A handful of dirt

[Keith]

My white shirt wouldn't fasten at the kneck
so I filled the gap with a large black knott
It should have just been a glance
across a crowded bar, a nod to the wise
and a pint half raised.
We were never any good with words.

A mound of fake grass masks the reality
of freshly dug earth. You’ve been hiding
while the word spread, flowers darkened
and everyone who knew you was your friend.

Finally you arrive, I think of fulcrums
and moments as little Joey shoulders
all your weight again. I don’t recognise you
as they speak of a child becoming a young man,
but I can see you glisten in your mothers eyes.

Later we’ll bring you back to life
with good whisky and songs, sell each other stories
of how it always was with you.
I’ll see you across the crowded bar, raise my glass
and you’ll know
we were never any good with words.

[Todd]

Hi Keith, a couple comments. 

You handle narrative well. I get drawn in easily.

Wonderful title. It's visual and establishes what's going on immediately.

It would have been a glance across a crowded bar,
a nod to the wise and a pint half raised.
We were never any good with words.

A mound of fake grass masks the reality --personal preference but I'm not fond of grass/masks.
of freshly dug earth. You’ve been hiding
while the word spread, flowers darkened--flowers darkened is lovely phrasing
and everyone who knew you was your friend.--makes the was poignant. Nice tight character sketch.

Finally you arrive, I think of fulcrums--like fulcrums as a break and specific word choice.
and moments as little Joey shoulders
all your weight again. I don’t recognise you--would it be all? surely 1/6th though metaphorically if a son maybe all.
as they speak of a child becoming a young man,--prefer events rather than summary of time passing. Events hold emotive power summary robs it of power.
but I can see you glisten in your mothers eyes.-- mother's. It's a bit sentimental but I like it.

Later we’ll bring you back to life--Good break on the line though I might like this line to be the end line of the previous strophe to give the grief a moment to settle before the white space. I would like the "later" to exist wholly below this line.
with good whisky and songs, sell each other stories--typo: whiskey. Did you mean "tell" rather than sell. Again this is pushing toward summary. Reminding each other of one point and then summarizing might hold more emotive strength.
of how it always was with you.
I’ll see you across the crowded bar, raise my glass
and you’ll know we were never good with words.

Hope the comments help. It's a good start.

Best,

Todd

[Knot]

Hi Keith,
a simple, effective and affecting piece, with a really good opening
(though just the one 't' in 'knot')
I like the sentiment of L3-6, but I don't quite get how they follow on from the opening.
It reads like there's a line missing.  Are they strictly necessary?

'A mound of fake grass...' feels a bit overwritten
(though I like the detail of 'fake grass'), perhaps;
fake grass hides freshly dug earth
You've been [I don't think 'hiding' works (not so close to 'hides') -
you could perhaps reference where 'you' was,
a particular room or funeral parlour for instance]
I think there should be a full-stop after 'darkened',
then start the next sentence without the 'and'.

I think the third stanza is a little crowded and could be developed into two.
'glisten...' (or perhaps 'glistening') is a nice line.

I think you  could tighten the final stanza a bit, as in:
Later we’ll bring you back to life
with good whisky and songs,
tell each other stories, I’ll see you
across the crowded bar, raise my glass
[knowing] we were never good with words.

Best, Knot

[Wjames]

My white shirt wouldn't fasten at the kneck
so I filled the gap with a large black knott Should there be a period here?
It should have just been a glance Even if there were a period there, I don't like the way this line and the preceding connect. 
across a crowded bar, a nod to the wise
and a pint half raised.
We were never any good with words.

A mound of fake grass masks the reality
of freshly dug earth. You’ve been hiding
while the word spread, flowers darkened
and everyone who knew you was your friend. Nice line breaks in this stanza. I had to squint at first, but nice images of a grave site and a funeral.

Finally you arrive, I think of fulcrums
and moments as little Joey shoulders
all your weight again. I don’t recognise you
as they speak of a child becoming a young man,
but I can see you glisten in your mothers eyes. Wonderful.

