Revision 1 (Clarified a couple parts. Still open to crit)
The Sea and No Promises
We wind our way through beach towels
and sun-baked bodies
like a vibrant quilt strewn over blinding
white stretches for miles
In short skirts and sunglasses, finer ladies
trot the boardwalk, not dressed for swim,
not interested in messy sand,
but only to be further spoiled, by the view -
the green-apple sea.
You follow me until
our feet begin to sink in the wet;
the sun hot on our backs,
we both dive in.
From a floating laughter we behold
our preoccupied audience,
so colorful and widely spread,
and the climbs beyond -
the great white mountains in the blue.
My eyes return to you,
gently kicking when a wave rolls through
and your toes can't reach the bottom.
You're hard-working,
from a little shanty beyond the dunes,
always salt in your clothes, hair, and skin,
and your father mends his nets outside;
but not today.
The distance a boat can take a man
is the reason for whatever is absent
when you smile,
the reason your laugh is short-lived;
the storms that blow for days and weeks,
the loneliness of an empty home,
his flowers framed in misted window panes
with no promises.
The Sea and No Promises
We wind our way through beach towels
and sun-baked bodies
like a vibrant quilt strewn over blinding
white stretches for miles
In short skirts and sunglasses, finer ladies
trot the boardwalk, not dressed for swim,
not interested in messy sand,
just to be further spoiled by the view -
the green-apple sea.
You follow me until
our feet begin to sink in the wet;
the sun hot on our backs
we both dive in.
From a floating laughter we behold
our preoccupied audience,
so colorful and widely spread,
and the climbs beyond -
the great white mountains in the blue.
My eyes return to you,
gently kicking when your toes can't
reach the bottom.
You're hard-working,
from a little stucco home beyond the dunes,
always salt in your clothes, hair, and skin,
and your father mends his nets outside;
the distance a boat can take a man
is the reason for whatever is absent
when you smile,
the storms that blow for days and weeks,
the loneliness of an empty home,
his flowers framed in misted window panes
with no promises.
This isn't deep enough. It doesn't reach into her story far enough to be touching. There are some weak lines. I will have to meditate on the background further and pull stronger images into the ending lines.
"The best way out is always through."-Robert Frost dwcapture.com
(04-12-2018, 01:59 AM)danny_ Wrote: The Sea and No Promises
We wind our way through beach towels and sun-baked bodies like a vibrant quilt strewn over blinding this can be extended: like a vibrant quilt of stone white stretches for miles strewn over blinding night stretches
for miles.................and unending boulevards In short skirts and sunglasses, finer ladies trot the boardwalk, not dressed for swim, perhaps. too abstract not interested in messy sand, develop this; not interested in messy sand or the glass-filled hand just to be further spoiled by the view - (as you always do
the green-apple sea. this is luscious and full of sap: the green-apple sea, apple-cider for me You follow me until our feet begin to sink in the wet; the sun hot on our backs we both dive in. an indulgent reverse of Camus and his estrangement
From a floating laughter we behold this line is absolutely stunning our preoccupied audience, so colorful and widely spread, and the climbs beyond - the great white mountains in the blue.
My eyes return to you, gently kicking when your toes can't I always resist this sort of sordidness reach the bottom.
You're hard-working, from a little stucco home beyond the dunes, always salt in your clothes, hair, and skin, and your father mends his nets outside; redemptive lines here and there and beyond
the distance a boat can take a man is the reason for whatever is absent when you smile, a passive forward reminiscence for the old man becoming young,..........once again
the storms that blow for days and weeks, the loneliness of an empty home, his flowers framed in misted window panes with no promises. Fucking brilliant and exact and brilliantly final
This isn't deep enough. It doesn't reach into her story far enough to be touching. There are some weak lines. I will have to meditate on the background further and pull stronger images into the ending lines.
Thanks, Thunderembargo, for your time. However, I'm a bit confused.
"like a vibrant quilt of stone" - Do you see beach towels and people laying on them in the sun, strewn over the white blinding sand for miles, as a quilt of stone?
"perhaps. too abstract" - Perhaps... what? Those "finer ladies" are too spoiled to touch sand, and to only accept the beauty as something visual for them. It's okay if you had a hard time with that, but please express it so I can be sure what exactly you had difficulty understanding.
"full of sap, apple-cider for me" - Sap and apple-cider. If you say so.
"an indulgent reverse of Camus and his estrangement" - Sorry, I have no idea what you are talking about, even after some google searching.
"I always resist this sort of sordidness" - sordidness? the person just had to keep afloat when humps of waves rolled through, so they had to swim a bit until the surface lowered to the point their feet could reach the bottom again. It's called swimming in the ocean. If I could make that more clear, I will, but let me know!
Now, after all that, I do thank you for your positive remarks.
This poem is about two people at the beach, and the thoughts of one about the other. Some parts may need to be clarified, I'm sure. On the other hand, I feel your grasp of the simple nature of this poem needs a second chance.
