The birthmark beneath your
left breast was the most
perfect thing about you.
Or was it under the right?
You were pink;
filled me with perfume
and pencil skirts.
Flowers seemed unjust.
Edible bouquets of orange love letters,
each one peeled preciously. You loved
the way they smelled,
sweet and stringy. You saved the rinds,
they stained the box
and left a sweet, citrus scent.
A grey room, liquid sheets
that always seemed to glow in your colors.
No better place to mix
in my whites and carbonated coppers.
Spilled out, all on the bed, poured into
a foamy head with brown freckles and tan spots.
Just like the birthmark beneath your left breast.
Or was it under the right?
Edit One
Birthmark I can’t quite remember, or I made myself forget; ten-dollar rum made for smooth beaches and blue water, waves coming to shore in central Ohio The birthmark beneath your left breast was the most perfect thing about you. Or was it under the right? You were pink; filled me with perfume and pencil skirts. Flowers seemed unjust Bouquets of love letters, teasingly twisted, like western origami. You loved how they smelled Your gut was always stronger than mine. Complex biology made simple, women have wider hips men have wider eyes. I saw her coming, You felt her I spread myself too thin, 130 pounds to begin with. She was thin too, no birthmark. Gave me her mac and cheese, somehow, it didn’t feel like she was sharing Took me five years to walk away from our park bench I’ve had many women Who’ve sat with me there, wandered through my hedge maze. I always brought them in and out by helicopter I forgot to make an entrance and an exit; You were the only one who figured out You could just step over the edges.
Original
Birthmark
I can’t quite remember or I made myself forget; Ten dollar rum made of smooth beaches and blue water, Waves coming to shore in central Ohio The birthmark beneath your left breast was the most perfect thing about you or was it under the right? You were pink Filled me with perfume and pencil skirts Flowers seemed unjust
Bouquets of love letters, Teasingly twisted, like western origami You loved how they smelled I spread myself too thin, 130 pounds to begin with She was thin too, No birthmark. Gave me her mac and cheese, didn’t feel like She was sharing though Took me five years to walk away from our park bench I’ve had many women sit with me there, wandering through my hedge maze I always brought them in and out by helicopter I forgot to make an entrance and an exit You were the only one who figured out You could just step over the edges.
Edit One
Birthmark
I can’t quite remember,
or I made myself forget;
ten-dollar rum made for smooth
beaches and blue water,
waves coming to shore in central Ohio
The birthmark beneath your
left breast was the most
perfect thing about you.
Or was it under the right?
You were pink;
filled me with perfume
and pencil skirts.
Flowers seemed unjust
Bouquets of love letters,
teasingly twisted,
like western origami. You loved
how they smelled
Your gut was always stronger
than mine. Complex biology
made simple, women have wider hips
men have wider eyes.
I saw her coming,
You felt her
I spread myself too thin,
130 pounds to begin with.
She was thin too,
no birthmark.
Gave me her mac and cheese,
somehow, it didn’t feel like
she was sharing
Took me five years to walk away
from our park bench
I’ve had many women
Who’ve sat with me there,
wandered through my hedge maze.
I always brought them in
and out by helicopter
I forgot to make an entrance
and an exit;
You were the only one
who figured out
You could just step over the edges.
Original
Birthmark
I can’t quite remember
or I made myself forget;
Ten dollar rum made of smooth
beaches and blue water,
Waves coming to shore in central Ohio
The birthmark beneath your
left breast was the most perfect
thing about you
or was it under the right?
You were pink
Filled me with perfume
and pencil skirts
Flowers seemed unjust
Bouquets of love letters,
Teasingly twisted,
like western origami
You loved how they smelled
I spread myself too thin,
130 pounds to begin with
She was thin too,
No birthmark.
Gave me her mac and cheese,
didn’t feel like
She was sharing though
Took me five years
to walk away from our park bench
I’ve had many women
sit with me there,
wandering through my hedge maze
I always brought them in
and out by helicopter
I forgot to make an entrance
and an exit
You were the only one
who figured out
You could just step over the edges.
Hi Fuzzy, There are some things I like here. Let me give you a few comments below.
Take a look at your punctuation. You tend to skip end punctuation, and in line 1 you leave out a comma after "remember". I do that all the time (and fix it on revision) so it stands out to me. Just something to look at to build clarity and trust from the reader.
