Fifth Edit: The Swans in Wentworth Park

[Richard]

Fifth Edit:

Dying Swan

One wing dangled, but not as exposed
as what was beneath the words
I said when our bodies
first pressed together and I noticed
you had already closed your eyes.

The other wing open, seeks elevation,
reminds me of my failed apology,
our listless kiss goodbye.

I imagine its mate flies alone
towards a cold sunset.


Fourth Edit:

Dying Swan

One wing mangled, but not as exposed
as those words I said when our bodies
first pressed together and I noticed
you had already closed your eyes.

The other wing open, begging for elevation,
reminds me of my failed apology,
our listless kiss goodbye.

I envision its mate, flying alone 
towards a cold sunset.


Third Edit:

Dying Swan

One wing mangled,
but not as exposed
as those words I said when our bodies
first pressed together and I noticed
you had already closed your eyes.

The other wing open,
begging for elevation,
reminds me of my failed apology,
your goodbye listless like our first kiss.

I envision its mate,
flying alone towards a cold sunset.

Second Edit:

Dying Swan

One wing mangled,
but not as brutal
as those words I said when our naked bodies
first pressed together and I noticed
you had already closed your eyes.

The other wing open,
begging for elevation,
reminds me of my failed apology.
The word sorry a lost feather
swept away by an autumn wind.

I'm then compelled to envision its mate,
flying away alone.

But I am not that abandoned swan.

First Edit:

The Swans in Wentworth Park

One wing bloodied, mangled;
its exposed bones a different white than the rest.
The other wing open,
begging the breeze for elevation,
but its feathers are denied
the blue of the sky.

The indifferent ground
only offers support through happenstance,
while I
can't look away.

I make eye contact
and I'm compelled to envision its mate,
flying away alone.
Its heartbreak more potent than my own dreams.


Original:

 The Swans in Wentworth Park

Webbed feet
firmly on the ground.
Feathers denied
the blue of the sky.
One wing open,
begging the breeze for elevation.
The other wing lifeless:
bloodied and mangled.

Its eyes look desperate,
while its mate
flies away,
soaring
higher than a dream.

[vagabond]

The Swans in Wentworth Park

Webbed feet
firmly on the ground.       I´d consider another adjective instead of "firmly".
Feathers denied
the blue of the sky.          maybe something that has to do more with flight instead of "blue" (e.g. rush, or wind)
One wing open,
begging the breeze for elevation.   
The other wing lifeless:       I´d put a comma here like two lines above.
bloodied and mangled.  

Its eyes look desperate,     i think the word "look" could be left out.
while its mate
flies away,
soaring
higher than a dream.       here I´m kind of asking myself how a dream can be lower than anything real? or are you comparing dreams?

 swans often mate for life and have a mourning period when their mate passes away, some are even reported to die of heartbreak (maybe that´s just humanizing them).
so I´d imagine a fresh injury (bloodied wing) wouldn´t prompt abandonement so quickly.

BUT the poem reads as if you´d watched the scene happening. as a reader I could also see it, atmosphere and subject´s mood reflected well in what became metaphors.

[Richard]

Hey vagabond,
Thanks for the feedback. That point about swans mating for life might result in some edits...

Thanks again,
Richard

[homer1950]

Hi Richard,

Somre thoughts;
You may want to eliminate what I might call "the dreamy language". The poem needs to express the dire situation the Swan is facing.

Webbed feet
firmly on the ground. confused and grounded
Feathers denied
the blue of the sky. their usual flight
One wing open,
begging the breeze struggling for elevation.
The other wing lifeless,
bloodied and mangled.

Its  eyes look desperate, desperate eyes
while its mate watch in fear 
as it's mate
flies away,
soaring
higher than a dream.

[Richard]

Hey homer1950,
Thanks for the feedback. I was actually very curious if the last two lines worked, and this was one of the main reasons I posted this poem. You're the second person to be comment on them, so I plan on targeting those in the revision. As well, I appreciate what you said about the language, and will keep that in mind moving forward.

