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It started with dread and finished with embarrassment.
There was nothing to blame except the scratchy
sponge resting in my skull.
Grace was given and exceptions made,
but there it was, the final hour,
and what had been achieved?
The church bells tolled,
one after the other.
The cigarette burned,
down to the stub.
Time had
run
out.
"Self-knowledge is no guarantee of happiness, but it is on the side of happiness and can supply the courage to fight for it." - Simone de Beauvoir
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(12-11-2017, 03:49 PM)flagthrower Wrote: It started with dread and finished with embarrassment.
There was nothing to blame except the scratchy
sponge resting in my skull.
Grace was given and exceptions made,
but there it was, the final hour,
and what had been achieved?
The church bells tolled,
one after the other.
The cigarette burned,
down to the stub.
Time had
run
out.
Hi Flagthrower, This makes me think of sitting an exam, well everything except the cigarette and church bells. I like the way you narrow the text with time, content wise the theme is clear but as a reader couldn't really pin anything down to engage with, except that sense of, Oh shit this isn't going happen and its my fault. On my second read I was left thinking this was someone doing an exam at uni near a church. Others may have a better insight than me. Best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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(12-11-2017, 03:49 PM)flagthrower Wrote: It started with dread and finished with embarrassment.
There was nothing to blame except the scratchy
sponge resting in my skull. hmm, probably just a personal preference, but i´d put the line breaks after "blame" and "sponge"
Grace was given and exceptions made, i like the disillusioned sound in this line
but there it was, the final hour, not sure if you talk of death or the moment of truth.. but anyway, somehow i think this line comes too soon.
and what had been achieved?
The church bells tolled,
one after the other.
The cigarette burned,
down to the stub.
Time had i wondered if you could leave out those last 3 lines.. "down to the stub" would make a good finish in my view.
run
out.
i like the "scratchy sponge" and also the line that follows.
your poem conveys some feelings, the content may be supposed to remain cryptic or i only don´t manage to see the story behind it : )
...
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You almost nailed it, Keith. Mental block while trying to write a paper, pulled an all-nighter and heard the morning bells which meant the submission deadline had come. I am torn about leaving off the last three lines, in a way I agree "down to a stub" would be a nice ending, but feel like it needs a little more context to round out. Thanks for your feedback Keith and vagabond!
"Self-knowledge is no guarantee of happiness, but it is on the side of happiness and can supply the courage to fight for it." - Simone de Beauvoir
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(12-11-2017, 03:49 PM)flagthrower Wrote: It started with dread and finished with embarrassment. (I wonder if this line could be somehow condensed or made more poetic? It reads like prose to me. All my poetry reads like prose, so I know the trouble!)
There was nothing to blame except the scratchy
sponge resting in my skull. (I love "the scratchy / sponge resting in my skull")
Grace was given and exceptions made,
but there it was, the final hour,
and what had been achieved? (Not sure what's going on in this stanza)
The church bells tolled,
one after the other.
The cigarette burned,
down to the stub. (Really nice, concrete images)
Time had
run
out. (The line breaks in the last three lines feel a little heavy-handed)
Some really great images in this piece. I think you could aim for greater clarity, but you're off to a good start.
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It started with dread and finished with embarrassment. -Good beginning, had an "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times" feel to it
There was nothing to blame except the scratchy -I like scratchy sponge because it makes me think more of someone
sponge resting in my skull. perplexed, though I am not sure the enjambment helps
the poem's trickling formation enough to be worth it.
Grace was given and exceptions made, -What Grace? Exceptions? Those are given to submission deadlines?
but there it was, the final hour, -thank goodness it's not the Appointed Time!
and what had been achieved? -makes me think of things unseen, that's good.
The church bells tolled, -I love the sound of church bells(I can hear them on River Street, sometimes).
one after the other.
The cigarette burned, -I hate cigarettes, for many good reasons, so I understand how this is an
down to the stub. unpleasant scene.
Time had
run
out. -the last 5 lines reminded me of a time bomb. You know, the kind in movies
where they use a cigarette burning down, some sort of
guarantee of activation, lighting a wick, or tripping a trigger. Kinda like
what an assassin would do, but we needn't fear even them, if we have trusted
Christ.
interesting and provocative poem.
when I first read the title I was
thinking of a mental ward, not so much
a writer's block.
thanks for the read.