I can’t quite remember
or I made myself forget;
Ten dollar rum made of smooth--slight suggestion substitute "of" with "for"
beaches and blue water,
Waves coming to shore in central Ohio--Nice little twist by adding the location.
The birthmark beneath your--I would actually consider starting here perhaps using your first two lines as a lead into this strophe. It seems to fit better with your title.
left breast was the most perfect
thing about you--This s an interesting line because it is pointing out something that would normally be considered a flaw but it is the imperfection that is alluring and probably humanizing. Given the title, it makes for an interesting theme to explore.
or was it under the right?--If you were rearranging things this question could sit atop your original opening strophe. Just a thought.
You were pink
Filled me with perfume
and pencil skirts--Nice alliteration on pink, perfume and pencil. It makes the phrasing pop well.
Flowers seemed unjust--like this and the strophe break
Bouquets of love letters,
Teasingly twisted,
like western origami--using end punctuation here and ending the line on you loved would produce some layered meaning between the lines.
You loved how they smelled
I spread myself too thin,
130 pounds to begin with
She was thin too,--Need a better transition to establish a new she instead of the original. It comes across but it takes a moment.
No birthmark.
Gave me her mac and cheese,
didn’t feel like
She was sharing though
Took me five years
to walk away from our park bench--Nice break on years and a good way to show that the old relationship is in the speaker's thoughts.
I’ve had many women--Great line break
sit with me there,
wandering through my hedge maze
I always brought them in
and out by helicopter
I forgot to make an entrance
and an exit
You were the only one
who figured out
You could just step over the edges.
I'm usually okay with no punctuation, but it's gotta make sense and be consistent if you don't use any. The punctuation you've got going on is so irregular, that it's hard to have them do their job (i.e. direct the reader in when to breathe, how the rhythm works, etc...)
This is a pretty love poem
Quote:I can’t quite remember
or I made myself forget;
Ten dollar rum made of smooth
beaches and blue water,
Waves coming to shore in central Ohio second the suggestion of "for" for "of". Specifying central Ohio really makes this stanza!
The birthmark beneath your
left breast was the most perfect
thing about you
or was it under the right?
You were pink
Filled me with perfume
and pencil skirts
Flowers seemed unjust
really like these beginning stanzas. Nice alliteration and imagery
Bouquets of love letters,
Teasingly twisted,
like western origami Not sure what western origami is...
You loved how they smelled
I spread myself too thin,
130 pounds to begin with
She was thin too,
No birthmark.
Gave me her mac and cheese,
didn’t feel like
She was sharing though Confused by the capitalization in these lines
Took me five years
to walk away from our park bench
I’ve had many women
sit with me there,
wandering through my hedge maze
I always brought them in
and out by helicopter
maybe "Many women / sat there with me / wandered through my hedge maze" instead to keep the tense?
I forgot to make an entrance
and an exit
You were the only one
who figured out
You could just step over the edges. Nice ending and kinda creepy!
And so it goes :-)
Linkto my blog, where I post poetry and occasionally some prose
Thank you for the suggestions, Todd. Punctuation and grammar are definitely chinks in my poetic armor. I do not have a great English background, so I'm going to have to put in a lot of work to improve in those regards.
I'll mess around with the ordering, as you suggested.
(08-05-2017, 05:25 AM)Lydish Wrote: Hey fuzz,
I'm usually okay with no punctuation, but it's gotta make sense and be consistent if you don't use any. The punctuation you've got going on is so irregular, that it's hard to have them do their job (i.e. direct the reader in when to breathe, how the rhythm works, etc...)
This is a pretty love poem
Quote:I can’t quite remember
or I made myself forget;
Ten dollar rum made of smooth
beaches and blue water,
Waves coming to shore in central Ohio second the suggestion of "for" for "of". Specifying central Ohio really makes this stanza!
The birthmark beneath your
left breast was the most perfect
thing about you
or was it under the right?
You were pink
Filled me with perfume
and pencil skirts
Flowers seemed unjust
really like these beginning stanzas. Nice alliteration and imagery
Bouquets of love letters,
Teasingly twisted,
like western origami Not sure what western origami is...
You loved how they smelled
I spread myself too thin,
130 pounds to begin with
She was thin too,
No birthmark.