"The best way out is always through."-Robert Frost dwcapture.com
(04-12-2018, 01:59 AM)danny_ Wrote: The Sea and No Promises
We wind our way through beach towels and sun-baked bodies like a vibrant quilt strewn over blinding white stretches for miles << excellent description of beach
In short skirts and sunglasses, finer ladies trot the boardwalk, not dressed for swim, not interested in messy sand, just to be further spoiled by the view - << not sure if stanza needed unless important to narrative?
the green-apple sea. << my favourite line You follow me until our feet begin to sink in the wet; the sun hot on our backs we both dive in. << narrative starts at this stanza then... not necessarily powerful if you have something stranger too say?
From a floating laughter we behold our preoccupied audience, so colorful and widely spread, and the climbs beyond - the great white mountains in the blue.
My eyes return to you, gently kicking when your toes can't reach the bottom.
You're hard-working, << I think this line is a better opener to draw you directly into the heart of the story? kind of earthy. from a little stucco home beyond the dunes, always salt in your clothes, hair, and skin, and your father mends his nets outside;
the distance a boat can take a man is the reason for whatever is absent when you smile,
the storms that blow for days and weeks, the loneliness of an empty home, his flowers framed in misted window panes with no promises. << change of subject? good end if it's a twist
This isn't deep enough. It doesn't reach into her story far enough to be touching. There are some weak lines. I will have to meditate on the background further and pull stronger images into the ending lines.
Thank you michellewareham, or just michelle? Welcome to the site, by the way!
That was decent feedback, thank you. I now see an issue with the narrative since I stepped away from this poem for awhile and returned to read your reply. I'm partial to keeping the opening only to set up the scene, but I agree it may eventually get reworked. Some good points you made. I will consider them as I make revisions.
"The best way out is always through."-Robert Frost dwcapture.com
We wind our way through beach towels and sun-baked bodies like a vibrant quilt strewn over blinding white stretches for miles
You might give some thought to reordering this
(if only to remove 'like') - perhaps' We wind our way through sun-baked bodies, beach towels, a vibrant quilt strewn over blinding white, stretches for miles.
There's definitely something odd with
'strewn over blinding white stretches for miles'
In short skirts and sunglasses, finer ladies trot the boardwalk, not dressed for swim, not interested in messy sand, but only to be further spoiled, by the view -
Can't see the purpose of this verse.
You go from 'sand' (S1) to 'board-walk' (S2)
then back to 'sea' (S3).
the green-apple sea.
this really needs to follow from S1/L4
(with minor modifications for flow) You follow me until
this doesn't make sense in the context
of S1/L1 our feet begin to sink in the wet; the sun hot on our backs,
This isn't doing much. Walking on the beach
and heat are already established. This is
essentially repetition. we both dive in.
From a floating laughter we behold our preoccupied audience, so colorful and widely spread, and the climbs beyond - This too seems to just get in the way.
If they're preoccupied then in what sense are
they an 'audience', and what does it matter?
Like the 'ladies' in S2, these don't play any
further part in the piece. the great white mountains in the blue.
nice line
My eyes return to you, gently kicking when a wave rolls through and your toes can't reach the bottom.
Ok. Let's stop here for a minute.
You can rework the above into a decent
beach/holiday romance scene, the essentials
are there but the final three stanzas are something
entirely different.
My advice is cut them out of this piece and present
them (as they are) as a new poem by themselves (see below).
There's a 'weight' to them that is absent in all the above.
You're hard-working,
The idea is good, the line isn't (too blunt). from a little shanty beyond the dunes, always salt in your clothes, hair, and skin,
the 'list' element doesn't work. and your father mends his nets outside;
but not today. The distance a boat can take a man is the reason for whatever is absent
('for whatever is absent', is a bit clunky.
- it should really follow the same phrasing as
'the reason your laugh...') when you smile, the reason your laugh is short-lived;
the storms that blow for days and weeks, the loneliness of an empty home,
(again, too blunt) his flowers framed in misted window panes
('misted' isn't great) with no promises.
Just a suggestion:
always salt
the storms that blow for days, weeks, father mend[ing] his nets outside; flowers framed in misted window panes,
but not today.
The distance a boat can take a man is the reason [your smile] ... the reason your laugh is short-lived.
Man, you shredded that thing! Yes I have to agree it's two poems stuck together, in fact they were originally separate. I guess they don't lend to each other like I thought. I'll meditate on it.
The reason I include some stanzas that don't seem related to narrative is simply for adding to atmosphere, seeing what they see. But I can't ignore your point.
Maybe "strewn" is the wrong word, otherwise I feel there's a decent image there.
"Follow me until" can work, S1-L1 doesn't indicate it wasn't that way to begin with. But 'following' may not be important.
S4 provides a great image for me, although 'audience' may technically be wrong, as you said. It's about seeing what's happening, like a movie, and doesn't always need a strong purpose other than imagery that contributes to atmosphere, which contributes to the emotional response you get as you do when watching any movie about two people spending time together, seeing what they see.
I agree with some other points and they will be useful for revision.
Thanks for good crit feedback.
"The best way out is always through."-Robert Frost dwcapture.com
Man, you shredded that thing!
I think you're over stating the case
You knew this was two poems!
