First Edit: Death (in life)

[yimbus]

Death, an expansive fist
keeping clenched
tightly around the womb.
Suffocatingly free and
selfishly provocative
in the most tragic way.

Blindly glimpsing at creases
that are strewn across its grip,
between glossy knuckles.
Inside its grasp, in life,
it tends to be
impossible to see
as far as he
who fled its yielding vice.

Forlorn dreams form the interior,
sometimes wishing of the exterior
and losing focus
of what’s within.
Chase an endless eschewal
of the gruesome toil
and surely you won’t win.

Many perish inside these walls
of fleshy, fly-bitten skin.
Yet if you were to live
transparent to the evil
inspired by this necessary fate,
maybe you shall see
how beautiful it is
in this receding space.





Original

An expansive fist
that keeps clenched
so tightly 'round the womb. 
Suffocatingly free
yet provocative
in all its tragic ways. 

Glimpsing through the creases
that interlace its grip, 
between its glossy knuckles, 
sight fails to see
as far as thee
who fled its yielding vice.

Dream of things 
but fail your plea
for the endless eschewal 
from its gruesome toil.

Many perish inside its walls
'fore they traverse the webbing
that crosses between outside and in, 
overlapping with the heart. 

Yet if one were to live
transparent to the evil
inspired by necessary fate, 
maybe they shall see
how beautiful it is
in this receding space.

[alonso ramoran]

An expansive fist I like the opening
that keeps clenched maybe "keeping clenched" instead?
so tightly 'round the womb.  maybe "tightly around the womb" instead? When used with my above suggestion of course.
Suffocatingly free not sure if this oxymoron works
yet provocative I'd keep provocative and omit free. "free" was a distraction for me.
in all its tragic ways. At this point I think this is trying to depict a violent abortion of some sort

Glimpsing through the creases
that interlace its grip, no comma needed
between its glossy knuckles, I'd either keep "grip" or "glossy knuckles". I'd go with the latter. Of course after picking from the two, some rephrasing should be in order. I enjoyed the imagery though
sight fails to see Using "sight to see" sounds unnecessary. I'd replace sight with "I", but even then the line doesn't prove it's significance to the whole piece. Needs a little more umph
as far as thee Thee? Why thee?
who fled its yielding vice. "yielding vice" is too vague.

Dream of things 
but fail your plea 
for the endless eschewal 
from its gruesome toil. What is "its"? This whole stanza is too vague. I understand that you might be wanting to leave your reader room for subjectivity, but you wanna provide a scene and then let the reader interpret it, otherwise you might as well give the reader a blank page and let them start writing in it. This doesn't go for the whole poem, just this stanza. I don't even think this stanza is important to the poem, as the reader.

Many perish inside its walls
'fore they traverse the webbing why not just use before? Is there a meter you're trying to follow?
that crosses between outside and in, "between outside and in" sounds wordy. To just say "outside" implies that there's an inside and "crossing between" doesn't sound right. 
overlapping with the heart. Cannot make sense of overlapping

Yet if one were to live
transparent to the evil Throw in an "and"?
inspired by necessary fate, 
maybe they shall see
how beautiful it is
in this receding space. I really wish I knew more of this space the N was talking of, but even down until this last stanza, the vocabulary used was too vague for me to even care. I'll highlight the words I'm talking about that I'd like you to go more in depth with.

Good luck with it, Alex

[yimbus]

An expansive fist I like the opening
that keeps clenched maybe "keeping clenched" instead?
so tightly 'round the womb.  maybe "tightly around the womb" instead? When used with my above suggestion of course.
Suffocatingly free not sure if this oxymoron works
yet provocative I'd keep provocative and omit free. "free" was a distraction for me.
in all its tragic ways. At this point I think this is trying to depict a violent abortion of some sort

Glimpsing through the creases
that interlace its grip, no comma needed
between its glossy knuckles, I'd either keep "grip" or "glossy knuckles". I'd go with the latter. Of course after picking from the two, some rephrasing should be in order. I enjoyed the imagery though
sight fails to see Using "sight to see" sounds unnecessary. I'd replace sight with "I", but even then the line doesn't prove it's significance to the whole piece. Needs a little more umph
as far as thee Thee? Why thee?
who fled its yielding vice. "yielding vice" is too vague.

Dream of things 
but fail your plea 
for the endless eschewal 
from its gruesome toil. What is "its"? This whole stanza is too vague. I understand that you might be wanting to leave your reader room for subjectivity, but you wanna provide a scene and then let the reader interpret it, otherwise you might as well give the reader a blank page and let them start writing in it. This doesn't go for the whole poem, just this stanza. I don't even think this stanza is important to the poem, as the reader.

