Third Edit: Dollar Store Blues

[Richard]

Third Edit:

Dollar Store Blues

She crosses that threshold,
sleepwalks
to the cleaning aisle,
where sponges construct an allegory.

She keeps going until she is distracted
by a sale for expired taffy;
so sticky, so sweet, yet barely fulfilling
a need she'd rather deny exists.
Closing her eyes, allows fluorescent lights
to bathe her like a cold shower.

She stumbles to her purpose:
should they have beans or soup for supper?
The finger against her lip
smells of soap bought there a week ago,
her own odor forgettable as a midnight dream.

Mechanically, she reaches for a can
and it sticks to her palm like a magnet.
Her hands smell of cheap metal
as she approaches to pay.

The cashier smiles androgynously.
The cash register speaks,
another allegory she has no time for.




Second Edit:

Dollar Store Blues

Whenever she crosses that threshold,
she feels like she's sleepwalking.
In the cleaning aisle,
she swears she hears an allegory
about sponges and unwanted messes
until she is distracted by a sale for expired taffy;
so sticky, so sweet, yet barely fulfilling
a need she'd rather deny exists.
She closes her eyes, allowing fluorescent lights
to bathe her like a cold shower.
She stumbles to the next aisle,
tries to forget her purpose:
Is she there to buy beans or soup?
She pretends the decision hasn't already been made
like her husband's bed.
Placing a finger against her lip,
she smells the soap she bought here a week ago.
Mechanically, she reaches for a can
and it sticks to her palm like a magnet.
Her hands smell of cheap metal as she approaches to pay.
The cashier smiles androgynously.
The cash register speaks,
the dream ends.


First Edit:

Dollar Store Blues

Whenever she crosses that threshold,
she starts to feel like she's sleepwalking.
In the cleaning aisle,
she swears she hears an allegory
about sponges and unwanted messes
until she is distracted by a sale for expired taffy;
so sticky and sweet, yet barely fulfilling a need
she'd rather deny exists.
She closes her eyes, allowing fluorescent lights
to bath her like a cold shower.
Eventually, she arrives at her purpose:
Is she there to buy beans or soup?
She pretends the decision hasn't already been made
like her husband's bed.
Placing a finger against her lip,
she smells the soap she bought here a week ago.
Mechanically, she reaches for a can
and it sticks to her palm like a magnet.
Her hands smell of cheap metal as she approaches to pay.
The cashier smiles androgynously.
The cash register speaks,
the dream ends.


Original:

Dollar Store Blues

Crossing the threshold feels somnambulistic.
In the cleaning aisle,
she swears she sees an allegory
until she is distracted by a sale for expired taffy;
so sticky and sweet, yet barely fulfilling a need
she'd rather deny exists.
She closes her eyes, allowing the fluorescent lights
to bath her like a cold shower.
Eventually, she arrives at her purpose:
Is she there to buy beans or soup?
She pretends the decision hasn't already been made
like he husband's bed.
Placing a finger against her lip,
she smells the soap she bought here a week ago.
Mechanically, she reaches for a can
and it sticks to her palm like a magnet.
Her hands smell of cheap metal as she approaches to pay.
The cashier smiles androgynously.
The cash register speaks,
the dream ends.

[Wjames]

Dollar Store Blues

Crossing the threshold feels somnambulistic. I would change "somnambulistic" to "like sleep walking" - I think most people will feel nothing with somnambulistic, at least until they look at a dictionary. Plus, "sleep waking/in the cleaning aisle" could be a cool line break.
In the cleaning aisle,
she swears she sees an allegory an allegory for what? cleaning up her life? that would be more of a metaphor or a pun.
until she is distracted by a sale for expired taffy;
so sticky and sweet, yet barely fulfilling a need
she'd rather deny exists. nice.
She closes her eyes, allowing the fluorescent lights
to bath her like a cold shower. Nice, lots of sensations.
Eventually, she arrives at her purpose:
Is she there to buy beans or soup?
She pretends the decision hasn't already been made
like he husband's bed. her. 
Placing a finger against her lip,
she smells the soap she bought here a week ago.
Mechanically, she reaches for a can
and it sticks to her palm like a magnet.
Her hands smell of cheap metal as she approaches to pay. I like mechanically, magnet, metal - robotic.
The cashier smiles androgynously.
The cash register speaks,
the dream ends.

