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Revision 1 (Thank you Knot)
Before the Cooks Arrive
Glistening, black algae
thrives on the floor drain,
a barred window into the dark
gut below.
A slice of potato rests
at the edge.
Red tile stretches
under silver appliances,
sucked into dented reflections.
Stove backs are hugged with grease,
a charred black skin on yellow cream,
through which a rubber hose slides.
The nozzle leaks
and burns her wrist.
Her hair stays loosely in a bun,
drops of sweat on her neck,
as she clenches the trigger
releasing a jet of steaming water
melting every surface clean,
engulfed in humidity,
watched by heavy snowfall
in the only window - white
against the pre-dawn.
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Joined: Oct 2017
Hey danny.
I like the idea of the scene, but it is all
a bit disjointed, confused (and the title
could be improved, even something as
simple as 'Behind the Scenes) - it would
help, I think, if you chose either the kitchen
or the cleaner as the focus. Switching
the perspective in S3 doesn't work that
well (for me).
Before the Cooks
Glistening, black algae
thrives on the floor drain
nice start
above a cavernous echo -
you don't need this, it interrupts
the flow and dilutes the 'dark gut'
image (which is good/strong)
a barred window into the dark
gut below.
A soggy french-fry hangs
limply over the edge.
Nothing wrong with the image,
but 'soggy' and 'limply' are rather
weak and, for me, it has a rather
comedic feel.
Steaming red tile stretches
how does tile steam?
under silver stoves,
sucked into dented reflections.
Their bottoms are hugged with grease:
a charred black skin on yellow cream
I can't tell if 'bottoms' refers to the 'red tiles'
or the 'silver stoves'.
through which a fat hose slides.
I don't think this should be a continuation
of the previous sentence but the start
of a new one.
Is the pun on 'fat' intended?
The nozzle drips
and burns her wrist.
Her hair stays loosely in a bun,
drops of sweat on her neck,
as she blasts it off every surface,
This reads like she's blasting the
sweat off herself.
engulfed in humidity,
watched by heavy snowfall
in the only window - white
against the predawn.
'Pre-dawn' is rather poor.
Personally, I'd be tempted
to start with this verse and make
the piece more about her.
Best, Knot.
Posts: 123
Threads: 16
Joined: Aug 2014
Thanks, that was decent feedback. I agree about the switch in focus.
If you have the image in mind (if I conveyed it well enough at all) the red tile steams because there's very hot water on it. But that probably wasn't conveyed, it was more the stoves that she was blasting the grease off. I see the mistake now.
"fat" may be unneeded. This all comes from a real-life experience but sometimes the real details aren't helpful to the poem.
predawn was used in place of dark/night as she is up very early to do this job... before the cooks arrive.
Very good stuff to think about, I thank you.
Posts: 123
Threads: 16
Joined: Aug 2014
Revision 1 -
More clarity to image, and removed some words.
Still have that odd shift in focus but I can't currently make a poem out of either half of the shift, so leaving it as is for now.
Could use other improvements as well, I'm sure. Still open to critique.
This is the kind of poem I write where I think "I really kind of like this," and at the same time feel "yeah but the whole thing kind of sucks."
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Joined: Oct 2017
Hey danny.
L5/L6 It's an interesting detail, but also
oddly drab (after 'dark gut')
L10 'Hugged' clashes with 'charred',
I think.
L21 'watched by' doesn't work very well.
(two different 'windows' (L3))
Have you considered switching the order
of the verses? S3, S2, S1 seems promising
(and the change in focus is less jarring).
Best, Knot.
Posts: 123
Threads: 16
Joined: Aug 2014
Good points. Not sure I want to change charred.
It may be hard to imagine if you've never seen it,
which puts me at a disadvantage for sure.
There's so much grease it's genuinely hugging
the backs of stoves like a blanket; also, because of
the heat it has a charred skin. You would think the
place should have burned down after seeing that.
If you can think of a better way to express that
let me know. The other points you made are
definitely useful.
^ I've adopted your line-break style messages...
Testing, anyway. I know on wide screens the
text goes miles this way >>> before a break.
Posts: 703
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Joined: Oct 2017
Hey danny,
no, I don't think you should change 'charred' either,
but you might revisit 'hugged'...
(if only for the weak sonics).
Stove backs are [...*....]
with grease,
a charred skin, [...**...]
black, on yellow cream
* slathered
thick
caked
are encrusted/incrusted
are inspissated with (just kidding)
('are' may not be necessary)
** scorched
arson
Hope that's of some use.
Best, Knot.
