Conscious Disregard

[yimbus]

These words supreme to me
parade an effervescence,
      which of the spirit
      trickles over
      begone from reality.

Repressed by pillars,
whilst annealed in hills
that call the mockingjay,
      to seek refuge
      beneath its wings
      of endless comforting.

Ponderous deeds deny me,
from these knolls of earth
and strands of green;
      unfulfilled verses
      expose,

these words supreme to me.

[tectak]

These words supreme to me
floss my effervescence,
      which of the spirit
      trickles over
      begone from reality.

Contained only by pillars,
while annealed in distant hills
that call the mockingjay,
      to seek refuge
      beneath its wings
      of endless comforting.

Ponderous deeds deny me,
from these knolls of earth
and strands of green;
      unfulfilled verses
      expose,

these words supreme to me.

Enough...this is contrived nonsense. If English is not your first language then I apologise. If it is, then YOU should apologise for time wasting. PM me if you want to discuss this further...we do not have a forum for computer algorhymes but. I am inclined to move it to somewhere else. Please tell me why I should not. Mod.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey yimbus-
Yer taking a real chance posting this outside of the "soft crit" zone.  I see that most folks have taken a "Conscious Disregard" for this piece,  and that is out of sheer restraint and mercy.  

I can only ask that you read this aloud to yourself, and then someone else.  If that "someone else" has a very puzzled look don't be surprised.  I am personally curious as to the meaning of "floss my effervescence."  Please don't try to explain it.

The good news is that yer poem writing is just beginning and there is plenty of time to work past clunkers.  The operative word here being "work."  Otherwise, it's all over before it can get started.  

Good luck!
... Mark

[yimbus]

Hey yimbus-
Yer taking a real chance posting this outside of the "soft crit" zone.  I see that most folks have taken a "Conscious Disregard" for this piece,  and that is out of sheer restraint and mercy.  

I can only ask that you read this aloud to yourself, and then someone else.  If that "someone else" has a very puzzled look don't be surprised.  I am personally curious as to the meaning of "floss my effervescence."  Please don't try to explain it.

The good news is that yer poem writing is just beginning and there is plenty of time to work past clunkers.  The operative word here being "work."  Otherwise, it's all over before it can get started.  

Good luck!
... Mark

Floss also means “flaunt” or “show off”

[Todd]

Hey yimbus-
Yer taking a real chance posting this outside of the "soft crit" zone.  I see that most folks have taken a "Conscious Disregard" for this piece,  and that is out of sheer restraint and mercy.  

I can only ask that you read this aloud to yourself, and then someone else.  If that "someone else" has a very puzzled look don't be surprised.  I am personally curious as to the meaning of "floss my effervescence."  Please don't try to explain it.

The good news is that yer poem writing is just beginning and there is plenty of time to work past clunkers.  The operative word here being "work."  Otherwise, it's all over before it can get started.  

Good luck!
... Mark

Floss also means “flaunt” or “show off”

I don't think I've ever seen any dictionary definition of floss used in that way. Could you please give your source--so we can learn. Google was no help to me. Even if floss did carry that meaning, the phrasing you use comes off awkwardly. I'm serious though about wanted to see the dictionary reference you're using (not sarcastic in the slightest).

[yimbus]

Hey yimbus-
Yer taking a real chance posting this outside of the "soft crit" zone.  I see that most folks have taken a "Conscious Disregard" for this piece,  and that is out of sheer restraint and mercy.  

I can only ask that you read this aloud to yourself, and then someone else.  If that "someone else" has a very puzzled look don't be surprised.  I am personally curious as to the meaning of "floss my effervescence."  Please don't try to explain it.

The good news is that yer poem writing is just beginning and there is plenty of time to work past clunkers.  The operative word here being "work."  Otherwise, it's all over before it can get started.  

Good luck!
... Mark

Floss also means “flaunt” or “show off”

I don't think I've ever seen any dictionary definition of floss used in that way. Could you please give your source--so we can learn. Google was no help to me. Even if floss did carry that meaning, the phrasing you use comes off awkwardly. I'm serious though about wanted to see the dictionary reference you're using (not sarcastic in the slightest).

I will definitely change it. It's slang, and apparently not very common, at least with this demographic. I just liked it because it can carry a double-meaning of showing off, but maybe without backing it up which goes along with the meaning of my poem. I have seen it in no formal dictionary reference either so I can't provide you with one. I agree it probably wasn't the smartest choice of words, especially when I tend to use older words elsewhere...mixing dialect was a mistake on my part.