Thanks again,
Richard

[makeshift]

The Swans in Wentworth Park

Webbed feet  
firmly on the ground. I think this image is a good start, very visual and close in to the birds anatomy. A conduit to the mangled wing later maybe? 
Feathers denied
the blue of the sky. I almost like this lol. The colour feels very active, I imagine the white feathers filled with blue. I think it just treads on cliche some or maybe it just feels like an unnaturalistic way to say what your trying to say with out enough poetic payoff. 
One wing open,
begging the breeze for elevation.
The other wing lifeless: Lifeless is probably unnecessary here, "Bloodied and mangled" expresses the sentiment better imo 
bloodied and mangled.

Its eyes look desperate, I think this might be a good opportunity for metaphor/simile, I wanna know what desperate swan eyes look like!
while its mate
flies away,
soaring "Soaring" and "flies away" is probably too redundant, especially given how economical this stanza is. 
higher than a dream. "Dream" may be a little too hackneyed? I'm convinced theres a better way to get at this impossible divide, and the lovers longing 

The title on this one intrigued me, it reads as a good setup for a little vignette. I think the poem starts out stronger then it ends. It may suffer from some melodrama with the mangled wing. Flight is a difficult metaphor, your working against some cliches. The image of the swan, and a bloodied wing really is startling though, and a land locked bird certainly gets my pity. The second stanza felt a lot less inventive/visual then the first, which is my biggest complaint here. Thanks for sharing, looking forward to the edit!

[nibbed]

Hi, Richard

I like the poem a lot. The title really says much
about the whole scene. I see it as pure, clever,
metaphor.



The Swans in Wentworth Park

Webbed feet                                                     
firmly on the ground.                            -I don't see the situation where a swan in this predicament would have his feet                                          
Feathers denied                                      firmly on the ground.
the blue of the sky.                                 I visualize a shifting of one foot to the other in attempts, though I
One wing open,                                      understand the use of firmly to convey being grounded.
begging the breeze for elevation.
The other wing lifeless:
bloodied and mangled.

Its eyes look desperate,                         -the thing I like about this stanza, is even through the cob can't fly
while its mate                                          it seems to indicate he can still appreciate the flight of his pen.
flies away,
soaring
higher than a dream.                               -the scene seems unusually quiet with all the bloodied mangle...



It's hard to critique really good poems. I much enjoyed this one. Thank you.

[Richard]

Hey makeshift and Janine,
Thanks for the feedback. This is a poem that I put online because I was looking for some ideas when it comes to revising it, so I greatly appreciate all the feedback so far.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Keith]

Hi Richard
The premise and imagery of this is solid enough in that the reader fully understands the plight of the swan, what I struggle with is the conclusion that the mate would fly away and the introduction of dream seems misplaced in such a graphic short piece. Some comment below. Best Keith

Webbed feet   as an opening this doesn't really grab me esp given the title
firmly on the ground.
Feathers denied
the blue of the sky. Like the near rhyme of denied sky
One wing open,
begging the breeze for elevation. I like this, any injured animal just wants to get up and carry on, this line portrays that well.
The other wing lifeless:
bloodied and mangled. Perhaps say how it got like that rather than tell us what it looks like. Let the reader decide how it looks.

Its eyes look desperate, perhaps bring in a metaphor here just to give the reader a jolt
while its mate
flies away,
soaring
higher than a dream. Have another look at the ending its not working for me.

[Richard]

Hey Keith,
Thanks for the feedback. I especially appreciate what you said about the ending. I am actually glad to see that people think the ending is weak because
I wasn't sure about the ending's strength. I plan on addressing that in the revision.

