FEAR

[HersheyKiss]

The sounds of footsteps echo in the night
Clanking faster and faster against the marble floor
A heart beat thumps out of control
Eyes scanning for an open door

A shivered cold breath mixes in the air around it
Unseen through the musky blackness of the night
A breeze enters through the holes in the wall
laying goosebumps on all in its sight

"come out come out where ever you are"
A voice so stern and steal shouts
A dark shadow looms over the room
Blocking the only way out

She plays through her head what she can do
Of the two choices that lay ahead
She can cower in fear as her end draws near
Just waiting for herself to be dead

or maybe, just maybe, if she can push through this
She just might come out on top
If she trys hard enough she can get out okay
Just as long as she never stops

The only problem is facing this fear
Tho its the only solution with hope
But yet its so hard to take that first step
Down such a slippery slop

Thunder claps in the sky above
pulling her from her thoughts
Bringing her back to reality as lightning hits a tree
causing her eyes to see dots

The light conceals the dark around it
Directing shadows across the room
That once perfect hiding spot now plain as day
as the shadows dance in the gloom

Heat spreads as fast as fire
Making the heart beat faster still
Sweat beads drip off two faces
As one darts for the kill

A weapon of glass found on the floor
Shown by the light of the fire
And a victim with no chance of survival
Slashed as if nothing but a tire

A pool of blood drips to the floor
The body falls in a crumble
And the killer watches with crusted dark eyes
Not a sound, not a word, not a mumble

She didn't pick this path it was picked for her
It was a choice she had rather not made
But if not for that fire raging on behind her
Maybe her life would not have been saved

[Todd]

Hi HersheyKiss,

Welcome to the site!

Here are some comments:

The sounds of footsteps echo in the night--probably sound not sounds
Clanking faster and faster against the marble floor--clanking feels like the wrong word like she's being pursued by a robot. Faster and faster feels a bit wordy and could likely be cut
A heart beat thumps out of control--heartbeat is one word.
Eyes scanning for an open door--You deal with sounds in this strophe. This line feels out of place.

A shivered cold breath mixes in the air around it--cold feels unnessary. shivered breath would be better. Throughout the poem look for cuts like this that would enhance your words.
Unseen through the musky blackness of the night 
A breeze enters through the holes in the wall
laying goosebumps on all in its sight--This personification pulls us out of the moment and doesn't work that well.

"come out come out where ever you are"
A voice so stern and steal shouts--the phrasing is off here so stern and steal
A dark shadow looms over the room
Blocking the only way out--This line eliminates the need for the earlier scanning for an open door line.

She plays through her head what she can do
Of the two choices that lay ahead
She can cower in fear as her end draws near
Just waiting for herself to be dead--This strophe is too introspective. It pulls us out of the moment. It shifts the point of view like a story might (third-person omniscient) and should probably be cut.

or maybe, just maybe, if she can push through this--This line is a transitional prose line and doesn't work in a poem. 
She just might come out on top
If she trys hard enough she can get out okay --typo: tries
Just as long as she never stops--Again the poem would be stronger by cutting this entire strophe.

The only problem is facing this fear
Tho its the only solution with hope--Though not Tho 
But yet its so hard to take that first step
Down such a slippery slop --you mean slipperly slope that is cliche. Also, this stophe is lacking like the last too. I recommend cutting it also.

Thunder claps in the sky above 
pulling her from her thoughts
Bringing her back to reality as lightning hits a tree--I don't think you need "to reality" 
causing her eyes to see dots

The light conceals the dark around it--This is an interesting good line. It's so interesting I'd probably consider it for a new opening line. 
Directing shadows across the room
That once perfect hiding spot now plain as day--plain as day is painfully cliche and should be cut. 
as the shadows dance in the gloom

Heat spreads as fast as fire--Not an interesting observation--rework this perhaps.
Making the heart beat faster still--in this case heat beat can be two words 
Sweat beads drip off two faces--conserve your words perhaps cut drip and see what that does for the line.
As one darts for the kill

A weapon of glass found on the floor
Shown by the light of the fire
And a victim with no chance of survival
Slashed as if nothing but a tire

A pool of blood drips to the floor
The body falls in a crumble
And the killer watches with crusted dark eyes
Not a sound, not a word, not a mumble

She didn't pick this path it was picked for her
It was a choice she had rather not made
But if not for that fire raging on behind her
Maybe her life would not have been saved

I'll stop there. I'm probably pushing how much feedback I should give in basic. I hope the comments help.

Best,

Todd

[Knot]

Hi Hershey,
like the setup and you've some good lines,
but for me it is lacking in focus (for instance,
it is not until S4 that 'she' is revealed), and
I think you could do with a better title.

