The Monk

[Ecesis]

A centuries old cross,
made by the sawdust mill;
did this weathered man,
clutch in his wringing hand.

He walked with aching wreath over the hill,
finding laurels,
by the hemming stump;

where in his fading gaze,
a divided town—
lay asleep below;
seducing sounds of his sorrow.

Some mistress had veiled,
his hemlock eye,
with boundless thoughts,
of the ocean tide,

And bade him not, 
go any further than the pyre,
for this would surely lure,
death to near.

Worth grew nowt in this stygian gown,
as heavy lids knew the insides,
of his pining frown.

[alonso ramoran]

A centuries old cross,
made by the sawdust mill;
did this weathered man, -
clutch in his wringing hand.

He walked with aching wreath over the hill, Don't understand how a wreath can ache.
finding laurels, -
by the hemming stump;

where in his fading gaze, 
a divided town— no hyphen needed.
lay asleep below; no semi-colon needed.
seducing sounds of his sorrow.

Some mistress had veiled, -
his hemlock eye, -
with boundless thoughts, -
of the ocean tide, Maybe a period or semi-colon would fit snug here.

And bade him not, a "to" would be necessary here. 
go any further than the pyre, 
for this would surely lure, -
death to near. Sounds awkward.

Worth grew nowt in this stygian gown, Worth grew nothing in this black dress? Even when using alternative vocab this line sounds awkward.
as heavy lids knew the insides, -
of his pining frown. My interpretation of these final two lines are that he (I'm guessing the monk) recognized the reasons for whatever he's frowning, and he's tired of those being the reasons? Just my subjective thought.Also, a poem like this ending on a reader's subjective thought makes for not a very strong ending. Especially when the majority of the poem seems like observations by the third person on the main character (These observations have colorful language, but it's for nothing if you're using phrases like "hemlock eye" or "aching wreath"). You also do a fine job of narrating the poem along, but most of what you were saying here went over my head. Lastly, I get ideas of what the poems about, but I'm not sure if my ideas are the right ideas because of how vague everything is written (I know for sure this poem has to be about an old man who has to be a monk- I also don't know what makes him a monk in this poem besides the gown.). Hope I was of any help

The lines I had put dashes next to are lines that do not need commas.

[Wjames]

A centuries old cross,
made by the sawdust mill;
did this weathered man, Strange syntax here - I would never say something like this (more natural to say something like: this weathered man clutched in his wringing hand). 
clutch in his wringing hand. 

He walked with aching wreath over the hill,
finding laurels,
by the hemming stump;

where in his fading gaze,
a divided town—
lay asleep below;
seducing sounds of his sorrow. what sounds? who is being seduced? why does he feel sorrow? 

Some mistress had veiled,
his hemlock eye,
with boundless thoughts,
of the ocean tide,

And bade him not, 
go any further than the pyre,
for this would surely lure,
death to near.

Worth grew nowt in this stygian gown, nowt? an ox?
as heavy lids knew the insides,
of his pining frown.

I had a tough time reading this because as alexorande said there are way too many commas, hyphens and semicolons. I would not pause after each line if I were saying these things myself. 

I also found it a little difficult to comprehend because I kept having questions like the ones I had after the third stanza.

[Ecesis]

hello, thanks for the reply. i appreciate you recognising flaws in the format. the 'aching wreath' is meant to express being bounded inside an internal suffering. the wreath being the metaphor for a cage. its probably very vague and suited to be misunderstood. we all know of purgatory in its understanding. dante alludes to this very well. so it was meant to express something like that. and 'hemlock eye', hemlock is a poison so it was meant to allude to how his eye has become poison due to being caught up in the thoughts of a mistress.

i know its very vague, too much subjective vision. tell me what you think after i have explained a few things. its all meant to be in 3rd person, does the language become confusing at the end ?

thanks for the analysis

[alonso ramoran]

hello, thanks for the reply. i appreciate you recognising flaws in the format. the 'aching wreath' is meant to express being bounded inside an internal suffering. the wreath being the metaphor for a cage. its probably very vague and suited to be misunderstood. we all know of purgatory in its understanding. dante alludes to this very well. so it was meant to express something like that. and 'hemlock eye', hemlock is a poison so it was meant to allude to how his eye has become poison due to being caught up in the thoughts of a mistress.

i know its very vague, too much subjective vision. tell me what you think after i have explained a few things. its all meant to be in 3rd person, does the language become confusing at the end ?

thanks for the analysis

The metaphors are creative but they are under so many layers of meaning it dilutes the emotional impact on the reader.

The language does become confusing at the end. The first line is awkwardly put and the stanza doesn't conclude in a complete sentence.

Other than that I'm liking your themes. You just gotta rework the poem a bit.

[Ecesis]

okay, i understand that. would you think simplifying the language would be the most effective way to do that?
i appreciate the feedback.

[Achebe]

hello, thanks for the reply. i appreciate you recognising flaws in the format. the 'aching wreath' is meant to express being bounded inside an internal suffering. the wreath being the metaphor for a cage. its probably very vague and suited to be misunderstood.