Nice, this person's life is so dull she dreams about the dollar store.

[billy]

Hi richard, not sure if i was harsh with the first line, it just didn't hold me, the rest of the poem however did. the ends felt a little blase and possibly too pat but it did work. your extended original imagery worked really well as does her apathy at being in the store.
all in all i think it needs a couple of easy fixes in a smallish edit.

Dollar Store Blues

Crossing the threshold feels somnambulistic. is threshold the entrance? the line feels awkward
In the cleaning aisle,
she swears she sees an allegory while i love this line, though where in the isle is it, in her head? for me it need modification in some way
until she is distracted by a sale for expired taffy;
so sticky and sweet, yet barely fulfilling a need
she'd rather deny exists. though small this line punches above its weight lets the reader's mind stop and enjoy for a while
She closes her eyes, allowing the fluorescent lights no need for [the]
to bath her like a cold shower. the two lines of the simile work well
Eventually, she arrives at her purpose:
Is she there to buy beans or soup?
She pretends the decision hasn't already been made
like he husband's bed.
Placing a finger against her lip,
she smells the soap she bought here a week ago.
Mechanically, she reaches for a can
and it sticks to her palm like a magnet. this simile works better than well with the metal of the next line.
Her hands smell of cheap metal as she approaches to pay.
The cashier smiles androgynously.
The cash register speaks,
the dream ends.

[Richard]

Hey Wjames and Billy,
Thanks for the feedback and kind words. I think I was trying too hard in the first line, so I'm happy to hear that that line isn't working.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
I did some edits to this one. Feel free to let me know if it's an improvement over the original.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Richard. I too got tripped on L1 on my first few reads. Since this is in Intensive, I don't think you'll mind me laboring further about your opening.

First Edit:

Dollar Store Blues

Whenever she crosses that (the)threshold,
she starts to feel like she's sleepwalking. think about striking these words. For me it would read more immediate. Less pensive, more frenzied. I'm not sure if losing "feel" changes the intended meaning. Not for me. 
In the cleaning aisle,
she swears she hears an allegory
about sponges and unwanted messes
until she is distracted by a sale for expired taffy;
so sticky and sweet, yet barely fulfilling a need
she'd rather deny exists.
She closes her eyes, allowing fluorescent lights
to bath her like a cold shower.
Eventually, she arrives at her purpose:
Is she there to buy beans or soup?
She pretends the decision hasn't already been made
like her husband's bed.
Placing a finger against her lip,
she smells the soap she bought here a week ago.
Mechanically, she reaches for a can
and it sticks to her palm like a magnet.
Her hands smell of cheap metal as she approaches to pay.
The cashier smiles androgynously.
The cash register speaks,
the dream ends.


Original:

Dollar Store Blues

Crossing the threshold feels somnambulistic.
In the cleaning aisle,
she swears she sees an allegory
until she is distracted by a sale for expired taffy;
so sticky and sweet, yet barely fulfilling a need
she'd rather deny exists.
She closes her eyes, allowing the fluorescent lights
to bath her like a cold shower.
Eventually, she arrives at her purpose:
Is she there to buy beans or soup?
She pretends the decision hasn't already been made
like he husband's bed.
Placing a finger against her lip,
she smells the soap she bought here a week ago.
Mechanically, she reaches for a can
and it sticks to her palm like a magnet.
Her hands smell of cheap metal as she approaches to pay.
The cashier smiles androgynously.
The cash register speaks,
the dream ends.

I'll be back, good luck,
Paul

[billy]

i prefer the edit but think the first two lines could be more succinct.