Gave me her mac and cheese,
didn’t feel like
She was sharing though Confused by the capitalization in these lines
Took me five years
to walk away from our park bench
I’ve had many women
sit with me there,
wandering through my hedge maze
I always brought them in
and out by helicopter
maybe "Many women / sat there with me / wandered through my hedge maze" instead to keep the tense?
I forgot to make an entrance
and an exit
You were the only one
who figured out
You could just step over the edges. Nice ending and kinda creepy!
Hi Lydish,
I'm going to make it a goal of mine to improve my grammar and punctuation (specifically my horrific tense errors). Thank you for your kind advice.
I've always wanted to live in a world where it's okay to pronounce both L's in my name.
hi fuzzyllama
I like your poem
especially the last line.
Birthmark
I can’t quite remember
or I made myself forget; maybe swap out the colon for semi-colon?
Ten dollar rum made of smooth I'd lose the capitals on Ten & Waves
beaches and blue water,
Waves coming to shore in central Ohio
The birthmark beneath your there's a run-on with structure happening here
left breast was the most perfect
thing about you
or was it under the right?
You were pink
Filled me with perfume
and pencil skirts
Flowers seemed unjust
Bouquets of love letters,
Teasingly twisted,
like western origami
You loved how they smelled
I spread myself too thin,
130 pounds to begin with
She was thin too,
No birthmark.
Gave me her mac and cheese,
didn’t feel like
She was sharing though
Took me five years
to walk away from our park bench
I’ve had many women
sit with me there,
wandering through my hedge maze
I always brought them in
and out by helicopter heartbreaker...
I forgot to make an entrance
and an exit
You were the only one
who figured out
You could just step over the edges. love this
I know it's a challenge to dive into
punctuation, but keep trying,
eventually you will master it. This was an interesting, thought provoking, read.
Thank you so much!
Thank you for the kind words Nibbed. I've put an edited version up above that I spent last night and this morning mulling over. I enacted a lot of you all's advice.
I've always wanted to live in a world where it's okay to pronounce both L's in my name.
(08-05-2017, 05:17 AM)Todd Wrote: Hi Fuzzy, There are some things I like here. Let me give you a few comments below.
Take a look at your punctuation. You tend to skip end punctuation, and in line 1 you leave out a comma after "remember". I do that all the time (and fix it on revision) so it stands out to me. Just something to look at to build clarity and trust from the reader.
I can’t quite remember
or I made myself forget;
Ten dollar rum made of smooth--slight suggestion substitute "of" with "for"
beaches and blue water,
Waves coming to shore in central Ohio--Nice little twist by adding the location.
The birthmark beneath your--I would actually consider starting here perhaps using your first two lines as a lead into this strophe. It seems to fit better with your title.
left breast was the most perfect
thing about you--This s an interesting line because it is pointing out something that would normally be considered a flaw but it is the imperfection that is alluring and probably humanizing. Given the title, it makes for an interesting theme to explore.
or was it under the right?--If you were rearranging things this question could sit atop your original opening strophe. Just a thought.
You were pink
Filled me with perfume
and pencil skirts--Nice alliteration on pink, perfume and pencil. It makes the phrasing pop well.
Flowers seemed unjust--like this and the strophe break
Bouquets of love letters,
Teasingly twisted,
like western origami--using end punctuation here and ending the line on you loved would produce some layered meaning between the lines.
You loved how they smelled
I spread myself too thin,
130 pounds to begin with
She was thin too,--Need a better transition to establish a new she instead of the original. It comes across but it takes a moment.
No birthmark.
Gave me her mac and cheese,
didn’t feel like
She was sharing though
Took me five years
to walk away from our park bench--Nice break on years and a good way to show that the old relationship is in the speaker's thoughts.
I’ve had many women--Great line break
sit with me there,
wandering through my hedge maze
I always brought them in
and out by helicopter
I forgot to make an entrance
and an exit
You were the only one
who figured out
You could just step over the edges.
I hope the comments help some.
Best,
Todd
Hey Todd,
I wanted to ask your advice on something with this poem. I switched the lines around in the beginning during my editing and I liked the structure of it the way you recommended. However, I want the poem to feel reminiscent. The way I structured it originally was in chronological order, which I feel like makes for sense for the context of the poem. Which would you recommend?
