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Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
Edit 1
All I needed was one blast
around the block.
My small hands on the cool metal
of the Bonnevilles blue and white tank,
Dad keeping me safe
with his James Dean cigarette
and fly away fringe.
I felt like a test pilot,
face in the wind.
I grew and paid homage
on my own spoked wheel of Triumph
each racing line scrubbed and skutched,
I sat back and begged for
the mad mile of adrenaline.
All it takes is ten pints
at two in the morning,
and a girlfriend away at uni.
When good ideas
only get as far as the first corner,
then swinging arms snap
like a collar bone.
Original
All it takes is one blast
around the block.
Small hands grip the cool metal
of the Bonnevilles blue and white.
Dad keeping you safe
with his James Dean cigarette.
Something starts with that rush of air,
oil moves beneath the bearing,
each racing line scrubbed and skutched,
the mad mile of adrenaline.
All it takes is ten pints
and a girlfriend away at uni.
A fight over fruit bowl keys
at two in the morning,
when good ideas
only get as far as the first corner.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Posts: 298
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2014
(12-19-2017, 03:54 AM)Keith Wrote: All it takes is one blast
around the block.
Small hands grip the cool metal wondered about "small hands".. teens would have pretty adult-sized hands..
of the Bonnevilles blue and white.
Dad keeping you safe
with his James Dean cigarette. love this surreal connection. there´s a lot in this line about admiration, false sense of security and maybe something else you wanted to be understood
Something starts with that rush of air, i like how the rush is taken up 4 lines later again.
oil moves beneath the bearing,
each racing line scrubbed and skutched, "skutched" was a difficult word for me.. is it testing limits?
the mad mile of adrenaline.
All it takes is ten pints
and a girlfriend away at uni.
A fight over fruit bowl keys
at two in the morning,
when good ideas
only get as far the first corner.
i get a scene (cool motorcycles, drunken driving, accident) and a sad point (from my subjective view),
but probably by far not all that is said in your poem. especially the fruit bowl seems to imply something i can´t sort in.
...
Posts: 703
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Joined: Oct 2017
Hi Keith
S1
The opening is a bit misleading.
Agree with vagabond about 'small hands'
Of the 'blue and white' what?
Like the play of 'safe' and 'cigarette'.
S2
No real change in rhythm, where's the speed?
'Something starts' - what does?
'mad mile of...' - nice line
S3.
'fruit bowl key' has a 70s wife swap feel.
nice ending.
It all seems a bit flat. Not much energy, no sensations.
Arguably, as it stands, you could cut it down to the final stanza
and not lose much. Though the question of whether the rider
survives remains.
Best, Knot
Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
(12-19-2017, 06:28 AM)vagabond Wrote: (12-19-2017, 03:54 AM)Keith Wrote: All it takes is one blast
around the block.
Small hands grip the cool metal wondered about "small hands".. teens would have pretty adult-sized hands..
of the Bonnevilles blue and white.
Dad keeping you safe
with his James Dean cigarette. love this surreal connection. there´s a lot in this line about admiration, false sense of security and maybe something else you wanted to be understood
Something starts with that rush of air, i like how the rush is taken up 4 lines later again.
oil moves beneath the bearing,
each racing line scrubbed and skutched, "skutched" was a difficult word for me.. is it testing limits?
the mad mile of adrenaline.
All it takes is ten pints
and a girlfriend away at uni.
A fight over fruit bowl keys
at two in the morning,
when good ideas
only get as far the first corner.
i get a scene (cool motorcycles, drunken driving, accident) and a sad point (from my subjective view),
but probably by far not all that is said in your poem. especially the fruit bowl seems to imply something i can´t sort in. Thanks Vaga good feedback all can be used for the edit, the hands are small because the rider was being taken for a ride and was only small, but I see why this isnt working so thanks for all the pointers, I like the concept here so I want to keep that but this maty need more than a touch up. Best Keith
(12-20-2017, 01:28 AM)Knot Wrote: Hi Keith
S1
The opening is a bit misleading.
Agree with vagabond about 'small hands'
Of the 'blue and white' what?
Like the play of 'safe' and 'cigarette'.
S2
No real change in rhythm, where's the speed?
'Something starts' - what does?
'mad mile of...' - nice line
S3.
'fruit bowl key' has a 70s wife swap feel.
nice ending.
It all seems a bit flat. Not much energy, no sensations.
Arguably, as it stands, you could cut it down to the final stanza
and not lose much. Though the question of whether the rider
survives remains.
Best, Knot
Solid feedback as always Knots, thank you for sorting the wheat from the chaff and your honesty, I cant disagree with any of your comments, didnt see the fruit bowl that way but youre spot on, we just kept our keys in the fruit bowl. I want more from this than a short although I agree it could work that way, need to think and come back to it in a rewrite me thinks. Thanks for the help. Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
All it takes is one blast
around the block.
Small hands grip the cool metal
of the Bonnevilles blue and white. apostrophe,
Dad keeping you safe thankfully there was no compromise, I like Dad starting this line.
with his James Dean cigarette. this made Bonneville change to Spyder...that's just me
Something starts with that rush of air,
oil moves beneath the bearing,
each racing line scrubbed and skutched, skutched almost gives the sound of an eraser
the mad mile of adrenaline.
All it takes is ten pints interesting/clever conversion
and a girlfriend away at uni. another level of twist
A fight over fruit bowl keys true
at two in the morning,
when good ideas
only get as far the first corner. missing an as, but strangely I didn't notice the first 10 times I read it.
very intelligently written
I think the young driver
needs a moped hahaha j/k
is it okay to ask if this just "flowed"
or was it something thought out
over time? It is very good.
-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
(12-21-2017, 07:00 AM)nibbed Wrote: All it takes is one blast
around the block.
Small hands grip the cool metal
of the Bonnevilles blue and white. apostrophe,
Dad keeping you safe thankfully there was no compromise, I like Dad starting this line.
with his James Dean cigarette. this made Bonneville change to Spyder...that's just me
Something starts with that rush of air,
oil moves beneath the bearing,
each racing line scrubbed and skutched, skutched almost gives the sound of an eraser
the mad mile of adrenaline.
All it takes is ten pints interesting/clever conversion
and a girlfriend away at uni. another level of twist
A fight over fruit bowl keys true
at two in the morning,
when good ideas
only get as far the first corner. missing an as, but strangely I didn't notice the first 10 times I read it.
very intelligently written
I think the young driver
needs a moped hahaha j/k
is it okay to ask if this just "flowed"
or was it something thought out
over time? It is very good.
-nibbed Thank you nibbed, good spot on the missing as, will put it right immediately, he's even too young for a moped  I did write this quickly, and to be honest at the time off posting I just wanted to put something on the boards quickly that wasn't a post that involved having a go someone. So the result was it still needs work. Got some good feedback now so I know which direction to take this. Best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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