First Edit:

Dollar Store Blues

Whenever she crosses that threshold,
she starts to feel like she's sleepwalking.
In the cleaning aisle,
she swears she hears an allegory
about sponges and unwanted messes works much better
until she is distracted by a sale for expired taffy;
so sticky and sweet, yet barely fulfilling a need
she'd rather deny exists.
She closes her eyes, allowing fluorescent lights
to bath her like a cold shower.
Eventually, she arrives at her purpose: missed this on the first reads but if she's arrived at her purpose why the confusion on the next line, a suggestion would be to say [What was her purpose?]
Is she there to buy beans or soup?
She pretends the decision hasn't already been made
like her husband's bed.
Placing a finger against her lip,
she smells the soap she bought here a week ago.
Mechanically, she reaches for a can
and it sticks to her palm like a magnet.
Her hands smell of cheap metal as she approaches to pay.
The cashier smiles androgynously.
The cash register speaks,
the dream ends.


Original:

Dollar Store Blues

Crossing the threshold feels somnambulistic.
In the cleaning aisle,
she swears she sees an allegory
until she is distracted by a sale for expired taffy;
so sticky and sweet, yet barely fulfilling a need
she'd rather deny exists.
She closes her eyes, allowing the fluorescent lights
to bath her like a cold shower.
Eventually, she arrives at her purpose:
Is she there to buy beans or soup?
She pretends the decision hasn't already been made
like he husband's bed.
Placing a finger against her lip,
she smells the soap she bought here a week ago.
Mechanically, she reaches for a can
and it sticks to her palm like a magnet.
Her hands smell of cheap metal as she approaches to pay.
The cashier smiles androgynously.
The cash register speaks,
the dream ends.

Hey Wjames and Billy,
Thanks for the feedback and kind words. I think I was trying too hard in the first line, so I'm happy to hear that that line isn't working.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Todd]

Hi Richard, a few thoughts on the revision.

First Edit:

Dollar Store Blues

Whenever she crosses that threshold,
she starts to feel like she's sleepwalking.--I'd maybe cut the "starts to" and just go with "feels"
In the cleaning aisle,--Possibly end the line with "she swears"
she swears she hears an allegory
about sponges and unwanted messes
until she is distracted by a sale for expired taffy;
so sticky and sweet, yet barely fulfilling a need--perhaps build some parallel structure (so sticky, so sweet, so barely fulfilling a need)
she'd rather deny exists.
She closes her eyes, allowing fluorescent lights--this works maybe move to present tense for allows. 
to bath her like a cold shower.--typo: bathe. I like that the flourescent lights are like a cold shower. It's a surprising detail not what you'd normally associate with light of any type--what you often associate with dampening down arousal.
Eventually, she arrives at her purpose:--Is there a way you could simply blend this setup line into the action?
Is she there to buy beans or soup?
She pretends the decision hasn't already been made--Nice phrasing and like the character relationship touch in the following line and simile.
like her husband's bed.
Placing a finger against her lip,--while we see this gesture in stories usually meaning thoughtful decisiveness people that study touching the lips usually read it as something in the situation is making the person anxious. It's a self-soothing gesture like thumb sucking for an infant. I assume this is more the story meaning.
she smells the soap she bought here a week ago.
Mechanically, she reaches for a can
and it sticks to her palm like a magnet.--like the image
Her hands smell of cheap metal as she approaches to pay.
The cashier smiles androgynously.
The cash register speaks,
the dream ends.

I think you have some good things going on here. Hopefully, the comments will be helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Richard]

Hey Todd, Billy and Paul,
Thanks for the feedback. What would any of you say to cutting the first two lines completely? Just a thought.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Todd]

I personally didn't have a huge issue with the opening two lines. If you were to do it you'd probably want to blend sleepwalking in there someone to keep the dream line later and the surreal sense of some of the elements.

Maybe: Sleepwalking in the cleaning aisle,

[Richard]

Hey Todd,
I like "Sleepwalking in the cleaning aisle". I'm not 100% sure what I'm going to do with the first two lines. Part me is stuck on keeping the image of the threshold as well, so may be I'll keep the lines and tinker around with them. I'm just having one of those really indecisive editing moments. I blame it on drinking too much coffee today.