(08-06-2017, 10:12 PM)typing mantis Wrote: Hi,
I really loved the parts:
Your gut was always stronger
than mine. Complex biology
made simple, women have wider hips
men have wider eyes.
I saw her coming,
You felt her
and
I forgot to make an entrance
and an exit
You were the only one
who figured out
You could just step over the edges.
Gives me a sense of how supernaturally perceptive she was.
But I had trouble reading the poem because of the use of punctuation, for example, full stops in the middle of a line.
Hi mantis,
Thank you for your words. I am glad you enjoyed the "Gut" stanza. I just added that in yesterday and was unsure if it would fit well with the rest of the poem's context. I will continue to work on the punctuation. To me, it is reading better than it was before, but I am having a hard time with the concept of using the poem's structure and punctuation to show the reader when to stop and start.
I've always wanted to live in a world where it's okay to pronounce both L's in my name.
I like how this poem started off and enjoyed some of the imagery, but it seems to lose itself starting at : "Your gut was always stronger than mine." And ultimately go into places that aren’t as poetic as the first half.
I wanted to ask your advice on something with this poem. I switched the lines around in the beginning during my editing and I liked the structure of it the way you recommended. However, I want the poem to feel reminiscent. The way I structured it originally was in chronological order, which I feel like makes for sense for the context of the poem. Which would you recommend?
Okay, just some thoughts on revising in general (some of this may seem obvious but I'll lay it all out).
A poem does not have to follow a chronological narrative structure. You are never bound by "and then this happened and then this."
That said, the poem is always what you want to express. If you want it to have a chronological order that's always your call.
What I've found is a lot of initial drafts start somewhere but take awhile to get to the actual poem. There's an idea that needs to be fleshed out before you even understand what it is you're trying to say.
I will always default to starting wherever it is most interesting and then building from there.
Editing is about more than just fixing issues. It is about making the most effective choices.
I reviewed a friend's autobiography recently. She started the book in a classroom and had some things going on. Halfway through the first chapter, she wrote, "When I was six years old I realized that my dad didn't love me." This should have been her first line. It's even more of an issue in poetry than fiction.
If you are going to keep the original lines you need to ask yourself: How can I make these more interesting? How can I make them pop more? This could result in a title change to set the focus differently.
I'm not sure if that gives you what you were asking, but I hope it helps.
(08-07-2017, 10:58 PM)Todd Wrote: Okay, just some thoughts on revising in general (some of this may seem obvious but I'll lay it all out).
A poem does not have to follow a chronological narrative structure. You are never bound by "and then this happened and then this."
That said, the poem is always what you want to express. If you want it to have a chronological order that's always your call.
What I've found is a lot of initial drafts start somewhere but take awhile to get to the actual poem. There's an idea that needs to be fleshed out before you even understand what it is you're trying to say.
I will always default to starting wherever it is most interesting and then building from there.
Editing is about more than just fixing issues. It is about making the most effective choices.
I reviewed a friend's autobiography recently. She started the book in a classroom and had some things going on. Halfway through the first chapter, she wrote, "When I was six years old I realized that my dad didn't love me." This should have been her first line. It's even more of an issue in poetry than fiction.
If you are going to keep the original lines you need to ask yourself: How can I make these more interesting? How can I make them pop more? This could result in a title change to set the focus differently.
I'm not sure if that gives you what you were asking, but I hope it helps.
Best,
Todd
Yes, this helps immensely! I have been going into editing looking solely for errors when I should also be thinking about what I want to say and if I'm really saying it with the words I have. I'm going to really think on this poem for a while. I think I'm alright at expressing things with figurative devices (still not great at that either), but there is a cohesion that is lacking when I read through my work. I sincerely appreciate the advice.
I've always wanted to live in a world where it's okay to pronounce both L's in my name.
Hi fuzzyllama. I see you made a few changes. I want to tell you at the end of this critique
my interpretation, or what I saw. I know this is basic critique, so I won't get too serious.
Birthmark
I can’t quite remember,
or I made myself forget; -I'd give this its own strophe
ten-dollar rum made for smooth
beaches and blue water,
waves coming to shore in central Ohio
The birthmark beneath your
left breast was the most
perfect thing about you.
Or was it under the right?
You were pink; -might not need this punct, but it still works
filled me with perfume -but then these
and pencil skirts. two lines are not a complete sentence.
