The Artists' Sentence

[Tiger the Lion]

The Artists' Sentence (Overdue Edit)

I am convicted
of knowing a Beautiful      
that pencils cannot sketch,

pigment cannot paint
and words embarrass themselves
pretending to know;

a secret chord
my clumsy fingers
cannot strum--

a flirtatious muse
who would never give it up
to any of us.


The Artists' Sentence

I am convicted
of discerning a beauty
pencils cannot sketch
pigment cannot paint
and words embarrass themselves
pretending to know 

a flirtatious muse
who would never give it up
to any of us

[tectak]

The Artists' Sentence

I am convicted
of knowing a beautiful       Huh? Shome mishtake here, shurely?
pencils cannot sketch

pigment cannot paint
and words embarass themselves
pretending to know 

a flirtatious muse
who would never give it up
to any of us

You have to sleep with your muse, Tiger. Anything else is but a suspended sentence....
Best, 
 tectak

[Tiger the Lion]

The Artists' Sentence

I am convicted
of knowing a beautiful       Huh? Shome mishtake here, shurely? Edited, thanks. I won't even try to explain. 
pencils cannot sketch

pigment cannot paint
and words embarass themselves
pretending to know 

a flirtatious muse
who would never give it up
to any of us

You have to sleep with your muse, Tiger. Anything else is but a suspended sentence....  Indeed. 
Best, 
 tectak

[vagabond]

it might lead to confusion but, though grammatically disrupted, the first version still made sense to me and was an original read, even if unintended.
i´ve read it like this:
"i know a beautiful  pencils cannot sketch, pigments cannot paint and words embarrass themselves to know a flirtatious-muse. "
the next line sort of swallowed the sentence before.
(but i like it as it is now, too)

[Tiger the Lion]

it might lead to confusion but, though grammatically disrupted, the first version still made sense to me and was an original read, even if unintended.
i´ve read it like this:
"i know a beautiful  pencils cannot sketch, pigments cannot paint and words embarrass themselves to know a flirtatious-muse. "
the next line sort of swallowed the sentence before.
(but i like it as it is now, too)

I wish I could say that was my intention. In reality I was hoping "beautiful" would translate as a noun- almost a proper noun- but I shied from capping it. In the end I figured first impression is important and it misfired.

[Tiger the Lion]

Edit, 3 years later...

[Knot]

.
Hi Tiger,
really like the first two verses (and Beautiful as a noun works) but then it seems to lose steam. And trying to get past s3 without thinking of Leonard Cohen is impossible, for me


The Artists' Sentence


I am convicted
of knowing a Beautiful
my pencils cannot sketch,

nor pigments paint
and simple words embarrass themselves
pretending to know;


you could end here, though it's a bit weak. Any way of returning to the idea of conviction/sentence? Not so much interested in the muse, but how the Artist is reacting to this situation.


Best, Knot


.

[Tiger the Lion]

.
Hi Tiger,
really like the first two verses (and Beautiful as a noun works) but then it seems to lose steam. And trying to get past s3 without thinking of Leonard Cohen is impossible, for me


The Artists' Sentence


I am convicted
of knowing a Beautiful
my pencils cannot sketch,

nor pigments paint
and simple words embarrass themselves
pretending to know;


you could end here, though it's a bit weak. Any way of returning to the idea of conviction/sentence? Not so much interested in the muse, but how the Artist is reacting to this situation.


Best, Knot


.

Thanks Knot. Leonard Cohen is a legit problem that simply evaded me. It's obvious once pointed out. Returning to the conviction is also worth exploring. The 2 instances of knowing/know are also bugging me. I think I may have tried "discern" at some point and may go back to it. I'm going to do some juggling and return. Thanks again.

[Todd]

It's been so long since I've written or critiqued anything, but I read this and wanted to comment on one possible cut.

First off it holds together well, and I prefer A Beautiful to a beauty. I'm not concerned about the grammar. I'm more concerned about reaching out for the ephemeral.

The Artists' Sentence (Overdue Edit)

I am convicted
of knowing a Beautiful      
that pencils cannot sketch,

pigment cannot paint
and words embarrass themselves
pretending to know;--I don't feel you really need this line. I think you can move directly to a secret chord without the transition. If you want to keep the three line groups (and I'm sure you do). I'd consider cutting on words (letting the line break provide a pause as if to show their inadequacy and make the third line "embarrass themselves")

a secret chord
my clumsy fingers
cannot strum--

a flirtatious muse
who would never give it up
to any of us.

That's all I have. I'm rusty so it may just be purely subjective.

Best,

Todd

The Artists' Sentence

I am convicted
of discerning a beauty
pencils cannot sketch
pigment cannot paint
and words embarrass themselves
pretending to know 

a flirtatious muse
who would never give it up
to any of us

[Tiger the Lion]

It's been so long since I've written or critiqued anything, but I read this and wanted to comment on one possible cut.

First off it holds together well, and I prefer A Beautiful to a beauty. I'm not concerned about the grammar. I'm more concerned about reaching out for the ephemeral.

The Artists' Sentence (Overdue Edit)

I am convicted
of knowing a Beautiful      
that pencils cannot sketch,

pigment cannot paint
and words embarrass themselves
pretending to know;--I don't feel you really need this line. I think you can move directly to a secret chord without the transition. If you want to keep the three line groups (and I'm sure you do). I'd consider cutting on words (letting the line break provide a pause as if to show their inadequacy and make the third line "embarrass themselves")

a secret chord
my clumsy fingers
cannot strum--

a flirtatious muse
who would never give it up
to any of us.

That's all I have. I'm rusty so it may just be purely subjective.

