In summer,
you hold the sun, whole
rays whir softly
in your arms.
You feel the golden
retriever’s fur grow cold
between your fingers,
see it floating above you
like an ember fading
upward in air.
In autumn,
you strain to remember
the sun in Sunday school.
Beneath the doctrine,
the dogma, and the deity
the world is shaded
an unfamiliar mauve.
A preacher preaches that a dog
can never jump through the hoops of life
and land in heaven.
In Winter,
you hear a white quiet crack
beneath the principle's electric voice.
His words fall like ash
over the assembly;
lecturing on attendance,
absence, and a peer passing
over. A moment of silence.
In spring,
nothing grows back.
Each new leaf only impersonates
last years deadfall.
This star is an imposter.
Original
I
Dogs go to heaven,
the preacher must’ve forgot
when he told you otherwise.
The words burn
a year later
when a boy misses the bus stop
but catches a noose.
Did the clergyman not recognize
the napalm in his breath
when he laid his voice on you—
your own hands can only bring you hell.
The world burns
before it is the world
and after.
II
In summer,
you hold the sun, whole
rays whir softly
In your arms.
You feel the Golden
Retriever’s fur grow cold
between your fingers,
see it floating above you
like an ember fading
Upward in air.
In autumn,
You strain to remember
the sun In Sunday school.
Beneath the doctrine,
the dogma, and the deity
the world is shaded
an unfamiliar mauve.
The preacher preaches that a dog
can never jump through the hoops of life
And land in heaven.
In Winter,
you hear a white quiete crack
beneath the principles electric voice.
His words fall like fat ash
over the assembly;
lecturing on attendance,
absence, and a peer passing
over. A moment of silence.
In spring,
Nothing grew back
Each new leaf impersonating
last years deadfall.
This sun is an imposter.
Dogs go to heaven, the preacher must’ve forgot when he told you otherwise. "otherwise" would mean that the preacher said dogs don´t go to heaven. but having said that he cannot at the same time have forgotten about his opinion.
if you wanted the preacher to say "only man goes to heaven" you need to make it clearer somehow.
The words burn
a year later when a boy misses the bus stop but catches a noose. many ways in which this could be interpreted, but which one you intended is unclear.
Did the clergyman not recognize the napalm in his breath when he laid his voice on you— your own hands can only bring you hell. are you talking about masturbation or something?
The world burns
before it is the world and after. yes, maybe, but i don´t see the point of that statement. also if something burns then it IS as well. maybe just write "the world burns before it lives and after" although i then still don´t see a relevance.
II
Ten thousand years preceding the original poodle clever lines.the original poodle.. but there is no such thing, just as well as there is no original man man steps out of the light and into his head, shutting the blinds.
He didn’t recognize God’s face in the plateau he pummeled into jagged nothin’ calling that carcass, first temple. man killed god? Every moment is a revelation to a mutt eating biscuits. well, i wouldn´t know for sure.
i receive some isolated impressions, but i can´t connect them into something that makes sense as a whole. maybe there is some way you could clarify the poem.
Hey makeshift,
You use some interesting images in your poem. However, I'm not too sure on what your overall message is here. I'll explain more below:
(05-10-2017, 03:40 AM)makeshift Wrote: I
Dogs go to heaven, -Whether intentional or not, this made me think of the movie, "All Dogs Go to Heaven." I would try to reword this line because I don't think that is an allusion you want associated with your poem. the preacher must’ve forgot when he told you otherwise.
The words burn -Why would the preacher claiming that dogs don't go to heaven make words burn? Are you talking about the preacher's words or someone else's? I feel this line needs to be explained more.
a year later when a boy misses the bus stop but catches a noose. -I like this image because it creates an interesting mental picture. However, what does this have to do with the dogs or the preacher?
Did the clergyman not recognize the napalm in his breath -I like this metaphor. I feel like you could write an entire poem expanding this metaphor. when he laid his voice on you— your own hands can only bring you hell. -The meaning of this line is a bit unclear. What does it have to do with the dogs?