Flowers seemed unjust -maybe move that punct here
Bouquets of love letters,
teasingly twisted,
like western origami. You loved -i 'd switch the "like" for "in", or omit both.
how they smelled
Your gut was always stronger
than mine. Complex biology
made simple, women have wider hips
men have wider eyes.
I saw her coming,
You felt her -some punct here
I spread myself too thin,
130 pounds to begin with.
She was thin too,
no birthmark.
Gave me her mac and cheese,
somehow, it didn’t feel like
she was sharing -and here
Took me five years to walk away -anagramming this sentence and adding just a tad
from our park bench might make it more poetic, but there's a lot of heart and depth hidden here
I’ve had many women
Who’ve sat with me there,
wandered through my hedge maze.
I always brought them in
and out by helicopter
I forgot to make an entrance
and an exit;
You were the only one
who figured out
You could just step over the edges.
I was a bit confused in differentiating the person the narrator was addressing and the subject of discussion, but it could be my issues with comprehension. It seemed to be about a relationship and maybe some disappointment regarding it, then a sort of fellowship or comradery with another. I get confused again whether the last stanza is referring to the subject of discussion or the one who is being discussed. I see more a female standing atop the hedge pointing to a weakness or a bare spot to those who cannot step over on their own. But that's is poetry and me. Very much a thought provoking poem and the revision has met with an improvement. Thank you.
(08-10-2017, 02:41 AM)nibbed Wrote: Hi fuzzyllama. I see you made a few changes. I want to tell you at the end of this critique
my interpretation, or what I saw. I know this is basic critique, so I won't get too serious.
Birthmark
I can’t quite remember,
or I made myself forget; -I'd give this its own strophe
ten-dollar rum made for smooth
beaches and blue water,
waves coming to shore in central Ohio
The birthmark beneath your
left breast was the most
perfect thing about you.
Or was it under the right?
You were pink; -might not need this punct, but it still works
filled me with perfume -but then these
and pencil skirts. two lines are not a complete sentence.
Flowers seemed unjust -maybe move that punct here
Bouquets of love letters,
teasingly twisted,
like western origami. You loved -i 'd switch the "like" for "in", or omit both.
how they smelled
Your gut was always stronger
than mine. Complex biology
made simple, women have wider hips
men have wider eyes.
I saw her coming,
You felt her -some punct here
I spread myself too thin,
130 pounds to begin with.
She was thin too,
no birthmark.
Gave me her mac and cheese,
somehow, it didn’t feel like
she was sharing -and here
Took me five years to walk away -anagramming this sentence and adding just a tad
from our park bench might make it more poetic, but there's a lot of heart and depth hidden here
I’ve had many women
Who’ve sat with me there,
wandered through my hedge maze.
I always brought them in
and out by helicopter
I forgot to make an entrance
and an exit;
You were the only one
who figured out
You could just step over the edges.
I was a bit confused in differentiating the person the narrator was addressing and the subject of discussion, but it could be my issues with comprehension. It seemed to be about a relationship and maybe some disappointment regarding it, then a sort of fellowship or comradery with another. I get confused again whether the last stanza is referring to the subject of discussion or the one who is being discussed. I see more a female standing atop the hedge pointing to a weakness or a bare spot to those who cannot step over on their own. But that's is poetry and me. Very much a thought provoking poem and the revision has met with an improvement. Thank you.
Nibbed
Thank you Nibbed, as always. Upon hearing advice from Todd and seeing your interpretation/analysis I think this poem needs re-worked again. I am led to the conclusion, thematically, this poem is spread too thin (like me! 155 now and going strong!). I think I am going to omit completely the Gut strophe and beyond. I'll save that content for another time. I want to develop the birthmark theme more with this work and I think the second half detracts from that goal.
I've always wanted to live in a world where it's okay to pronounce both L's in my name.
