some thought.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey Knot,
Made some changes. Feel free to let me know if you think it's going in the right direction.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

[Knot]

Hi Richard,
yes, I think you're going in the right direction,
but perhaps not far enough
I think you might consider breaking the piece
up into four verses of equal length. As it stands
the 'father's bed' section is both the strongest and
the longest and I think this unbalances the piece.
Adding more detail, especially to 'first kiss' would
resolve the ambiguity that this is the first kiss with
N's child.
Couple or three specific suggestions;
change 'fixated' for 'entranced' or something a bit
more poetic.
add 'Irish' to 'flag' (assuming it was an Irish flag N's
drinking) - offers an implicit 'green' in contrast to 'red'
Maybe 'slipping' for 'tiptoing' (though that's purely
a sonics choice).


Best, Knot.

[Todd]

Hi Richard,

A few comments on your edit.

I wouldn't lead with the conceit in line 1. I suggest a rearrangement like this:

My first kiss tasted red
as overripe strawberries. I'm sorry,
but I was distracted by poetry.

First Edit:

My Apologies

I'm sorry, but I was distracted by poetry.
My first kiss tasted red as overripe strawberries.
When you were born, I fixated--I'd maybe do a strophe break before this line to because this new memory is sort of like a scene change in fiction. Again slight change. I'd pull out when you were born and move that to the end. (The kiss tasted red and then here I fixated on the rose petals) Make the image pop first and then add the "when you were born" after mother belos.
on the rose petals
that fell from your mother.--possible other strophe break
My fifth drink that night a flag,
each sip rising it towards half mast.
Next to my father's bed, I waited--possible strophe break
to catch death with dirty hands,
tiptoeing out the back door,
but I was distracted by poetry.--optional strophe break
I'm sorry.

Those are my main comments at this point. Hope they help.

Best,

Todd

[Richard]

Hey Knot and Todd,
Thanks for the feedback. You both gave me some wonderful food for thought here.

Thanks again,
Richard