Best,

Todd

The Artists' Sentence

I am convicted
of discerning a beauty
pencils cannot sketch
pigment cannot paint
and words embarrass themselves
pretending to know 

a flirtatious muse
who would never give it up
to any of us

Thanks Todd. Good to see you. I'm not married to the Secret Chord strophe as much as I wanted to include the musical arts. I've juggled these lines a million ways and feel like it might eventually come together. I am however, a little married to the idea of a muse that can't quite be encapsulated. I still feel like that's the driver here, even if it means a crumpling of paper and palm to the forehead. Thanks for the deconstruction of the "words" idea. -- a pause may say more than text.

[Knot]

The 2 instances of knowing/know are also bugging me. I think I may have tried "discern" at some point and may go back to it. I'm going to do some juggling and return.

I think Todd's economical, cut it, has merit (though I like the way the repetition made me consider the different 'ways' of knowing, including the Biblical). Just a passing thought, perhaps 'charcoal' for 'pencils'?

Best, Knot.

.

[Kingsausage1778]

The title is very on point, those of us with an artistic nature do seem to be cursed with the constant search for something that you feel is there, but you just can't quite touch.

[Tiger the Lion]

potential edit. does this help or hurt? 

The Artists' Sentence (Potential Edit)

I am convicted
of knowing a Beautiful      
that pencils cannot sketch,

pigment cannot paint
and words embarrass themselves
pretending to know;

a sacred scale 
these fat fingers 
cannot climb--

a flirtatious muse
who would never give it up
to any of us.

The Artists' Sentence (Overdue Edit)

I am convicted
of knowing a Beautiful      
that pencils cannot sketch,

pigment cannot paint
and words embarrass themselves
pretending to know;

a secret chord
my clumsy fingers
cannot strum--

a flirtatious muse
who would never give it up
to any of us.


The Artists' Sentence

I am convicted
of discerning a beauty
pencils cannot sketch
pigment cannot paint
and words embarrass themselves
pretending to know 

a flirtatious muse
who would never give it up
to any of us

[TranquillityBase]

potential edit. does this help or hurt? 

The Artists' Sentence (Potential Edit)

I am convicted
of knowing a Beautiful      
that pencils cannot sketch,

pigment cannot paint
and words embarrass themselves
pretending to know;

a sacred scale 
these fat fingers 
cannot climb--

a flirtatious muse
who would never give it up
to any of us.

"pencils", "pigment", and "words" are presented without adjectives.  Why does "fingers" need one?  especially that one 

that's my 2 cents, or maybe only 1/2 cent.

TqB

[Tiger the Lion]

potential edit. does this help or hurt? 

The Artists' Sentence (Potential Edit)

I am convicted
of knowing a Beautiful      
that pencils cannot sketch,

pigment cannot paint
and words embarrass themselves
pretending to know;

a sacred scale 
these fat fingers 
cannot climb--

a flirtatious muse
who would never give it up
to any of us.

"pencils", "pigment", and "words" are presented without adjectives.  Why does "fingers" need one?  especially that one 

that's my 2 cents, or maybe only 1/2 cent.

TqB

Sharp eye. Good point.

[Lizzie]

The Artists' Sentence (Overdue Edit)

I am convicted -- maybe "I've been convicted" ?
of knowing a Beautiful -- can you do "Beauty" ?
that pencils cannot sketch,

pigment cannot paint
and words embarrass themselves
pretending to know;

a secret chord
my clumsy fingers
cannot strum--

a flirtatious muse
who would never give it up
to any of us. -- Not sure about the ending, probably because......Keats. 

[Kynaston Levitt]

potential edit. does this help or hurt? 

The Artists' Sentence (Potential Edit)

I am convicted —"convicted of" doesn't seem to be the right word to use, here. "Condemned to" is better. 
of knowing a Beautiful —I have read some of the other replies and noticed you haven't really had any pushback for using "beautiful" as a noun/proper noun. I will be that pushback. It doesn't work. It's amateurish and you should change it to "beauty". And anyone that tells you different doesn't have your best interests at heart. 
that pencils cannot sketch,

pigment cannot paint
and words embarrass themselves
pretending to know;—This bit's a complete mess. I would try thinking of a whole different thing that "words" either do or don't do to complete this thought.

a sacred scale 
these fat fingers 
cannot climb--—Personally, I think three lines of alliteration is too much. 

a flirtatious muse
who would never give it up
to any of us. --the last stanza is really good. 

I think when writing about such a cliché idea as inexpressible beauty one has to really do something different with it. But the old "the paint cannot paint, the words cannot say, the melody cannot hum, the paradiddle cannot drum... etc" is doing the opposite of that. If it weren't for the last stanza I would suggest binning the whole thing. Instead, I would cut it down to 4/5 lines that get the message across in the most elegant and interesting way.


I am condemned
to know a beauty—
a flirtatious muse
who never
gives up the goods

[Tiger the Lion]

As long ago as it was, I consider Tectak's comment to be a heavy pushback. I got conflicting views on the subject and both sides have merit IMO. You're right about the premise itself being cliche. I'll move on.

[TranquillityBase]

As long ago as it was, I consider Tectak's comment to be a heavy pushback. I got conflicting views on the subject and both sides have merit IMO. You're right about the premise itself being cliche. I'll move on.

I know you've moved on, but I've just got to say that trying to describe "inexpressible beauty" is always a worthy project (I think that's the project for most of us here in the forum) and there's nothing cliche about the poem.

[brynmawr1]

Tiger,
I am going to second TqB's comments.  The artists' curse has always been the inability to completely describe or capture the subject.  The subject can never be cliche (I won't go through the extrapolation), only the end product and I don't think yours is.