Second Edit: Kings Road

[Richard]

Second Edit:

Kings Road

They repaved this road
since the last time
I visited.
Now the drive leaving home is smooth
as a promise in an election year.

But that fresh pavement
is like the face of a gravestone,
the yellow line an epitaph
for future generations.


First Edit:

Kings Road

they repaved this road
since the last time
i visited
now the drive leaving home is smooth
as a promise in an election year

but that fresh pavement
is like the face of a gravestone
the yellow line an epitaph
reminding
future generations
where they'll go

Original:

Kings Road

they repaved this road
since the last time
i visited
now the drive leaving home is smooth
as a promise in an election year

but that fresh pavement
is like the face of a gravestone
the yellow line an epitaph
that will inspire
future generations

[ellajam]

Hi, Richard, well done. For me the lower case i seems small for an I who just had such a big thought. Some notes:

Kings Road

they repaved this road
since the last time
i visited
now the drive leaving home is smooth
as a promise in an election year
Visited vs home is a stopper, a bit awkward though it is a concise way to say I used  to live there. I'm not sure if a change would help or hurt. Love the simile, as fresh as the promises are stale.


but that fresh pavement
is like the face of a gravestone
the yellow line an epitaph
that will inspire I think "that will" is something to think about, it just seems a bit wishy-washy compared to the definitiveness (not a word it seems) of the rest of the piece.
future generations

I'm enjoying this, thanks for posting.

[Richard]

Hey ellajam,
Thanks for the feedback. Consistency in my wording is something I've been working on since I joined this site, so I greatly appreciate the suggestion about the second last line.

Thanks again,
Richard

[nibbed]

Kings Road

they repaved this road
since the last time
i visited
now the drive leaving home is smooth
as a promise in an election year                                                 good one

but that fresh pavement                                                              
is like the face of a gravestone
the yellow line an epitaph                                                            yellow, troubling
that will inspire
future generations



Hi Richard.
Who are the future generations?
Traffic cops?
Can the yellow line mean something else,
drawing a line, perhaps, crossing it?
Good poem.
I went in a few directions with it.
Thank you,

janine

[Richard]

Hey nibbed,
Thanks for your feedback. At the risk of sounding pretentious, I always enjoy reading interpretations of my poems. My intention with the last stanza was to show how the speaker's home town is dead through the gravestone simile, and when I say dead, I mean economically. Because of this, the last three lines were supposed to indicate that future generations will have to do the same as the speaker and leave home.

I never thought about the idea of crossing the line, but I like that interpretation too because that can go in a couple of different directions.

Thanks again,
Richard

[nibbed]

I just came back to this poem, and WOW
my imagination was struck by silliness,
and by something that could very well
make a lot of sense. hahaha but it was all good.
Thank you for my enormous smile.

[Mark Cecil]

Hey Richard I really like your poem.  I love how you convey the deadness and lack of prospects of the location your talking about.

First Edit:

Kings Road

they repaved this road I like how this stanza opens with hope that things are looking up for the place  your talking about
since the last time
i visited
now the drive leaving home is smooth
as a promise in an election year  

but that fresh pavement The fact you use pavement here instead of just simply road creates a wonderful image in my head of the pavement as a gravestone almost watching the cars leave the place.  Although I know that might not have been your intention.
is like the face of a gravestone
the yellow line an epitaph  Excellent imagery in these two lines
reminding
future generations
where they'll go I love how you contrast both positive and negative emotions in the two stanzas.  Hope in the first and despair in the second.

Original:

Kings Road

they repaved this road
since the last time
i visited
now the drive leaving home is smooth
as a promise in an election year

but that fresh pavement
is like the face of a gravestone
the yellow line an epitaph
that will inspire
future generations

[Richard]

Hey Mark,
Thanks for the feedback and kind words. I changed the last lines in the second stanza between the two versions of the poem. Based on your feedback, I think that change made a positive difference in the clarity of my message.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
I decided to edit this one by adding some punctuation and retooling the ending. Feel free to let me know if it's an improvement or not.

Thanks in advance,
Richard