Edit 1: Abel

[alonso ramoran]

Abel

We once shared a bed  
you bloodied. There was no A/C 
to keep you from scratching at your skin,  
a blanket that you tried peeling free of,  
while your lungs constricted whimpers
into wheezing sleeplessness.   
  
Let's trade blankets, little brother,  
and go back to dreaming. 

Original: Abel

We once shared beds 
you had bloodied. There was no A/C 
to keep you from scratching at your skin, 
a blanket that you tried peeling free of, 
as your lungs suppressed annoyance  
into wheezing sleeplessness.  
 
Let's trade blankets, little brother, 
and go back to dreaming. 

Thanks to Todd for the NaPM prompt #4

[just mercedes]

Good strong images, and the title does a lot of work to set context. Final tweaking suggestions below. Good poem. I read a hint of poisoned blankets at the end, which adds another level.

Abel

We once shared beds 
you had bloodied. There was no A/C 
to keep you from scratching at your skin, 
a blanket that you tried peeling free of, 
as your lungs suppressed annoyance  
into wheezing sleeplessness.  
 
Let's trade blankets, little brother, 
and go back to dreaming. 




Thanks to Todd for the NaPM prompt #4

[alonso ramoran]

Hi just mercedes, couple responses

Good strong images, and the title does a lot of work to set context. Final tweaking suggestions below. Good poem. I read a hint of poisoned blankets at the end, which adds another level.

Abel

We once shared beds 
you had bloodied. There was no A/C I quickly tweaked that, thanks for the catch
to keep you from scratching at your skin, 
a blanket that you tried peeling free of, no "of" sounds a little weird to my ears
as your lungs suppressed annoyance  What would it suppress here then? Are you saying I should say his lungs themselves are suppressed into sleeplessness?
into wheezing sleeplessness.  
 
Let's trade blankets, little brother, 
and go back to dreaming. 




Thanks to Todd for the NaPM prompt #4

I feared the biblical connotations the title would have, but it is only my brother's name.

Best, Alex

[just mercedes]

Hi Alex - your choice! I don't like 'annoyance' because it's an abstract concept and doesn't fit easily for me amongst the more concrete images. I accept 'dreaming' though. Just my personal opinion.

[Knot]

Hi Alex,
a little going a long way, nicely done.

Edit 1: Abel


We once shared a bed
you bloodied. There was no A/C
do you need 'a/c' ?
Perhaps,
Nothing would keep you...
to keep you from scratching at your skin,
This feels like a unfinished thought (manner of scratching)
or possibly it could be;
We once shared a bed
you bloodied, scratching
at your skin like...
a blanket that you tried peeling free of,
ending with a preposition doesn't work that well,
why not
a blanket from which you would peel yourself ?
while your lungs constricted whimpers
don't think 'whimpers' offers much,
maybe just cut it.
into wheezing sleeplessness.

Let's trade blankets, little brother,
not keen on the repetition of 'blankets'
why not simply 'places' ?
and go back to dreaming.
slightly problematic, 'deaming' after
'sleeplessness'.


Best, Knot


.

[Richard]

Hey Alex,
I like the imagery here. I'm hardly a Bible expert, so I don't have a super in depth knowledge of Abel. I'll go into more detail below:

Abel

We once shared a bed  -I like how this is a strong image for something brothers would share as children, and then it gets very dark in the next line. My only concern is that I have no idea how Cain or Abel bloodied a bed. I even googled it and found no answers.
you bloodied. There was no A/C
to keep you from scratching at your skin, -I like this image. I just find it a bit too modern given the title. May be remove the A/C reference and say something like: "There was nothing/ to keep you from scratching at your skin". Just a thought. 
a blanket that you tried peeling free of,   -I like how this has connotations to some sort of rebirth.
while your lungs constricted whimpers
into wheezing sleeplessness. -This brought to mind of murder by strangling. I wonder if you could play around with this type of murder being like putting someone to sleep. Not a necessary change, but just something to think about.
  
Let's trade blankets, little brother, -Maybe instead of the repetition of "blanket", change the line to: "Let's trade places, little brother". This would make for a much darker line though...
and go back to dreaming. -If you made the change I suggested above, then this line might allude to this becoming a murder/suicide. Again, this might be too dark.

Original: Abel

We once shared beds 
you had bloodied. There was no A/C 
to keep you from scratching at your skin, 
a blanket that you tried peeling free of, 
as your lungs suppressed annoyance  
into wheezing sleeplessness.  
 
Let's trade blankets, little brother, 
and go back to dreaming. 

Thanks to Todd for the NaPM prompt #4

I feel like I might be being too negative here. I actually do like this poem, and I look forward to seeing where you take it from here.

Cheers,
Richard