Thanks again,
Richard

[billy]

my take:

she crosses that threshold,
and farts, she's sleepwalking.

just joking.

i definitely think sleepwalking adds something, i just feel it could be a little tighter

Whenever she crosses that threshold,
and feels like she's sleepwalking. would be a suggestion though it's also fairly weak as well

how did she feel before crossing the threshold? i'd say you need two lines to set up the poem as you have,

maybe incorporate one more line to show how she switches off. turns into a zombie or golem, it's very hard for me to advise because i'd do it my way. but yes keep and modify instead of just deleting.

[Richard]

Hey Billy,
Thanks for putting a smile on my face with the fart joke. lol

In all seriousness, thanks for the suggestions. I like the idea of adding another line to help set the poem up more.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Thunderembargo]

First Edit:

Dollar Store Blues

Whenever she crosses that threshold,
she starts to feel like she's sleepwalking.
In the cleaning aisle,
she swears she hears an allegory
about sponges and unwanted messes
until she is distracted by a sale for expired taffy;
so sticky and sweet, yet barely fulfilling a need
she'd rather deny exists.
She closes her eyes, allowing fluorescent lights
to bath her like a cold shower.
Eventually, she arrives at her purpose:
Is she there to buy beans or soup?
She pretends the decision hasn't already been made
like her husband's bed.
Placing a finger against her lip,
she smells the soap she bought here a week ago.
Mechanically, she reaches for a can
and it sticks to her palm like a magnet.
Her hands smell of cheap metal as she approaches to pay.
The cashier smiles androgynously.
The cash register speaks,
the dream ends.


Original:

Dollar Store Blues

Crossing the threshold feels somnambulistic.
In the cleaning aisle,
she swears she sees an allegory
until she is distracted by a sale for expired taffy;
so sticky and sweet, yet barely fulfilling a need
she'd rather deny exists.
She closes her eyes, allowing the fluorescent lights
to bath her like a cold shower.
Eventually, she arrives at her purpose:
Is she there to buy beans or soup?
She pretends the decision hasn't already been made
like he husband's bed.
Placing a finger against her lip,
she smells the soap she bought here a week ago.
Mechanically, she reaches for a can
and it sticks to her palm like a magnet.
Her hands smell of cheap metal as she approaches to pay.
The cashier smiles androgynously.
The cash register speaks,
the dream ends.

Before giving any cogent insight into the 1st edit of this truly fascinating slice of poetic work I do want to mention, and I almost find it necessary to do so, that my friend was just arrested at a dollar store for stealing certain ingredients for the composition of some radical street drug; enough to Break Benjamin, that's for sure.

I really like the mundane and bucolic tone of the poem, its semi-tragic or perhaps tragi-comic, Steppeford Wife kind of rhythm and imagery.   Yet my friends recent experience at the dollar general  (or was it dollar tree, not sure,) shows that Dustin Hoffman in drag, is not the inevitable experience when going to your local dollar store. 

Dollar Store Blues

Whenever she crosses that threshold,
she starts to feel like she's sleepwalking.                  
In the cleaning aisle,
she swears she hears an allegory                             this is a profound claim or at least profoundly anti-climactic, except that usually allegory refers to the incarnation of symbol in living personages
about sponges and unwanted messes
until she is distracted by a sale for expired taffy;       
so sticky and sweet, yet barely fulfilling a need
she'd rather deny exists.
She closes her eyes, allowing fluorescent lights 
to bath her like a cold shower.                          i think that this would reflect more accurately as a warm shower
Eventually, she arrives at her purpose:
Is she there to buy beans or soup?                   this has natural metabolic resolution, but may be too straightforward, ironically, perhaps a bit of detail in adverbial definition would add just the right measure of irony................ "peppery" beans,or, "watery" soup
She pretends the decision hasn't already been made
like her husband's bed.                                    here,in my judgement, you have arrived at the second great allegorical epiphany of the poem, this steppeford wife is being formed to recognize her own powerlessness to make meaningful and/or self-actualized decisions,   this is well written                                 
Placing a finger against her lip,
she smells the soap she bought here a week ago.     a very vivid image that you are flawlessly directing within the poem
Mechanically, she reaches for a can
and it sticks to her palm like a magnet.
Her hands smell of cheap metal as she approaches to pay.
The cashier smiles androgynously.
The cash register speaks, 
the dream ends.                                                   these last four lines pay for themselves, and they also happen to pay for everybody else who does their shopping in this outrageous commercial 