The world burns -Is this because the words burned earlier in the poem? I feel like you need to explain this connection more.
before it is the world and after. -This makes the burning sound meaningless. Was this your intention with this line?
II
Ten thousand years preceding the original poodle man steps out of the light and into his head, shutting the blinds. -Is this referring to closing his eyes because the eyes are the windows to the soul?
He didn’t recognize God’s face -Where was he seeing God's face? In heaven? in the plateau he pummeled into jagged nothin’-What is "jagged nothin'"? I feel like this image needs to be explained more. calling that carcass, first temple. Every moment is a revelation to a mutt eating biscuits. -I like this last two lines. I get the impression that you are trying to say something about the communion wafers Christians consume during a church service. However, I have no idea how this relates to the world/words burning or the dogs...
I think you have a nice first draft here. My biggest suggestion would be to ask yourself what message you are to trying to convey in this poem. I had a hard time figuring out your main idea, so you need to expand on some your images to make your overall message clearer.
Dogs go to heaven, the preacher must’ve forgot when he told you otherwise.
The words burn
a year later when a boy misses the bus stop but catches a noose.
Did the clergyman not recognize the napalm in his breath when he laid his voice on you— your own hands can only bring you hell.
The world burns
before it is the world and after.
II
Ten thousand years preceding the original poodle man steps out of the light and into his head, shutting the blinds.
He didn’t recognize God’s face in the plateau he pummeled into jagged nothin’ calling that carcass, first temple. Every moment is a revelation to a mutt eating biscuits.
Hi make,
well, this a car crash and no mistake. If you genuinely intend workshopping this you need to take a long, cold look at the piece and ask yourself one question...could I make it clearer? I am not given to guessing what the hell some esoteric, personal or obtuse poetry is about because it wastes my time in speculation and whatever crit is made on content slides in to subjectivity...so...before spending time on a line by line I will give you time to respond the the two other crits. I do this in the spirit of the forum....my crit right now is that what you have written here requires a Turing test.
Best,
tectak
Hi Makeshift. Welcome here. The title makes little sense to the poem. My interpretations are often very personal and so I see this as being full of emotion and truth. I worry sometimes when really clever writers have double meaning to their verse. At first I backed off afraid to critique, but then reading it again and again I decided I would critique the dark/light side of the poem and not the dark/dark side of the poem, if that makes much sense, only because the dark/light side of the poem is more navigable to my person. I am hopeful there is no hidden or hint of disrespect for I am working to be as respectful as I can in my critique.
I
Dogs go to heaven, ----dogs: a great metaphor for redeemed ones who have rebellious moments the preacher must’ve forgot when he told you otherwise.
The words burn ----why would the words "Dogs go to heaven" burn?
a year later ----a year and ten thousand years to emphasize shorter/longer lengths of time when a boy misses the bus stop ----lost opportunity, maybe but catches a noose. ----if this refers to death it is bad, if it is metaphor, maybe not so bad
Did the clergyman not recognize the napalm in his breath when he laid his voice on you— ----this is rather sad and seems (almost) unforgiving as he is held to a higher standard your own hands can only bring you hell. asking forgiveness often requires admission of / facing guilt
The world burns ----a small world
before it is the world and after.
II ----I like the courage of two part poems
Ten thousand years preceding ----here's that clever use of metaphor the original poodle ----a dear one, innocence questionable man steps out of the light and into his head, shutting the blinds. ----can't hear, perhaps unaware of redemption or outside campaigns only God is omnipresent/omniscient
He didn’t recognize God’s face in the plateau he pummeled remorse into jagged nothin’ calling that carcass, first temple. this is really precious, but carcass seems a bit critical... Every moment is a revelation someone is figuring it out. I think of Romans 8:28 KJV to a mutt eating biscuits. ...just human. ha
This poem can only be rescued if it is reworked
focusing on a general subject, rather than personal. Thank you for allowing me to critique your poem.
I hope you are well and finding peace and happiness.
Dogs go to heaven, the preacher must’ve forgot when he told you otherwise. OK. I see where this is going but have no idea where you start from or how you will progress it. What is this opening conundrum written in reverse boolean logic all about? I could not fail to disagree with it less. Huh?