[ellajam]

Floss also means “flaunt” or “show off”

I don't think I've ever seen any dictionary definition of floss used in that way. Could you please give your source--so we can learn. Google was no help to me. Even if floss did carry that meaning, the phrasing you use comes off awkwardly. I'm serious though about wanted to see the dictionary reference you're using (not sarcastic in the slightest).

I will definitely change it. It's slang, and apparently not very common, at least with this demographic. I just liked it because it can carry a double-meaning of showing off, but maybe without backing it up which goes along with the meaning of my poem. I have seen it in no formal dictionary reference either so I can't provide you with one. I agree it probably wasn't the smartest choice of words, especially when I tend to use older words elsewhere...mixing dialect was a mistake on my part.

urban dictionary

TOP DEFINITION
floss
To flaunt expensive merchadise such as Iced-out rollies, Jaguars on Triple Golds, Gem-encrusted Pimp goblets, Huge whops of dank hydro, etc.
You can tell that it's Flossin' Season everywhere! (Juvenile, "Flossin' Season")
by Pimp C June 24, 2003

I still can't make sense of that first strophe or even the line "floss my effervescence", the N would be saying whatever words they are speaking of (???) flaunt the N's effervescence (spirit?) which is gaudy and ostentatious? Trying to put that together with the 3 lines below it leads to lots of work for not much.

[Todd]

Thanks Ella, urban dictionary...got it.

[yimbus]

I don't think I've ever seen any dictionary definition of floss used in that way. Could you please give your source--so we can learn. Google was no help to me. Even if floss did carry that meaning, the phrasing you use comes off awkwardly. I'm serious though about wanted to see the dictionary reference you're using (not sarcastic in the slightest).

I will definitely change it. It's slang, and apparently not very common, at least with this demographic. I just liked it because it can carry a double-meaning of showing off, but maybe without backing it up which goes along with the meaning of my poem. I have seen it in no formal dictionary reference either so I can't provide you with one. I agree it probably wasn't the smartest choice of words, especially when I tend to use older words elsewhere...mixing dialect was a mistake on my part.

urban dictionary

TOP DEFINITION
floss
To flaunt expensive merchadise such as Iced-out rollies, Jaguars on Triple Golds, Gem-encrusted Pimp goblets, Huge whops of dank hydro, etc.
You can tell that it's Flossin' Season everywhere! (Juvenile, "Flossin' Season")
by Pimp C June 24, 2003

I still can't make sense of that first strophe or even the line "floss my effervescence", the N would be saying whatever words they are speaking of (???) flaunt the N's effervescence (spirit?) which is gaudy and ostentatious? Trying to put that together with the 3 lines below it leads to lots of work for not much.

Ok. I got rid of floss, I can agree that it may have been stupid.

Changed to "parade an effervescence". 

The overall intention of the poem was the subject, narrator, or just someone...has words they may say or think, that they do not support in action. They "consciously disregard" them.

These words supreme to me --> double meaning of either from God, or just ideas the person may think but not hold themselves to the same standard
parade an effervescence,  --> they show vitality and enthusiasm
      which of the spirit  --> of their moral/spiritual character
      trickles over 
      begone from reality.  --> but they don't match those thoughts with real actions. 

Repressed by pillars,  --> pillars as a symbol for law, civilization, order. they may repressed the subject from their goal, or maybe they feel hopeless or comfort in the stableness
whilst annealed in hills --> strengthened by nature
that call the mockingjay, --> "mockingjay" could be a follower of the subject's thoughts/ pure intention, or follower of nature
      to seek refuge
      beneath its wings
      of endless comforting. --> beckoning of nature to reach their goal

Ponderous deeds deny me, ---> struggles of person as they fail to reach their goal
from these knolls of earth
and strands of green; --> of being one with nature, or of their own nature
      unfulfilled verses --> their words, thoughts, poems that are eloquent in concept
      expose, --> yet fail to reach by action

these words supreme to me. 

[vagabond]

Changed to "parade an effervescence". 

The overall intention of the poem was the subject, narrator, or just someone...has words they may say or think, that they do not support in action. They "consciously disregard" them.

