Something about you

[nibbed]

Hi Achebe. How should I pronounce your name? I must know because I speak in my mind when I write and it would make things smoother. Is it Ache-bee long vowel A? Anywho, your poem is amazing. It is a beautiful poem that makes me see pastel blues and lavender and yellow greens all soft and lovely things. Like breathing fresh air, or finding an escape away, into peace and calm.


Something about you
this morning, with the roses
blown delicately in the early winter
gardens, came to my mind.
My thoughts have nothing to do but amble,                           ~I like this and how it sticks out.
on a dawn bus ride
past backyard and bramble,
through a fog bound city,
its blackened brick walls
left behind.                                                                             ~this was the only line I didn't like, only because it was by itself.
Something about it, this morning, in the gardens                      and reminded me of the Left Behind Series, which I really dislike
came to mind.                                                                           for it's wolfen contents. I can't unsee it when I read the poem.
                                                                                                 So, I see a spiritual filth and deception when I see those two words.
                                                                                                 It dirties up the beauty of mystery.



thank you kindly for a wonderful, thought provoking, read.

nibbed

[Lydish]

Something about you
this morning, with the roses
blown delicately in the early winter
gardens, came to my mind.
My thoughts have nothing to do but amble,
on a dawn bus ride
past backyard and bramble,
through a fog bound city,
its blackened brick walls
left behind.
Something about it, this morning, in the gardens
came to mind.

I'm not sure if this is what you meant, but what I got out of this is someone's beloved died in the blackened (bombed, if meant literally, but also just sad/left behind?) city and they're mourning both. I wonder what the significance of it being roses is, or if it's just the image you had in your head at the time. Both would be lovely. Some niggles I had with a the lines I bolded:

- "Blown delicately" stood out to me as the only line that didn't roll off the tongue easily. I think 1) because "delicately" is a long word compared to the others you use, and 2) because "blown delicately" is weird phrasing to me? I wonder if there's another way to phrase this line with two or one syllable words? Also, it's not clear to me whether you mean the petals are sifted or whether it's the whole roses waving in the wind. So could go for something more specific in the wording. (nitpicking a bit too, because the poem as a whole is very well thought out)

- On a second read, I noticed that you can't amble while /on/ a bus ride. Your bus ride can be ambling, or you can amble towards the bus or after the bus...

- I would probably line break after "something about it," since it seems like you're trying to parallel with the first few lines. Might've just been a typo.

Overall, I really love this poem and have read it over and over. Concise but specific and meaningful.

Is your username a reference to Chinua Achebe, btw? ;-)

[Achebe]

Thanks, nibbed and Lydish.
Nibbed - it's Achee-bay, I think. It' not really my name, just a nick. And yes, it's after Chinua Achebe (Lydish). I wasn't aware of the Left Behind series, it appears to be a futuristic story based on Christian mythology. I don't quite know what to make of it, it appears to be rather idiotic, unless it is meant to be ironic or purely fantastical, but I don't think its target readership understands irony. It's good that you dislike it!

Lydish - 'blow' is an archaic form of 'bloom' eg. '...and up and down the people go / gazing where the lilies blow...' (Tennyson, The Lady of Shallott). 'Blown delicately' has the assonance that I am aiming for and the syllable count is intentional. Perhaps you're reading it differently? I don't know.
On the second point - the thoughts are ambling while the thinker is on a bus. I think there is a bit of residual ambiguity in that it's not perfectly clear whether the ambling thoughts are about ("on") a bus ride rather than coming to the thinker who's on a bus ride. I think that's going to remain now.
The second last line, again, is intended to be of that length. The lines above represent a gradual contraction, and in this one there's a sudden expansion. It has a certain sonic effect. My intent is not to 'mirror' the first line, which would be a bit trite in my view.
Thanks for your detailed crit. Much appreciated.

[nibbed]

Hi Achebe. I like your pronounciation much better than the one I was using. It seems cleaner, more orderly. Thanks for telling me. I don't like the Left Behind series because it takes lovely poetic Scripture, twists and deliberately leads people into directions and thoughts that may not be so accurate and so folks walk away with tunnel vision, void of the Holy Spirit speaking truth. Though Left Behind is only fiction, it's one of those things that cheapens faith through profit. Still, I guess many people enjoy it, but I don't.

I did wonder something else about your poem, though! 


Something about you                                                 
this morning, with the roses
blown delicately in the early winter                                 -I read regret here, more a softer regret, though
gardens, came to my mind.
My thoughts have nothing to do but amble,                
on a dawn bus ride                                                        -great metaphor, better than just "at dawn".
past backyard and bramble,
through a fog bound city,                                              -fog bound, another great metaphor for chained in darkness
its blackened brick walls                                                  -why were the walls blackened, shouldn't it be darkened?
left behind.                                                                      I guess when I think of city walls, I think of graffiti, have the walls been covered so an artist
Something about it, this morning, in the gardens             cannot paint? It really seemed to complete my thoughts about Left Behind!
came to mind.



Beautiful poem!
Thanks again for a wonderful
thought provoking read.
It actually blessed me in a special way
and made me remember something
important.

nibbed

[Achebe]

Surer than sense, your power,
presence in flood 
and flower, through too long a life
returning to you,

and waiting to see the misty morning 
sky twilit like purple
petals falling,

to fall into you,
sweet rose of the world,
ineffable scent
dearer than life,
and surer than sense.

[Knot]

Nice mood piece, wistful, melancholic.  Works for me.
Some suggestions.
L3. Should this not be 'blowing'?  They are the roses N is seeing 'this morning' aren't they?
L4. Do you need 'my'?
L5. You might consider shortening this line (My thoughts amble).
Personally I stumble a bit going from 'amble' to 'ride', would L6 work without 'ride'?
L9. I don't think you need 'its' here.
I don't find the last two lines that convincing. Would they still work as;
This morning, in the gardens,
something came to mind.  ?

Best, Knot

[Achebe]

Hi knot - thanks for reading and commenting