Push

[Persadia]

Push

Curl up

Protect yourself
Your head
Your Heart
your Being

The onslaught

Push forward
one step

Each moment a lost one

Nothing to sink into
Nothing to become

The torrent continues

Breathe.  Recall the Reason

But death, ever present.  cutting

Each moment a thief
stealing your soul
steeling your soul

[Lizzie]

The main opportunity I see for you here is to include more metaphor/simile/imagery. There's not much in the way of poetic technique that I can see. You have time/mortality personified as a thief, but the metaphor is not expanded or explored. This is where I would begin for a revision, showing the drama through specific imagery.

Hope this helps,

Lizzie

[vagabond]

 Push

Curl up

Protect yourself      i think this is just another way to say curl up (and curl up is stronger if not repeated).. am also not sure what the following 3 lines add, especially "Being"
Your head
Your Heart
your Being

The onslaught            which onslaught?

Push forward                when and especially why did the subject get up and decide to push instead of curl up?
one step

Each moment a lost one         

Nothing to sink into            don´t know if "sink into" should mean "be surrounded and protected by something"..  first i thought it meant "nothing to dissolve into" but that would be an illogical statement
Nothing to become                

The torrent continues             ..see onslaught

Breathe.  Recall the Reason                      one tiny example of a reason would suffice to drag me into the poem much more than a capitalized, anonymous Reason.

But death, ever present.  cutting                  you might do more with cutting.. like cutting bit by bit or write slicing (like you slice a loaf of bread.. til it´s gone)

Each moment a thief                  
stealing your soul
steeling your soul                 soul is a vague idea, i think it is not so much affected by time as the body.. not sure about moments being thieves.. the dead don´t get any more moments, so to the living they have the potential to be presents.
.. a wild guess would be that your poem is about purpose, motivation,...  the lack thereof can really in a way "steal your soul" (though maybe it is more like wasting away than being taken away by some outside force)
please don´t mind my notes too much.. i probably often get too extensive and assume too much when doing a crit.

[alonso ramoran]

Hi Persadia! Welcome to the forum

Ideas here such as onslaught, the Reason, and death are used within such few lines that do almost nothing to contribute to those ideas. I'd suggest expanding on these ideas to keep it from becoming a generic work. You started getting specific towards the end with "each moment a thief", and although I'd go with "is a thief", I would enjoy seeing where you take that concept. Good luck with the piece.

Best, Alex

[homer1950]

Hello Persadia some thoughts thank you for the nice read

Push

Curl up

It appears you want to create a rolling dynamic with the following lines

I'm not sure it works in that; Head, Heart and Being are not projecting the strength you are wanting. Those words as you have them here fall flat for me. 

Protect yourself - 
Your head 
Your Heart
your Being 


The onslaught - Perhaps this line is better suited to come earlier after "Curl up" 

Push forward
one step

Each moment a lost one- Each moment a vanished one?

Nothing to sink into - Again here I am not feeling the urgency of these lines.
Nothing to become

The torrent continues- Tempest? A tempest is like a hurricane a torrent is like and undertow 


Breathe.  Recall the Reason- As the reader I feel like I missed something

But death, ever present.  cutting

Each moment a thief
stealing your soul
steeling your soul

[bloated_corpse]

Push

Curl up

Protect yourself
Your head
Your Heart
your Being

The onslaught

Push forward
one step

Each moment a lost one

Nothing to sink into
Nothing to become

The torrent continues

Breathe.  Recall the Reason

But death, ever present.  cutting

Each moment a thief
stealing your soul
steeling your soul

This is a good poem with lots of good words and images that show how well the poem hangs together with a coherent style. I think it is probably a religious poem because you talk about the soul at the end. But you spell "stealing" wrong right at the end so thats' a bit of a negative bit. it also reminded me of something like a car accident and this girl is in the middle of a car accident and seeing her life flashing before her eyes. And I suppose that is why its called push. Like "remember to push your seatbelt in" or something like that from the adverts. But also its like a metaphor aswell for life and we are going to atually die one day anyway. And a car crash is like all of life shrunk into a little bit of time.
#i liked read it @Persadia

[Persadia]

Thank you everyone for the positive, constructive feedback and encouragement.

It seems my penchant for brevity and being mysterious have thwarted my first-try at writing a poem.