I can’t quite remember, This memory seems very personal to the speaker he refers to himself a few times throughout the poem, it draws the reader in, be selective about when he does this. or I made myself forget; [ ten-dollar rum made for smooth beaches and blue water, waves coming to shore in central Ohio ]I like this image but I feel like it's getting in the way of what you're trying to say. What if you deleted it and combined the first two lines and the following stanza? The birthmark beneath your left breast was the most perfect thing about you. Or was it under the right?I love this question/statement, but I feel like you gave it to me too soon. [You were pink; filled me with perfume and pencil skirts. ] these are three relatively generic feminine qualities which you donate a lot of space to for the poem, are there any other details which might paint a more rounded picture for the reader? Flowers seemed unjust Bouquets of love letters, teasingly twisted, like western origami. You loved how they smelled [ Your gut was always stronger than mine. Complex biology made simple, women have wider hips men have wider eyes. ]Damn! I love this I saw her coming, You felt her I spread myself too thin, 130 pounds to begin with. She was thin too, no birthmark. Gave me her mac and cheese, somehow, it didn’t feel like she was sharing Took me five years to walk away from our park bench I’ve had many women Who’ve sat with me there, wandered through my hedge maze. I always brought them in and out by helicopter I forgot to make an entrance and an exit; You were the only one who figured out You could just step over the edges.
Some thoughts: Wow! there is some stunning imagery working in here. I love the focus, narrative, and selective details you're playing with in the poem. There are quite a few relationships you highlight in the poem (speaker to woman, speaker to birthmark, speaker to speaker, speaker to other woman), I think the poem may be strengthened from honing in on exactly what you're trying to write about and communicate in this poem, and ensuring that everything you introduce you address.
Narrative can be a really powerful tool, but sometimes when you have a little too much of it in such a small space the reader can get lost. I was really taken with a lot of the images, would love to see some fleshed out more to see if you can let them take some work off of the narrative's back
“If you don't break your ropes while you're alive, do you think ghosts will do it after?” Kabir
Hey, I am very much enjoying reading and rereading your poem. It's quite dense, and I'm noticing more with each read. Below are some notes:
I can’t quite remember,
or I made myself forget;
ten-dollar rum*1 made for smooth
beaches and blue water,
waves coming to shore in central Ohio
The birthmark beneath your
left breast was the most
perfect thing about you.*2
Or was it under the right?*3
You were pink;
filled me with perfume
and pencil skirts.
Flowers seemed unjust*4
Bouquets of love letters,
teasingly twisted,
like western origami. You loved
how they smelled*5
Your gut was always stronger
than mine. Complex biology
made simple, women have wider hips
men have wider eyes.
I saw her coming,
You felt her
I spread myself too thin,
130 pounds to begin with.*6
She was thin too,
no birthmark.
Gave me her mac and cheese,
somehow, it didn’t feel like
she was sharing*7
Took me five years to walk away
from our park bench*8
I’ve had many women
Who’ve sat with me there,
wandered through my hedge maze.
I always brought them in
and out by helicopter
I forgot*9 to make an entrance
and an exit;
You were the only one
who figured out
You could just step over the edges.*10
*1- Not sure what the purpose of the rum line is. I want to say it's to give the effect that the speaker has been drinking and is getting sappy under the influence (?). If so, I think this is a perfect, subtle cue to strengthen that sense of emotional distress/loneliness.
*2- Are you trying to convey anything with the structure of these lines or are they separated for aesthetic purposes? I think if you restructure them you could add some more flavor. For example, ending the line after "The birthmark" would force the reader to pause before moving to the next line, allowing them to ponder the mark for a moment, which I imagine the speaker does when reflecting on it. Just a thought.
*3- This confusion reinforces why I think the speaker is mildly drunk
*4- I'd put a colon here.
*5- Maybe a semicolon or period here.
*6- I'm still trying to figure out what you're going for here (but that could just be my problem, not yours. Just because its not minor-league enough for me to understand doesn't mean it's not major-league enough to be important).
*7- Okay, this is just a question: does it feel like she (non-birthmark girl) is "not sharing" because she (same non-birthmark girl) took the speaker's "you" (birthmark girl) away, or something to that effect??
*8- I guess you don't really need punctuation here since the stanza break gives the effect of a pause, but I think adding a semicolon would be beneficial.
*9 and *10- Awesome ending. I feel like you're trying to say that usually, the speaker has been able to bring people in and out of his/her life under his/her circumstances (hence the helicopter). However, birthmark girl was able to just walk in and out (step over the edges) on her own terms. But, then why did the speaker "forget"? For me, that one word changes things and if my interpretation matches your intentions, I don't think "forgot" is a good word to use. Perhaps "I neglected to make an entrance," or "I ignored an entrance."