Later we’ll bring you back to life
with good whisky and songs, sell each other stories I don't like "sell", but I wouldn't like "tell" here either. hmmm...
of how it always was with you.
I’ll see you across the crowded bar, raise my glass
and you’ll know we were never good with words. Solid ending, a funeral is a time to celebrate a life.

I enjoyed this a lot. The first stanza tripped me up a bit though, I think you could improve it.

[Keith]

@ Todd, really helpful comments, this isnt working hard enough for me and you helped me to see the roots of the problem. also no one has said it but its close to cliche in many places.
@Knot, thanks for the feedback you make some good points and I will consider them all in the edit.
@Wjames, again good pointers that pick out the weak spots, all good stuff for the edit. Many thanks Keith

[Linda]

Hi Keith, I'm new to this site and have been reading.  Saw this piece and admire a poem that speaks of death without sentimentality.

 
My white shirt wouldn't fasten at the kneck.............neck spelled Kneck?............I pause at this opening  
so I filled the gap with a large black knott..................and feel the poem should start at....it should have just been a glance
It should have just been a glance
across a crowded bar, a nod to the wise
and a pint half raised.
We were never any good with words.

A mound of fake grass masks the reality ...........love how you denote a funeral
of freshly dug earth. You’ve been hiding
while the word spread, flowers darkened...............and also these 2 lines
and everyone who knew you was your friend.

Finally you arrive, I think of fulcrums
and moments as little Joey shoulders ......................maybe....as your son
all your weight again. I don’t recognise you
as they speak of a child becoming a young man,
but I can see you glisten in your mothers eyes..........see you glistening 

Later we’ll bring you back to life
with good whisky and songs, sell each other stories,................... perfect as is... but sell? not tell
of how it always was with you................................................a line break here for the last two
I’ll see you across the crowded bar, raise my glass
and you’ll know we were never good with words.

......................................................................................Lovely.......Linda

[Keith]

Thank you for your comments Linda, I will use the in the edit. Best Keith

[dedalus87]

Hi Keith,

I really enjoyed this one. As I mention in the detailed comments below, I really liked the melancholic mood of the poem. There were many words and images that built on that: the nod across the crowded bar, the child becoming a young man while the speaker watches, the glistening in the mother's eyes.

My white shirt wouldn't fasten at the kneck
so I filled the gap with a large black knott I don’t like the first two lines. They describe the speaker, but I don’t get much from that, and it’s never really expanded upon.
It should have just been a glance Nice phrasing that sets up some intrigue.
across a crowded bar, a nod to the wise
and a pint half raised.
We were never any good with words.
I think the third verse would make for a much stronger start to the poem. It jumps right into it, and sets up the mood. There’s a beautiful loneliness to the speaker inside a crowded bar that’s suggested which I really like.

A mound of fake grass masks the reality
of freshly dug earth. You’ve been hiding
while the word spread, flowers darkened
and everyone who knew you was your friend. This verse seems off to me. Words spread, flowers darkened, and something did something else is my expectation when reading it. As it is, it seems kind of unsatisfactory.

Finally you arrive, I think of fulcrums
and moments as little Joey shoulders
all your weight again. I don’t recognise you recognize?
as they speak of a child becoming a young man,
but I can see you glisten in your mothers eyes. I enjoyed this image. One interpretation I gave was the speaker looking into the eyes of the guy and seeing his mother’s eyes. It fits in well with the overall mood.

Later we’ll bring you back to life
with good whisky and songs, sell each other stories Good whisky sounds a bit cliché to me here. How about old whisky. It also adds a little more to the melancholy and nostalgia of the whole poem, I think. I like the phrase “sell each other stories” as opposed to tell
of how it always was with you. I also like "and sell" instead of sell and having the line break after other
I’ll see you across the crowded bar, raise my glass
and you’ll know we were never good with words.

[Keith]

@dedalus87 Thank you kindly for the feedback some good points for me to work with. I feel the edit is beconing, my re-reads of this allow me too see how much borderline cliche there is in it. Thanks again Keith