Thanks again,
Richard

---

Hey all,
I made some changes to this one. I played around with the ending, so please let me know if it works or not.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

[makeshift]

Hey Richard, I think this edit is most definitely an improvement. I still think you can work out a better ending! The first stanza is the strongest for me, and I'd like the poem to end in the same visual world as that one. I admittedly know nothing about swans but I could very easily believe that a swan would leave its injured lover, I don't know if it has to be something your "compelled to envision" imo that bogs the poem down.  Ofcourse, just my 2cents. Thanks for sharing ^_^

First Edit:

The Swans in Wentworth Park

One wing bloodied, mangled; This is a pretty shocking opening, probably even more so if I hadn't read the original 
its exposed bones a different white than the rest. I like this detail, I like it more then "bloodied, mangled" and wonder if this couldn't some how replace that. This line needs the previous line to know we are talking about the wing, but otherwise I think this guy supports more weight. 
The other wing open, Probably read this too many times, but open makes me think of the exposed bone of the previous line. I understand the wing is like sprawled open trying to catch wind, but the previous lines describe a wing that is broken open. Not necessarily a  criticism, more a thought. 
begging the breeze for elevation,
but its feathers are denied
the blue of the sky. These four lines seem most directly taken from the original and appropriately so imo. Its a clear sentiment. 

The indifferent ground
only offers support through happenstance,
while I
can't look away. The first stanza is so much more visual then this one, it leaves me wanting a bit more. I do appreciate the personification of the ground. Happenstance does vaguely bring me back to the  "Webbed feet firmly" of the original poem. Im thinking stance like a football player or something.

I make eye contact
and I'm compelled to envision its mate,
flying away alone.
Its heartbreak more potent than my own dreams. Idk about "dreams" Its a very abstract word, and a word you hear a lot
 

Original:

 The Swans in Wentworth Park

Webbed feet
firmly on the ground.
Feathers denied
the blue of the sky.
One wing open,
begging the breeze for elevation.
The other wing lifeless:
bloodied and mangled.

Its eyes look desperate,
while its mate
flies away,
soaring
higher than a dream.

[Richard]

Hey makeshift,
Thanks for the feedback. I wonder if dropping the word "dream" from the last, would strengthen the ending?

Thanks again,
Richard

[vagabond]

Hey makeshift,
Thanks for the feedback. I wonder if dropping the word "dream" from the last, would strengthen the ending?

Thanks again,
Richard

in my  opinion it would be better (since I don´t understand how a heartbreak can not be more potent than a dream..)
though I wonder a little how the subject could be so sure about the animal´s feelings, it would reduce the (perceived) subject´s heartbreak a lot.

[Richard]

Hey vagabond,
Thanks for the comments. I don't want to give too much away with this poem, but your wondering about how the speaker can empathize so much with a swan is a valid point. I actually had this point in mind when doing the first edit of the poem, which accounts for some of the changes. I might take this idea even further in a future edit of the poem.

Thanks again,
Richard

[tectak]

Hello Richard,
 I left this one to mature...it has not BUT I really think you should work on it.The title is too generic and pluralistic..."The" is definitive, "swans" plural, and by indicating a precise location you deny yourself and the reader the luxury of ubiquity. Swans are everywhere, the all look much alike and so "Swans" would do nicely. I do not see a metaphor, extended or otherwise, in this. I hope you did not intend that I should. What I CAN see, is a tail-end attempt to make some conclusion from what is , in fact, a mundane OBSERVED situation. Please understand that there is no negativity in this comment of mine or in the execution of the piece which I ascribe to you...it is simply that to make something out of nothing is quite impossible but to make something better out of a little is poetry. So line by line, assuming the title may change

First Edit:

The Swans in Wentworth Park

One wing bloodied, mangled;This is a statemental opener which is going to become seiously matter-of-fact very quickly. It reads like a police crime scene report. That is not what you are aiming for if I look down to where the arrow ends up. You can avoid the pathology by empathetic response....you are allowed to do that in a poem. What emotion stirred you as you observed the broken wing, the seeping blood, the TRAGEDY, dammit? There is no need for hyperbole. Just some passion transfer. Later you will use the first person; much better I think, to use the character's thoughts earlier. So, your poem, but:

The wing that flew the winds now hangs
in blood and bandage white. Fallen, yet
not understanding, why the mangled sail
no longer culls the air and lifts to sky....blah blah blah.