(08-11-2017, 02:44 PM)BeauRessa Wrote: Hey, I am very much enjoying reading and rereading your poem. It's quite dense, and I'm noticing more with each read. Below are some notes:
I can’t quite remember,
or I made myself forget;
ten-dollar rum*1 made for smooth
beaches and blue water,
waves coming to shore in central Ohio
The birthmark beneath your
left breast was the most
perfect thing about you.*2
Or was it under the right?*3
You were pink;
filled me with perfume
and pencil skirts.
Flowers seemed unjust*4
Bouquets of love letters,
teasingly twisted,
like western origami. You loved
how they smelled*5
Your gut was always stronger
than mine. Complex biology
made simple, women have wider hips
men have wider eyes.
I saw her coming,
You felt her
I spread myself too thin,
130 pounds to begin with.*6
She was thin too,
no birthmark.
Gave me her mac and cheese,
somehow, it didn’t feel like
she was sharing*7
Took me five years to walk away
from our park bench*8
I’ve had many women
Who’ve sat with me there,
wandered through my hedge maze.
I always brought them in
and out by helicopter
I forgot*9 to make an entrance
and an exit;
You were the only one
who figured out
You could just step over the edges.*10
*1- Not sure what the purpose of the rum line is. I want to say it's to give the effect that the speaker has been drinking and is getting sappy under the influence (?). If so, I think this is a perfect, subtle cue to strengthen that sense of emotional distress/loneliness.
*2- Are you trying to convey anything with the structure of these lines or are they separated for aesthetic purposes? I think if you restructure them you could add some more flavor. For example, ending the line after "The birthmark" would force the reader to pause before moving to the next line, allowing them to ponder the mark for a moment, which I imagine the speaker does when reflecting on it. Just a thought.
*3- This confusion reinforces why I think the speaker is mildly drunk
*4- I'd put a colon here.
*5- Maybe a semicolon or period here.
*6- I'm still trying to figure out what you're going for here (but that could just be my problem, not yours. Just because its not minor-league enough for me to understand doesn't mean it's not major-league enough to be important).
*7- Okay, this is just a question: does it feel like she (non-birthmark girl) is "not sharing" because she (same non-birthmark girl) took the speaker's "you" (birthmark girl) away, or something to that effect??
*8- I guess you don't really need punctuation here since the stanza break gives the effect of a pause, but I think adding a semicolon would be beneficial.
*9 and *10- Awesome ending. I feel like you're trying to say that usually, the speaker has been able to bring people in and out of his/her life under his/her circumstances (hence the helicopter). However, birthmark girl was able to just walk in and out (step over the edges) on her own terms. But, then why did the speaker "forget"? For me, that one word changes things and if my interpretation matches your intentions, I don't think "forgot" is a good word to use. Perhaps "I neglected to make an entrance," or "I ignored an entrance."
Let me know what you think! Once again, nice job.
Beau,
Your extensive analysis helps me see how I am putting my ideas onto the page and into the reader's head. The slight drunkenness was a theme I was initially working on! I may get rid of it to focus more on the Birthmark or I may keep it. You'll have to stick around to find out
I think you are right that I should rework the line structure around the Birthmark section in the beginning. I'll keep looking at it more to see if I can convey the image I am seeing in my mind better.
For your number 7, all I will say is that you are very very close to the truth
I like neglected much more than forgot. I was actually stuck there for a good ten minutes trying to think of the right verb to use. I could not get the word forgot out of my mind, even though it didn't feel right to me. I think I was trying to go too strong with repetition from the beginning lines. Sometimes the simplest of things are the hardest too see straight.
(08-10-2017, 05:02 AM)lyon Wrote: Birthmark Edit One
I can’t quite remember, This memory seems very personal to the speaker he refers to himself a few times throughout the poem, it draws the reader in, be selective about when he does this. or I made myself forget; [ ten-dollar rum made for smooth beaches and blue water, waves coming to shore in central Ohio ]I like this image but I feel like it's getting in the way of what you're trying to say. What if you deleted it and combined the first two lines and the following stanza? The birthmark beneath your left breast was the most perfect thing about you. Or was it under the right?I love this question/statement, but I feel like you gave it to me too soon. [You were pink; filled me with perfume and pencil skirts. ] these are three relatively generic feminine qualities which you donate a lot of space to for the poem, are there any other details which might paint a more rounded picture for the reader? Flowers seemed unjust Bouquets of love letters, teasingly twisted, like western origami. You loved how they smelled [ Your gut was always stronger than mine. Complex biology made simple, women have wider hips men have wider eyes. ]Damn! I love this I saw her coming, You felt her I spread myself too thin, 130 pounds to begin with. She was thin too, no birthmark. Gave me her mac and cheese, somehow, it didn’t feel like she was sharing Took me five years to walk away from our park bench I’ve had many women Who’ve sat with me there, wandered through my hedge maze. I always brought them in and out by helicopter I forgot to make an entrance and an exit; You were the only one who figured out You could just step over the edges.