I was going to include a sub-title, "Corporate Life", but thought that would give too much away.  
Seems I could've included it to help the reader, and my cause.  

I have a lot to learn about poetry!

"Push"
Curl up - picture an adult in fetal position in response to massive, repeated abuses, in complete despair

Protect yourself 
Your head
Your Heart
your Being - This entire stanza is meant to portray the idea of having to protect one's entire being, physically (nervous system), emotionally, mentally 

The onslaught - is meant to portray the constant demands and lack of respect and consideration.

Push forward 
one step - This stanza is what I do to move past (stay alive in) those moments of overwhelm

Each moment a lost one - Feeling lack of meaningful work
Nothing to sink into - represents feeling a lack of engagement, lack of challenging, interesting work (related to above line)
Nothing to become - absence of creative work (also related to above line)

The torrent continues - It feels never-ending / non-stop (could change this to a different word)

Breathe.  Recall the Reason - a coping mechanism to remind myself why I'm here doing what I'm doing

But death, ever present.  cutting - Death here really is a metaphor for Corporate culture (how it feels to me), death by 1,000 cuts

Each moment a thief
stealing your soul
steeling your soul - This stanza is a continuation of the metaphor and the results of living with "death" always near, threatening my soul.

@bloated_corpse - the two different spellings of stealing/steeling was intentional, to communicate multiple ideas: first, robbery of the soul; second, preparing to deal with something difficult; and/or hardening the soul, growing a thick skin, or becoming callous.

[Lizzie]

There's obviously a lot of meaning and detail behind your words that isn't coming through, and I believe it's because you're telling us about emotion and not showing it (although, in some places, it doesn't seem that you're showing or telling). It's difficult for me to explain, so I'll give you some links to people who do explain it well. Hope this helps you some.

Show Not Tell: What the Heck is that Anyway?

Show, Don't (Just) Tell

---

Sensory/Descriptive

[nibbed]

Push                                                 Not sure if the title fits

Curl up                                               an exclamation point might work here                             

Protect yourself                                   a colon?
Your head
Your Heart
your Being                                                     why the mix of capitals, why no punctuation?

The onslaught                                    

Push forward
one step

Each moment a lost one

Nothing to sink into
Nothing to become

The torrent continues

Breathe.  Recall the Reason                              

But death, ever present.  cutting                          not sure cutting fits, perhaps imposing?

Each moment a thief
stealing your soul
steeling your soul                                                          this is where the contradiction works.

The curling up made me think of an armadillo or a rolley-polley bug. Forgive me for the hodge-podge format, I worried I wouldn't be able to fit all I may need to. The poem lacks proper punct and capitalization.The meter seems fine, though. I looked up the word steeling because I was thinking metal,  but now it fits nicely. I wondered if you were aiming for minimalism. I'm going to check out Lizzie's suggestion to the links, too, because I am sure it will be a blessing.

-nibbed

[vagabond]

Thank you everyone for the positive, constructive feedback and encouragement.

It seems my penchant for brevity and being mysterious have thwarted my first-try at writing a poem.

I was going to include a sub-title, "Corporate Life", but thought that would give too much away.  
Seems I could've included it to help the reader, and my cause.  

I have a lot to learn about poetry!

"Push"
Curl up - picture an adult in fetal position in response to massive, repeated abuses, in complete despair

Protect yourself 
Your head
Your Heart
your Being - This entire stanza is meant to portray the idea of having to protect one's entire being, physically (nervous system), emotionally, mentally 

The onslaught - is meant to portray the constant demands and lack of respect and consideration.

Push forward 
one step - This stanza is what I do to move past (stay alive in) those moments of overwhelm

Each moment a lost one - Feeling lack of meaningful work
Nothing to sink into - represents feeling a lack of engagement, lack of challenging, interesting work (related to above line)
Nothing to become - absence of creative work (also related to above line)

The torrent continues - It feels never-ending / non-stop (could change this to a different word)

Breathe.  Recall the Reason - a coping mechanism to remind myself why I'm here doing what I'm doing

But death, ever present.  cutting - Death here really is a metaphor for Corporate culture (how it feels to me), death by 1,000 cuts

Each moment a thief
stealing your soul
steeling your soul - This stanza is a continuation of the metaphor and the results of living with "death" always near, threatening my soul.