By empathy you indicate that this IS the character FEELING the plight of the bird, not simply reporting on it.

its exposed bones a different white than the rest.This is a weak line, even observationally, because it tells us nothing that simple deduction would not imply. How is it (the it word. OK here but not in the poem) a different white? Why is "it" a different white" ? Why mention it at all? Do you mean that the exposed bone is a different white from the "rest" of the bones (which you cannot see) or the rest of the bird, which you CAN see? Did the character muse upon the beauty and purity of the white plumage and fall saddened by the the contrast with raw-edged and fractured bone splinters? How did that make the character feel? A frisson of horror, a horipilation of physical empathetic resonse, a sickness-inducing heave ?  Tell us. Please. It is all there...that is why I think you SHOULD work on this one.
The other wing open,
begging the breeze for elevation,Oh boy...a wasted opportunity...you could make hay with this image. A begging wing is one thing (though I'm not sure what) BUT a wing that GESTURES as an indication of how the poor bloody swan FEELS would lead you in to untold poetic pleasures. It, not the WING that begs...it is a sentient, thinking master of flight that is thwarted, denied and dumbfounded by plight. How would you feel if it was you? Would your hand be sad if you dropped a bloody great brick on it? No...but you sure as hell would. Can you detect a veracity vortex downwards? Get back in to the empathetic mode ASAP.
but its feathers are denied
the blue of the sky.Sounds OK but is, in fact, nonsensical in view of foregoing. You are still talking wing not swan.

The indifferent ground
only offers support through happenstance,
while I
can't look away.A completely unnecessary stanza. I cannot but believe that you worked on this strangely composed sentence just to get the posture of the bird to bridge to"stance". Anthropomorphising the ground is a bridge  too far...and worse, you curtailed the thought by denying the character an honorable diversion...wobbly swan, broken wing, ground don't care....yet I cannot divert my eyes. Huh? 

I make eye contact
and I'm compelled to envision its mate,
flying away alone.
Its heartbreak more potent than my own dreams.So this is where we ended up. A lifelong mating bird just gives up, flies off, abandons the partner, callous but heartbroken....oh woe, yes, is ME. In one bound you are free. The extended metaphor made clear.

OK, this is a poem with a GOOD IDEA. You treated it far too forensically and that would lead to fair criticism of a similar nature IF you really meant it to be like this. I do not think that this is the case. You really wanted to feel and pair with the poor sodding bird in a heart-rending way...BUT you were NOT aware of your own purpose until you got near the imminent and unavoidable end....THEN you thought about what you should have been thinking about all along. So good on ya for the concept but for me you really must regroup your thinking, now that you know how it all ended up. Poetically... which is, I hope, what I have been talking about here...you only briefly get emotion in to the piece. The language is way to simplistic for complex considerations. Open it up and give it air...do not be dissuaded by the difficulty of florally attributed language...this is a sad poem. Make it so.
Best,
tectak  


Original:

 The Swans in Wentworth Park

Webbed feet
firmly on the ground.
Feathers denied
the blue of the sky.
One wing open,
begging the breeze for elevation.
The other wing lifeless:
bloodied and mangled.

Its eyes look desperate,
while its mate
flies away,
soaring
higher than a dream.

[The Four-Eyed Cat]

First Edit:

The Swans in Wentworth Park

One wing bloodied, mangled;
its exposed bones a different white than the rest.                     Perhaps swap bones and exposed and move "A different... ...than the rest" a line down
The other wing open,                                                                If you do decide to follow up on that advice, I do advice to switch up different and white, too
begging the breeze for elevation,                                              "Open" in S3 might come across as a little bit ambiguous; is it an open wound? 
but its feathers are denied                                                        
the blue of the sky.

