Purdah

[Leanne]

I am the stain
that darkens generations,
the beggar lush with temptation,
lowered lashes painted
with amphora ash

Thresholds vanish beneath your boot
and the flood rushes in,
as bloated corpses row paper ferries
past Charon's middle finger extended
seven times circling Elysium

Drive out the me, possessed of
clipped coin and vagabond dreams;
transfuse essence of god
in whose image the glory of man
spirals endlessly to Samarkand

Original version

Oh baby fuck me harder
til the blood comes out my mouth
for I am meat
for your exalted hands
to shape into amphora ash
 
Don't wait to ask, I
invited you in with downcast eyes
and you heard me beg
through lips swollen shut with
truth-coloured candy stitches
 
Door open means kick down the house
let in the flood
with bloated corpses rowing paper ferries
past Charon's middle finger extended
seven times circling Elysium
 
Drive out the me, possessed of
clipped pennies and vagrant dreams
and transfuse essence of god
in whose image the sins of man
spiral endlessly to Samarkand
 

[Wjames]

Oh baby fuck me harder
til the blood comes out my mouth this line is made stronger by the later stitch reference.
for I am meat I think this line could be stronger, I've heard this comparison many times.
for your exalted hands
to shape into amphora ash This is nice, but a little disconnected from the violence of the preceding.  
 
Don't wait to ask, I I don't see a purpose for this enjambment.
invited you in with downcast eyes
and you heard me beg
through lips swollen shut with
truth-coloured candy stitches "swollen shut with stitches" - tied shut? Swollen is a better word, but doesn't really fit the stitches.
 
Door open means kick down the house I like this line, I read it as a nice way of saying "beat up the slut".
let in the flood
with bloated corpses rowing paper ferries 
past Charon's middle finger extended middle finger extended could be an interesting penile reference.
seven times circling Elysium
 
Drive out the me, possessed of
clipped pennies and vagrant dreams
and transfuse essence of god do "the me" possess the transfused essence of god? I think it should be "transfused" in that case. If they transfuse the essence of god, I think it could be more grammatically clear as well.
in whose image the sins of man
spiral endlessly to Samarkand  Interesting ending... 
 

There's a lot of ways this can be taken - just as a singular woman, or as Greek ideals (Elysium) vs Islamic (Samarkand), etc.

[Knot]

...
for I am meat
for your exalted hands
these last two lines seem comparatively weak,
'meat' is almost clichéd and without any religious significance.
'exalted' (in what sense/by whom ?)
to shape into amphora ash
'shape' lacks a punch (as it were), why not 'grind'?
but 'amphora ash' is terrific.

...
and you heard me beg
just a suggestion;
and did you not hear me beg?
through lips swollen shut with
perhaps
through lips swollen shut, sealed
with truth-coloured...
truth-coloured candy stitches
'candy' seems rather anomalous.

Door open means kick down the house
let in the flood
I like this verse, but I don't get 'flood' in this context
(probably just me)
with bloated corpses rowing paper ferries
is it 'with' or 'of'? L3 doesn't seems to flow naturally out of L2
(what punctuation did you have in mind?)
past Charon's middle finger extended
do you need 'extended', it would seem to be strongly implied?
seven times circling Elysium

Drive out the me, possessed of
Not too keen of this line, how about
Drive out of me the one possessed
of clipped... ?
clipped pennies and vagrant dreams
sonically 'pennies' seems a bit weak.
And 'vagrant' lacks power.
and transfuse essence of god
(bit close to eye of newt)
the essence of god?
in whose image the sins of man
...all the sins of man ?
spiral endlessly to Samarkand

Hi Leanne,
really enjoyed this, some great images (some of which I might have understood), and the title fits perfectly.
I did wonder if you'd considered the order S3,S2,S4,S1? (Gives an interesting sequence of first lines)  Just a thought.

Best, Knot.