These words supreme to me --> double meaning of either from God, or just ideas the person may think but not hold themselves to the same standard
parade an effervescence,  --> they show vitality and enthusiasm
      which of the spirit  --> of their moral/spiritual character
      trickles over 
      begone from reality.  --> but they don't match those thoughts with real actions. 

Repressed by pillars,  --> pillars as a symbol for law, civilization, order. they may repressed the subject from their goal, or maybe they feel hopeless or comfort in the stableness
whilst annealed in hills --> strengthened by nature
that call the mockingjay, --> "mockingjay" could be a follower of the subject's thoughts/ pure intention, or follower of nature
      to seek refuge
      beneath its wings
      of endless comforting. --> beckoning of nature to reach their goal

Ponderous deeds deny me, ---> struggles of person as they fail to reach their goal
from these knolls of earth
and strands of green; --> of being one with nature, or of their own nature
      unfulfilled verses --> their words, thoughts, poems that are eloquent in concept
      expose, --> yet fail to reach by action

these words supreme to me. 

so, it´s about idealistic thoughts or moral principles, proclaimed but not followed through with? and the feeling of failure that comes along with it or maybe even some kind of schizophrenic dissociation to avoid feelings of failure or a bad conscience about having double standards?
i have no idea what nature/ wilderness has to do with that though... except that it reminds me of instinctual needs that would be more deciding than any moral code.. however i am not sure if this is what you meant as a comforting thought.

reading your revision + explanation i thought it´s a little like saying "war is a bad thing".  almost everyone is aware of those mechanisms in general, what is trickier is to look at concrete examples.
not sure what made you write the poem and if there is some way to give it a personal aspect. don´t get me wrong, i think it´s worth writing about, just very difficult

[nibbed]

Hi yimbus

I liked your poem. It was very neatly written
and I liked your choice of form, too. I thought
about Queen Vashti. I had wondered how she
had survived when King Ahasuerus found a
replacement, but then upon further study
I learned she was the child of a king and would
be okay. I am limited to commenting, but hope
to be a blessing, somehow..





Conscious Disregard                                          The title took me to my thoughts about the book of Esther


These words supreme to me                             and these supreme words, Scripture
parade an effervescence,                                   I love parade & effervescence. What a wonderful choice of words to use.
      which of the spirit
      trickles over
      begone from reality.                                    this hinted a change of direction

Repressed by pillars,                                          I thought of a place in the middle east where pillars are carved into rock, Petra
whilst annealed in hills
that call the mockingjay,
      to seek refuge
      beneath its wings
      of endless comforting.                                I thought about the place where Bibles will be hidden.

Ponderous deeds deny me,                             I wondered if fear was the motivator of denial
from these knolls of earth
and strands of green;                                      my poetic knowledge of metaphor is poor, so I did not understand
      unfulfilled verses                                                                                                                         green strands
      expose,                                                     

these words supreme to me.                            interesting how mockingjay pulls the ending together.




the poem brought about many thoughts
and pictures flashed into my mind.

all the best to you


-nibbed

[yimbus]

Changed to "parade an effervescence". 

The overall intention of the poem was the subject, narrator, or just someone...has words they may say or think, that they do not support in action. They "consciously disregard" them.

These words supreme to me --> double meaning of either from God, or just ideas the person may think but not hold themselves to the same standard
parade an effervescence,  --> they show vitality and enthusiasm
      which of the spirit  --> of their moral/spiritual character
      trickles over 
      begone from reality.  --> but they don't match those thoughts with real actions. 

Repressed by pillars,  --> pillars as a symbol for law, civilization, order. they may repressed the subject from their goal, or maybe they feel hopeless or comfort in the stableness
whilst annealed in hills --> strengthened by nature
that call the mockingjay, --> "mockingjay" could be a follower of the subject's thoughts/ pure intention, or follower of nature
      to seek refuge
      beneath its wings
      of endless comforting. --> beckoning of nature to reach their goal

Ponderous deeds deny me, ---> struggles of person as they fail to reach their goal
from these knolls of earth
and strands of green; --> of being one with nature, or of their own nature
      unfulfilled verses --> their words, thoughts, poems that are eloquent in concept
      expose, --> yet fail to reach by action

these words supreme to me. 

so, it´s about idealistic thoughts or moral principles, proclaimed but not followed through with? and the feeling of failure that comes along with it or maybe even some kind of schizophrenic dissociation to avoid feelings of failure or a bad conscience about having double standards?
i have no idea what nature/ wilderness has to do with that though... except that it reminds me of instinctual needs that would be more deciding than any moral code.. however i am not sure if this is what you meant as a comforting thought.

