For the Birds - Edit 1

[Wjames]

Edit 1:

The park is an intrinsic stage,
the birds all twirl and land on wire
like circus freaks who risk their limbs
for joy and art and little grubs.

They don't eat much these days, the worms
have all dried up like old steel town
fountains, withered to husked ruins.

It's common courtesy to pay
in seeds, you leave some grain and take
the awe that lifts you through a day
of fluorescent repetition.

Original:

The city park is more than hype,
the birds all twirl and land on wire
like circus freaks who risk their limbs
for joy and art and dollar bills.

They don't make much these days, the worms
have all dried up like old steel towns
with empty roads as parched and dead
as sterile operation rooms.

It's common courtesy to pay
in seeds, you leave some grain and take
the awe that lifts you through a day
of fluorescent repetition.

[Richard]

Hey Wjames,
I quite like some of the images you use throughout the poem. One suggestion would be to focus in a specific type of bird, but that is a minor point in my opinion. I do have some other thoughts as well:

The city park is more than hype, -I have to be honest, other than Central Park, New York, I've never really heard of a city park having much hype. I'm not much of outside person though, so may be that is why. 
the birds all twirl and land on wire
like circus freaks who risk their limbs -This is a nice simile. If you wanted to lengthen this poem, you could extend it, but it's good as it is.
for joy and art and dollar bills. -How do birds risk their limbs for dollar bills? I would suggest focusing on the idea of the joy of heights more.

They don't make much these days, the worms -I like this enjambment because it adds emphasis to a strong simile.
have all dried up like old steel towns -I love this simile. It creates a wonderful image in my mind, and compares two things I would never have thought were even remotely alike.
with empty roads as parched and dead
as sterile operation rooms. -Now you have a simile describing a simile. I've been guilty of such myself, but I would suggest just describing the town in more detail. May be something about the wormless soil being like abandoned buildings in the town? Just a thought. 

It's common courtesy to pay -There's nothing wrong with this line and the enjambment. If you wanted to, you could connect this idea of paying to the steel town simile. May be the bird seed could be like social assistance or some sort of charity.
in seeds, you leave some grain and take
the awe that lifts you through a day -I like the idea of the awe lifting you through the day because this is about birds.
of fluorescent repetition. -Strong last line. It really sums up how mundane life can be sometimes.

Overall, I think you got a nice first draft here. I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.

Cheers,
Richard

[Wjames]

Thanks for your thoughts, Richard, I've made an edit based on some of your suggestions. I think it's a little tighter, but could still be improved.

[Richard]

Hey Wjames,
I think you're going in the right direction. I do have some thoughts though:

Edit 1:

The park is an intrinsic stage, -I don't quite get how a "park is an intrinsic stage". May be change it to "The park is a circus stage". Just a thought.
the birds all twirl and land on wire
like circus freaks who risk their limbs -You could cut the word "circus" from this line if you use my suggestion for the first line. You could even change it from "freaks" to something more descriptive like "tightrope walkers".
for joy and art and little grubs.-I don't know if "grubs" works here. May be consider changing it to something a little more open ended like "nourishment". I feel like I might be a little too overbearing with some of my suggestions, so feel free to ignore them.

They don't eat much these days, the worms
have all dried up like old steel town -I liked this better when it was just "old steel towns". This is just pure opinion, but I felt I could relate more to the original simile.
fountains, withered to husked ruins. -Even though I liked the original simile better, there is really nothing technically wrong with the new one. Overall, this stanza is an improvement over the original.

It's common courtesy to pay
in seeds, you leave some grain and take
the awe that lifts you through a day
of fluorescent repetition. -The last stanza still works well, and is the strongest part of the poem. The last two lines are a wonderful image, summing up why one would be so interested in the birds.

Original:

The city park is more than hype,
the birds all twirl and land on wire
like circus freaks who risk their limbs
for joy and art and dollar bills.

They don't make much these days, the worms
have all dried up like old steel towns
with empty roads as parched and dead
as sterile operation rooms.

It's common courtesy to pay
in seeds, you leave some grain and take
the awe that lifts you through a day
of fluorescent repetition.

I hope I wasn't too overbearing with some of my suggestions. I do think this is an improvement over the original, and I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

Cheers,
Richard

[Knot]

Hi Wjames
If this is as playful as the title suggests, then why not start with
'All the park's a stage'?
I think the 'circus' idea is an interesting one and could stand to be developed further.
You're also right, I think, in that it could be tightened further.
Here are my suggestions:

The park is an intrinsic stage,
birds twirl, land on wire
[I think you could add a line here, maybe about their colours or songs,
something that builds on the circus idea]
circus freaks who risk [all]

for joy and art and little grubs.
It's common courtesy to pay
you [give] some grain
and take the awe

that lifts you through a day
They don't eat much these days
[again, a couple more lines on a circus theme to end]


I like the imagery in S2, particularly 'husks', just not sure it works in this piece.
Though if you're set on it, I would say that an explanation for why
the 'worms have all dried up' might help.
I also find 'freaks' a little odd, when you 'take the awe'.

Best, Knot.

[Linda]

The park is an intrinsic stage,     very nice opening line, draws the reader in, in fact the first 
the birds all twirl and land on wire      stanza is great as it stands
like circus freaks who risk their limbss
for joy and art and little grubs.

They don't eat much these days, the worms   this simile takes me too far out of the images 
have all dried up like old steel town fountains          in the poem                                                                              withered to husked ruins.                                                        
                                                                         
It's common courtesy to pay
in seeds, you leave some grain and take     I do like this stanza especially the fluorescent
the awe that lifts you through a day            repetition
of fluorescent repetition.                           Nice work James 

Original:

The city park is more than hype,
the birds all twirl and land on wire
like circus freaks who risk their limbs
for joy and art and dollar bills.

They don't make much these days, the worms
have all dried up like old steel towns
with empty roads as parched and dead
as sterile operation rooms.

It's common courtesy to pay
in seeds, you leave some grain and take
the awe that lifts you through a day
of fluorescent repetition.