A metaphor has to make sense. 'Aching wreath' does not make literal sense. Getting lost in the symbolism and making too much out of what's written is a beginner's mistake. 

we all know of purgatory in its understanding. dante alludes to this very well. so it was meant to express something like that. and 'hemlock eye', hemlock is a poison so it was meant to allude to how his eye has become poison due to being caught up in the thoughts of a mistress.

Same issue as above. 

Good poetry is simple, but with many layers of meaning. Bad poetry is a confused jumble of words. I would suggest that you rewrite the poem after throwing out the tortured symbolism.

[alonso ramoran]

okay, i understand that. would you think simplifying the language would be the most effective way to do that?
i appreciate the feedback.

It's not a matter of simplifying the language, more of rephrasing your lines.

[Ecesis]

okay thanks achebe. i thought aching wreath was quite a simple metaphor. nothing too colourful. i will rewrite it.
thanks again to both of you for being forthright with your critiques

---

okay here's the rewritten work.

A centuries old omen cross
once drooped in the sawdust mill,
did this weathered man
now clutch in his wringing hand.

To reconcile his lonely way
the misty air of mistresses face
walked by his laurel eyes
out over winters hill,

as where the town did lay
in roundabout thought in hemlock cage
boundless they murmured
and hemmed his say,

for no value they sought
in heavy lids
or an inward sigh
of selfless grace,

it turned in them
they would onward subdue
and mar each others place

[Richard]

Hey Ecesis,
I think I sort of understand what you were going for in this poem. I would say your biggest problem is that you know exactly what you are saying here, where as the reader needs some more information/explanation to fully get your message. This is a problem a lot of poets run into, and I've been guilty of it more than once. I'll go into more detail below:

A centuries old cross,
made by the sawdust mill;
did this weathered man, -Why is he weathered? What has this monk been through? These are details you could add.
clutch in his wringing hand.

He walked with aching wreath over the hill,
finding laurels,-Why are laurels so important for him?
by the hemming stump;

where in his fading gaze,
a divided town— -Why is the town divided? I'm assuming it might have something to do with religious differences, but it needs to be explored more.
lay asleep below;
seducing sounds of his sorrow. -I actually like this line. I just think you need to expand on it. I want to see a whole stanza explaining to me how the town seduced his sorrow.

Some mistress had veiled,
his hemlock eye,
with boundless thoughts,
of the ocean tide, -Why is he thinking about the ocean?

And bade him not, 
go any further than the pyre,
for this would surely lure,
death to near.-This whole stanza has wording in it that is a little outdated. I would suggest rewriting this stanza using more current language/syntax.

Worth grew nowt in this stygian gown,
as heavy lids knew the insides,
of his pining frown. -Why does he have a "pining frown"? Did the town break his heart in some way? I think you need to explore this more. 

My biggest suggestion would be to ask yourself what you wanted to say in this poem, and then looking at the feedback so far, ask yourself are readers understanding your intended message. If they aren't, then you should go back to this and edit it so it is clearer. Don't worry about making it too clear because you can always go back and edit it again. I think you got something to say here. You just need to work on how to best communicate it.

Keep writing,
Richard

[alonso ramoran]

okay thanks achebe. i thought aching wreath was quite a simple metaphor. nothing too colourful. i will rewrite it.
thanks again to both of you for being forthright with your critiques

---

okay here's the rewritten work.

A centuries old omen cross I like this thought about a cross being an omen, esp. after it has been drooped inside a mill. Like the cross, this man is weathered and probably thinks of himself as bad for other people. This cross can also be a sign of his faith being torn. I think you can maybe expand on this.
once drooped in the sawdust mill,
did this weathered man
now clutch in his wringing hand. Wringing hand sounds nice and it ages him well (in his case, not so well)

To reconcile his lonely way
the misty air of mistresses face Maybe mistress faces?
walked by his laurel eyes laurel eyes does not make any sense 
out over winters hill, By the end of this stanza, you made it sound as if the misty air was the one to walk by this monk. If this is intentional, it needs some explaining.

as where the town did lay this line is awkward. I was gonna say take out the "did" but then i thought that "laid" is a pretty  weird  verb to use for a town. Maybe something along the lines of "where the town was sprawled". This would give a good image of a town being on the ground and helpless.
in roundabout thought in hemlock cage was this a cage built of hemlock?
boundless they murmured
and hemmed his say,

for no value they sought "They sought no value" sounds way more natural.
in heavy lids A nice way of saying tired.
or an inward sigh
of selfless grace,

it turned in them
they would onward subdue
and mar each others place

Towards the end of the poem it seemed to be more about the city than the monk. That kind of lost me. There are still some questions of the poem that are not being addressed in the poem. Just for fun, try writing this in the way you speak and see what you get. You might be delightfully surprised.

[Yjack123]

As far as I know, there is no such thing as a sawdust mill. Wood mills do generate sawdust as a byproduct of milling wood. That was a pimple I just couldn't get past.