Dollar Store Blues

Whenever she crosses that threshold,
she starts to feel like she's sleepwalking.
In the cleaning aisle,
she swears she hears an allegory
about sponges and unwanted messes
until she is distracted by a sale for expired taffy;
so sticky and sweet, yet barely fulfilling a need
she'd rather deny exists.
She closes her eyes, allowing fluorescent lights 
to bath her like a cold shower.
Eventually, she arrives at her purpose:
Is she there to buy beans or soup?
She pretends the decision hasn't already been made
like her husband's bed.
Placing a finger against her lip,
she smells the soap she bought here a week ago.
Mechanically, she reaches for a can
and it sticks to her palm like a magnet.
Her hands smell of cheap metal as she approaches to pay.
The cashier smiles androgynously.
The cash register speaks, 
the dream ends.

[billy]

First Edit:

Dollar Store Blues

Whenever she crosses that threshold,
she starts to feel like she's sleepwalking.
In the cleaning aisle,
she swears she hears an allegory
about sponges and unwanted messes this was my main piece of feedback and with just a small small edit it reads a lot better.
until she is distracted by a sale for expired taffy;
so sticky and sweet, yet barely fulfilling a need never noticed before but a suggest would be to end the line with fulfilling and move the rest down to the next line, a minor thing for you to consider
she'd rather deny exists.
She closes her eyes, allowing fluorescent lights
to bath her like a cold shower.
Eventually, she arrives at her purpose:
Is she there to buy beans or soup?
She pretends the decision hasn't already been made
like her husband's bed.
Placing a finger against her lip,
she smells the soap she bought here a week ago.
Mechanically, she reaches for a can
and it sticks to her palm like a magnet.
Her hands smell of cheap metal as she approaches to pay.
The cashier smiles androgynously.
The cash register speaks,
the dream ends.


Original:

Dollar Store Blues

Crossing the threshold feels somnambulistic.
In the cleaning aisle,
she swears she sees an allegory
until she is distracted by a sale for expired taffy;
so sticky and sweet, yet barely fulfilling a need
she'd rather deny exists.
She closes her eyes, allowing the fluorescent lights
to bath her like a cold shower.
Eventually, she arrives at her purpose:
Is she there to buy beans or soup?
She pretends the decision hasn't already been made
like he husband's bed.
Placing a finger against her lip,
she smells the soap she bought here a week ago.
Mechanically, she reaches for a can
and it sticks to her palm like a magnet.
Her hands smell of cheap metal as she approaches to pay.
The cashier smiles androgynously.
The cash register speaks,
the dream ends.

[Richard]

Hey Billy,
Thanks for the feedback. I'm planning on trying to get around to doing another edit of this some time before the weekend.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
I've done another edit on this one. Thanks again for all the useful feedback.

Cheers,
Richard

[Todd]

Richard, a few slight edits but great result. Minor typo L2: feels

I really like this one. It feels polished.

Todd

[Richard]

Hey Todd,
Thanks for the kind words. I'm almost 100% happy with this one, which is rare.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Yjack123]

You picked such a fertile setting.  So much could be done.  Why didn't you dig below the surface?  

You tell me what she did, but not why she did it or how it effected her.  Why did she pick that can?  Who else was in the store and why?  Was this a task she liked or hated?  I couldn't tell.  I wanted a relateable scene, not just a fact sheet.  I guess it left me wanting for more ambitious paint.