Some thoughts: Wow! there is some stunning imagery working in here. I love the focus, narrative, and selective details you're playing with in the poem. There are quite a few relationships you highlight in the poem (speaker to woman, speaker to birthmark, speaker to speaker, speaker to other woman), I think the poem may be strengthened from honing in on exactly what you're trying to write about and communicate in this poem, and ensuring that everything you introduce you address.
Narrative can be a really powerful tool, but sometimes when you have a little too much of it in such a small space the reader can get lost. I was really taken with a lot of the images, would love to see some fleshed out more to see if you can let them take some work off of the narrative's back
Hello Lyon,
Thank you for reading and analyzing my work. I have been thinking a lot about whether the rum line is necessary or not. I'll take your words into account when I make the decision.
I think your constructive criticism in the Pink stanza is helpful. Generic imagery for the sake of alliteration is not always the right choice. This is a romantic poem after all, I should give this woman my best! Your comments, both praise and criticism, have inspired me to flesh out these concepts a little more.
I've always wanted to live in a world where it's okay to pronounce both L's in my name.
This is visual, I can put together a soft image of the woman's body and birthmark. The description of the thin woman and mac n cheese off set the tone. I don't think it's irrelevant, I just think a different choice of words would make it feel a little more cohesive. New to this, I apologize if my feedback feels bland.
The birthmark beneath your
left breast was the most
perfect thing about you.
Or was it under the right?
You were pink;
filled me with perfume
and pencil skirts.
Flowers seemed unjust.
Edible bouquets of orange love letters,
each one peeled preciously. You loved
the way they smelled,
sweet and stringy. You saved the rinds,
they stained the box
and left a sweet, citrus scent.
A grey room, liquid sheets
that always seemed to glow in your colors.
No better place to mix
in my whites and carbonated coppers.
Spilled out, all on the bed, poured into
a foamy head with brown freckles and tan spots.
Just like the birthmark beneath your left breast.
Or was it under the right?
Edit One
Birthmark I can’t quite remember, or I made myself forget; ten-dollar rum made for smooth beaches and blue water, waves coming to shore in central Ohio The birthmark beneath your left breast was the most perfect thing about you. Or was it under the right? You were pink; filled me with perfume and pencil skirts. Flowers seemed unjust Bouquets of love letters, teasingly twisted, like western origami. You loved how they smelled Your gut was always stronger than mine. Complex biology made simple, women have wider hips men have wider eyes. I saw her coming, You felt her I spread myself too thin, 130 pounds to begin with. She was thin too, no birthmark. Gave me her mac and cheese, somehow, it didn’t feel like she was sharing Took me five years to walk away from our park bench I’ve had many women Who’ve sat with me there, wandered through my hedge maze. I always brought them in and out by helicopter I forgot to make an entrance and an exit; You were the only one who figured out You could just step over the edges.
Original
Birthmark
I can’t quite remember or I made myself forget; Ten dollar rum made of smooth beaches and blue water, Waves coming to shore in central Ohio The birthmark beneath your left breast was the most perfect thing about you or was it under the right? You were pink Filled me with perfume and pencil skirts Flowers seemed unjust
Bouquets of love letters, Teasingly twisted, like western origami You loved how they smelled I spread myself too thin, 130 pounds to begin with She was thin too, No birthmark. Gave me her mac and cheese, didn’t feel like She was sharing though Took me five years to walk away from our park bench I’ve had many women sit with me there, wandering through my hedge maze I always brought them in and out by helicopter I forgot to make an entrance and an exit You were the only one who figured out You could just step over the edges.
I've always wanted to live in a world where it's okay to pronounce both L's in my name.