[Leanne]

Oh baby fuck me harder
til the blood comes out my mouth this line is made stronger by the later stitch reference.
for I am meat I think this line could be stronger, I've heard this comparison many times.
for your exalted hands -- these lines seem to be the most problematic in the poem, and I tend to agree.  I will address this in the edit.
to shape into amphora ash This is nice, but a little disconnected from the violence of the preceding.  
 
Don't wait to ask, I I don't see a purpose for this enjambment. -- just the I eye pun, because I am compelled to be ridiculous from time to time
invited you in with downcast eyes
and you heard me beg
through lips swollen shut with
truth-coloured candy stitches "swollen shut with stitches" - tied shut? Swollen is a better word, but doesn't really fit the stitches. -- I was trying to avoid internal punctuation but I think I shall need some commas. The lips are both swollen and stitched. 
 
Door open means kick down the house I like this line, I read it as a nice way of saying "beat up the slut".
let in the flood
with bloated corpses rowing paper ferries 
past Charon's middle finger extended middle finger extended could be an interesting penile reference. -- I didn't think of that, but it could, couldn't it? 
seven times circling Elysium
 
Drive out the me, possessed of
clipped pennies and vagrant dreams
and transfuse essence of god do "the me" possess the transfused essence of god? I think it should be "transfused" in that case. If they transfuse the essence of god, I think it could be more grammatically clear as well. -- again a comma will probably clear that up.  Transfuse is intended as a verb here
in whose image the sins of man
spiral endlessly to Samarkand  Interesting ending... 
 

There's a lot of ways this can be taken - just as a singular woman, or as Greek ideals (Elysium) vs Islamic (Samarkand), etc.

Many thanks.  I am most especially pleased that the metaphors are strong enough to work on several levels, as was intended. I will be using several of your suggestions in the edit.

[Leanne]

...
for I am meat
for your exalted hands
these last two lines seem comparatively weak,
'meat' is almost clichéd and without any religious significance. -- duly noted.  This will probably end up as some kind of mud/clay reference.
'exalted' (in what sense/by whom ?)
to shape into amphora ash
'shape' lacks a punch (as it were), why not 'grind'?
but 'amphora ash' is terrific.

...
and you heard me beg
just a suggestion;
and did you not hear me beg?
through lips swollen shut with
perhaps
through lips swollen shut, sealed
with truth-coloured...
truth-coloured candy stitches
'candy' seems rather anomalous. -- until you've been burned making toffee

Door open means kick down the house
let in the flood
I like this verse, but I don't get 'flood' in this context
(probably just me)
with bloated corpses rowing paper ferries
is it 'with' or 'of'? L3 doesn't seems to flow naturally out of L2
(what punctuation did you have in mind?) -- it's not a flood of corpses, it's a flood with corpses rowing on it -- I will be adding some punctuation now that I can see where people are having difficulty
past Charon's middle finger extended
do you need 'extended', it would seem to be strongly implied? -- yep, needs to be extended, both image-wise and for sonics. In traditional art, Charon beckons with an extended index finger.
seven times circling Elysium

Drive out the me, possessed of
Not too keen of this line, how about
Drive out of me the one possessed
of clipped... ? -- "the me" is distinct from the "me", separate from the image that the abuser/oppressor sees
clipped pennies and vagrant dreams
sonically 'pennies' seems a bit weak. -- historically, clipped pennies are debased -- and the vagrant is removed from society's sight
And 'vagrant' lacks power.
and transfuse essence of god
(bit close to eye of newt) -- your god is amphibious?
the essence of god?
in whose image the sins of man
...all the sins of man ?
spiral endlessly to Samarkand

Hi Leanne,
really enjoyed this, some great images (some of which I might have understood), and the title fits perfectly.
I did wonder if you'd considered the order S3,S2,S4,S1? (Gives an interesting sequence of first lines)  Just a thought.

Best, Knot.

Thanks Knot.  I think I'll leave the sequence alone as it's quite important to me, but I will take many of your comments into consideration for the edit.  I appreciate your time.