The words burnWhat words and why and how? I do not ask for myself, you understand...but for others.
a year laterObtuse. A year later than dog's went to heaven....or the preacher went senile....or the words spontaneously combusted. It is a worry.... when a boy misses the bus stop but catches a noose.Enough already. So many questions...how do you miss a bus stop? Is the catching of a noose the ONLY alternative...the "but" implies it is a common event. I forgot to buy the cabbage BUT I did get an electric screwdriver. Nope. This is not getting through my poetic epidermial barrier. Lost on me.
Did the clergyman not recognizeWhat is with this negative option? Did the clergyman RECOGNIZE the napalm in his breath...aw, the hell with it. Way too obscure for a simple crit...who he? What napalm? In or on his breath? Lay a voice??? the napalm in his breath when he laid his voice on you— your own hands can only bring you hell. You cannot increase weight by italics. You can IMPLY that what is IN italics is outside the character cast and so is to be read in a supplementary way. But WHO said it?
The world burnsNo. Cliches never work, especially when they are too late and misplaced. This is a device gone wrong.
before it is the worldUnrelated "it". Find another way... use BETTER words and after.
II
Ten thousand years preceding the original poodle man steps out of the light and into his head, shutting the blinds. You (the character, of course) are now drunk or wrecked and even if I am wrong you have forgotten...if you ever knew...what the poem is about. This stanza needs punctuating to clarity then put back in to the poem which it came from originally.It seems out of place here.
He didn’t recognize God’s faceWho he? You never say. in the plateau he pummeled into jagged nothin’ calling that carcass, first temple.Gobbledygook masquerading as deep thought. Every moment is a revelation to a mutt eating biscuits. If you are REALLY going to workshop this, delete everything but the last two lines. They stand alone and make a cute point as in the kingdom of the blind the one-eyed man...blah...blah...or any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. You are not to be blamed for attempting to get across some salient and/or personally held opinion in your work BUT you do yourself a great disservice by leaving the thing open to the ignorance of crits like me. I just do not have the processes in place to interpret as well as to enjoy this kind of self-indulgence. I genuinely hope that you had great pleasure in writing it but for me, perhaps wrongly, the pleasure in poetry is 90% in the reading and 10% in the writing. Here, I suspect, it is the other way round.
Hi make,
well, this a car crash and no mistake. If you genuinely intend workshopping this you need to take a long, cold look at the piece and ask yourself one question...could I make it clearer? I am not given to guessing what the hell some esoteric, personal or obtuse poetry is about because it wastes my time in speculation and whatever crit is made on content slides in to subjectivity...so...before spending time on a line by line I will give you time to respond the the two other crits. I do this in the spirit of the forum....my crit right now is that what you have written here requires a Turing test.
Best,
tectak
Dogs go to heaven, this was my first thought on reading the title, burtreynolds singing about pizza the preacher must’ve forgot when he told you otherwise.
The words burn
a year later when a boy misses the bus stop but catches a noose. Who catches nooses non-race-related? I picture the guy dragged behind a truck somewhere in Texas, harsh starting about dogs.
Did the clergyman not recognize the napalm in his breath Styrofoam and unstoppable fire when he laid his voice on you— your own hands can only bring you hell. Nice I feel angry
The world burns word and world are so close it's only natural
before it is the world and after. I don't care for these last two, doesn't hit like the rest, too obvious maybe
II
Ten thousand years preceding the original poodle dogs again I work in a dog house and groom poodles fascinating creatures man steps out of the light and into his head, man/his shutting the blinds.
