First Edit: Friendship

[Richard]

First Edit:

As We Talk of Work, Vacations, and Children

We sit by a fire,
faces illuminated.
Our words own the night air

I lose myself in gatherings like this:
I change into a tree painted behind a bush,
added because the painter knew
there was too much blue sky;
my voice no louder than a falling pine needle.

I stay longer than I intended,
afraid to revert,
to go home and lie alone,
my bed clean as snow.


Original:

Friendship

We sit by a fire,
faces illuminated by dull light.
Our words own the night air
as we talk of work, vacations and children.

I lose myself in gatherings like this:
I become a tree painted behind a bush,
added because the painter knew
there was too much blue sky;
my voice no louder than a falling pine needle,
my sight limited to within the frame.

I stay longer than I intended
because it opiates my senses,
justifies my blank pages,
subdues my self-loathing.

[Todd]

Hi Richard, I had an immediate response to this. So, let me give you some feedback.

Friendship--Not a fan of this title. Too flat. I'd recommend making line 4 your new title and pulling it out of the body of the poem.

We sit by a fire,
faces illuminated by dull light.
Our words own the night air--like this phrasing quite a bit.
as we talk of work, vacations and children.

I lose myself in gatherings like this:
I become a tree painted behind a bush,--love this image
added because the painter knew
there was too much blue sky;--what a stark characterization. We learn a lot about the speaker's self-perception.
my voice no louder than a falling pine needle,--fits the scene another nice image.
my sight limited to within the frame.--not a fan of this line. Seems flat. You could cut it and end on the great pine needle line.

I stay longer than I intended
because it opiates my senses,--The poem loses steam for me in this strophe. Opiates comes off as self-conscious to me. It draws to much attention to itself. I also am not a fan of the last line. I would consider simply. I stay longer than I intended/because it justifies my blank pages. And leave it at that.
justifies my blank pages,
subdues my self-loathing.

Just my initial feelings on the piece. 

I hope it's helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Richard]

Hey Todd,
Thanks for the feedback. I was a bit unsure about the title, so I'm glad to get some thoughts on that. You definitely gave me some wonderful food for thought for this moving forward.

Thanks again,
Richard

[billy]

a solid poem with need of a small edit, don't over do the editing because the first two stanza need very minor changes. the last stanza needs elevatingto the standard of the first two. enjoyed the read, thank you

Friendship

We sit by a fire,
faces illuminated by dull light.
Our words own the night air for me this is where the opening should end; on a hi and with a solid image, absolutely lovely.
as we talk of work, vacations and children. for me this line knocks the stuffing out the above image and weakens it.

I lose myself in gatherings like this:
I become a tree painted behind a bush, can something more that [i become] be used? i morph into, i grow, i do something more than i become. another great image.
added because the painter knew
there was too much blue sky;
my voice no louder than a falling pine needle, this extended image from L2 down is excellent, creates a feel of serenity verging on shyness.
my sight limited to within the frame. again, the last line weakens a powerful image

I stay longer than I intended
because it opiates my senses,
justifies my blank pages,
subdues my self-loathing. i think this stanza could be opened up a little more with better imagery.

[Richard]

Hey Billy,
Thanks for the feedback. I'm planning on doing something to the third stanza... just drawing a blank right now. I hope to get around to revising sometime in the next few days.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Achebe]

Friendship

We sit by a fire,
faces illuminated by dull light.   ....I think it's fine if you end it an 'illuminated'. 'Dull' is not a particularly memorable adjective, and illumination by light doesn't need mention
Our words own the night air ....I find this to be quite forgettable.
as we talk of work, vacations and children.  ...'and talk' to go with the above changes

I lose myself in gatherings like this: 
I become a tree painted behind a bush, ... don't think you need the I' here, and the colon in the previous line can be replaced by a comma
added because the painter knew
there was too much blue sky; ... equivocal on whether the 'blue' is needed...
my voice no louder than a falling pine needle, ... since you're still talking about the picture metaphor in the next line, the voice reference doesn't sit well
my sight limited to within the frame.

I stay longer than I intended
because it opiates my senses, ... is 'opiate' a verb?
justifies my blank pages,
subdues my self-loathing. ..one too many 'my's. But the ending is too self indulgent to be interesting

I think there's potential here...

[Richard]

Hey Achebe,
Thanks for the feedback. I'm still working on the revision. I'm a bit up in the air with this one right now, so any suggestions are welcomed. By the way, "opiates" is most definitely not a verb. I think this is one of those times when I'm guilty of trying to be too poetic. Needless to say, opiates will not be in the next version of the poem.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
Feel free to let me know if this version is better than the original.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

[Todd]

Richard, I like the edit and find it much improved. Some slight suggestions.