The reason I include some stanzas that don't seem related to narrative is simply for adding to atmosphere, seeing what they see. But I can't ignore your point.
I don't mind 'adding to the atmosphere', but that N has no reaction to them
makes the seem irrelevant.
Maybe "strewn" is the wrong word, otherwise I feel there's a decent image there.
I agree with you about the decent image.
'Strewn' is problematic, I think because you've described a densely packed beach, whereas
'strewn' connotes 'scattered' (which in turn implies 'space').
My real issue though is with -
'...over blinding white stretches for miles'
over blinding white stretches of what? Sand, shore, coast? Or are beaches referred to as 'stretches'?
If they are, ignore my question.
"Follow me until" can work, S1-L1 doesn't indicate it wasn't that way to begin with.
But 'following' may not be important.
True, but 'we' implies something (a 'togetherness', a 'hand holding') which 'following' does not.
S4 provides a great image for me, although 'audience' may technically be wrong, as you said. It's about seeing what's happening, like a movie, and doesn't always need a strong purpose
other than imagery that contributes to atmosphere, which contributes to the emotional response
you get as you do when watching any movie about two people spending time together, seeing
what they see.
As above, if N has no 'emotional response' then why should I?
Genuine question. Do you think that given S1 (which is a pretty good description of a crowded 'tourist' beach)
the reader isn't adding these details for themselves?
Well, if it's mentioned, there is something important to N about it, even if not more than just noticing/liking the view.
I agree about "strewn."
It's established that it's a beach full of sun-bathers, "beach towels" after all, so why is white stretches hard to imagine? It's a good way of avoiding "sand", although I don't think I ended up using that word anywhere else like I thought I would. I don't require the reader to make any great leaps, but expecting some basic intuition or deduction isn't so bad is it? Is it really hard to guess stretches of sand?
Mind you I'm not being argumentative, not in a negative sense. I'm curious, that's all. I want to learn but at the same time I do have some opinions.
I agree about the 'togetherness'.
To answer the last question. What's wrong with an impression of the scene from a different angle? Everything slightly repetitive has to be cut? It doesn't have to be so lean, does it? I view it as just another image to compliment and build on the scene. Maybe more needs to be added in order for it to belong, but I can't justify cutting those lines of seeing the color and people "so widely spread" from that offshore perspective. Repetition, especially when worded uniquely, can't hurt, but only reinforce. What then is missing? Does one of them need to express their feelings about the view?
I'm in a bit of a rush at the moment, sorry. Interested in your thoughts.
"The best way out is always through."-Robert Frost dwcapture.com
It's established that it's a beach full of sun-bathers, "beach towels" after all, so why is white stretches hard to imagine? It's a good way of avoiding "sand", although I don't think I ended up using that word anywhere else like I thought I would. I don't require the reader to make any great leaps, but expecting some basic intuition or deduction isn't so bad is it? Is it really hard to guess stretches of sand?
Because you don't say 'blinding white stretches', you say, 'blinding white stretches for miles'.
You could try
...blinding white, [which] stretches for miles
or
blinding white, stretch[ing] for miles
either would be less ambiguous.
(There's a negative sense to arguing? News to me )
You are left with a small inconsistency that, if the beach is effectively cover in towels/sun-bathers
how or what is 'blinding'.
To answer the last question. What's wrong with an impression of the scene from a different angle? Everything slightly repetitive has to be cut? It doesn't have to be so lean, does it?
No, you're right, it doesn't. What then is missing?
Basically, the relationship between the couple. In your rely to thunderembargo you said: "This poem is about two people at the beach, and the thoughts of one about the other" - yet it takes five or six verses before you get to the narrator's thoughts (and as previously discussed, they really are a separate piece entirely). I understand you want to paint the landscape, but (purely personal opinion), I want to know the couple first/more than the general scene and you give equal weight to both in the first two stanzas (and arguably in the piece overall). You don't, I think, establish the 'relationship' sufficiently before switching away from it. Or conversely, you don't establish it at all, before asserting "my eyes return to you" half way through the piece.
I think you've got the potential for two good pieces here;
- a beach scene (third person view, no particular weight given to the couple, but interesting descriptions and observations - a series of 'impressions' from 'different angles')
- and the final three stanzas.
Interesting points, the use of 'for miles', also the inconsistency of how full the beach is vs the white stretches. Never saw that.
Negative arguing! Taking offense and getting irate or becoming insensitive. You know. And a good argument can sometimes be misinterpreted on the interwebs. I don't want to come across that way by accident.
See, when I write, I usually don't know where I'm going. I just follow my imagination. That's probably why it's a little spontaneous, the focus coming in late, etc. Probably not good for the final piece, so your perspective is helpful, not just for this work but for my work in general. It's good to be aware of writing habits.
Still, the piece does start with "we" and follows them throughout. S2 throws it off, I can see, even if it was just supposed to be something they were noticing. But I agree with the potential for two pieces, and I'll be giving that some thought. I imagine I might like to break some rules if it's my personal style, but not sure if putting the focus towards the end is really what I want. You notice I did that with the restaurant scene too. Thank you much for your time and thought.
"The best way out is always through."-Robert Frost dwcapture.com