He didn’t recognize God’s face in the plateau he pummeled into jagged nothin’ calling that carcass, first temple.what is a temple but to a 'God' sounds like more recognition that what the poodle has to do with anything, so many better breeds I think to mention Every moment is a revelation to a mutt eating biscuits. I just don't know I'm surrounded by this all the time, and there's a lot of spection in dogs and God's and people between. All dogs are really mutts or brain damaged, I'd like a part III and maybe IV please? Thank you
Thanks for the feedback all, I appreciate it. The edit here is a pretty dramatic rewrite, I don't think a single line made it over, but thats mostly what the criticism called for imo. Got a new title and everything. I can see clearly now how the previous version was obtuse, though I thought it was crystal clear when I posted it lol. I think this new version is more explicit, we'll see. I did abandon some of the content that I wanted to include originally in this poem, its only one section now. I'll defend the original poem in saying I did have a clear intention with it, though the readers obviously weren't convinced > . < I'm still on the fence with a few things here, but I figured i'd let to the community have a go at it. Not sure if i'll include a second section now. I think maybe ill just give this poem a sister that lives in the same world, but again, we'll see. Thnx for your time.
(05-10-2017, 03:40 AM)makeshift Wrote: Hello make,
well done for editing but you ARE in intensive so you should proof read for errors so that others do no have to. You may think that these are small nit...they are....and being small are easy to correct.
In line, then:
All Dogs go to Heaven
In summer,
you hold the sun, whole
rays whir softly
in your arms.
You feel the golden
retriever’s fur grow cold
between your fingers,
see it floating above you
like an ember fading
upward in air. This is "nice" because there is imagery and there is to some degree, passion. It is the passion of belief and I can see what you can see. I do not like the fading ember cliche and I doubt you do, either...but it is not your fault because in spite of the passion you write everything as if it was my fault. You, you, you. Be wary of this person...it can seem preachy.
In autumn,
you strain to remember
the sun In Sunday school.
Beneath the doctrine,
the dogma, and the deity
the world is shaded
an unfamiliar mauve.
A preacher preaches that a dog
can never jump through the hoops of life
And land in heaven. Which preacher? Who he? You do not say. Even "the" preacher would make it seem more definitive. Judge Judy would call this inadmissable hearsay....and so do I. I am struck by the dogma-dog correlation primarily because I cannot correlate the two. What IS this about? Why is ths "And" capitalised? I should explain, the meaning is of minor consequence to me per se, others will have a go at translating, but unless I can make sense of the words I cannot make sense of the poem; if I cannot make sense of the poem I have no way of judging the contents or the construction.
In Winter,
you hear a white quite crackWhat is a "quite crack"?
beneath the principles electric voice.Is it his voice? Then apostrophe, please.
His words fall like ash
over the assembly;Excellent in isolation, I may use it myself ...I am better informed but none the wiser.
lecturing on attendance,
absence, and a peer passingTotally purposeless enjambment. There is a falling (thankfully) tendency to think that if a writer breaks up prose in to ill-defined chunks it wil look more
poetic.
It does not. It looks as though you don't
know what you are
doing.
over. A moment of silence.I mean, really...how much better this would be if the "A moment of silence" had its own line instead of " over. A moment of silence." Just what is the point?
In spring,
nothing grows back.
Each new leaf only impersonates
last years deadfall.It may be a good line but it's just not true...no matter how you cut it. Of more import is the questionable word use. I just cannot get anything out of ...Each new leaf (only) impersonates(?) last year(')s deadfall. Ahem :
deadfall
ˈdɛdfɔːl/ noun North American
noun: deadfall; plural noun: deadfalls
1.
a trap consisting of a heavy weight positioned to fall on an animal.
2.
a tangled mass of fallen trees and brush.
"the brush and deadfall along the river stopped us cold"
This star is an imposter. Wha?....Huh...?...who....?
Original
I
Dogs go to heaven,
the preacher must’ve forgot
when he told you otherwise.
The words burn
a year later
when a boy misses the bus stop
but catches a noose.
Did the clergyman not recognize
the napalm in his breath
when he laid his voice on you—
your own hands can only bring you hell.
The world burns
before it is the world
and after.
II
In summer,
you hold the sun, whole
rays whir softly
In your arms.
You feel the Golden
Retriever’s fur grow cold
between your fingers,
see it floating above you
like an ember fading
Upward in air.
In autumn,
You strain to remember
the sun In Sunday school.