Many perish inside its walls
'fore they traverse the webbing why not just use before? Is there a meter you're trying to follow?
that crosses between outside and in, "between outside and in" sounds wordy. To just say "outside" implies that there's an inside and "crossing between" doesn't sound right. 
overlapping with the heart. Cannot make sense of overlapping

Yet if one were to live
transparent to the evil Throw in an "and"? —> I was trying to say that as a complete phrase, the evil that is inspired by a known (or necessary) fate
inspired by necessary fate, 
maybe they shall see
how beautiful it is
in this receding space. I really wish I knew more of this space the N was talking of, but even down until this last stanza, the vocabulary used was too vague for me to even care. I'll highlight the words I'm talking about that I'd like you to go more in depth with.

Good luck with it, Alex

The title is pretty much the premise of the poem. Was just metaphorically speaking about death and how it’s viewed, by people who may seek it, are curious of it, or fear it. Hopefully that clears some of it up...if not, let me know and I’ll clarify the parts you were confused about. Thanks for the other feedback too, I’ll keep it all in mind if/when I make an edit

[alonso ramoran]

I was trying to say that as a complete phrase, the evil that is inspired by a known (or necessary) fate
My apologies, I misread those lines. 

I didn't mention it in my critique but I think what you have right now is a good place to start. The ideas are there, but for me it just needs to be fleshed out a little more.

Best, Alex

[tectak]

An expansive fist
Expansive? Contradiction in terms, here.

1. covering a wide area in terms of space or scope; extensive.
   "expansive beaches"
   synonyms:
   extensive, sweeping, rolling.
   2.
   (of a person or their manner) relaxed and genially frank and communicative."he was in an expansive mood"synonyms:communicative, forthcoming, sociable, friendly, outgoing, unreserved, uninhibited, open, affable, amiable, genial, chatty, talkative, conversational, garrulous, loquacious, voluble, effusive, demonstrative, extrovert, extroverted; 
   

that keeps clenchedClenched does not sit with expansive
so tightly 'round the womb. Not a sentence...like this.
Suffocatingly freeWhat does this mean? What could it possibly mean? How can "free" be considered "suffocating" in any conceivable sense? Do not try to explain it. change it.
yet provocativeWhat is provocative? You do not say. What is the "its" referring to on the next line? How is a "fist"...if that is what you are referring to, in any way tragic? You are thinking thoughts...good...but there is an intermittent gap between you head and your pen.
in all its tragic ways. You really MUST try to use words that at the very least make sense. It is not enough to just use words that are long or sound profound. 

Glimpsing through the creases
that interlace its grip, 
between its glossy knuckles, 
sight fails to see
as far as thee
who fled its yielding vice.This whole stanza has so much wrong with it that I barely know where to start. How on earth do you glimpse through a crease? "between" creases, only maybe...just maybe....and it would help with "interlacing". I feel you are trying to say something but you are getting lost in some wordy alphabet soup that is more gruel than goodness. What on earth is the archaic, oldee English "thee" all about? This usage is, frankly, one of the known novice traits (see Leanne's guidance notes)...but this is in Intensive crit...so what is it doing here? You are taking forced rhyme to a whole new level (see Leanne's guidance notes)...and for what? Opportunism?? How long have you harboured the desire to rhyme see with thee? 
 I try, but I cannot make "interlacing" work...it is the WRONG word. It is only there because you like it and I do not. You "glimpse" through "creases" yet "fail to see" between knuckles? This is the wrong way round. Neither you, nor I, can see through creases...but we can both see BETWEEN knuckles? Am I making sense?...One of us has to for the sake of this poem. Clenched so tightly....yet yielding vice(????)...Wha? Whi??? Have you read this through? Vice as in a bench vice...or do you mean "grip"? Oh, yes, I meant grip...aw..sod it...I have already used "gripping" earlier...You are making your own problems...read this out loud to someone other than you mother who will say "It's lovely, dear". There is little worse than critical analysis of someone else's thoughts but you posted this here and we are duty bound to try to help...so seriously and first of all...read it to yourself OUT LOUD. This does not always work as isinglass in wine but you may be able to auto-suggest some clarification of your own. That is by far the best help you will get.  

Dream of things 
but fail your plea
for the endless eschewal 
from its gruesome toil.Of, but, for, from, its....this stanza is gobbledygook. You have severe verbal diarrhea....but even I , when similarly afflicted, could better choose a word than "things". What or whose gruesome toil? "...eschewal FROM..." You obviously know what "eschewal" means...good. Contextually, then you should say "...eschewal OF.." See, I am trying to be helpful.


