Beneath a Red Hood (Revision 2.1)

[Lizzie]

Revision 2.1

Hunger is a breathless dance 
of teeth; the smell of bricks, -- I like bricks/stink/it/prick/skip. I'd consider bringing in a modifier (I know, I know) like you had with rusted iron. Rusted was a good word -- if you had just said "iron" I would have gotten very little, but rust has lots of connotations. With the pennies, I was able to get a taste, which is linked to smell. What's something bad that bricks could smell/taste like?
I stink of it.

It's getting tighter and more polished. Good work.

[Todd]

Revision 2.1

Hunger is a breathless dance 
of teeth; the smell of bricks, -- I like bricks/stink/it/prick/skip. I'd consider bringing in a modifier (I know, I know) like you had with rusted iron. Rusted was a good word -- if you had just said "iron" I would have gotten very little, but rust has lots of connotations. With the pennies, I was able to get a taste, which is linked to smell. What's something bad that bricks could smell/taste like?
I stink of it.

It's getting tighter and more polished. Good work.

That makes sense. Smell is vague. Bricks can smell like a musty enclosed space if moisture gets between them. The bricks can smell like failure and cooked flesh if I'm thinking of the source material--not RRH but the other big bad wolf moment. I'll give it some thought. Thank you, Lizzie.

[Todd]

Well, Lizzie, I just spent some time researching the porous nature of bricks--I added a modifier that I think I can live with.

[Lizzie]

I like stale. It has some of the same connotations as rusted, and food goes stale....wasn't LRRH delivering some sort of baked goods to the grandmother? I can't remember, but I approve the choice.

[nibbed]

Hi Todd. Okay, I can't resist critiquing/commenting any longer. Good golly I was completely and absolutely intimidated by this write and felt a chill of thrill with each edit and change. I think it very interesting and am glad you brought back the bricks. It is fitting to this place and the lore of the wolf in children's tales. The format even seemed to accidentally take on the form of shadowiness. The ears bent forward, hefty brow, big lupine paws (made even bigger with the addition of edit acknowledgements). You are seriously a magically gifted poet.



Revision 2.1

Hunger is a breathless dance            not sure how hunger makes teeth dance, but teeth must be mentioned and hunger, so...
of teeth; the stale smell of bricks,      breathless and bricks goes well with this wolfen account
I stink of it.                                       

My ears prick                                   pointy, springing to listen for an advantage
to the sanguine skip, her hum          this is cool poetry talk, beat-like, hip daddy stuff
a mouthful of bees.                          I thought of goldilocks for a split second, stealing some honey from the bears

She dangles sweet cherries              the psyche of the wolf
on the tongue that licks
against this gnarled root.                 twisted origins

Slick droplet,                                   
bag of raw meat, 
not so little girl,

her hair a thorny tangle                 
of waves beneath 
the blood moon.

Who could see
and claim her 
an ingénue?                                  a question left in the air

Liquid desire                                  not an answer, but a distraction
in pale, naked 
light dribbling
down my chin.                           

No longer hooded,
her breath rasping,                      coarse file
a whetstone against                     another file
my sharp angles.                          her voice softens sharpness

Generations will fill 
my stomach—

so big, so big.                               interesting, many direction ending



epic. thanks, Todd.
blessings to you poet
janine

[Todd]

Thank you, Janine. I appreciate the comments.

Lizzie: glad stale worked. Thanks

[QDeathstar]

if you like rusted, rusted bricks seems to work.. as bricks can be stained with rust. I think being stained would work here as well.

[Todd]

Thanks, Q. I'll give it some thought.