Beneath the doctrine,
the dogma, and the deity
the world is shaded
an unfamiliar mauve.
The preacher preaches that a dog
can never jump through the hoops of life
And land in heaven.
In Winter,
you hear a white quiete crack
beneath the principles electric voice.
His words fall like fat ash
over the assembly;
lecturing on attendance,
absence, and a peer passing
over. A moment of silence.
In spring,
Nothing grew back
Each new leaf impersonating
last years deadfall.
This sun is an imposter.
(05-10-2017, 03:40 AM)makeshift Wrote:
All Dogs go to Heaven
In summer,
you hold the sun, whole what is a whole ray? you can´t divide radiation, you can´t hold it either. but light can be transformed into warmth. rays whir softly
in your arms.
You feel the golden
retriever’s fur grow cold
between your fingers,
see it floating above you I´d write envision or imagine instead of see
like an ember fading
upward in air.
In autumn,
you strain to remember
the sun In Sunday school. suggest to decapitalize “In Sunday..”
Beneath the doctrine,
the dogma, and the deity you could leave "the deity" out cause it implies a choice of gods, which doesn´t fit to dogma and doctrine (and the latter two are redundant).
the world is shaded
an unfamiliar mauve. mauve like priest´s robes? guessing wildly again.
A preacher preaches that a dog
can never jump through the hoops of life somehow
And land in heaven. maybe those last three lines belong at the beginning of the stanza. first the doubts concerning the preacher´s statement, then the strain to remember the sun (if that is a metaphor for faith), then the distance to faith (“world shaded unfamiliar”)
In Winter,
you hear a white quite crack
beneath the principles electric voice. maybe replace “electric” with “burned out” or something to make it go along with ash better His words fall like ash
over the assembly;
lecturing on attendance,
absence, and a peer passing
over. A moment of silence.
In spring,
nothing grows back. if the poem wants to convey the belief that nothing grows back then spring is not the association I´d choose.
Each new leaf only impersonates
last years deadfall. that sentence seems to completely negate life just because it is finite. was that really the intent? biologically new leaves grow out of last years deadfall but that´s a different story.
This star is an imposter. if this star is an impostor then is the subject turning to another one? you can only ever have a belief (or not), but not really proof it right or wrong.
try to make it clearer. does that thought about dogs not entering heaven evoke doubts about the subject´s own resurrection in the subject or does the s. simply feel pity for the dog? or is it something different? is there even really a written dogma/ doctrine that clearly specifies that animals don´t go to heaven? should a believer care what one preacher elaborates?
@tectak No excuses for the typos, i'll ninja edit um out. Im definitely a sucker for enjambment, and rationalize as much of it as I can. Here "peer passing//over. A moment of silence" I was thinking passing grades and thought it'd be shocking to have "over" on the next line. "Over a moment of silence" I thought it had metaphoric potential for something metaphysical, transmigration or something idk. At any rate its probably more stilted then it is poetic. Erthona gave my good advice awhile back, "Enjambment is tricky at best, and should be treated like a loaded gun" I should be more mindful of it. What is a quite crack? lol not sure, quiet***** Each new leaf only impersonates//last years deadfall This was meant as a reaction to the sentiment that everything grows back in spring which is less true then what i've written I think, but maybe i'm being dim to your criticism here. Thnx for the read, i've got a lot to work!
@Vagabond You can't divide radiation, but you also can't hold lightning yet zeus still manages! I want the dog to float between fingers... I'm not sure how to make these moments of magic or metaphor easier to digest, but I do want them to be digestible. As for the last stanza, the idea of using spring to convey the idea of nothing coming back was meant to have power in being subversive. Thanks for the feedback and all. Ill contemplate your questions.
I see you buying a new puppy in the Spring after losing your first dog in the summer. after all the grief you describe.
The puppy is the impostor. But he's a star because, well, he's a puppy; and they are so darn adorable. Perhaps the son is the impostor (the original dog's puppy?).
That's all I can say. I am new. I just like all the imagery and the grief you convey of missing your pup. I have one so I feel it deep.
...I am better informed but none the wiser.