There are still times when snow melts,
weakening ice cracks silently, the sky dark
like the nightdress you used to wear.
The one that hung tight against your hips, drooped
in the front, felt soft against my belly.
Your snoring used to make me feel warm,
but now it reminds me of old men, waiting
for their turn to die.
First Edit:
Why I Don't Sleep Naked Anymore
There are still moments when snow melts,
ice weakens and cracks, the sky dark
like the nightdress you used to wear
that hung tight against your hips, drooped
in the front, felt soft against my stomach.
Your snoring used to keep me warm,
but now winter nights creep in,
even reaching under my blankets.
So this is just another ending for us.
We're sick from words like “forever,”
this page not our first deathbed.
Original:
Why I Don't Sleep Naked Anymore
Winter night sneaks through window and door,
even reaching under my blankets.
Your snoring used to keep me warm,
but now you sleep alone like a prisoner,
the key lost long ago along with the jailer.
There are still moments when snow melts,
ice weakens and cracks, the sky dark
like the nightdress you used to wear
that hung tight against your hips, drooped
in the front, felt soft against my stomach.
So this is just another ending for us.
We're sick from words like “forever,”
this page not our first deathbed.
Hey Richard, as a reader I find myself emphasising with the N. and for the most part I think there is some strong imagery that helps in present this relationship between the N. and their partner, that being said there are in other points places where I feel the images used could be sharpened further to really hammer the message of the piece home. Below I’ve left a few comments for you. Winter night sneaks through window and door,
even reaching under my blankets.
Your snoring used to keep my warm,
but now you sleep alone like a prisoner,
the key lost long ago along with the jailer.
As much as I like the imagery of the final lines of the stanza, I’m not sure that the use of prison and a jailer works with the winter metaphor, used throughout the piece.
There are still moments when snow melts,
ice weakens and cracks, the sky dark
like the nightdress you used to wear
that hung tight against your hips, drooped
in the front, felt soft against my stomach.
I like where you are going with the snow melting but feel that this image and the way it is described through ice cracking could be expressed better by expanding the thought. Really like the sky dark/ like the nightdress image though
So this is just another ending for us.
We're sick from words like “forever,”
this page not our first deathbed.
Hey Johnny,
Thanks for the feedback. I've been playing around with this one for the last couple of days. I was to the point where I was starting to go in circles a bit with my edits, so I appreciate your thoughts on the consistency of the imagery, especially in stanza one.
Richard, I do like this. If you don't mind the presumption, I'd like to make a slight suggestion (easier to show than talk through):
There are still moments when snow melts,
ice weakens and cracks, the sky dark
like the nightdress you used to wear
that hung tight against your hips, drooped
in the front, felt soft against my stomach.
Your snoring used to keep my warm,
but now you sleep alone like a prisoner,
the key lost long ago along with the jailer.
Winter night sneaks through window and door,
even reaching under my blankets.
So this is just another ending for us.
We're sick from words like “forever,”
this page not our first deathbed.
~~
I think S2 is a better lead. The first line of S2 is more evocative and it gets to the relationship sooner. I'm also tempted to suggest you cut your last line and end on forever.
I realize I didn't go into much detail but hopefully its helpful anyway.
Best,
Todd
(03-01-2018, 03:37 AM)Richard Wrote: Why I Don't Sleep Naked Anymore
Winter night sneaks through window and door,
even reaching under my blankets.
Your snoring used to keep my warm,
but now you sleep alone like a prisoner,
the key lost long ago along with the jailer.
There are still moments when snow melts,
ice weakens and cracks, the sky dark
like the nightdress you used to wear
that hung tight against your hips, drooped
in the front, felt soft against my stomach.
So this is just another ending for us.
We're sick from words like “forever,”
this page not our first deathbed.
Hey all,
I made some changes to this one. Feel free to let me know if it's going in the right direction, or not. I'm not 100% on the parts that I cut, so I look forward to seeing what people have to say about that.
Hi Richard,
better for the edit I think, but perhaps still
has some way to go.
There are still moments when snow melts,
Not sure, but do you need 'still'? ice weakens and cracks, the sky dark
Delete 'and'? 'The sky [is] dark'
seems like it should be the start of a new
sentence, not a continuation. like the nightdress you used to wear that hung tight against your hips, drooped
maybe 'which hung' and 'sagged'? in the front, felt soft against my stomach.
(Do you need 'felt'?)
Feels like a line is missing -
'felt soft against my stomach
and...'?
Your snoring used to keep me warm, but now winter nights creep in, even reaching under my blankets.
Good as far as it goes, but it doesn't go
far enough. Is the 'reaching' erotic
or threatening or..?
Also, S1 seems like a description of
'winter nights' so this feels like a bit
of a repetition (and not as well written)
Can't quite see how you get from S2 to here;
feels like a big leap and, again, only
half a verse. So this is just another ending for us. We're sick from words like “forever,” this page not our first deathbed.
(03-01-2018, 03:37 AM)Richard Wrote: Hi richard, some good advice on this already so i am picking gratuitously. There are some idiosyncrasies which I see but don't want to over egg. In text is probably best. Here goes.