[Mopkins]

Oh baby fuck me harder(little less conversation little more action... howabout extending with a bit of fast furious frantic forever fervently fantastically ferociously)
til the blood comes out my mouth (eww blood?? something more delicious would do nicely - ambrosia honey dew soma kava opiates pychadelics)
for I am meat
for your exalted hands
to shape into amphora ash (hhmmm ash? maybe shape/scuplture/form/hollow/chalice/womb?)

Don't wait to ask, I
invited you in with downcast eyes (downcast? maybe submissive/willing/adoring/glazed/dilated/begging/pleading?)
and you heard me beg
through lips swollen shut with
truth-coloured candy stitches(oh the rainbow of truth - stuns one into silence)

Door open means kick down the house
let in the flood
with bloated corpses rowing paper ferries (whereabouts? silently sweeping down the styx? or such?)
past Charon's middle finger extended(on the palm awaiting payment?)
seven times circling Elysium (with holy dread and closed eyes?)

Drive out the me, possessed of
clipped pennies and vagrant dreams (huh? clipped pennies? wtf? clipped tickets/banknotes/passes/permission slips/invitations/passports/)
and transfuse essence of god
in whose image the sins of man
spiral endlessly to Samarkand

noice bit of fucking freely on ferries ta for the quick mental root

[Leanne]

Dear Mopkins,

I am pleased that you got an opportunity to masturbate over a thesaurus. That must have been very exciting for you.

Sincerely,
WTF

[QDeathstar]

Oh baby fuck me harder. Being dominated is a theme throughout this poem, but i don't think "oh baby" really fits. It's a little light or maybe snarky for the rest of the poem
til the blood comes out my mouth
for I am meat although i like the bluntness of "i am meat" it leaves the poem a little dry in terms of fresh imagery
for your exalted hands
to shape into amphora ash
 
Don't wait to ask, I
invited you in with downcast eyes
and you heard me beg
through lips swollen shut with
truth-coloured candy stitches the middle two stanzas are the strongest for me. I can't quite get the significance of candy stitches.
 
Door open means kick down the house
let in the flood
with bloated corpses rowing paper ferries
past Charon's middle finger extended
seven times circling Elysium I don't know about masturbating to thesauruses, but this stanza was orgasmic. Love the levels here
 
Drive out the me, possessed of
clipped pennies and vagrant dreams
and transfuse essence of god these last two lines are wordy. The pronounciations are soft, they don't sound good. They've dropped the blunt edge in the phrasing. Clipped pennies doesn't seem to make a lot of sense. do you mean it in th sense of a mis-stuck penny? vagrant dreams doesn't seem too difference from the sins of man, necessarily, but you've presented thoughts that assume they are opposites.
in whose image the sins of man
spiral endlessly to Samarkand
 

[Leanne]

Oh baby fuck me harder. Being dominated is a theme throughout this poem, but i don't think "oh baby" really fits. It's a little light or maybe snarky for the rest of the poem
til the blood comes out my mouth
for I am meat although i like the bluntness of "i am meat" it leaves the poem a little dry in terms of fresh imagery
for your exalted hands
to shape into amphora ash -- I think I'll just end up removing this entire stanza and writing another intro to the next 
 
Don't wait to ask, I
invited you in with downcast eyes
and you heard me beg
through lips swollen shut with
truth-coloured candy stitches the middle two stanzas are the strongest for me. I can't quite get the significance of candy stitches.
 
Door open means kick down the house
let in the flood
with bloated corpses rowing paper ferries
past Charon's middle finger extended
seven times circling Elysium I don't know about masturbating to thesauruses, but this stanza was orgasmic. Love the levels here
 
Drive out the me, possessed of
clipped pennies and vagrant dreams
and transfuse essence of god these last two lines are wordy. The pronounciations are soft, they don't sound good. They've dropped the blunt edge in the phrasing. Clipped pennies doesn't seem to make a lot of sense. do you mean it in th sense of a mis-stuck penny? vagrant dreams doesn't seem too difference from the sins of man, necessarily, but you've presented thoughts that assume they are opposites. -- Clipped pennies are debased coins, so the wording is very important.  I will rethink vagrant dreams, as it's not enough to just say "I know what I mean".
in whose image the sins of man
spiral endlessly to Samarkand
 