-nibbed <3
there's always a better reason to love
I love the way you shaped the poem to make it look like its truly "running out"! I think the last 3 lines help with putting more context and life to the poem. The word you use are very visual and represent well what i think you are describing. Thanks for sharing
I really like where the poem where was going, but I didn't get the feel of where the words came from. What does it mean to you and can you expand on that? It was a little short just like life and like a cigarette 
I really appreciate the aesthetic of the way the poem looks on paper. As the clock ticks, the lines get shorter which really cause you to read faster and faster as you progress through the poem. This creates a certain anxiety that I believe you were trying to recreate and I think this was done very well.
AndyBryant123
Unregistered
I like this because it can be interpreted many different ways. At first it made me think of waiting on the electric chair or something like that. But after reading a second time it reminded me more of a man that failed to achieve greatness, and was looking back in shame.
(12-11-2017, 03:49 PM)flagthrower Wrote: It started with dread and finished with embarrassment.
There was nothing to blame except the scratchy
sponge resting in my skull.
Grace was given and exceptions made,
but there it was, the final hour,
and what had been achieved?
The church bells tolled,
one after the other.
The cigarette burned,
down to the stub.
Time had
run
out.
Eat.think.live.peaceful
Unregistered
(12-11-2017, 03:49 PM)flagthrower Wrote: It started with dread and finished with embarrassment.
There was nothing to blame except the scratchy
sponge resting in my skull.
Grace was given and exceptions made,
but there it was, the final hour,
and what had been achieved?
The church bells tolled,
one after the other.
The cigarette burned,
down to the stub.
Time had
run
out.
This paints a beautiful picture of that feeling of being "good enough" for a certain set of standards, but still feeling like a failure because you did not live up to your own expectations. I like the imagery used of the cigarette burned to the stub as a symbol of time runnng out.
Trophic_Cascade
Unregistered
It started with dread and finished with embarrassment.
There was nothing to blame except the scratchy Not sure if I've ever described my brain as a "scratchy sponge," but other people seem to be down with it, so that's OK
sponge resting in my skull.
Grace was given and exceptions made, This line is a bit unclear. Maybe change "exceptions" to a less ambiguous word.
but there it was, the final hour,
and what had been achieved?
The church bells tolled,
one after the other.
The cigarette burned,
down to the stub.
Time had
run
out.
If you rework line 2 and remove or change the last three lines, you have the opportunity to end each line with punctuation, which is something that I would personally do for.
now that's a great exmple of structure effectiveness. altough you could succeed even more, if you would have combine, metaphorically, between the structure (espiecly in the ending) and the very idea of writing, mental block. like, for exmple, 'the white page is worn out', something like that.
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(12-11-2017, 03:49 PM)flagthrower Wrote: It started with dread and finished with embarrassment.
There was nothing to blame except the scratchy
sponge resting in my skull.
Grace was given and exceptions made,
but there it was, the final hour,
and what had been achieved?
The church bells tolled,
one after the other.
The cigarette burned,
down to the stub.
Time had
run
out. I like how the you used the cigarette stub to represent the amount of time that you had left, and the use of church bells to represent your fate. I also love the way that you structured the poem! The lines get smaller to represent the amount of time that you have left. My only criticism would be your use of the word "embarrassment", it would have been really cool to implement a word that better suits the passage of time, to foreshadow your situation. Other than that... I love it!
I enjoyed the imagery this piece invoked in my mind. I took the more direct route especially towards the end with the bells tolling and the cigarette stub I would have wagered a cancer patient enjoying one last smoke and accepting the finality of death.
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Joined: Mar 2018
I quite like what you did with making each line shorter to drive home the point of time running out. One suggestion could be to separate the last few lines into new stanzas, or to have each line be a new letter, to really drive the point home. (This is my first critique though, so take anything I say with a grain of salt)
Posts: 8
Threads: 3
Joined: Mar 2018
I liked your poem, the idea was showcased well, but i especially liked the way your lines kept decreasing in length, drawing a parallel with the ever shortening time. Cool stuff. Also the line about grace given was nice.
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