The sounds of footsteps echo in the night
You've got 'echo', so you don't really need 'sounds'
Night doesn't tell me where this is, and 'marble
floor' isn't enough by itself.
Clanking faster and faster against the marble floor
A heart beat thumps out of control
I wonder if you might echo 'faster and faster' with
A heart beating, beating out of control ?
Eyes scanning for an open door

A shivered cold breath mixes in the air around it
If 'shivered', then 'cold' is not needed, nor, I suspect, is 'it'.
Unseen through the musky blackness of the night
A breeze enters through the holes in the wall
I think this line should follow on from 'shivered cold'
laying goosebumps on all in its sight

"come out come out where ever you are"
I'd strongly suggest starting with this line/stanza.
It has the greatest immediacy.
A voice so stern and steal shouts
but you could really improve on the description
of the voice.
A dark shadow looms over the room
All shadows are dark, are the not?
Blocking the only way out
And how does a shadow 'block'

She plays through her head what she can do
'head' here rather interferes with your rhyme scheme.
Of the two choices that lay ahead
She can cower in fear as her end draws near
Just waiting for herself to be dead

or maybe, just maybe, if she can push through this
She just might come out on top
If she trys hard enough she can get out okay
Just as long as she never stops

The only problem is facing this fear
Tho its the only solution with hope
But yet its so hard to take that first step
Down such a slippery slop
These three verses rather undercut the tension you're
trying to build. I'd suggest deleting them.

Thunder claps in the sky above
pulling her from her thoughts
Bringing her back to reality as lightning hits a tree
causing her eyes to see dots
How can she see outside?
(I assumed the 'marble floor was inside)

The light conceals the dark around it
nice line
Directing shadows across the room
That once perfect hiding spot now plain as day
as the shadows dance in the gloom
too many 'shadows'

Heat spreads as fast as fire
Making the heart beat faster still
Sweat beads drip off two faces
As one darts for the kill
It's a bit of a repeat of S1

A weapon of glass found on the floor
Shown by the light of the fire
And a victim with no chance of survival
Slashed as if nothing but a tire

A pool of blood drips to the floor
(a 'pool' can't drip)
The body falls in a crumble
And the killer watches with crusted dark eyes
Not a sound, not a word, not a mumble
I think that perhaps you could combine these
two verses. It needs to be shorter, punchier
to reflect the action.
A weapon of glass, on the floor
fire lit, grabbed in a rush
a victim slashing, blood
drips,body falls, before the killer's
dark eyes

She didn't pick this path it was picked for her
It was a choice she had rather not made
But if not for that fire raging on behind her
Maybe her life would not have been saved
Ok, if the fire is such a big deal, you need to
have established it earlier on. At this stage
it is just a rabbit out of a hat.


Best, Knot.

[HersheyKiss]

Thank you both. I only wish to work to improve you dont have to worry about critiquing too much. I've never really written outside of what pops in my head or shown it to others better yet improve them. Im happy for the opportunity so thanks again. Ill take everything into consideration.

[Dwestmoreland]

Hi,

First, I would change sounds to sound in the first part, I like a lot of the imagery that you are using but a few lines feel kind of clunky such as "a dark shadow looms over the room"

[wesliewilkin]

The sounds of footsteps echo in the night - I think "sound" might sound better
Clanking faster and faster against the marble floor - perhaps just say "clanking fast against the marble floor"
A heart beat thumps out of control - "thumps" doesn't make the sentence sound right, try a different word
Eyes scanning for an open door

A shivered cold breath mixes in the air around it - if you remove "around it" and just have "a shivered cold breath mixes in the air", it makes this sentence and the next sentence sound better.
Unseen through the musky blackness of the night
A breeze enters through the holes in the wall
laying goosebumps on all in its sight

"come out come out where ever you are" - I would change this..
A voice so stern and steal shouts - steel?
A dark shadow looms over the room
Blocking the only way out 

She plays through her head what she can do - maybe switch this sentence around and turn it into a question and then revise the rest of this stanza.
Of the two choices that lay ahead
She can cower in fear as her end draws near
Just waiting for herself to be dead - I would remove "just"

or maybe, just maybe, if she can push through this - I would remove the "just maybe"
She just might come out on top
If she trys hard enough she can get out okay -* tries / "get out okay" needs some revision. try stronger wording.
Just as long as she never stops - remove "just as long" and change it to something else

The only problem is facing this fear  
Tho its the only solution with hope
But yet its so hard to take that first step
Down such a slippery slop - I would revise this whole stanza. make it stronger. really focus on the problem at hand and how hard it will be to get through it.

Thunder claps in the sky above
pulling her from her thoughts - perhaps use a stronger word than "pulling"
Bringing her back to reality as lightning hits a tree
causing her eyes to see dots

The light conceals the dark around it - around what?
Directing shadows across the room
That once perfect hiding spot now plain as day - this sentence needs revision... it just doesn't flow
as the shadows dance in the gloom - also, this is kind of unnecessary 

Heat spreads as fast as fire
Making the heart beat faster still 
Sweat beads drip off two faces
As one darts for the kill

A weapon of glass found on the floor
Shown by the light of the fire
And a victim with no chance of survival
Slashed as if nothing but a tire

A pool of blood drips to the floor
The body falls in a crumble 
And the killer watches with crusted dark eyes
Not a sound, not a word, not a mumble

She didn't pick this path it was picked for her - comma between "path" and "it"
It was a choice she had rather not made "a choice she would have rather not made" maybe?
But if not for that fire raging on behind her
Maybe her life would not have been saved

This poem has potential, but it's somewhat confusing to read and you need to expand more on certain parts and delete others. Choose what you want to focus on and don't expand on unnecessary parts. Good luck!

[JkArcher]

i'm new at this but, i really liked this gaves me a sense of fear and anxiety,
putting me right in the middle of the poem.
thanks for the read