Awesome critique Q, thank you

[Knot]

Hi Leanne

truth-coloured candy stitches
- until you've been burned making toffee
Ah, cultural difference, didn't know Australia was a 'candy' country.

past Charon's middle finger extended
-- yep, needs to be extended, both image-wise and for sonics. In traditional art, Charon beckons with an extended index finger.
Yes, I understood the 'mythic' finger image, just didn't think 'extended' was that strong (did you consider elongated or similar?)

clipped pennies and vagrant dreams
-- historically, clipped pennies are debased
Quite. The currency debasement was clear, what I thought weak was 'pennies' - why not obol or denarii or rupaya, etc,?

and transfuse essence of god
-- your god is amphibious?
Do you dare mock Colin the Toad Lord?
"Eye of newt, essence of god,
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,
Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting,
Lizard's leg, and howlet's wing,--
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble."

I note you say you considering replacing S1, just a small plea to preserve 'amphora ash', really liked that.

Best, Knot.

[Leanne]

[Image: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/ori...063129.jpg]

I checked on the x-rays -- it's definitely extended, not elongated .  I will not be moved on that one.

Similarly, the penny is universal enough that it doesn't bind the poem to a particular time and place.  Not only that, but everyone knows what a penny is -- I don't want to interrupt the flow by sending people scampering off to Google other obscure currencies.  That's not the focus.  Clarity of language, layers of meaning.  

I chose candy for the same reason -- to not confuse Americans.  It's a challenge, I'll admit 

[Knot]

I yield

(Though 'coins' for 'pennies' would work well I think)

Best, Knot

[QDeathstar]

Leanne, clipped penny isn't clear at all. No one clips pennies, no one ever did. Clipped pennies google search returns pennies that are worth more because they are mis-struck. I would reconsider, there are some very widely known ancient coins where it makes more sense.

[Leanne]

Ah yes, knowledgeable Google.  Fine, I'll probably just use "coin".

Although "no one ever did" is not a reason -- clipped coins were mostly precious metals.  A penny is copper and hence barely worth anything, so debasing something already deemed worthless is an act of viciousness rather than one that makes any reasonable sense.  Just like raping a prostitute, or your wife.  Which is the same thing to many men, it would seem.  I didn't feel like explaining that because I assumed that I have an intelligent readership who might also give me credit for knowing what I'm doing.

But I suppose you all assume I use a word accidentally and then stick by it for no reason other than it's what I picked first, right?

[QDeathstar]

Pennies aren't made from copper I appreciate what you are trying to mean, but it doesn't work. A clipped penny isn't debased, it's prized. A clipped penny is worth 300 to 500 times it's face value.

[Leanne]

Australian pennies -- pre decimal currency in 1966 -- were comprised 97% copper, 2.5% zinc, 0.5% tin.  UK pennies were much the same, until 1992. But hey, what would I know?  And even with a planchet error, they're practically worthless.

[vagabond]

Australian pennies -- pre decimal currency in 1966 -- were comprised 97% copper, 2.5% zinc, 0.5% tin.  UK pennies were much the same, until 1992. But hey, what would I know?  And even with a planchet error, they're practically worthless.

the association to worthless is the reason why i hope you keep the word "penny".
it´s a great poem and maybe i ll spoil this thread with my subjective interpretation sometime later.

[Leanne]

Thanks Christine -- maybe it's a chick thing. Takes a woman to know how worthless women really are.

[QDeathstar]

The new first stanza is a major improvement. It reinforces and clarifies the poem. I think by merging the two stanzas as you did in the edit you loose some of the violence and brutality.

Don't wait to ask, I
invited you in with downcast eyes
and you heard me beg
through lips swollen shut with
truth-coloured candy stitches

really paints a picture that the edit lacks.

[Leanne]

Agreed. I actually really hate most of the edit - it feels generic now. Not at all what I was trying to achieve.