@bloated_corpse - the two different spellings of stealing/steeling was intentional, to communicate multiple ideas: first, robbery of the soul; second, preparing to deal with something difficult; and/or hardening the soul, growing a thick skin, or becoming callous.

hi persadia! maybe your explanation is the best critique you can ever receive if you try to incorporate it in your poem
i like the topic of that poem.

[tony3]

I like the ending. Play on steeling/stealing is really nice. I'd like to see the rest of the poem filled with metaphors as opposed to descriptions.

Good job.

[Achebe]

Push

Curl up

Protect yourself
Your head
Your Heart
your Being

The onslaught

Push forward
one step

Each moment a lost one

Nothing to sink into
Nothing to become

The torrent continues

Breathe.  Recall the Reason

But death, ever present.  cutting

Each moment a thief
stealing your soul
steeling your soul

Hi Persadia - this is very teen angsty. There are no poetic devices in evidence here, just a lot of cliched sentiment. I would suggest that you read Colin Ward's poetry tips to get started.

[GVBOY1966]

I'm new here.  Like "Martha, you can still smell the leather steering wheel!"  So with that disclaimer, please excuse my prose in advance.

Thank you for sharing.  I read your poem a number of times trying to imagine the scene and feel the emotion; the emotions behind the words you lovingly laid down.  Try as might however, I couldn't "see" or "feel" you. I saw the words but they didn't have any emotion for me.  So my overall comment is about the need for imagery and the need to instill emotion in the reader.

Having said that, I saw some things that caught my attention and I really liked at the end.

Push

Curl up

Protect yourself
Your head
Your Heart
your Being

The onslaught

Push forward
one step

Each moment a lost one

Nothing to sink into
Nothing to become

The torrent continues

Breathe.  Recall the Reason

But death, ever present.  cutting

Each moment a thief <-- I liked this like and the two following
stealing your soul <-- Steal and Steel. Ah!  There is some of the imagery I was seeking
steeling your soul

[Bloodline]

Push

Curl up

Protect yourself
Your head
Your Heart
your Being
(I like how you've structured the beginning, this creates a strong structure as you've used the repetition of 'your' to build that shape.)

The onslaught (your technique here seems to be getting more for less, you've narrowed the possibilities of the piece, setting the stage for a strong finish which I will get into later.)

Push forward
one step
(same as before)

Each moment a lost one
(powerful use of lost, your syntax is so far thrilling to read, why? I think it's due to the way you have structured it using less words for a more sinister effect)

Nothing to sink into
Nothing to become

The torrent continues

Breathe.  Recall the Reason
(powerful and precise)

But death, ever present.  cutting
(I like the use of cutting, which is an action a thief would be well versed in.)
Each moment a thief
stealing your soul
steeling your soul
(like previously stated, finished off with effective imagery, I like the play on words here, the entire piece is very well structured it's beyond my knowledge how to improve it, I just felt like giving praise where it was due, I read it a few times, and you've written a good poem with subtlety and flavour.)

[Mopkins]

some butterflies that flitted past whilst perusing ur poem


"Push"
Curl up - (hmmm considered 'like ourobus/encircle yourself..' in order to stay consistent to the theme of mortality and its inevitable abuses by our brethren, to whom we submit attempting to rediscover the rhythm of existence)

Protect yourself
Your head ( caps needs conformation here)
Your Heart
your Being -
(pretty happy with the narcissism inherit in this cannibal's dinner simmering away here - you you you)

The onslaught. (needs a tense to clarify when this onslaught blossomed into being, maybe' the onslaught is onmipotent/eternal/timeless/infinite' in keeping with the ineffable big stick god smacks sinners with)

Push forward
one step -

Each moment a lost one -
Nothing to sink into -
Nothing to become -

(maybe needs extra mental pics, like' nothing to ascend into, nothing to sink into, nothing to be, nothing to become')

The torrent continues - (wondering about appropriate use of torrent, most usually interpreted as a under-tow in a rip likely to haul you out to sea to drown alone, or more commonly as downloadable data, consider 'deluge', or 'suffocation/asphyxiation, depravation./degradation, decomposition/decaying/, other words indicative of suffering or suffocation or being the star of your lovers snuff movie)

Breathe. Recall the Reason -

But death, ever present. cutting - (cutting? sounds a bit emo and certifiable tbh, i'd consider other words such as 'creeping' 'crawling', lurking', 'leering', 'fatalistic', 'haunting' 'chasing/pursuing' etc for more vids on the mindscreen)
Each moment a thief (maybe replace 'thief' with 'is taxed'/'is stolen'/'is snatched'/'is debited/decreased/degraded/decayed/decomposed/rotting etc - although the idea of a shiva-type god recycling you illicitly is pretty sinister and lurking)
stealing your soul
steeling your soul -


pretty groovy man, but needs a music video of symbols.metaphors/imagery of some kind to explain the hallucination behind the inspired nihilism the piece perhaps preaches) liked it lots

[Psychonyxx]

I like opening lines.
And i like last lines too. Good use of word play.