First Edit:
Why I Don't Sleep Naked Anymore
There are still moments when snow melts,...moments? A moment is short, very short..."moments" are only longer by sum of pluralities, and generally infer different event "instances" . You only talk about one poignancy (and if that ain't a word it should be), namely that of an emotive recall. It well may have happened more than once but THIS is the NOW. The build up to the "dark like the nightdress" takes time....not a series of moments...so...
"There are still times when snow melts, weakening ice cracks silently, and the sky turns dark as (note...not like) the nightdress you used to wear. "
Now, that's the end of this metaphor otherwise you are in danger of directly associating the nightdress, hips, drooped, soft etc with a dark sky. Surely not? You are only making a colour comparison...any extension within this extended sentence structure, becomes difficult to imagine.
If you really want to extend the imagery you must change the structure. So....
"...and the sky hangs dark, like the nightdress you wore; slung from the peaks of your hips, drooped at the front. ( could be more sensual...needs belly somewhere. Coming up.). The folds felt soft against my belly. (Not stomach. Stomach is a pouch-like incredibly unsexy INTERNAL organ
ice weakens and cracks, the sky dark
like the nightdress you used to wear
that hung tight against your hips, drooped
in the front, felt soft against my stomach.
Your snoring used to keep me warm,....how so? unless it was so incredibly decibelous ( and if that ain't a word, I'm not surprised) that vibrational friction made you hair get warm I just don't see this. If you are making a subtle physiological point...ie..just-knowing-you-were-there-kept-me-warm sort of thing.....it is too subtle for me. Now, if you had said "Your snoring made me FEEL warm..." then OK.
but now winter nights creep in,
even reaching under my blankets. "even " as well as what else? don't think you need "even". Try:
" Your snoring once made me feel warm but now the winter nights crawl in; dead fingers underneath my blankets."
Your poem...plenty of options. As always, it's the thought that counts...not the bloody rewrite.
So this is just another ending for us.....I instinctively do not like this line. The use of So...this.. just and for...screams to me "find a better way of saying what you mean to say". You can do it.
We're sick from words like “forever,”....what word is like forever? Sorry, but you asked for that. Brilliant building but could do with Planning Permission.
this page not our first deathbed. ...this page IS not....or this page will not be....and it should be last, surely? Oh well....
Best I can do. Very worthwhile. Well done, tectak
Original: Why I Don't Sleep Naked Anymore
Winter night sneaks through window and door,
even reaching under my blankets.
Your snoring used to keep me warm,
but now you sleep alone like a prisoner,
the key lost long ago along with the jailer.
There are still moments when snow melts,
ice weakens and cracks, the sky dark
like the nightdress you used to wear
that hung tight against your hips, drooped
in the front, felt soft against my stomach.
So this is just another ending for us.
We're sick from words like “forever,”
this page not our first deathbed.
Hey tectak,
Thanks for the feedback. Your comment about the stomach brought a smile to my face. Like Knot, you gave me some wonderful suggestions for when I attempt another edit.
(03-08-2018, 11:40 AM)Richard Wrote: Hey tectak,
Thanks for the feedback. Your comment about the stomach brought a smile to my face. Like Knot, you gave me some wonderful suggestions for when I attempt another edit.
Hi Richard, let me give you some feedback on this version.
(03-01-2018, 03:37 AM)Richard Wrote: Second Edit:
Why I Don't Sleep Naked Anymore--I like the title a lot. It raises a question for the reader. I wonder though if your first line is the right lead-in to answer the question posed by your title.
Winter nights crawl in, reaching for blankets.--There's nothing entirely wrong with this line. My possible issues with it are its placement as the first line (for the reasons mentioned). Also, you sort of want winter reaching for the blankets to portray the new coldness in the relationship. I think you need a setup line to have this one have the sort of resonance you're looking for.
There are still times when snow melts,
weakening ice cracks silently, the sky dark--I think weakening can be cut. It doesn't do much for you here. The break on dark leading into the next line is exactly what I want.
like the nightdress you used to wear.
The one that hung tight against your hips, drooped--How about changing The one that to "That once"
in the front, felt soft against my belly.
Your snoring used to make me feel warm,--I'm thinking that this is the closest line you have that might be suitable as an opening. then followed by the Winter nights line. It would require a change to lead into this strophe.
but now it reminds me of old men, waiting
for their turn to die.--Better ending. You probably could cut "for"
Just some thoughts. I think you're moving in a good direction.
Hi Richard,
I'm broadly in agreement with Todd, but I wonder if you could preserve L1 be adding 'Now...' ?
Then developing the idea with the 'reaching under' from version one for the 'relationship reasons'
that Todd described. Might provide a better contrast with the apparent nostalgia of S2.
I still think it's missing an element, the moment that prompts the title.
I wonder if the end might be more effective if you finish on 'waiting'?
Hey Todd and Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. Todd, I was wondering if that first line was effective as an opening, so I appreciate what you had to say there. Knot, I quite like your idea to end on "waiting".