Many perish inside its walls
'fore they traverse the webbingWhy? Why "'fore"? Are we suddenly in Camelot? What is wrong with "before"? Ah..I get  it...you think it is "poetic". Pathetic. Just using the right word seems an anathema to you....or as you might say...an anaconda.
that crosses between outside and in, 
overlapping with the heart. Look, I know what this is about but if someone had written it out in Navajo it would be clearer. Why are you deliberately making the piece unclear? This metaphorical "castle" filled with amniotic fluid seems to have not a moat and drawbridge...but a web across the exit. As a metaphor you start well, but then end up in a kind of obscure obstetric universe. We know it is a womb..you told us so already...so get off the puzzle pills and get right on down to the meaningful stuff. Metaphors are good...but they are used to clarify by analogy...not mystify by musing. Overlapping with the heart?...Sheeesh.

Yet if one were to liveWhat's with the "yet"? "Yet" is a contra...I thought this YET I did that...I fell, YET maintained my dignity. What are you contra-ing (and if that ain't a word, it should be) here? Let's look at this. Sensibly, now. You set up an unconditional statement..."Many perish inside its (OK , womb, yes..got it. ) walls" and then without one jot of divergence into controversy (the stanza maintains the high level of gobbledygook but adds, thereby, nothing to the opening line) you contra with  "...Yet if one were to live (OK so far, but here comes nothing) transparent to the evil inspired by the blah blah blah...."  You lose the very point of your contra in a whole blitz of bizarre and superfluous fluff that simply induces forgetfulness in the reader as he tries to decipher what the hell it all means...and while we are here you say "one" in the first line but "they" later on. I only mention this because I am so happy to be able to pick up on something so obviously wrong that you will not wriggle out of it   
transparent to the evil
inspired by necessary fate, 
maybe they shall see
how beautiful it is
in this receding space.

A lot of work needed. No one can criticise you for thinking thoughts... and that is more than half of the poetic endeavour...but you really must learn the craft. It is not just the biggest or most obscure or best sounding words that do it. It is putting the RIGHT words in to the RIGHT order that makes a poem sing. You may not like this, but could I suggest that you do two things? First, READ more poetry...second, give writing in rhyme a go. I am NOT suggesting that poetry MUST rhyme but the discipline will force you to use words that have a syllable count requirement or a tight meaning OR, perish the thought, must be chosen to rhyme as well. Oh...and ban the use of the word "its" from your vocabulary...Throughout this piece I, and it seems I am not alone, have no idea what "it" is.
Best, 
tectak

[ritwiksadhu33]

Hi yimbus, I liked parts of this. Here are some thoughts.

An expansive fist
that keeps clenched "that keeps" could go
so tightly 'round the womb. 
Suffocatingly free
yet provocative
in all its tragic ways. Too many adjectives. "in all its" could go. Try something visual, maybe?

Glimpsing through the creases
that interlace its grip, 
between its glossy knuckles, intelacing its grip between glossy knuckles. Unless you are following a rhyme scheme that I failed to follow.
sight fails to see
as far as thee
who fled its yielding vice. Very convoluted.

Dream of things 
but fail your plea sounds iffy, grammatically. Not sure what fail your plea means.
for the endless eschewal "the" works when the phrase is a common characterization for a well known concept. That would be death here. Which totally messes up things for me. Are you asking the child to not die, although it may wish for death in its state of unbearable pain and struggle? This would be... a really contrived way to express that.
from its gruesome toil. 

Many perish inside its walls
'fore they traverse the webbing
that crosses between outside and in, 
overlapping with the heart. Really liked the wording and imagery here. Not too sure what it exactly means, but that doesn't always matter.

Yet if one were to live
transparent to the evil
inspired by necessary fate, 
maybe they shall see
how beautiful it is
in this receding space. Did not get this paragraph at all. Which is surprising since it doesn't use any words that are out of place. Just that the 2 halves of the sentence did not add up.

In summary, poetry is, despite all its variations and quirks, an expressive art, with constraints of brevity. If you have a complicated perspective, you have to analyze your ideas, think how to write out its elements so that someone other than a mind-reader can get what you are at. Especially if you are not writing poems that are impression or image based but actually have a story to tell. Try to think carefully about what you are trying to say and write it out as tersely and clearly as possible. Even if you loose a little of the beauty in the process, that's better than loosing the reader in the details.

[yimbus]

Thanks for all the feedback. I just made an edited version, based on many of your suggestions. Let me know what you think.