First Edit:

As We Talk of Work, Vacations, and Children

We sit by a fire,
faces illuminated.
Our words own the night air

I lose myself in gatherings like this:
I change into a tree painted behind a bush,
added because the painter knew--consider leading this line with an only 
there was too much blue sky;
my voice no louder than a falling pine needle.

I stay longer than I intended,
afraid to revert,
to go home and lie alone,
my bed clean as snow.--excellent fix and image. After clean consider adding "and cold"


Original:

Friendship

We sit by a fire,
faces illuminated by dull light.
Our words own the night air
as we talk of work, vacations and children.

I lose myself in gatherings like this:
I become a tree painted behind a bush,
added because the painter knew
there was too much blue sky;
my voice no louder than a falling pine needle,
my sight limited to within the frame.

I stay longer than I intended
because it opiates my senses,
justifies my blank pages,
subdues my self-loathing.

Enjoyed the read.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

after a quick couple of reads i think it reads as a much tighter better piece. the first stanza is about as solid as it can be. the third line feels powerful and the reader wants to continue. there's a good transition from being one of the strong ones there, to feeling a little awkward or actually lacking the confidence the 1st person thought they had. the last is more powerful after subsequent reads. it show that the 1st person doesn't want to lose the connection they made. they want friendship so much. good edit

First Edit:

As We Talk of Work, Vacations, and Children

We sit by a fire,
faces illuminated.
Our words own the night air

I lose myself in gatherings like this:
I change into a tree painted behind a bush,
added because the painter knew
there was too much blue sky;
my voice no louder than a falling pine needle.

I stay longer than I intended, is the 2nd needed?
afraid to revert,
to go home and lie alone,
my bed clean as snow.


[i]Original:

Friendship

We sit by a fire,
faces illuminated by dull light.
Our words own the night air
as we talk of work, vacations and children.

I lose myself in gatherings like this:
I become a tree painted behind a bush,
added because the painter knew
there was too much blue sky;
my voice no louder than a falling pine needle,
my sight limited to within the frame.

I stay longer than I intended
because it opiates my senses,
justifies my blank pages,
subdues my self-loathing.

[Richard]

Hey Todd and Billy,
Thanks for the kind words and feedback. I was a little unsure about the changes in the third stanza, so I'm glad to hear that it works with the rest of the poem.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Knot]

Hi Richard,
nice work, particularly S2.
Some suggestions:
Tidy up the punctuation:
Is 'we sit by a fire' a continuation of the thought/title.  If so, should it not read as;
we sit by a fire,
faces illuminated,
our words own the night air. ?
I think 'I change into...' could be more succinctly expressed as 'become a tree...' (as Achebe has already observed)
similarly
'my voice no louder...'
might be stronger as
'my voice, a falling pine needle.'
'blue' seems somewhat flat, and unnecessary (omitting it allows for the 'painting' to also be a night scene).
I'm not sure you've found S3 yet, though this is an improvement on the original.
I'd suggest reprising something of the fire from S1 before 'I stay longer...' (you might also drop the second 'I').
'Afraid to go home' rather than 'Afraid to revert', would be more impactful, I think.  Do you need to spell out 'alone'?
Strong finish.

Best, Knot.

[Richard]

Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. I've been letting this one sit for a bit, but you definitely gave me some food for thought.

Cheers,
Richard

[UlrickMasters]

[quote="Richard" pid='232939' dateline='1504582761']
First Edit:

As We Talk of Work, Vacations, and Children  Great Change

We sit by a fire,
faces illuminated.
Our words own the night air   First Stanza is pretty much set 

I lose myself in gatherings like this: <- I didnt understand the colon here 
I change into a tree painted behind a bush,
added because the painter knew
there was too much blue sky;
my voice no louder than a falling pine needle.   This stanza was confusing I had a lot of thoughts on what it meant explain further down below

I stay longer than I intended,
afraid to revert,
to go home and lie alone,
my bed clean as snow.

The second stanza sounds like you are trying to say you are no one in the group you are with 
but if you are a tree you cant hide behind a bush because the tree is a lot bigger than a bush,
i think you should be a bush behind a tree or something that is less noticeable that no one really sees

I am new here so I hope I helped a little 

[Richard]

Hey UlrickMasters,
Thanks for the feedback. I tried to address what you said about the second stanza in the spoiler below. I did it as a spoiler because I don't want to give too much away about the poem to anyone who hasn't read it yet.

My intention in the second stanza was to show how the speaker loses his individuality within his group of friends (he becomes just a tree that is part of the scene), while the third stanza shows how that loss actually comes with some comfort because at least he isn't alone. I actually really appreciate your comments here because it made me stop and rethink my intentions in this poem.

Thanks again,
Richard