The indifferent ground
only offers support through happenstance,                                The word happenstance feels foreign in this stanza. 
while I                                                                                        How do the final two lines of this stanza contribute to the poem; what is the protagonist 
can't look away.                                                                          looking away from? If this is connected to the 'eye contact', i'd suggest you'd elaborate on this.

I make eye contact                                                                     Who do you make eye-contact with?
and I'm compelled to envision its mate,
flying away alone.
Its heartbreak more potent than my own dreams.

You have a great project lying out here. Compared to the original, the edit is better in both content and writing. I'm curious to see the final result of this work!

Thanks for sharing and best of luck,

Cat

[Todd]

Hi Richard,

A few thoughts on your edit. It seems cleaner than the original. Here a few slight suggestions below:

First Edit:

The Swans in Wentworth Park--Since only one swan is in view and one envisioned perhaps Swan singular instead of Swans.

One wing bloodied, mangled;--I'm not sure you need two modifiers here. I'd be tempted to cut bloodied
its exposed bones a different white than the rest.--This almost allows you to cut mangled as well and blend the lines. I like the diction.
The other wing open,
begging the breeze for elevation,--I like the image and the implied motion of the wing.
but its feathers are denied
the blue of the sky.

The indifferent ground--Possibly invert " the ground indifferent"
only offers support through happenstance,--You could cut only
while I--Just a thought you could pull up can't to end this line
can't look away.

I make eye contact--I'm not sure how valuable this line is. A potential cut.
and I'm compelled to envision its mate,--One other possibility. You could change can't look away to "can't help" then do the strophe break and lead with "but envision its mate,"
flying away alone.
Its heartbreak more potent than my own dreams.--This is a mouthful to end on. Consider either paring it down or possibly reversing the last two lines (and still paring this one down). Ending on flight while denying flight in the beginning does produce a nice symmetry.

I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

[Richard]

Hey Todd,
Thanks for you feedback. I have been working on this one recently, and I have actually changed the ending. However, I really like you suggestion about ending with the image of flight. As well, I appreciate your thoughts on trimming down some of the language.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey Tectak and Cat,
I must apologize to both of you because I completely missed your feedback. Both of you offer some wonderful suggestions and have got me thinking differently about this piece. Tectak, I greatly appreciate the detail you went into, and I value your ideas because they usually make me think outside my comfort zone.

Thanks again,
Richard

---

Hey all,
I've done another edit of this poem. I went in a bit of a different direction, so please let me know if I strayed too far from the original.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

[lyon]

Dying Swan

One wing mangled,

but not as brutal can you use a word here besides brutal? perhaps something which represents more the effect your words had? exposed..
as those words I said when our naked bodies naked turns the line slightly cliche for me, I do not think the image changes or is weakened by removing it
first pressed together and I noticed
you had already closed your eyes. damn! love it!

The other wing open,
begging for elevation,
reminds me of my failed apology.
The word sorry a lost feather
swept away by an autumn wind. hmm.. something about this stanza is not working for me. the last two lines especially. I have already heard your apology so the word "sorry" is superfluous, and the autumn wind can be  a cliche. The imagery of a feather swept away is confusing me here because when I read the next line I imagine the swan who has lost a feather, not necessarily a swan who has lost it's mate (Which i'm not sure but I think is the image you're trying to present?)

I'm then compelled to envision its mate, perhaps increase the poem's tension by using more direct phrasing: "I envision [font=\Times New Roman\, serif]its[/font] mate"
flying away alone.

But I am not that abandoned swan. 


Some thoughts:
Really stunning contrast of images! Love where this is going.
I'm not certain of what the poem is trying to say yet. [font=\Times New Roman\, serif]T[/font]he poem elicits a note of regret, but also perhaps of guilt? The images you're bringing of the swan itself are that it has a mangled wing and it is abandoned, and the title states that it's dying. I'm curious if there is more here besides the physical elements of the swan. What is it's emotional tenor? How does it hold itself? Can you use these images to up the ante on the comparison you're creating.