reading your revision + explanation i thought it´s a little like saying "war is a bad thing".  almost everyone is aware of those mechanisms in general, what is trickier is to look at concrete examples.
not sure what made you write the poem and if there is some way to give it a personal aspect. don´t get me wrong, i think it´s worth writing about, just very difficult

You pretty much got it, at least what i specifically intended, but it is a slightly subjective/ambiguous poem. I used nature as the comforting thing because that’s what I view as my purpose, my comfort, or that my true nature/thoughts are “annealed” in nature. But it could also be interpreted as your dreams, or instinct; depends on the reader really. I’ve been reading a lot of Emerson/Thoreau as of late, so that’s somewhat where this came from, or the mindset I was in while writing. Also, it’s just a topic I think of a lot, and the Grammys kind of reignited that a bit haha, as it’s become so political yet a lot of the people there don’t really put their money where their mouth is on these subjects they talk about. I’m thinking of adding another stanza to add more of a personal aspect as you suggested.

---

Hi yimbus

I liked your poem. It was very neatly written
and I liked your choice of form, too. I thought
about Queen Vashti. I had wondered how she
had survived when King Ahasuerus found a
replacement, but then upon further study
I learned she was the child of a king and would
be okay. I am limited to commenting, but hope
to be a blessing, somehow..





Conscious Disregard                                          The title took me to my thoughts about the book of Esther


These words supreme to me                             and these supreme words, Scripture
parade an effervescence,                                   I love parade & effervescence. What a wonderful choice of words to use.
      which of the spirit
      trickles over
      begone from reality.                                    this hinted a change of direction

Repressed by pillars,                                          I thought of a place in the middle east where pillars are carved into rock, Petra
whilst annealed in hills
that call the mockingjay,
      to seek refuge
      beneath its wings
      of endless comforting.                                I thought about the place where Bibles will be hidden.

Ponderous deeds deny me,                             I wondered if fear was the motivator of denial
from these knolls of earth
and strands of green;                                      my poetic knowledge of metaphor is poor, so I did not understand
      unfulfilled verses                                                                                                                         green strands
      expose,                                                     

these words supreme to me.                            interesting how mockingjay pulls the ending together.




the poem brought about many thoughts
and pictures flashed into my mind.

all the best to you


-nibbed

Thanks nibbed. “Knolls of earth and strands of green” were supposed to be referring to the hills in the second stanza. Was just trying to switch up the wording a bit and add some more imagery. Glad to hear that it made you think of something personal to you

[Thunderembargo]

These words supreme to me
floss my effervescence,
      which of the spirit
      trickles over
      begone from reality.

Contained only by pillars,
while annealed in distant hills
that call the mockingjay,
      to seek refuge
      beneath its wings
      of endless comforting.

Ponderous deeds deny me,
from these knolls of earth
and strands of green;
      unfulfilled verses
      expose,

these words supreme to me.

Enough...this is contrived nonsense. If English is not your first language then I apologise. If it is, then YOU should apologise for time wasting. PM me if you want to discuss this further...we do not have a forum for computer algorhymes but. I am inclined to move it to somewhere else. Please tell me why I should not. Mod.

This criticism is bogus

Please refrain from critiquing another member's critique. Just write your own, as you did below, and it will be clear that you perceive the poem differently. /admin

On second look, tectak's is not a critique, it's a mod note. Again, this thread is not the place for your response, if you'd like to discuss it the Pig's Arse would be the place to do it.

---

These words supreme to me
parade an effervescence,
      which of the spirit
      trickles over
      begone from reality.           a complete transcendence and confidence in the power of your own words, to evoke a champagne of success in imaginary construction

Repressed by pillars,
whilst annealed in hills
that call the mockingjay,
      to seek refuge
      beneath its wings
      of endless comforting.             the contrast between tension/structure/andbeauty is a demonstration of movement as it conforms to the laws of nature's supernatural

Ponderous deeds deny me,
from these knolls of earth
and strands of green;
      unfulfilled verses
      expose,                               this verse is more difficult, yet moves the thinker or pensive towards the ground, a final direction of humility to make the poem sublimity

these words supreme to me.

First I really must comment on the flouorishing and brightness of this poem.   It is triumphant and victorious and gloiriol.   Many thanks for your accomplishment.