When you read poem as a whole, you can feel the sense of power, vibration, the might of being, etc.
But upon closer inspection many stanzas lack meaning especially that "the onslaught part"
I think you can polish the middle part more. Make them them more coherent. Make them portray something bigger.

The onslaught (of what)(who onslaught you, is it time or inactivity)

Push forward
one step (ok against time right?)

Each moment a lost one

Nothing to sink into
Nothing to become (When i read as a whole i kind of understand it but when i read it separately i dont understand)

The torrent continues (ok torrent=time)

Breathe. Recall the Reason (Now why did you fight in the beginning)
But death, ever present. cutting.


This poem is more of pointillism. I like it though. It kind of vibrate certain kind of strength. Strong.

[Rorf Asalis]

Your metaphor doesn't work very succesfully in my opinion. In any way one could think of anything that deteriorates for and from onslaught, but I chose to think of the obvious.
I find a common idea here with you because some time ago I also called real death thief, "....thief death, you are stealing our things..." I said, and also ".....we wane breadth by breadth..." I'll post this here too as elsewhere, with title Time is on the other side. So I feel related but at the same time distant. What I wouldn't say, is "Each moment a lost one" that's too much, because many moments are so pleasant that we forget completly that we wane. 
In my opinion you have more than basic poetic skills because words flow pleasantly and also there's plenty of mysterious figures of speech to let the reader use imagination, as in, "The torrent continues" or "Breathe.  Recall the Reason"

 

[ritwiksadhu33]

Push

Curl up

Protect yourself
Your head
Your Heart
your Being

The onslaught

Push forward
one step

Each moment a lost one

Nothing to sink into
Nothing to become

The torrent continues

Breathe.  Recall the Reason

But death, ever present.  cutting

Each moment a thief
stealing your soul
steeling your soul

This poem reads like a staccato burst of reflex reactions of the mind - indeed, lines with haphazard indents is a technique that might work well with it. "Stealing your soul" is a bit of a clichéd phrase though, and saying it twice does not make it less of one. As such, you might want to work on the ending, although changing it entirely might detract from the central idea that conceived the poem.

[therabbitisme]

I like the abruptness of your lines. However, while it is clear that you are trying to create a "battle" between the different perspectives, the turn is sharp. It might be to better effect if you were to slowly transition into the grim side, rather than suddenly "losing hope".

[gconrad]

Hi, I'm new to this so excuse me if I'm incorrect. 
Your quote from Gabrielle Union led me to believe that this is a metaphor, perhaps for a fight, or fighting, or professional boxing, something like that. 

In a fight, you have to, put your hands up; Curl up.
You always have to protect yourself not only in fighting situations, but any moment in life where we may feel threatened.
The onslaught, the attack, stepping forward. You are pushing into your opponent.
In a fight, match or in life you can never regain the minute that has passed.
You can't retreat, you can't pretend, you are present, you prepared for this, you are this, you have become.
The quick moving battle; of life, with life, life continues.
Athletes breath, people breath, remember what you're fighting for, your purpose.
Death is always a possibility, it shouldn't be a surprise, it may be part of the thrill.
Each moment in a fight and in life, like the line earlier, each moment is lost, stolen by time.
Stealing your mortality little by little, hardening your warm, soft, loving soul through the sufferings of life. With each blow in a fight, hardening. 
I enjoyed reading and analyzing what you may have meant.
Thanks.

Push

Curl up

Protect yourself
Your head
Your Heart
your Being

The onslaught

Push forward
one step

Each moment a lost one

Nothing to sink into
Nothing to become

The torrent continues

Breathe.  Recall the Reason

But death, ever present.  cutting

Each moment a thief
stealing your soul
steeling your soul